forum Need Help With Anything? (Open)

Started October 21, 2020 by ☁ 𝙲𝚕𝚘𝚞𝚍𝚒

tune

Everything looks good!

@Adaras Hey, I've written about another page. Looks good? The first 3 paragraphs end the trial part. I might rewrite the last paragraph. I was going to make it a scene with Samantha where they train. Any suggestions?

“It seems to me, that neither of you has aided Alex, nor committed any inherently traitorous activities. However, due to your inherent connection with Alex, I vote that the Council keep the investigation open. All in favor?” A Councilwoman said. Five members of the Council raised their hands in agreement, Tina, thankfully, was not among them. “The investigation will remain open. You are dismissed.” The Councilwoman said.
Alya, my dad, and I left the room as quickly as we could.
Once we were outside, Alya said, “Well that went well.”
“Are you kidding me? They’re keeping the investigation open! If Alex so much as speaks to us, the Council could order another trial. This isn’t about guilt for them, it’s about knowing what Alex does. That wasn’t a trial, it was an interrogation, and could have been a lot worse.” My dad said.
We arrived home half an hour later. My mom was pacing back and forth and when we walked in she shouted, “Where have you been?!”
“A trial.” my dad said.
“A What?!” my mom asked. Her eyes looked like they were going to pop out of her head.
“The Council wanted to know if Alya and I were traitors, because of course they did,” my dad replied airily. And that’s when my mom’s gaze shifted to Alya, who was standing next to me.
“Don’t take this the wrong way, but what are you doing here?” my mom asked Alya. Alya wasn’t the one who answered, however.
“She's going to stay with us for a while if that’s ok. The Council voted to keep the investigation open, and I believe that Alya and I need to stay away from Alex or the Council will never drop the investigation.”
“You may be in all technicalities, her brother, Ben. But I’m pretty sure that this is as good as kidnapping. I’m not helping you get into trouble with Southwater authorities, when the Council of the Fairies already has a case on you,” my mom barked.
“We’ll do it the legal way then. I’ll do what Elena did with you.” my dad said decisively.
“You can’t file for guardianship, Ben.”
“Why not? Alex is a criminal, a traitor, an outlaw, a fugitive among other things. Alex has no legal way of fighting it.” he argued.
“That’s the problem, Ben. If you do this, it will once again put a target on my back.”
“What do you want me to do Ally?” he demanded.
“Ben, I’m not worth it. The Council won’t know I’m with Mother if I stay away. You deserve to keep as much peace as you can.” Alya said softly. Before anyone had a chance to respond, Alya turned away and ran out the door.
“No! Alya, wait!” my dad shouted. He turned around but she was gone. “See what you’ve done! She’s an innocent thirteen-year-old girl! As long as she stays with Alex, no one will see her as such!” he shouted. At that moment, it seemed as though all the fire was extinguished from his eyes. He looked down and added disheartened, “We know that better than anyone. I just wish I could stop this. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
Quietly, I walked to my room, as I attempted to push the conversation out of my mind. I placed the textbook I had received from Tina on my desk and when I opened it, I found a thick packet of worksheets and on the front page were the words: Everything you missed; in Tina’s thick, elegant writing. They were all essentially variations of the one we did in class.
The rest of the week went relatively smoothly. The investigation on my dad hadn’t progressed and we hadn’t seen either, Alex nor Alya all week. When Saturday arrived, I thought it was finally my chance to relax. But, boy was I wrong.
Every Saturday since we moved to Southwater I had training with Samantha. Samantha Cowiak isn’t your run-of-the-mill grandmother. Well, for one thing, she was in prison for the first five years of my life, and you could almost see her painful past in her observant forest green eyes that much of my maternal family shared, myself included. She had short, greying black hair, and one of the most mischievous smiles I had ever seen.

I think that there should be a little more dialogue in the last paragraph following this one: "We arrived home half an hour later. My mom was pacing back and forth and when we walked in she shouted, “Where have you been?!”
I feel like it was cut short and just jumping straight into another scene feels off.

Other than that, I think the rest is okay. Some parts where you transition from scene to scene should have a small space between them so we can distinguish that we are no longer reading for the last paragraph.
For me personally, I feel like the pacing is going too fast- maybe if you slow it down a little, it would read better, but if fast pacing is what you're going for then I understand. So far what you have, I'm happy with, but if you chose to change anything or rewrite anything, then go for it! Whatever works best for you
Training could be useful if you plan to write it. You can talk about what powers they have, or if you aren't ready for that yet, you can allude to some aspects of it. Maybe some discoveries are made- it can be whatever you want it to be

Heyy everyone~ Sophia here
Yes, yes I'm aware it has been months since I've even logged on- If you're asking why, I go to a magnet school- it's harder there and we have a lot more pressure upon our shoulders than regular schools- I hope everyone I hadn't be able to get back to understands, and I apologize for that.
If you feel I've overlooked your request (back when I was active), that is mostly because I hadn't been able to get to that, and when I leave something for a few days I let it go as it's too awkward for me, but I've been working on that (that, as in my social skills). And my dm's are always open, so if you haven't sent anything through there don't complain, compadre ;)

I can say for certain that my writing skills have improved, so that'll be ~a benefit~ (along with what was mentioned above 😩)

I will be a bit more active at least 2 times a week. As of now, if you guys know what you're doing, you're free lend help to anyone that needs it, too :)

Sophia, you can take a look at what I've been writing whilst you've been away if you want. No pressure. I've linked both stories on page 4 of this forum a few comments after your last, by the way.

Sophia, you can take a look at what I've been writing whilst you've been away if you want. No pressure. I've linked both stories on page 4 of this forum a few comments after your last, by the way.

Hii~ Sure, I'll try to do them by today uwu

@Adaras. I added like two pages. Can you take a look at chapter four because I also added a couple of new things here and there? Also, the highlighted portion of page 20 is very work in progress/old/outdated and I might delete it by the way. Any suggestions apart from anything you've already said?

Here's the link if you still need it:

Sophia, I was just wondering if you were still interested in reading my story. It's posted above if you do.

Hey, would anyone be up for rating my writing on the history of the MDU? I’m not exactly happy with how it’s turned out and I know it can be better, but I’m not sure what I need to change. I’m also looking to put in some worldbuilding tidbits, but I’d like some feedback on what’s interesting and not interesting and what you guys want more information on. Keep in mind that this is for a Pokémon Mystery Dungeon fanfiction of mine and also for PMD roleplays.
EDIT: And also, how would you suggest incorporating all of this history into my characters’ lives? And also the canon characters. In what ways do you think this would shape them? What character traits would you expect to see in a world like this? I also forgot to mention, I’m looking for better names for ‘genesicada’ — originally they were the psycadas, but that’s a little rude towards the Psychic types of the PokéEarth, wouldn’t you say? Genesicada was a quick replacement for the name, but I don’t quite like it. I’d love any suggestions from you all!

Tati, I’d love to read through yours, but unfortunately I don’t feel comfortable looking at Google Documents since they can track who’s looked at them — my Google account’s got my name on it, and by going onto documents with that account that information could go into anyone’s hands. I’m sure the writing’s lovely, though :)

@Tidermelon. If it's any consolation, I cannot view whose viewing my docs. Nor how many. I just put it as a google doc on here because it's over 20 pages and I can work on it offline. But thanks anyways.

Hey how to describe surprise or being caught off guard in first person pov

I feel like this might be a bit of a dumb question, but I'm worried that my MC is extremely unlikable? Actually no scratch that I know he's extremely unlikable. But his horribleness is so necessary to the plot, and honestly I refuse to alter him at all for no reason other than "I like him this way". So my question: is this okay? Does the fact that he has a mediocre personality and does quite reprehensible things ruin the story? And is there some way that I can fix things without altering him as a character? That last one feels like an impossible ask tbh.

I feel like this might be a bit of a dumb question, but I'm worried that my MC is extremely unlikable? Actually no scratch that I know he's extremely unlikable. But his horribleness is so necessary to the plot, and honestly I refuse to alter him at all for no reason other than "I like him this way". So my question: is this okay? Does the fact that he has a mediocre personality and does quite reprehensible things ruin the story? And is there some way that I can fix things without altering him as a character? That last one feels like an impossible ask tbh.

I think it’s fine to have an unlikable main character. I mean, as long as his development becomes a key idea in the story (read: realizing what he’s doing or seeing wrong) and he ends up a better person in the end. Unless he’s straight-up the villain of the plot, like in the first book of Artemis Fowl.

@Adaras. I added like two pages. Can you take a look at chapter four because I also added a couple of new things here and there? Also, the highlighted portion of page 20 is very work in progress/old/outdated and I might delete it by the way. Any suggestions apart from anything you've already said?

Sophia & @Adaras. I've written like two pages since. Also, keep in mind that I do intend to insert scenes here and there where it goes too fast, it's just that it's difficult for me to come up with scenes that fill in gaps (like the school scenes), I would love some help with the first part of page 20 (before the line). I was trying to write a training scene, but I was really unsure how to write it.

I feel like this might be a bit of a dumb question, but I'm worried that my MC is extremely unlikable? Actually no scratch that I know he's extremely unlikable. But his horribleness is so necessary to the plot, and honestly I refuse to alter him at all for no reason other than "I like him this way". So my question: is this okay? Does the fact that he has a mediocre personality and does quite reprehensible things ruin the story? And is there some way that I can fix things without altering him as a character? That last one feels like an impossible ask tbh.

I think it’s fine to have an unlikable main character. I mean, as long as his development becomes a key idea in the story (read: realizing what he’s doing or seeing wrong) and he ends up a better person in the end. Unless he’s straight-up the villain of the plot, like in the first book of Artemis Fowl.

I'm not sure. It's looking like he's gonna have a flat or negative character arc so far, but I think I'll just roll with it tbh. I don't know what's wrong with me but i just find it so hard to picture him in a positive light…ever. The story follows multiple people so I'm hoping that'll make his chapters a bit more bearable lol.

@Adaras. I added like two pages. Can you take a look at chapter four because I also added a couple of new things here and there? Also, the highlighted portion of page 20 is very work in progress/old/outdated and I might delete it by the way. Any suggestions apart from anything you've already said?

Sophia & @Adaras. I've written like two pages since. Also, keep in mind that I do intend to insert scenes here and there where it goes too fast, it's just that it's difficult for me to come up with scenes that fill in gaps (like the school scenes), I would love some help with the first part of page 20 (before the line). I was trying to write a training scene, but I was really unsure how to write it.

I don’t want to seem pushy or intend to pressuring you into doing what I’m about to say, but it would be a lot easier if we talked in dms- For that you would need to make a username.
Since I’m on mobil and currently don’t have a computer to type fast/get to your questions quicker, it would be helpful if you just dmed me the whole thing you would like me to review
I understand if you don’t want to do this, in which case, I’ll try my best to read through it :)

@Adaras. I added like two pages. Can you take a look at chapter four because I also added a couple of new things here and there? Also, the highlighted portion of page 20 is very work in progress/old/outdated and I might delete it by the way. Any suggestions apart from anything you've already said?

Sophia & @Adaras. I've written like two pages since. Also, keep in mind that I do intend to insert scenes here and there where it goes too fast, it's just that it's difficult for me to come up with scenes that fill in gaps (like the school scenes), I would love some help with the first part of page 20 (before the line). I was trying to write a training scene, but I was really unsure how to write it.

I don’t want to seem pushy or intend to pressuring you into doing what I’m about to say, but it would be a lot easier if we talked in dms- For that you would need to make a username.
Since I’m on mobil and currently don’t have a computer to type fast/get to your questions quicker, it would be helpful if you just dmed me the whole thing you would like me to review
I understand if you don’t want to do this, in which case, I’ll try my best to read through it :)

I understand. I'll see what I can do.

Hello!

I was hoping to get some critique on two of my characters, Eilore and Araite! For some context, they are sister Goddesses who work on Earth and were created by The Goddess of Life. They have a brother named Nyaery, but his character profile isn't complete just yet (feel free to check it out tho :P). Also please note the magic system I use is called Kilotai! You don't have to read that section because its pretty lengthy and confusing, but if you would like to be my guest! Thanks a lot :D

The Goddess of Time, Eilore: Eilore

The Goddess of The Sun, Ariate: Araite

(Forgive me for spelling mistakes I tried my best <3)