forum Need Help With Anything? (Open)

Started October 21, 2020 by ☁ 𝙲𝚕𝚘𝚞𝚍𝚒

tune

Hey, Atlas, there's a section I wrote that is really long and I feel if probably boring. Can you help me either sum it up or make it more interesting. Here's the section.

In the front of the stage stood my dad. Behind him stood, my mom, Tammi, and Tina. At the back of the room, was a reporter with a camera. No one told me, they intended to film this, but then again it wasn’t my choice to potentially ruin our family’s lives. As we had established, I took my place next to my mom.
Once all the students and teachers arrived, Tammi walked up to the microphone that sat center stage.
“I’m sorry about the interruption, but due to some recent events, we felt as though we had to get this out of the way as soon as possible. Ben, your up,” she said.
As my dad walked up to the microphone, his hands shook. “Hello, for those of you who haven’t met me, my name is Ben Miller. I am twenty-eight years old, and I teach Fairy History here at the Southwater Interspecies Academy. My story is a long and complex one, but I’ll try and sum it up in as short of time as possible. I was born on the last day of what is known to - to my kind as the Destruction.” He paused as a number of presumably fairies gasped.
“When I was born there were only three other fairies left in the Old World; my birth mother, and my adoptive parents. My parents adopted me and left the old world in what they thought was the last ship left. From there we traveled six months before we got trapped for nearly five years in a star system named Salut. It means timeless in the Old Language. When I was five years old, my eyes were opened to the harsh reality of living on a planet and among a people that felt that you didn’t belong. Six months later, I begged my mother to make me human and she did and for twenty-three years the process transformation that usually occurs in fairies passed me by. But I shortly realized that even though I didn’t look like a fairy or have magic, the human kids at my school still saw me as a fairy. One day, when I was thirteen, someone broke into my house. She looked me dead in the eyes and drained the life out of my parents.”
My dad glanced back towards my mom, gulped, and looked right at the camera as he said, “After she was done, she walked up to me and said, ‘Hello, Ben, my name is Alex and I’m your mother.’” There was a collective gasp in the audience.
“I just looked at her, shellshocked and said, ‘You're not my mother, you're the woman who murdered my parents.’ and ran off. Over the next several months, I would learn of the atrocities that Alex had committed, and of her agenda to murder the girl that I loved. It was then that I decided that as long as I shall live, I would never allow Alex Howler to hurt anyone I love ever again. Thank you.”

Alright, before I get into what I'm going to say, I would like to address this sentence: " It means timeless in the Old Language."
So while I read, the story flowed nicely, until I got to this. Instead of feeling like this was part of Ben's speech, it felt like you, the writer, tried to cram information in. Which, hey, I've done that a lot, in hopes of getting everything in, but when you try to put extra information in like this, even if it's a small piece, it throws the reader off.
It's not something we need to know- and if I had never known what the word meant, it wouldn't have changed anything. You could keep it like that if you'd like, it's not that big of a deal, but I feel like if you wanted to incorporate this small piece in, there are cleverer ways of doing so. Again, not a big deal, but I thought I'd point it out.

Now for the rest of the writing. Yes, you're right in the fact that it's a little "boring", but when one of your characters is talking about their past in efforts to change the perspective of others, it's going to be a little boring, it's an informative piece and necessary, so not everything you write is going to be engaging enough as say a fighting scene.
When I read this, I felt as if though this was something that needed more build-up. This is a big moment for Ben to come out and talk about something like this when he knows that this is a potentially dangerous subject. He risks putting everyone he loves in danger because of the stigma that a certain species are dangerous, people might want him or his family dead to eliminate the threat.

For a second I'm going to step away from criticism and give you my opinion on the matter. You can take this with a grain of salt if you like.
Personally, if Ben was my character I would like to see him at his limit. Have him give this speech when he's come close to losing his daughter, his wife. Maybe someone died because they thought Ben and the people he associated with were these horrible people that weren't in actuality. Maybe after this has happened, he beats himself up for it and wishes he would have said something sooner to give his perspective, so that they would have known that he wasn't like his mother.
I think it would make for an emotional scene and give just a little more meaning to his speech. I feel like it's too soon for Ben to start talking about his past, it's something that should unfold through the story- but then again, this is just my opinion. If you have a reason for having Ben do his backstory so early in the book, then that's definitely okay! As long as you structure everything nicely, then there are no problems.

Thanks! The plan was that after this scene, the council (fairy government) orders a trial for him on suspicion of treason. They only come to the assumption because his mother is murdering psychotic and wants the Queen dead. Also, later I was going to have it that Amelia has trouble in her new classes, so, Ben feels guilty. He thinks it's his fault because he left Amelia and her mom when she was two and so he never prepared her for the possibility of this now being her life. Also, at one point Alex ends up killing Tina and they all carry a certain amount of responsibility for her death.

What do you think?

yeah! that could definitely work! That would make perfect sense on why you chose to do it that way, it would move the story along nicely. Well done fam :D

Well, here's the thing, you don't want her to make too many references at once, you're going to have to judge on how often is too soon for her to make another joke. And also with jokes, sometimes they don't land so if you want her to seem more realistic then have her awkwardly laugh it off when no one reacts, maybe she mutters to herself to brush off the failed attempt, like a way of coping.
I think that this goes in hand with how well do you know your characters? If Alyx makes a reference and typically a certain character doesn't react to her because that's his personality, then that's fine but if a character that typically responds to Alyx doesn't when she does her thing, then you might be overdoing it.
It also comes down to does it feel natural? If you're writing and you suddenly have this realization of "oh! This thing could fit here!" and you feel happy with it then you've got it, but if you start trying to fit references everywhere in hopes to make her funnier, it might not be as good.
My advice would be, if it feels too squished in together with the rest of your writing, take it out. Sometimes less is more.

I see. Thx, real grateful for the advice :)

yeah! that could definitely work! That would make perfect sense on why you chose to do it that way, it would move the story along nicely. Well done fam :D

Thank!
So, I wrote another scene. Well, actually… I finished the scene that I quoted earlier first, then I wrote this scene.

Two hours later, I was in one of my new classes: Fairy History, when there was a knock on the door.
“It’s Councilwoman Riley.” The boy next to me said.
“Go ahead, Mafew, open the door,” my dad told him. Mafew got up and opened the door.
“What is the meaning of this interruption?” my dad asked her once she entered the room. What interruption? He hadn’t even started teaching anything.
“The Queen asked me to deliver you a message. She says that she has received numerous grievances against you. It seems as if you could be fired,” The Councilwoman said, a faint smile played on her lips.
As she turned around, my dad beamed and said, “Give her a message, why won’t you? Tell her to tell her people that their grievances aren’t with me; they’re with the woman that calls herself my mother.”
After the woman left, my dad said, “In light of recent revelations, I have decided to sort of start over, despite being a month into the semester.” He drew a line on the board behind him. “This is all of recorded history.” He drew a line through the left end, underneath, he wrote: The beginning of the Dark Age: 1,000 years ago. Beneath that he wrote something in a language I didn’t know. I assumed it was the Old Language. So, my dad was fluent in the Old Language. “The Dark Age lasted two hundred years and was before the time of magic, or so we’ve been told.” He made a line similar to the first a few inches toward the right and wrote in both languages: The End of the Dark Age: 800 years ago. He continued the cycle for the next twenty minutes, identifying important periods throughout their history. As he talked, I noticed others taking note of his lecture, so I did the same. When he reached the end of the line he said, “We are now in what people refer to as the New Age.” He made a mark at the end of the line and wrote: The New Age: 30 years ago - present.
“It seems as though our time is running short. For homework, please fill out this page to inform me of your prior knowledge. It would mean a great deal to me if I could understand what you know.” he said, motioning to a stack of papers on his desk. As if on cue, the bell rang. Students came flooding to the front of the room grabbing a page on their way out. I sat in my seat until my dad and I were the only ones left.
“Don’t you have somewhere you have to be?” he asked.
“Ya, I’ll get going. Oh, and for the record, I think you just opened yourself up to a barrage of criticism with that one.” I responded, motioning to the papers.

What do you think? I'm planning to do one of three things after this. Either: a) I write a couple more scenes indicating what her experience is in her other class/with others, b) skip to the afternoon, where they find out about the trial & do the trial or c) something in between. Any other suggestions?

I think writing about her experiences in her new classes would be a good start. Then again you could do something in the middle, just don’t jump into it too quickly, give us room to rest from recent events. Having her interact with other classmates would gives a good idea of what her personality is and how well she gets along with others, if she does at all. Other than that, I don’t have any other suggestions. :)

I think writing about her experiences in her new classes would be a good start. Then again you could do something in the middle, just don’t jump into it too quickly, give us room to rest from recent events. Having her interact with other classmates would gives a good idea of what her personality is and how well she gets along with others, if she does at all. Other than that, I don’t have any other suggestions. :)

Thank! Plus, I'm still trying to figure out what her personality is and how she interacts with people. It's a bit difficult because the rest of her family all have backstories all ready and she doesn't. I'll try to figure it out.

I think writing about her experiences in her new classes would be a good start. Then again you could do something in the middle, just don’t jump into it too quickly, give us room to rest from recent events. Having her interact with other classmates would gives a good idea of what her personality is and how well she gets along with others, if she does at all. Other than that, I don’t have any other suggestions. :)

Thank! Plus, I'm still trying to figure out what her personality is and how she interacts with people. It's a bit difficult because the rest of her family all have backstories all ready and she doesn't. I'll try to figure it out.

No problemo! This would definitely be a good way for you to see what her personality is like, good luck !

Update. So, firstly I came up with a better name for the Old Language. Secondly, I finished that paragraph and I wrote almost two whole other scenes. What do you think? Any suggestions? Any more/less detail? Also, tomorrow, I probably won't be able to respond until at least 11 o'clock CDT (central daylight time)

I walked down the Fairy Studies Wing and into my next class: Intro to Nēmari. The room had three rows of seven desks and when I entered, I walked straight to the back row and picked an unoccupied seat. Tina stood at the front of the room, patiently waiting for the seats to fill. As people shifted into the room, I realized that I may have made a mistake to sit so far back. There was a good mix of fairies and humans in the class, but much to my dismay a human boy, of about five foot three, came to sit right in front of me, obscuring my view of the front of the room.
Once, everyone sat down, Tina said, “Lehe’o, everyone! How was your weekend? Good, I hope.” There was murmured agreement. “This week, we will be focusing on family units and their related terminology. For those of you who grew up in a fairy household, you may be familiar with these terms.” She wrote a word on the board. I leaned to the left, to attempt to get a glimpse at the board, but with little luck.
After she wrote the word on the board, she said, “Fa’ter, meaning Father.” Everyone in the class repeated the word, some succeeded more than others. She then wrote a sentence on the board with that word and repeated it aloud. The class repeated it, and some wrote both down. The class repeated the sequence with two other words. After that, she passed out a worksheet.
The page had seven sentences on it; three in the Nēmari and four in the Human dialect. The task was to translate them into the other language. The class worked on this independently for the next ten minutes, during which, I mostly just stared at the page blankly, unsure where to start. Finally, when five minutes remained, I put my name on the top of the page. When the bell finally rang, I quickly gathered my things and dashed to the door.
“Amelia! Wait!” Tina shouted. My blood ran cold. I stood there, a few feet from the door, letting everyone pass by me. What could Tina want? Did I do anything wrong? Slowly I turned to face Tina, paralyzed by the thought of being singled out.
“I just wanted to give you this,” Tina said, picking up a thick book off her desk. She handed it to me. It was heavy with thick gold lettering on it saying: Intro to Nēmari; the language of the Fairies. I held it carefully with both hands and placed the worksheet inside the front cover and walked out into the hall.
When I arrived in the lunch hall, I sat down in my usual spot; alone, in the far corner, away from any of the onslaught of ill-conceived questions and opinions. I had just sat down when a boy came to sit next to me.
“Hi, is this seat taken?” he asked, quietly, as though it were a closely regarded secret. I shook my head and the boy sat down.
“Your Amelia, right? Mr. Miller’s daughter?” he asked. I froze at the mention of my father.
“Why? Who's asking?” I asked him wearily. I turned to face him. It was the auburn-haired boy from earlier - Mafew.
“I don’t know if you remember me, but my name’s Mafew. I sat next to you in Nēmari History,” he said.
“How’d you know who my dad is?” I asked him, even though the answer was practically obvious.
“You were on the stage with your mom earlier, and your parents’ relationship status has spread like wildfire since you moved back here. I guess apart from your parents, you have the most infamous parents on any planet.” he explained
“Great! Now it’s common knowledge that both my parents’ mothers are criminals!” I said, sarcastically.
“Did you know about Alex? Before today, I mean,” he asked, calmly, as if he were afraid the question would set me off.
“I didn’t even know he was born a fairy until two months ago. I think he waited to tell me, and the world for that matter, because according to him, fairies are a traditionally legacy-bent people, and he was afraid of what the world would think of us if they knew,” I explained.
“Do you want my view? I understand that Alex committed treason, it’s about the first piece of history people learn nowadays. But, your dad had nothing to do with her decisions.” he said. “Plus, you’re family has been misunderstood for the past twenty years, this news won’t change that.”
“You sound like my mom. Are you taking her intro to the PPA training class?” I asked.
“No, I just watched the playback of Samantha’s trial from ten years ago.” he said. When he finished talking, his teal blue watch started to vibrate. He tapped the center of it and a small hologram of a woman popped up.
“Mumum'mu'tēk!” he greeted. “Why are you calling at this hour, I’m at S.I.A?” he asked the woman.
“Oh, you’re at school, are you? Eating some kahole, I hope?” she asked. As if on cue, he grabbed the sandwich off his lunch tray and gestured it towards her. “Okay, okay, I’ll let you eat,” she said, closing the call.
“Who was that?” I asked, hoping my ignorance didn’t show on my face.
Mafew laughed, “My mother’s sister, Humans would call her my aunt, but she’s also my guardian. Much like your father’s adoptive parents, mine died when I was five. You see, they were older, in their 50s, and ever since they fled Nēmar, my parents had trouble breathing here. They were nearly constantly ill, so when they died my aunt adopted me.”

@ApatheticLoser. Hey, I think I finish the chapter. What do you think? Also, what do you think I should name the chapter? I'm thinking of naming the next one: The Trial.

We spent the rest of the lunch period discussing our different life experiences. I told him about my lonely life living with my mother and brother, while he told me of his family. His family was one of the few who managed to stay intact through the Destruction. His parents were Noblemen back on Nēmar, and it was rumored that his grandparents were on the original council, but he told me that when he asked his aunt about this, she neither confirmed nor denied it.
The rest of the school day went as smoothly as I could have hoped for; apart from a couple of sideways glances from other students, no one paid me much attention.
At the end of the day, I met up with my dad as per usual, and when we were about to leave, we heard a shout from behind us.
“Ben! Wait!” It was Tina. She was running across the hall towards us.
“We have a problem,” she said.
“What?” my dad frowned.
“I just got a notice from the council. It says that they’ve scheduled a private hearing without my consent that’s scheduled to take place in one hour. They’ve ordered a trial against you on suspicion of treason.” she said.
“They can’t do that!” my dad yelled. Then quieter, “Can they?”
“If you mean: without my consent, then yes, they can, because in their eyes, you’ve already confest to consorting with a traitor.” she explained. My dad swore under his breath.
“Fine. We have to go. Come on, Amelia.” he said.
I froze, “Wait. You want me to come with you?”
“Well, you sure as Hell aren’t going home alone.”

For the first one, i think everything is okay, nothing i would change or add, you're good on that, but when I read the last bit I couldn't help but think that if i were in Amelia's place, I would of just cut Mafew off because like no, no, i don't want your view, you don't even know me, but that's just me lmfao i found that bit very intimate, like he was trying to get personal, like slow your roll dude we just met
anyways, that wasn't criticism, i just thought i'd comment on it

As for the second paragraph if that's the end of the chapter then i suggest you name it something else because the trial didn't happen in that chapter and it would seem a little odd if you named it the trial when the actual trial is happening in the next one. You could name it something like "The calm before the storm" or something- that was just an example, maybe use something less cliche than that y'know?
But as far as the paragraph goes, it's very good as well, everything fits nicely.

Hi, I’ve written a prologue to give background to a lot of mentioned things in chapter one of my novel. So far, a lot of key points are the attack of the Hellhound, her journal, and to explain how she woke up in our primary setting in chapter one. If anyone would be willing to review it, I’d appreciate it. https://www.notebook.ai/documents/128182

For the first one, i think everything is okay, nothing i would change or add, you're good on that, but when I read the last bit I couldn't help but think that if i were in Amelia's place, I would of just cut Mafew off because like no, no, i don't want your view, you don't even know me, but that's just me lmfao i found that bit very intimate, like he was trying to get personal, like slow your roll dude we just met
anyways, that wasn't criticism, i just thought i'd comment on it

As for the second paragraph if that's the end of the chapter then i suggest you name it something else because the trial didn't happen in that chapter and it would seem a little odd if you named it the trial when the actual trial is happening in the next one. You could name it something like "The calm before the storm" or something- that was just an example, maybe use something less cliche than that y'know?
But as far as the paragraph goes, it's very good as well, everything fits nicely.

Thanks! I was going to name the next chapter (4) the trials. Also, I'm an introvert with like one friend, so I'm unsure as to how to do it in the story.

@Anxietyfilledcinnamonroll , I haven't read the chapter this is supposed to be a prologue to, but I would say: Generally good prologue, interesting, eventful, and well-paced.

Something about the sentence structure comes off to me as stilted, but style is very subjective so that is not a technical error (even if it were, I can name at least two published authors whose stories I still like very much, even though I would also describe their style as stilted.)

Thanks! I was going to name the next chapter (4) the trials. Also, I'm an introvert with like one friend, so I'm unsure as to how to do it in the story.

That’s okay! I think for you to get the interactions down, you need to know what her personality is. What things would she be most likely to do and what things would be out of character for her?
Same goes with Mafew, to know how they would react to each other you would have to have a really good understanding of their characters.
You could write these things down if you haven’t already, just so you can see where everyone stands. I use notebook’s character pages for this a lot because I easily forget things. But! That is but a suggestion. You don’t have to do this, in fact, what you have now is completely fine- it’s just in case you were having trouble with this.
Oh and one more thing that I think could possibly help- take a look at your relationship with your friend. How do you guys talk to each other? Do you mess around? How was it the first time you guys met each other? Sometimes when I don’t know how my characters would talk to each other, I model them off my real life relationships, it tends to help me a lot.
And no problemo, you’re doing a good job so far!

Thanks. @ApatheticLoser. I wrote almost two pages. What do you think? Any suggestions?

We arrived at the Meeting Chambers of the Council forty minutes later. The ride was long, and much of it was held in silence. Tina drove for my father was much too involved in his anxiety to do so himself. I could see in his every move that he was worried about the outcome of this trial, and neither Tina nor I bothered him on the subject.
The building was tall and ornamental; its outer walls were made of some kind of stone. In front of the building, on either side of the entrance, laid two statues made of stone and were twenty feet tall. On the left was a statue of a woman with long hair braided to the side that wore some form of traditional dress that I’d never seen before. On the right was a statue of a man wearing similar traditional clothing.
When we finally departed from the car, I looked first at the statues and then at Tina and asked, “Were those your parents?”
“Yes, they stand as a symbol for the peace that has been relatively sustained since their passing,” Tina said, with a mixture of sadness and pride.
The entrance room came in stark contrast with the building’s exterior. It was like walking into a lavish hotel. There was a reception and a hallway on either side. There was a familiar figure leaning on the reception desk.
“Alya? What are you doing here?” my dad asked.
Alya just smirked, “Good to see you too, brother.” My dad tensed. It seemed to me, as though my father did not like to be reminded that they shared a mother.
My dad looked at Tina, “Do you know why she’s here?”
“She’s here for the same reason you are, Ben.”
“You told the Council about her, didn’t you?” He scowled. “When?”
“After your speech this morning, the council required me to suspend my first two classes. They wanted to know what I knew. I promised you that I’d keep your secrets until you decided otherwise. You told the public who you are; I didn’t have much of a choice.”
“I hope for all our sakes that our trusting each other all these years will not be the thing that puts me in jail. Because you know well enough that my freedom is one of the very few things keeping you alive.” My dad snarled. The four of us walked down the hall to the left and sat down on a set of benches lining the thin hallway.
Fifteen minutes later, a woman came from the room which I presumed was the room where the trial was to be held. She looked at us, and said, “the Council will see you now.” We got up and preceded into the chamber.
The room was cold in contrast to the entrance. It has made entirely of dark concrete. Even the semicircle table, where the eight councilmembers sat, was mad of stone. There were no seats for viewers, not any for the defendant, so I moved to a side allowing my dad and Alya to walk in from of me and face the council. Once Tina took her seat at the center seat of the table.
“As per tradition, I am to ask each of you for your full names and ages as it pertains to the case.” an older fairy to the right of Tina explained. Then, pointing to my dad she asked, “Would you please.”
“Oh, the irony. But alas if I must. My name according to the Human laws of this world is: Benjamin Morgan Miller and I am twenty-eight years old.” my dad said. And then smirking, he added, “However, if you were to ask the dead, my name is, “Bee’nan Morgan Mee’lar and am in fact, by birth, thirty-three years of age.” That addition earned him a warning look from Tina and a smirk from Alya. The same fairy waved towards Alya, motioning her to follow suit.
“My name’s Alya. I am thirteen years old and I have no last name, legal or otherwise.” Alya said.
“All right then, let’s move forward then, shall we?” Councilwoman Riley said. She tapped on a tablet that laid in from of her and a hologram popped up in the middle of the table. It was an image of what appeared to be my dad as a teenager running out of a house.
“This image was taken by a security camera on the afternoon of July, 15th fifteen years ago. Witnesses I.D.ed that this was your home until that night, in which you never returned. Can you explain why you ran, and what happened between then and September 2nd of that year so that your evasion of the public authorities my be explained?” A councilman asked him.
“I don’t see how this has anything to do with the charges brought before me, but alas, I will answer it anyway. That was the day, Alex murdered my parents. I ran because I was afraid of being thrust into the foster system. I knew that I would be stuck there until I was eighteen years old if someone were to discover where I was from. As for my virtual disappearance, that could be explained much simpler, I was on the run from the authorities because of the reasons I just stated, and I didn’t want to be caught. At the end of August, I met Samantha Cowiak and Tammi Denuna who arranged for me to attend the Southwater Interspecies Academy.” My dad said as if it was a memorized truth that he knew he had to share.

New account, don't freak out.

"Tina drove for my father was much too involved in his anxiety to do so himself." It should be, "Tina drove for my father, who was much too involved in his anxiety to do so himself."

"Even the semicircle table, where the eight councilmembers sat, was mad of stone." The word mad should be made. Just a simple spelling mistake. Make sure to double-check your writing for mistakes like these.

"There were no seats for viewers, not any for the defendant, so I moved to a side allowing my dad and Alya to walk in from of me and face the council. Once Tina took her seat at the center seat of the table." This one should be a whole sentence. "There were no seats for viewers, not any for the defendant, so I moved to a side allowing my dad and Alya to walk in front of me and face the council once Tina took her seat at the center seat of the table."

Same with this one "my dad said. And then smirking, he added", it should be "my dad said and then smirking, added"

This one doesn't need the comma. "That was the day, Alex murdered my parents."

Other than the things that I have stated, you're good to go! I have no suggestions because you executed the whole thing perfectly.

I written a bit of my book but I'm worried if the wording is stale and clonky

"Close your eyes, You'll be there soon"

I slumped over the seat as my eyes flicker in and out of sleep. Beams of light peeked through the window as the sky shifted from purple to a mix of pink and orange. I peeked through my shuttering eyelids at the blaring orange lights of a tunnel as I rocked back and forth in my seat. The tires rev on the road

Everything came out in a mosaic filter, My skin has practically tightened up around me

We couldn't be going that fast… It felt more like we were slowing down before speeding up. Soon, the tunnel was absorbed out by glaring sunlight before I drift back into sleep.

"We're here!"

The car slowed once again, but the rest of the ride was silent. Our old house popped up in the view. This place is the same as we left it eight years ago, The only difference was the blanket of snow tucking the sleek onyx black roof under its cover's as neatly as a layer of skin, there wasn't a crack or fade on the house, It was as if someone cleaning it up when we were gone.

Home. I never thought I'd ever see this place again.
The engine turned off, and I heard the bag being dragged over the concrete. I slowly scooped myself up as I opened the door.
I perked up on the heel of my boots as before shoving my hands in my armpits, My breath came out in small clouds, as I marched over to the porch

I know I'm partial, but my favorite lines are when Ben's being a smartass. Because he knows that the world of fairies doesn't account for a situation like his. I just was beaming reading the line about his name because it sums that up perfectly.
Also, thank you for the grammar/spelling check. I type fast and one-handed, I tend to miss things like the mad mistake especially when the google checker doesn't pick it up.

Definitely. I also enjoy reading his snarky remarks, it gives your writing and characters a little more life to them. Your writing is very easy on the eyes and it has a playful tone to it, it’s one of my favorite combinations because I don’t feel like I need to keep up and concentrate, it’s something I can pick up and relax to.

And that’s completely understandable my dude! I use grammarly to help with my writing because i make the same mistakes, it’s one of the few writing tools that actually help me, I would recommend it.

@NotSoBeautifulDiseaster

Hmmm yeah, it feels a little stiff, but you’ve got the right mentality!
You’re describing the scene more then what she’s doing, you need to add in how she feels, make her show a little bit of emotion, put her thoughts in. Right now it feels like she’s just existing, waiting to get to her house, but if you add in mannerisms like

“She hugged herself as the car rumbled on the road, eyes both soft and distant. Thoughts came in and out of her mind as she stared at her reflection on the window. She let them roam free, her mind escaping to a dreamland, somewhere that wasn’t here in the icy weather.
The cold slowed her down, made it hard to breathe. Moving when she was already so warm in her current position would be foolish and yet the movement of the car gave her no room for comfort.”

Try to focus your attention more on your character as you do with what’s around her. Maybe she’s shivering because she didn’t wear a jacket or warm clothing so she’s shifting a lot in attempts to keep warm.

Definitely. I also enjoy reading his snarky remarks, it gives your writing and characters a little more life to them. Your writing is very easy on the eyes and it has a playful tone to it, it’s one of my favorite combinations because I don’t feel like I need to keep up and concentrate, it’s something I can pick up and relax to.

And that’s completely understandable my dude! I use grammarly to help with my writing because i make the same mistakes, it’s one of the few writing tools that actually help me, I would recommend it.

Ya. I do use Grammarly also. Ya know I think that my style comes from the fact that I mostly only listen to books and so, I think that over the four years that I've been listening to books, I notice certain things and they just stuck to my writing subconsciously, just a thought.
Also, I wrote some more yesterday, but I might just flat out rewrite some of it, cause I'm unsure if it's the right way to phrase/present it, but hell, I don't know. Wish me luck.

Absolutely, good luck. Write until you feel it makes sense. Sometimes you just need to scrape it all and start over.
If you feel unsure even after the revisions you can send it over and I’ll take a look at it if you want.

@NotSoBeautifulDiseaster

Hmmm yeah, it feels a little stiff, but you’ve got the right mentality!
You’re describing the scene more then what she’s doing, you need to add in how she feels, make her show a little bit of emotion, put her thoughts in. Right now it feels like she’s just existing, waiting to get to her house, but if you add in mannerisms like

“She hugged herself as the car rumbled on the road, eyes both soft and distant. Thoughts came in and out of her mind as she stared at her reflection on the window. She let them roam free, her mind escaping to a dreamland, somewhere that wasn’t here in the icy weather.
The cold slowed her down, made it hard to breathe. Moving when she was already so warm in her current position would be foolish and yet the movement of the car gave her no room for comfort.”

Try to focus your attention more on your character as you do with what’s around her. Maybe she’s shivering because she didn’t wear a jacket or warm clothing so she’s shifting a lot in attempts to keep warm.

Thank you, I'll take this in consideration :-)

No problem! I hope it helped if even a little.

Update. @Adaras. I think I fixed the part I didn't like. Here's what I wrote. I had to fix some of the wording in the third to last paragraph. What do you think? All good?

“During the year that Alex Howler was in Southwater, fifteen years ago, how many times did you see her?” Councilwoman Riley asked him. There was a pause as my dad considered his response.
“Forty times, not including the time she murdered my parents.” he said decisively.
“During those instances, what did she want from you?”
“It varied. The first few times, nothing. But after I met Ally, that changed. For eight months she insisted that I betray Ally, that I would help her in her pursuit to murder two, no three innocent people. She, like many fairies of her age, believes that blood equals loyalty. For eight months, I fought to preserve the lives of not only three innocent people, but the safety of many others. During those weeks, I submitted to torture at Alex’s hand, because I would not see nor aid another genocide.” As he spoke, his voice trembled with the agony of remembering that time. As I sat watching, I wondered how many other secrets was he keeping. The room stood in silence for a moment.
“Alya, is it true that you hail from the lost clan?” A councilwoman asked.
But before she got to answer, Tina stood and said, “Objection! This topic, whether it be true, has little to do with the accusations! Also, where did you get that information from, anyways?”
The Councilwoman looked at Tina and said calmly, “You said, she possessed the powers that apart from a couple of humans has never been possessed of someone outside the lost fifth clan.” she looked at Alya, “Do you know whether or not it is true?”
“From what my mother told me, only recently, it is true. However, I have never met my father, and I never will, for he is dead. According to my mother, when they landed here, dozens of PPA agents met them, and my father jumped in front of her, protecting us. They shot him. I prosume that mother telaported out of there, and that the PPA is in possession of his body. But alas, you won’t believe the words of a traitor, and frankly, I don’t blame you.”
“Has your mother told you of any of her plans?”
“Apart from her long-running desire to murder Tina, no. However, I believe that she has only held off this long because she knows that Ben’s not the only person who will fight to ensure she never becomes Queen.”