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Lately, I've been writing a document on my character Seth. It's about how he became involved with Nathaniel and his demons. This document ends his backstory before he's introduced into the main storyline. It's not completed, but I would love some critique on what I have written so far.
Can you help determine if this name is too on-the-nose? I named my main character Astra Starr, I thought it would be a good name, since he's in a superhero/action comedy series. But the name is basically "Star Star". (yes, I know "Astra" is a girl's name, I kinda thought it would be a funny idea, considering his doom-and-gloom, tough guy attitude at first.)
It's a good name, and if you like it, then that's fine. And considering that Astra is a girl's name given to a guy is perfectly fine, too!
The fact that your character's name means "Star Star" is definitely OK, as you're not exactly naming your character "Star Star" but "Astra Starr".
It's not too on-the-nose, and it would not be a problem if you kept it that way.
Personally I like the name, and find it cool that both mean "Star" :3
But if you want a different name:
Some similar feminine names would be Avis and Arwin.
Aster is unisex and it also means star, and two other unisex names are Avalon and Avira
Hope this helped! :3
Lately, I've been writing a document on my character Seth. It's about how he became involved with Nathaniel and his demons. This document ends his backstory before he's introduced into the main storyline. It's not completed, but I would love some critique on what I have written so far.
It's amazing! I don't see anything with it that needs fixing except for this part:
Seth’s body hurt. Aches and twinges put him through anguish. The other figure glared at him from the doorway. Its relentless eyes studied him, burning into his soul.
The first line of the paragraph, "Seth's body hurt" is…well, it's useless. You described the agony he was going through in the second sentence, which is what is supposed to be there: Show, don't tell. The second line follows this rule while the first does not. You could rephrase it to:
"Aches and twinges put Seth's body through anguish"
Leaving the first sentence out. Or something of the sort.
Seth stared at the studies strewn across his desk. His office was wholly dark. The only source of illumination an accrue feeble hallway light. A thought loomed over his mind. The dwelling notion of the shadowy figures in the doorway made his body twitched; his skin felt like a pincushion. Why were they there? Where did they derive? All these questions swirled around his head. Maybe he had gone off the deep end. No—NO! These figures were actual. Irritation swelled through him, and he slammed his hands on the desk. Distributed papers floated to the ground. Sweat beaded on his forehead from the spanning heat over his body.
You wrote an amazing first paragraph which would really reel the reader in. And the rest is great, too (like your use of adjectives)
Great job!
Hope that bit helped! :3
Hey! I've been working on this book for a while now, I think I finally have the first scene (Or maybe prologue?) set in stone, I know it still need a few adjustments it's pretty close… I was just wondering if there was anything visibly wrong with it. It's quite difficult to see the problems in something I consider to be my literal ChiLD
Take as long as you need to respond, no pressure! c:
I woke up.
My head was pounding, looking around the room groggily, I realized I was in a hospital. I glanced at the foot of my bed, my parents were in chairs across from me, both were asleep.
Suddenly, all my memories came rushing back to my mind like a tidal wave.
A car crash, that car… did I hurt anyone? No no no… why did this happen? I need to see if I hurt anyone! I started to get up but faltered. I clenched my jaw, my head spun violently.
I looked over and noticed something I hadn’t before, a nurse by my bedside. She reached her hands towards me, pinning me down to the bed gently “Don’t strain yourself, you still may not be in the position to get up and walk around yet. Please stay down Samuel.”
I shook my head, pointing to my parents. The nurse walked over to them and shook them lightly to bring them out of their slumber. The nurse then told them something quietly.
My mother snapped her head towards me, “Samuel! Oh, thank god!” she rushed over to me, embracing me tightly, “I thought you would be asleep forever! Thank goodness you’re alright!”
Once she had finished babbling about how scared she and dad were I tugged her towards me, whispering in her ear, “Was anyone else hurt in the crash?!” She looked at my father who was standing by my bedside and shook her head, “No. You were the only one.”
That glance between my parents made me uneasy. But I passed it off as paranoia, my parents wouldn’t lie to me about such an important topic. Right?
By the time I was let out of the hospital school was already starting up again. Well that was a pathetic summer vacation… I sighed. Though I soon reminded myself that my summer vacations never had been very exciting. I usually spent them at the library in the historical fiction section. Someplace where I was the only one around, other than the poor saps stuck with a summer reading list. I never had figured out why so many kids hated to study literature. It was much better than listening a bunch of brats bragging about spending their vacation in Miami on their family’s expensive yacht.
I always thought I might’ve been a bit strange. I was the kid who liked to (heaven forbid!) read books. The one that was “too shy” to talk, even after spending his entire life in the same school with the same people. The friendless loser, if you will.
But for a long time, I had always figured that everyone had the same problem I did. That any other kid in the 8th was shy to the point of not ever talking with their classmates and teachers. Though after communicating this difficulty to my parents, the pitiful hope of relatability got snuffed out within minutes. After that I accepted the fact that I probably wouldn’t ever be able to speak. Meaning I wouldn’t ever make any friends either.
I didn’t need them though, I usually had a lot of fun with myself, reading books in the park in the warm sunlight was something I enjoyed doing in the first few years of summer. Though the faint twinge of jealousy never went away when I watched the other kids playing tag and hide and go seek. I constantly reminded myself that I was fine on my own. I didn’t need to be with other people to have a good time. That all I needed was my parents.
Around the same time, my father would often play chess with me in the evenings when he came home from work. We would play for hours, and sometimes this would result in me falling asleep halfway through a game.
While my earlier summers were fun, they started to sour as the years went by. My father grew more distant with me, coming home from work later and later with each month. I hadn’t noticed that my parents had much less time to spend as a family. The visits to the park had soon faded away, as did those games of chess.
I would sometimes try to stay up until my father returned home, waiting to ask him to play with me. But when he did arrive, he would be tired and irritable. He would tell me to go to bed, or say that he was to tired for a game.
After a few failed attempts, I came to the conclusion that my father didn’t have time for me anymore, and that I was a bother to him.
My mother would try to comfort me, talking about things like “minimum wage.” and, “not enough time in the day.” But at this point I had already figured out what my father’s priority was. It was money. Not me, or my mother… all he wanted was wealth.
Even after he had succeeded in fending off bankruptcy, he still never spent any time with me or mom. He had been so scared of losing everything that he had worked for, that he forgot about something far more important, his family and himself.
I know it still needs a few adjustments but it's pretty close…* My brain… w h y-
Hey, Sophia, I started writing the next part of the chapter. It's the memories section. What do you think?
There were flashes, images too blurry to make out, and then suddenly, there was clarity. They were sitting on a bench, outside, in the blinding noon light. They faced a courtyard that was all too familiar to Ally. She used to play there every day in grade school. But wasn’t this supposed to be Samantha’s memory?
Three girls were standing a few yards in front of her, and Samantha must have recognized them because she moved to greet them. Upon moving closer, Ally recognized one of them. It was Elena. She must have been twelve or thirteen. If this really was Samantha's memory, she must have been eleven years old. The same age that she was when she was expelled. Elena whispered to one of the girls. The girl sneered.
“I’m not afraid of some girl!” The girl shouted. As Samantha approached the girls, she began to stumble. A moment later, the two girls standing next to Elena, started to scream, and in a matter of seconds, they had fled.
“What did you do?!” Elena scowled.
“Nothing! Nothing, I didn’t mean to, I swear,” Samantha replied, her voice frail. The memory faded, giving way to a new one.
They were in an office. Ally knew this office, it was Mr. Garcia’s office. Mr. Garcia was the Principal at Ally’s grade school. He was a stout man with short black hair and brown, beady eyes. During the time that Ally spent at Southwater Elementary, Mr. Garcia was notorious for his short temper. Next to them, sat Elena and the two girls from the courtyard. Behind them, were Samantha’s parents. Samantha’s mother was a tall, poised woman, with long, black hair and forest green eyes. Her father was short by comparison, with short, brown hair and blue eyes.
“Samantha, if the allegations brought before me are true, then I have no choice but to expel you, for the safety of the rest of the students,” Mr. Garcia said.
“But…but I didn’t mean to. It wasn’t my fault!” Samantha argued.
“From what I’ve heard, it was. Now get out!” Mr. Garcia yelled.
The image of Mr. Garcia is distorted.
It felt as though Ally got sucked back in time because she was standing in front of Elena’s door. The dark, wooden floors that Ally was used to were replaced by worn gray carpet, and the cream walls were now a dark shade of red that resembled wine.
There was a rather severe-looking woman facing her. She had hazel eyes and long, dirt brown hair that was in a bun. She wore a white shirt, a black blazer, and dress pants.
“With the signing of this document, you are hereby banned from the premises. If you are to enter the property again in your lifetime, you will be committing a crime,” the woman said, with no trace of sympathy.
Hey! I've been working on this book for a while now, I think I finally have the first scene (Or maybe prologue?) set in stone, I know it still need a few adjustments it's pretty close… I was just wondering if there was anything visibly wrong with it. It's quite difficult to see the problems in something I consider to be my literal ChiLD
Take as long as you need to respond, no pressure! c:I woke up.
My head was pounding, looking around the room groggily, I realized I was in a hospital. I glanced at the foot of my bed, my parents were in chairs across from me, both were asleep.
Suddenly, all my memories came rushing back to my mind like a tidal wave.
A car crash, that car… did I hurt anyone? No no no… why did this happen? I need to see if I hurt anyone! I started to get up but faltered. I clenched my jaw, my head spun violently.
I looked over and noticed something I hadn’t before, a nurse by my bedside. She reached her hands towards me, pinning me down to the bed gently “Don’t strain yourself, you still may not be in the position to get up and walk around yet. Please stay down Samuel.”
I shook my head, pointing to my parents. The nurse walked over to them and shook them lightly to bring them out of their slumber. The nurse then told them something quietly.
My mother snapped her head towards me, “Samuel! Oh, thank god!” she rushed over to me, embracing me tightly, “I thought you would be asleep forever! Thank goodness you’re alright!”
Once she had finished babbling about how scared she and dad were I tugged her towards me, whispering in her ear, “Was anyone else hurt in the crash?!” She looked at my father who was standing by my bedside and shook her head, “No. You were the only one.”
That glance between my parents made me uneasy. But I passed it off as paranoia, my parents wouldn’t lie to me about such an important topic. Right?By the time I was let out of the hospital school was already starting up again. Well that was a pathetic summer vacation… I sighed. Though I soon reminded myself that my summer vacations never had been very exciting. I usually spent them at the library in the historical fiction section. Someplace where I was the only one around, other than the poor saps stuck with a summer reading list. I never had figured out why so many kids hated to study literature. It was much better than listening a bunch of brats bragging about spending their vacation in Miami on their family’s expensive yacht.
I always thought I might’ve been a bit strange. I was the kid who liked to (heaven forbid!) read books. The one that was “too shy” to talk, even after spending his entire life in the same school with the same people. The friendless loser, if you will.
But for a long time, I had always figured that everyone had the same problem I did. That any other kid in the 8th was shy to the point of not ever talking with their classmates and teachers. Though after communicating this difficulty to my parents, the pitiful hope of relatability got snuffed out within minutes. After that I accepted the fact that I probably wouldn’t ever be able to speak. Meaning I wouldn’t ever make any friends either.
I didn’t need them though, I usually had a lot of fun with myself, reading books in the park in the warm sunlight was something I enjoyed doing in the first few years of summer. Though the faint twinge of jealousy never went away when I watched the other kids playing tag and hide and go seek. I constantly reminded myself that I was fine on my own. I didn’t need to be with other people to have a good time. That all I needed was my parents.
Around the same time, my father would often play chess with me in the evenings when he came home from work. We would play for hours, and sometimes this would result in me falling asleep halfway through a game.
While my earlier summers were fun, they started to sour as the years went by. My father grew more distant with me, coming home from work later and later with each month. I hadn’t noticed that my parents had much less time to spend as a family. The visits to the park had soon faded away, as did those games of chess.
I would sometimes try to stay up until my father returned home, waiting to ask him to play with me. But when he did arrive, he would be tired and irritable. He would tell me to go to bed, or say that he was to tired for a game.
After a few failed attempts, I came to the conclusion that my father didn’t have time for me anymore, and that I was a bother to him.
My mother would try to comfort me, talking about things like “minimum wage.” and, “not enough time in the day.” But at this point I had already figured out what my father’s priority was. It was money. Not me, or my mother… all he wanted was wealth.
Even after he had succeeded in fending off bankruptcy, he still never spent any time with me or mom. He had been so scared of losing everything that he had worked for, that he forgot about something far more important, his family and himself.
It's amazing! There are just a few things~~
A car crash, that car… did I hurt anyone? No no no… why did this happen? I need to see if I hurt anyone! I started to get up but faltered. I clenched my jaw, my head spun violently."
(Fourth Paragraph)
You just have to add commas after the three "No's", like this~"No, no, no… why did this happen?"
Also you may want to reconsider this~
"I need to see if I hurt anyone!"
You already had Samuel wonder if he hurt anyone here: "… did I hurt anyone?" so you don't have to add that second part.
>But when he did arrive, he would be tired and irritable. He would tell me to go to bed, or say that he was to tired for a game.
(Fourth paragraph from the bottom ᵇᵉᶜᵃᵘˢᵉ ᴵ'ᵐ ᵗᵒᵒ ˡᵃᶻʸ ᵗᵒ ᶜᵒᵘⁿᵗ ᶠʳᵒᵐ ᵗʰᵉ ᵗᵒᵖ :P)
It's a small thing but the "to" should be changed to "too" :3
Plus, don't forget to go back to the hospital section after you're done explaining Samuel!
And that's it now. You did a great job!
Hope this helped! :3
Hey! I've been working on this book for a while now, I think I finally have the first scene (Or maybe prologue?) set in stone, I know it still need a few adjustments it's pretty close… I was just wondering if there was anything visibly wrong with it. It's quite difficult to see the problems in something I consider to be my literal ChiLD
Take as long as you need to respond, no pressure! c:I woke up.
My head was pounding, looking around the room groggily, I realized I was in a hospital. I glanced at the foot of my bed, my parents were in chairs across from me, both were asleep.
Suddenly, all my memories came rushing back to my mind like a tidal wave.
A car crash, that car… did I hurt anyone? No no no… why did this happen? I need to see if I hurt anyone! I started to get up but faltered. I clenched my jaw, my head spun violently.
I looked over and noticed something I hadn’t before, a nurse by my bedside. She reached her hands towards me, pinning me down to the bed gently “Don’t strain yourself, you still may not be in the position to get up and walk around yet. Please stay down Samuel.”
I shook my head, pointing to my parents. The nurse walked over to them and shook them lightly to bring them out of their slumber. The nurse then told them something quietly.
My mother snapped her head towards me, “Samuel! Oh, thank god!” she rushed over to me, embracing me tightly, “I thought you would be asleep forever! Thank goodness you’re alright!”
Once she had finished babbling about how scared she and dad were I tugged her towards me, whispering in her ear, “Was anyone else hurt in the crash?!” She looked at my father who was standing by my bedside and shook her head, “No. You were the only one.”
That glance between my parents made me uneasy. But I passed it off as paranoia, my parents wouldn’t lie to me about such an important topic. Right?By the time I was let out of the hospital school was already starting up again. Well that was a pathetic summer vacation… I sighed. Though I soon reminded myself that my summer vacations never had been very exciting. I usually spent them at the library in the historical fiction section. Someplace where I was the only one around, other than the poor saps stuck with a summer reading list. I never had figured out why so many kids hated to study literature. It was much better than listening a bunch of brats bragging about spending their vacation in Miami on their family’s expensive yacht.
I always thought I might’ve been a bit strange. I was the kid who liked to (heaven forbid!) read books. The one that was “too shy” to talk, even after spending his entire life in the same school with the same people. The friendless loser, if you will.
But for a long time, I had always figured that everyone had the same problem I did. That any other kid in the 8th was shy to the point of not ever talking with their classmates and teachers. Though after communicating this difficulty to my parents, the pitiful hope of relatability got snuffed out within minutes. After that I accepted the fact that I probably wouldn’t ever be able to speak. Meaning I wouldn’t ever make any friends either.
I didn’t need them though, I usually had a lot of fun with myself, reading books in the park in the warm sunlight was something I enjoyed doing in the first few years of summer. Though the faint twinge of jealousy never went away when I watched the other kids playing tag and hide and go seek. I constantly reminded myself that I was fine on my own. I didn’t need to be with other people to have a good time. That all I needed was my parents.
Around the same time, my father would often play chess with me in the evenings when he came home from work. We would play for hours, and sometimes this would result in me falling asleep halfway through a game.
While my earlier summers were fun, they started to sour as the years went by. My father grew more distant with me, coming home from work later and later with each month. I hadn’t noticed that my parents had much less time to spend as a family. The visits to the park had soon faded away, as did those games of chess.
I would sometimes try to stay up until my father returned home, waiting to ask him to play with me. But when he did arrive, he would be tired and irritable. He would tell me to go to bed, or say that he was to tired for a game.
After a few failed attempts, I came to the conclusion that my father didn’t have time for me anymore, and that I was a bother to him.
My mother would try to comfort me, talking about things like “minimum wage.” and, “not enough time in the day.” But at this point I had already figured out what my father’s priority was. It was money. Not me, or my mother… all he wanted was wealth.
Even after he had succeeded in fending off bankruptcy, he still never spent any time with me or mom. He had been so scared of losing everything that he had worked for, that he forgot about something far more important, his family and himself.It's amazing! There are just a few things~~
A car crash, that car… did I hurt anyone? No no no… why did this happen? I need to see if I hurt anyone! I started to get up but faltered. I clenched my jaw, my head spun violently."
(Fourth Paragraph)
You just have to add commas after the three "No's", like this~"No, no, no… why did this happen?"
Also you may want to reconsider this~
"I need to see if I hurt anyone!"You already had Samuel wonder if he hurt anyone here: "… did I hurt anyone?" so you don't have to add that second part.
>But when he did arrive, he would be tired and irritable. He would tell me to go to bed, or say that he was to tired for a game. (Fourth paragraph from the bottom ᵇᵉᶜᵃᵘˢᵉ ᴵ'ᵐ ᵗᵒᵒ ˡᵃᶻʸ ᵗᵒ ᶜᵒᵘⁿᵗ ᶠʳᵒᵐ ᵗʰᵉ ᵗᵒᵖ :P) It's a small thing but the "to" should be changed to "too" :3Plus, don't forget to go back to the hospital section after you're done explaining Samuel!
And that's it now. You did a great job!
Hope this helped! :3
I don't know how an entire part came out in fancy font when I did it to a single line but it's fancier now, so I guess it's oki ;3
Hey, Sophia, I started writing the next part of the chapter. It's the memories section. What do you think?
There were flashes, images too blurry to make out, and then suddenly, there was clarity. They were sitting on a bench, outside, in the blinding noon light. They faced a courtyard that was all too familiar to Ally. She used to play there every day in grade school. But wasn’t this supposed to be Samantha’s memory?
Three girls were standing a few yards in front of her, and Samantha must have recognized them because she moved to greet them. Upon moving closer, Ally recognized one of them. It was Elena. She must have been twelve or thirteen. If this really was Samantha's memory, she must have been eleven years old. The same age that she was when she was expelled. Elena whispered to one of the girls. The girl sneered.
“I’m not afraid of some girl!” The girl shouted. As Samantha approached the girls, she began to stumble. A moment later, the two girls standing next to Elena, started to scream, and in a matter of seconds, they had fled.
“What did you do?!” Elena scowled.
“Nothing! Nothing, I didn’t mean to, I swear,” Samantha replied, her voice frail. The memory faded, giving way to a new one.
They were in an office. Ally knew this office, it was Mr. Garcia’s office. Mr. Garcia was the Principal at Ally’s grade school. He was a stout man with short black hair and brown, beady eyes. During the time that Ally spent at Southwater Elementary, Mr. Garcia was notorious for his short temper. Next to them, sat Elena and the two girls from the courtyard. Behind them, were Samantha’s parents. Samantha’s mother was a tall, poised woman, with long, black hair and forest green eyes. Her father was short by comparison, with short, brown hair and blue eyes.
“Samantha, if the allegations brought before me are true, then I have no choice but to expel you, for the safety of the rest of the students,” Mr. Garcia said.
“But…but I didn’t mean to. It wasn’t my fault!” Samantha argued.
“From what I’ve heard, it was. Now get out!” Mr. Garcia yelled.
The image of Mr. Garcia is distorted.
It felt as though Ally got sucked back in time because she was standing in front of Elena’s door. The dark, wooden floors that Ally was used to were replaced by worn gray carpet, and the cream walls were now a dark shade of red that resembled wine.
There was a rather severe-looking woman facing her. She had hazel eyes and long, dirt brown hair that was in a bun. She wore a white shirt, a black blazer, and dress pants.
“With the signing of this document, you are hereby banned from the premises. If you are to enter the property again in your lifetime, you will be committing a crime,” the woman said, with no trace of sympathy.
It's perfect! There's nothing that needs changing~ Can't wait to read the rest of it! :3
I've been considering replacing the last scene with another one, but I'm not sure yet.
I've been considering replacing the last scene with another one, but I'm not sure yet.
If you want to do that, then that's fine, too! What kind of scene do you have in mind?
Also, do you think the first scene needs to be more detailed? Just a thought.
Okay, I really need help with a scene. I need readers to know that one of my characters cheated on their partner, but without flat out stating it. But still to where you know exactly what I mean. Any ideas?
Hey! I've been working on this book for a while now, I think I finally have the first scene (Or maybe prologue?) set in stone, I know it still need a few adjustments it's pretty close… I was just wondering if there was anything visibly wrong with it. It's quite difficult to see the problems in something I consider to be my literal ChiLD
Take as long as you need to respond, no pressure! c:I woke up.
My head was pounding, looking around the room groggily, I realized I was in a hospital. I glanced at the foot of my bed, my parents were in chairs across from me, both were asleep.
Suddenly, all my memories came rushing back to my mind like a tidal wave.
A car crash, that car… did I hurt anyone? No no no… why did this happen? I need to see if I hurt anyone! I started to get up but faltered. I clenched my jaw, my head spun violently.
I looked over and noticed something I hadn’t before, a nurse by my bedside. She reached her hands towards me, pinning me down to the bed gently “Don’t strain yourself, you still may not be in the position to get up and walk around yet. Please stay down Samuel.”
I shook my head, pointing to my parents. The nurse walked over to them and shook them lightly to bring them out of their slumber. The nurse then told them something quietly.
My mother snapped her head towards me, “Samuel! Oh, thank god!” she rushed over to me, embracing me tightly, “I thought you would be asleep forever! Thank goodness you’re alright!”
Once she had finished babbling about how scared she and dad were I tugged her towards me, whispering in her ear, “Was anyone else hurt in the crash?!” She looked at my father who was standing by my bedside and shook her head, “No. You were the only one.”
That glance between my parents made me uneasy. But I passed it off as paranoia, my parents wouldn’t lie to me about such an important topic. Right?By the time I was let out of the hospital school was already starting up again. Well that was a pathetic summer vacation… I sighed. Though I soon reminded myself that my summer vacations never had been very exciting. I usually spent them at the library in the historical fiction section. Someplace where I was the only one around, other than the poor saps stuck with a summer reading list. I never had figured out why so many kids hated to study literature. It was much better than listening a bunch of brats bragging about spending their vacation in Miami on their family’s expensive yacht.
I always thought I might’ve been a bit strange. I was the kid who liked to (heaven forbid!) read books. The one that was “too shy” to talk, even after spending his entire life in the same school with the same people. The friendless loser, if you will.
But for a long time, I had always figured that everyone had the same problem I did. That any other kid in the 8th was shy to the point of not ever talking with their classmates and teachers. Though after communicating this difficulty to my parents, the pitiful hope of relatability got snuffed out within minutes. After that I accepted the fact that I probably wouldn’t ever be able to speak. Meaning I wouldn’t ever make any friends either.
I didn’t need them though, I usually had a lot of fun with myself, reading books in the park in the warm sunlight was something I enjoyed doing in the first few years of summer. Though the faint twinge of jealousy never went away when I watched the other kids playing tag and hide and go seek. I constantly reminded myself that I was fine on my own. I didn’t need to be with other people to have a good time. That all I needed was my parents.
Around the same time, my father would often play chess with me in the evenings when he came home from work. We would play for hours, and sometimes this would result in me falling asleep halfway through a game.
While my earlier summers were fun, they started to sour as the years went by. My father grew more distant with me, coming home from work later and later with each month. I hadn’t noticed that my parents had much less time to spend as a family. The visits to the park had soon faded away, as did those games of chess.
I would sometimes try to stay up until my father returned home, waiting to ask him to play with me. But when he did arrive, he would be tired and irritable. He would tell me to go to bed, or say that he was to tired for a game.
After a few failed attempts, I came to the conclusion that my father didn’t have time for me anymore, and that I was a bother to him.
My mother would try to comfort me, talking about things like “minimum wage.” and, “not enough time in the day.” But at this point I had already figured out what my father’s priority was. It was money. Not me, or my mother… all he wanted was wealth.
Even after he had succeeded in fending off bankruptcy, he still never spent any time with me or mom. He had been so scared of losing everything that he had worked for, that he forgot about something far more important, his family and himself.It's amazing! There are just a few things~~
A car crash, that car… did I hurt anyone? No no no… why did this happen? I need to see if I hurt anyone! I started to get up but faltered. I clenched my jaw, my head spun violently."
(Fourth Paragraph)
You just have to add commas after the three "No's", like this~"No, no, no… why did this happen?"
Also you may want to reconsider this~
"I need to see if I hurt anyone!"You already had Samuel wonder if he hurt anyone here: "… did I hurt anyone?" so you don't have to add that second part.
>But when he did arrive, he would be tired and irritable. He would tell me to go to bed, or say that he was to tired for a game. (Fourth paragraph from the bottom ᵇᵉᶜᵃᵘˢᵉ ᴵ'ᵐ ᵗᵒᵒ ˡᵃᶻʸ ᵗᵒ ᶜᵒᵘⁿᵗ ᶠʳᵒᵐ ᵗʰᵉ ᵗᵒᵖ :P) It's a small thing but the "to" should be changed to "too" :3Plus, don't forget to go back to the hospital section after you're done explaining Samuel!
And that's it now. You did a great job!
Hope this helped! :3I don't know how an entire part came out in fancy font when I did it to a single line but it's fancier now, so I guess it's oki ;3
Ohhh, alrighty then! Thank you again for all your assistance! I hope you have a great day! :D
Hey, Sophia, I added some more to the chapter. What do you think? BTW I kept all of the rest of the chapter.
The document was thick and filled with rules and words that Samantha couldn’t begin to understand. On the front page, there was a dotted line, where the names of her parents sat, in thick, elegant writing.
“Samantha, get out!” Samantha’s mother ordered. They walked forward slowly.
“Come on! A monster like you doesn’t deserve to live here!” Elena said, bitterly. And once again, Ally was plunged into darkness.
It was like waking up from a dream. A horrible dream.
“You weren’t the first person to think I was a monster. What I showed you wasn’t even the worst of it. I lived on the streets for years, just struggling to survive. No one would take in a homeless freak like me,” Samantha said, sadness creeping into her voice.
Ally was unsure how she knew, but she was certain that the memories she’d just witnessed were real.
“You’re no freak. You’re a woman who let her anger lead her astray,”
“You’re better than me, Ally. Stronger than me. You have people who love you - who believe in you - who trust you. That’s why you’re here. That’s why I’ve been trying to help you. I couldn’t let another person throw their life away. I made you a promise, and I intend to keep it,” Samantha said.
“I won’t let you throw your life away either.”
“It’s your turn,” Samantha said, smiling playfully.
“No,” Ally said, sternly.
“Why not? As much as I claim to know you, there is much of your life that happened outside this house. You always kept to yourself as much as possible. You never told me anything of your own accord. It won’t hurt anyone, especially me.”
Ally glared at her, “Damn you and your faultless logic!” That earned her a quizzical look from Samantha. Ally simply rolled her eyes, closing them after a moment.
The day Ally discovered her abilities, Samantha told her to concentrate on the person she was trying to reach. That’s exactly what she did. Once she reached Samantha’s mind in her imaginary field, she realized that there was a bubble surrounding it, after a moment, it disappeared and Ally entered her mind.
When Samantha had shown Ally her memories it was like a blanket of memories was surrounding her. When Ally tried to recall something from her past, it was less controlled, more sporadic. A glimpse of the News report on Samantha’s identity when Ally was eight. After a few tries, the images sharpened, revealing a hallway that was most familiar to Ally.
She stood in a hallway in her grade school. Kids were talking in groups on all sides of her. It was three days after Samantha’s identity was revealed to the world, and two months after Ally discovered she had powers.
An older boy, who was maybe ten or eleven, approached her. He was a foot taller than her and one of the most intimidating kids in school.
“Hey, Cowiak! I saw your mom on Tv the other day. She’s a real criminal, isn’t she? A real monster! A messed up, powered freak. You’re a monster, just like her!” the boy teased. Ally’s balled her fists.
“I am nothing like her!” Ally growled.
The memory faded. Another image took its place. She was back in Mr. Garcia’s office.
“They keep making fun of me. Calling me names. Vincent Moore keeps calling me a monster,” Ally said.
“Deal with it Ms. Cowiak, and get out of my office.” Mr. Garcia drolled.
The last memory took hold of her. She was standing in Elena’s house, facing Elena, Tammi, and Tommy. This was the day she found out about Samantha.
“How long have you known?” Ally asked, softly.
Elena opened her mouth to respond but she wasn’t the one to answer.
“It wasn’t our place to tell,” Tammi said. Ally huffed.
“Wasn’t your place to tell,” she mocked. “It wasn’t your place to tell me that I wasn’t crazy! That, in fact, my mother can read minds. That my mother is a criminal. How long have you all been lying to me?!” Ally bellowed. Her fists were clenched and with every word, her fists grew tighter.
“I’ve known since it began. I thought you’d be safer not knowing. Not hating her for the things she did to others,” Elena added.
“Safer?” Ally sneered. “You call this safe?” Ally motioned to three red scars on her left upper arm. “She did this before I knew. Your pathetic attempts at protection mean nothing when it comes to her.” Ally opened her eyes. As soon as Ally’s disorientation passed she realized that she had been rubbing her scars subconsciously.
Samantha smiled half-heartedly, “So, that school was bad to you too.”
Ally shook her head in disbelief, “He - Mr. Garcia knew who you were, and he resented me for it. He didn’t give a damn about me. He thought I was about the second-worst girl to walk through his halls. He heard ‘monster’ and ‘Cowiak’ in the same sentence and assumed it was true. Assumed that powers equal bad.”
Hey, Sophia, not to bug you, but it's been almost 2 weeks since my initial question, could you try to get back to me soon. Thanks!
Hey, Sophia, not to bug you, but it's been almost 2 weeks since my initial question, could you try to get back to me soon. Thanks!
Same, actually. I asked a question nearly 2 months ago and it seems to have gotten overlooked
https://www.notebook.ai/forum/posts/2401579
Hey, Sophia, I added some more to the chapter. What do you think? BTW I kept all of the rest of the chapter.
The document was thick and filled with rules and words that Samantha couldn’t begin to understand. On the front page, there was a dotted line, where the names of her parents sat, in thick, elegant writing.
“Samantha, get out!” Samantha’s mother ordered. They walked forward slowly.
“Come on! A monster like you doesn’t deserve to live here!” Elena said, bitterly. And once again, Ally was plunged into darkness.
It was like waking up from a dream. A horrible dream.
“You weren’t the first person to think I was a monster. What I showed you wasn’t even the worst of it. I lived on the streets for years, just struggling to survive. No one would take in a homeless freak like me,” Samantha said, sadness creeping into her voice.
Ally was unsure how she knew, but she was certain that the memories she’d just witnessed were real.
“You’re no freak. You’re a woman who let her anger lead her astray,”
“You’re better than me, Ally. Stronger than me. You have people who love you - who believe in you - who trust you. That’s why you’re here. That’s why I’ve been trying to help you. I couldn’t let another person throw their life away. I made you a promise, and I intend to keep it,” Samantha said.
“I won’t let you throw your life away either.”
“It’s your turn,” Samantha said, smiling playfully.
“No,” Ally said, sternly.
“Why not? As much as I claim to know you, there is much of your life that happened outside this house. You always kept to yourself as much as possible. You never told me anything of your own accord. It won’t hurt anyone, especially me.”
Ally glared at her, “Damn you and your faultless logic!” That earned her a quizzical look from Samantha. Ally simply rolled her eyes, closing them after a moment.
The day Ally discovered her abilities, Samantha told her to concentrate on the person she was trying to reach. That’s exactly what she did. Once she reached Samantha’s mind in her imaginary field, she realized that there was a bubble surrounding it, after a moment, it disappeared and Ally entered her mind.
When Samantha had shown Ally her memories it was like a blanket of memories was surrounding her. When Ally tried to recall something from her past, it was less controlled, more sporadic. A glimpse of the News report on Samantha’s identity when Ally was eight. After a few tries, the images sharpened, revealing a hallway that was most familiar to Ally.
She stood in a hallway in her grade school. Kids were talking in groups on all sides of her. It was three days after Samantha’s identity was revealed to the world, and two months after Ally discovered she had powers.
An older boy, who was maybe ten or eleven, approached her. He was a foot taller than her and one of the most intimidating kids in school.
“Hey, Cowiak! I saw your mom on Tv the other day. She’s a real criminal, isn’t she? A real monster! A messed up, powered freak. You’re a monster, just like her!” the boy teased. Ally’s balled her fists.
“I am nothing like her!” Ally growled.
The memory faded. Another image took its place. She was back in Mr. Garcia’s office.
“They keep making fun of me. Calling me names. Vincent Moore keeps calling me a monster,” Ally said.
“Deal with it Ms. Cowiak, and get out of my office.” Mr. Garcia drolled.
The last memory took hold of her. She was standing in Elena’s house, facing Elena, Tammi, and Tommy. This was the day she found out about Samantha.
“How long have you known?” Ally asked, softly.
Elena opened her mouth to respond but she wasn’t the one to answer.
“It wasn’t our place to tell,” Tammi said. Ally huffed.
“Wasn’t your place to tell,” she mocked. “It wasn’t your place to tell me that I wasn’t crazy! That, in fact, my mother can read minds. That my mother is a criminal. How long have you all been lying to me?!” Ally bellowed. Her fists were clenched and with every word, her fists grew tighter.
“I’ve known since it began. I thought you’d be safer not knowing. Not hating her for the things she did to others,” Elena added.
“Safer?” Ally sneered. “You call this safe?” Ally motioned to three red scars on her left upper arm. “She did this before I knew. Your pathetic attempts at protection mean nothing when it comes to her.” Ally opened her eyes. As soon as Ally’s disorientation passed she realized that she had been rubbing her scars subconsciously.
Samantha smiled half-heartedly, “So, that school was bad to you too.”
Ally shook her head in disbelief, “He - Mr. Garcia knew who you were, and he resented me for it. He didn’t give a damn about me. He thought I was about the second-worst girl to walk through his halls. He heard ‘monster’ and ‘Cowiak’ in the same sentence and assumed it was true. Assumed that powers equal bad.”
Hey, Sophia, I've added more to the chapter. What do you think? What should I write next? (I only ask because I'm unsure what to say/write next, but maybe I'm just not in the headspace to write. Idk) I think I'm going to end the chapter with the section below.
Samantha smiled wryly, "I knew you were angry with me after finding out, but I didn't realize…" she shook her head, looking Ally in the eye, “You took it out on them? They didn’t deserve that.”
“No, you did! You’re the one who started the lies. Who kept secrets,” Ally started, running her hand through her hair, “All you do is keep secrets! You perpetuated this lie about yourself for years and despite all the signs staring me in the face I couldn’t see it!” Ally screamed, slamming her hand on the table. Samantha just stood there, blankly, not even blinking an eye.
Not trying to push, but does anyone know if Sophia's been active here in the past month? If she hasn't, is there anyone else who is willing to help me? Not trying to come as rude, btw. Thanks!
Hey if you're not busy, Can you help me how to describe sensations
Not trying to push, but does anyone know if Sophia's been active here in the past month? If she hasn't, is there anyone else who is willing to help me? Not trying to come as rude, btw. Thanks!
yep yep hi hi, I'm Altas and I saw your help thread and responded. I also got carried away and read what you have so far and made some annotations. I'll link the URL here, so you can check it out. You've done a very good job with what you wrote and I found it very enjoyable to read- even laughed on some parts.
Hey if you're not busy, Can you help me how to describe sensations
I'm not the original poster, but i think this might be something that'll help??
I've got a character
Supposed to be the funny one of the team. Likes to reference memes, popular media, stuff like that
Can it work, humor-wise? How, exactly?
My first impression on your character is that you need to elaborate more on well, everything. Give me more descriptions, especially on her personality. But to answer your question, yes, it can work, any character can be fitted into the humor role. How exactly is a completely different thing. If you're asking how to incorporate humor into your writing then I think I might have some tips.
Since your character is a superhero and they might work with their friends who are other superheroes, they might have several chances to talk.
For example with Jay, he has flaws, that could be something Alyx teases Jay for to keep things lighthearted when they're going into really stressful situations.
But if you're going for things you want to incorporate, that being strictly social media-wise, then it can be something like this:
When someone in the team catches a villain and the villain is visibly roughed up by one of her friends, she can make a face and say "sheeeeeesh" (since that's something I've seen a lot around these days lmao) it's small things like that that can relieve the tension in the air.
but just like KV said, since we're not the original creators of this thread you might get different opinions and advice. I'm not sure how helpful this'll be, so if you need me to explain further on some things feel free to ask and I'll try my best to respond.
Not trying to push, but does anyone know if Sophia's been active here in the past month? If she hasn't, is there anyone else who is willing to help me? Not trying to come as rude, btw. Thanks!
yep yep hi hi, I'm Altas and I saw your help thread and responded. I also got carried away and read what you have so far and made some annotations. I'll link the URL here, so you can check it out. You've done a very good job with what you wrote and I found it very enjoyable to read- even laughed on some parts.
By the way, the docx I was writing & and asking about on this thread wasn't this one, but it's the one I'm writing at the moment. If you want to look at the other one, I'll link it below. (Warning: it's much longer!)
Not trying to push, but does anyone know if Sophia's been active here in the past month? If she hasn't, is there anyone else who is willing to help me? Not trying to come as rude, btw. Thanks!
yep yep hi hi, I'm Altas and I saw your help thread and responded. I also got carried away and read what you have so far and made some annotations. I'll link the URL here, so you can check it out. You've done a very good job with what you wrote and I found it very enjoyable to read- even laughed on some parts.
if you used the comment feature, I can't read them If not, could you maybe highlight your annotations or something. That would be helpful.
Also, I added about a page ish to the og document lastnight.
I've got a character
Supposed to be the funny one of the team. Likes to reference memes, popular media, stuff like that
Can it work, humor-wise? How, exactly?My first impression on your character is that you need to elaborate more on well, everything. Give me more descriptions, especially on her personality. But to answer your question, yes, it can work, any character can be fitted into the humor role. How exactly is a completely different thing. If you're asking how to incorporate humor into your writing then I think I might have some tips.
Since your character is a superhero and they might work with their friends who are other superheroes, they might have several chances to talk.
For example with Jay, he has flaws, that could be something Alyx teases Jay for to keep things lighthearted when they're going into really stressful situations.But if you're going for things you want to incorporate, that being strictly social media-wise, then it can be something like this:
When someone in the team catches a villain and the villain is visibly roughed up by one of her friends, she can make a face and say "sheeeeeesh" (since that's something I've seen a lot around these days lmao) it's small things like that that can relieve the tension in the air.
but just like KV said, since we're not the original creators of this thread you might get different opinions and advice. I'm not sure how helpful this'll be, so if you need me to explain further on some things feel free to ask and I'll try my best to respond.
[GASP] FINALLY :D
@ApatheticLoser Ok, so, now I fully realize that even if I don't have her make references I can still have her be tease-prone and quippy and stuff, so, thanks
(I did have her be like that when I imagined scenes though, she isn't a walking pop culture reference dispenser. I guess my brain never actually processed it until it was pointed out to me…)
But what I meant with my original question was more or less, how can I have her make references often, with it being actually funny and not feeling too forced?
Hey, Atlas, there's a section I wrote that is really long and I feel if probably boring. Can you help me either sum it up or make it more interesting. Here's the section.
In the front of the stage stood my dad. Behind him stood, my mom, Tammi, and Tina. At the back of the room, was a reporter with a camera. No one told me, they intended to film this, but then again it wasn’t my choice to potentially ruin our family’s lives. As we had established, I took my place next to my mom.
Once all the students and teachers arrived, Tammi walked up to the microphone that sat center stage.
“I’m sorry about the interruption, but due to some recent events, we felt as though we had to get this out of the way as soon as possible. Ben, your up,” she said.
As my dad walked up to the microphone, his hands shook. “Hello, for those of you who haven’t met me, my name is Ben Miller. I am twenty-eight years old, and I teach Fairy History here at the Southwater Interspecies Academy. My story is a long and complex one, but I’ll try and sum it up in as short of time as possible. I was born on the last day of what is known to - to my kind as the Destruction.” He paused as a number of presumably fairies gasped.
“When I was born there were only three other fairies left in the Old World; my birth mother, and my adoptive parents. My parents adopted me and left the old world in what they thought was the last ship left. From there we traveled six months before we got trapped for nearly five years in a star system named Salut. It means timeless in the Old Language. When I was five years old, my eyes were opened to the harsh reality of living on a planet and among a people that felt that you didn’t belong. Six months later, I begged my mother to make me human and she did and for twenty-three years the process transformation that usually occurs in fairies passed me by. But I shortly realized that even though I didn’t look like a fairy or have magic, the human kids at my school still saw me as a fairy. One day, when I was thirteen, someone broke into my house. She looked me dead in the eyes and drained the life out of my parents.”
My dad glanced back towards my mom, gulped, and looked right at the camera as he said, “After she was done, she walked up to me and said, ‘Hello, Ben, my name is Alex and I’m your mother.’” There was a collective gasp in the audience.
“I just looked at her, shellshocked and said, ‘You're not my mother, you're the woman who murdered my parents.’ and ran off. Over the next several months, I would learn of the atrocities that Alex had committed, and of her agenda to murder the girl that I loved. It was then that I decided that as long as I shall live, I would never allow Alex Howler to hurt anyone I love ever again. Thank you.”
Not trying to push, but does anyone know if Sophia's been active here in the past month? If she hasn't, is there anyone else who is willing to help me? Not trying to come as rude, btw. Thanks!
yep yep hi hi, I'm Altas and I saw your help thread and responded. I also got carried away and read what you have so far and made some annotations. I'll link the URL here, so you can check it out. You've done a very good job with what you wrote and I found it very enjoyable to read- even laughed on some parts.
if you used the comment feature, I can't read them If not, could you maybe highlight your annotations or something. That would be helpful.
Also, I added about a page ish to the og document lastnight.
That's alright, I'll give it a look and see what the problem areas are and what I can help you with. Also, I figured out that if you want to be able to see my comments, we have to share the document directly, that would mean I would need access to your email, but I don't know if you're up for that. If not, then I can see if I can find another way to give you my feedback.
I've got a character
Supposed to be the funny one of the team. Likes to reference memes, popular media, stuff like that
Can it work, humor-wise? How, exactly?My first impression on your character is that you need to elaborate more on well, everything. Give me more descriptions, especially on her personality. But to answer your question, yes, it can work, any character can be fitted into the humor role. How exactly is a completely different thing. If you're asking how to incorporate humor into your writing then I think I might have some tips.
Since your character is a superhero and they might work with their friends who are other superheroes, they might have several chances to talk.
For example with Jay, he has flaws, that could be something Alyx teases Jay for to keep things lighthearted when they're going into really stressful situations.But if you're going for things you want to incorporate, that being strictly social media-wise, then it can be something like this:
When someone in the team catches a villain and the villain is visibly roughed up by one of her friends, she can make a face and say "sheeeeeesh" (since that's something I've seen a lot around these days lmao) it's small things like that that can relieve the tension in the air.
but just like KV said, since we're not the original creators of this thread you might get different opinions and advice. I'm not sure how helpful this'll be, so if you need me to explain further on some things feel free to ask and I'll try my best to respond.
[GASP] FINALLY :D
@ApatheticLoser Ok, so, now I fully realize that even if I don't have her make references I can still have her be tease-prone and quippy and stuff, so, thanks
(I did have her be like that when I imagined scenes though, she isn't a walking pop culture reference dispenser. I guess my brain never actually processed it until it was pointed out to me…)But what I meant with my original question was more or less, how can I have her make references often, with it being actually funny and not feeling too forced?
Well, here's the thing, you don't want her to make too many references at once, you're going to have to judge on how often is too soon for her to make another joke. And also with jokes, sometimes they don't land so if you want her to seem more realistic then have her awkwardly laugh it off when no one reacts, maybe she mutters to herself to brush off the failed attempt, like a way of coping.
I think that this goes in hand with how well do you know your characters? If Alyx makes a reference and typically a certain character doesn't react to her because that's his personality, then that's fine but if a character that typically responds to Alyx doesn't when she does her thing, then you might be overdoing it.
It also comes down to does it feel natural? If you're writing and you suddenly have this realization of "oh! This thing could fit here!" and you feel happy with it then you've got it, but if you start trying to fit references everywhere in hopes to make her funnier, it might not be as good.
My advice would be, if it feels too squished in together with the rest of your writing, take it out. Sometimes less is more.
Hey, Atlas, there's a section I wrote that is really long and I feel if probably boring. Can you help me either sum it up or make it more interesting. Here's the section.
In the front of the stage stood my dad. Behind him stood, my mom, Tammi, and Tina. At the back of the room, was a reporter with a camera. No one told me, they intended to film this, but then again it wasn’t my choice to potentially ruin our family’s lives. As we had established, I took my place next to my mom.
Once all the students and teachers arrived, Tammi walked up to the microphone that sat center stage.
“I’m sorry about the interruption, but due to some recent events, we felt as though we had to get this out of the way as soon as possible. Ben, your up,” she said.
As my dad walked up to the microphone, his hands shook. “Hello, for those of you who haven’t met me, my name is Ben Miller. I am twenty-eight years old, and I teach Fairy History here at the Southwater Interspecies Academy. My story is a long and complex one, but I’ll try and sum it up in as short of time as possible. I was born on the last day of what is known to - to my kind as the Destruction.” He paused as a number of presumably fairies gasped.
“When I was born there were only three other fairies left in the Old World; my birth mother, and my adoptive parents. My parents adopted me and left the old world in what they thought was the last ship left. From there we traveled six months before we got trapped for nearly five years in a star system named Salut. It means timeless in the Old Language. When I was five years old, my eyes were opened to the harsh reality of living on a planet and among a people that felt that you didn’t belong. Six months later, I begged my mother to make me human and she did and for twenty-three years the process transformation that usually occurs in fairies passed me by. But I shortly realized that even though I didn’t look like a fairy or have magic, the human kids at my school still saw me as a fairy. One day, when I was thirteen, someone broke into my house. She looked me dead in the eyes and drained the life out of my parents.”
My dad glanced back towards my mom, gulped, and looked right at the camera as he said, “After she was done, she walked up to me and said, ‘Hello, Ben, my name is Alex and I’m your mother.’” There was a collective gasp in the audience.
“I just looked at her, shellshocked and said, ‘You're not my mother, you're the woman who murdered my parents.’ and ran off. Over the next several months, I would learn of the atrocities that Alex had committed, and of her agenda to murder the girl that I loved. It was then that I decided that as long as I shall live, I would never allow Alex Howler to hurt anyone I love ever again. Thank you.”
Alright, before I get into what I'm going to say, I would like to address this sentence: " It means timeless in the Old Language."
So while I read, the story flowed nicely, until I got to this. Instead of feeling like this was part of Ben's speech, it felt like you, the writer, tried to cram information in. Which, hey, I've done that a lot, in hopes of getting everything in, but when you try to put extra information in like this, even if it's a small piece, it throws the reader off.
It's not something we need to know- and if I had never known what the word meant, it wouldn't have changed anything. You could keep it like that if you'd like, it's not that big of a deal, but I feel like if you wanted to incorporate this small piece in, there are cleverer ways of doing so. Again, not a big deal, but I thought I'd point it out.
Now for the rest of the writing. Yes, you're right in the fact that it's a little "boring", but when one of your characters is talking about their past in efforts to change the perspective of others, it's going to be a little boring, it's an informative piece and necessary, so not everything you write is going to be engaging enough as say a fighting scene.
When I read this, I felt as if though this was something that needed more build-up. This is a big moment for Ben to come out and talk about something like this when he knows that this is a potentially dangerous subject. He risks putting everyone he loves in danger because of the stigma that a certain species are dangerous, people might want him or his family dead to eliminate the threat.
For a second I'm going to step away from criticism and give you my opinion on the matter. You can take this with a grain of salt if you like.
Personally, if Ben was my character I would like to see him at his limit. Have him give this speech when he's come close to losing his daughter, his wife. Maybe someone died because they thought Ben and the people he associated with were these horrible people that weren't in actuality. Maybe after this has happened, he beats himself up for it and wishes he would have said something sooner to give his perspective, so that they would have known that he wasn't like his mother.
I think it would make for an emotional scene and give just a little more meaning to his speech. I feel like it's too soon for Ben to start talking about his past, it's something that should unfold through the story- but then again, this is just my opinion. If you have a reason for having Ben do his backstory so early in the book, then that's definitely okay! As long as you structure everything nicely, then there are no problems.