forum Need Help With Anything? (Open)

Started October 21, 2020 by ☁ 𝙲𝚕𝚘𝚞𝚍𝚒

tune

Can I post a part of something I'm writing here? Can someone tell me how I could improve and things of that nature?

Yes, of course you can Tati!

Yes, of course, you can Tati!

Thanks. This scene isn't done btw. I might edit the post later if I add anything today.

It all started one October afternoon. Before that day, I truly believed that I could be normal one day but, when Ally Cowiak and Ben Miller are your parents, anything can happen. So, when The Queen of the Fairies showed up at our door, I was the least bit surprised.

"Tina! What are you doing here?" My mother asked with a tight smile.

Like most fairies, Tina was short. Her long, blonde hair was pulled into a ponytail, and despite the chilly autumn weather, she wore a knee-length, pale pink dress and black heels.

"Over the past couple of months, I noticed something about Amelia. So, I decided to look into it, and I know, Ally, you didn't want me to look into it, but I did anyway. I discovered that Amelia is a fairy." The second Tina finished talking, two things happened. All the blood drained from my dad's face, and his and my mom's expressions turned to worried. Before I had time to wonder why. There was a puff of smoke and a woman standing in the middle of the room.

"Amelia, get behind me!" my dad shouted. I obliged.

"Come on, Ben. You know I won't hurt her," the woman smiled. There was an eerie familiarity about the woman as if I had met her once before, but I was sure that I hadn't. The woman would have stood out in a crowd. She had pale skin, blue-green eyes, and long black hair that was woven into intricate braids. She wore an elegant, layered dress the color of blood. The dress was torn in a multitude of places as if it had been struck repeatedly by a sword.

"You've hurt me and everyone else I care about. So, no, Alex, I don't," he replied.

"You just found out she's a fairy, and you're worrying yourself with the thought that I'd hurt her. You've been living here for two months, Ben. How many times have you reminded yourself that if I wished harm or death upon your daughter, you'd know it already? She is not her mother, but she still suffers the same torments. What will happen when the truth about her is revealed? I suspect every damn thing you've tried to prevent from happening will happen. You will be lucky if the world doesn't put bounties on your heads," Alex said. There was no kindness in her voice. It was clear to me at that moment that I was the only person present who did not know the truth she spoke of. I knew my father was raised by fairies, but that was not entirely what she was referring to. It was a small part of a much larger secret: one that would threaten to crumble my family if we let it.

To this day, I don't know what made me do it, but I stepped out from behind my dad; to face Alex. I was not going to let her intimidate me. She tried to murder my mother for an ability that my mother and I possess. She may not have wished me dead, but I was not going to cower in my father's shadow.

"I have lived thus far with the legacy of one hated woman I can live with another!" I said. Alex smirked.

"When'd you tell her?" she asked my dad.

"I didn't," was his response. I don't think I have ever seen my father look at me with such disbelief in my life.

"Smart girl," his mother said.

"It wasn't that hard. However, thanks to you, I am about the most unlucky girl on the planet. After all, you and Samantha are the two most hated people on the planet. Except, no one wants anything to do with you. You have wished harm upon every one of my family members. You deserve to rot in jail."

There was a twinkle in her eyes like she was planning something. A heartbeat later, Alex had thrust out her arm; a column of flame had erupted from her arm and was heading right toward me. It engulfed my arm; it was inescapable agony. It felt like I had stuck my arm in a pot of molten hot lava. Suddenly, there was a gust of wind, and the column of flame dispersed.
"Guys… That wasn't me…" I said.

"Me neither," Tina said. Everyone simultaneously looked at my dad.

Alex smirked. "I guess that spell wasn't as permanent as you thought."

That's amazing! Great job!

That's amazing! Great job!
I added a couple more paragraphs. Is there anything I can improve? Could I end the chapter here? I have an idea for after this, but it is only about as long as what is already there. Do you have any ideas about how I could go from here? Plot ideas, etc.

I think it's pretty good. You could end the chapter here. But either way, you could continue with Amelia and Ben talking about Alex, and how Amelia knew about her and such

I sort of had an idea last night, but I'm not sure if it is even a good one or would fit in my story. But I had an idea to do two endings. The 'fake or good ending' and the 'true or bad ending' I know video games do this stuff, but would it be a good idea for a book?

I sort of had an idea last night, but I'm not sure if it is even a good one or would fit in my story. But I had an idea to do two endings. The 'fake or good ending' and the 'true or bad ending' I know video games do this stuff, but would it be a good idea for a book?

That's kinda like a choose your own adventure thing…

I need help on how to make a character… likeable?

I need help on how to make a character… likeable?

Sure, I can help you with that.
What's your character like? What do you think is un-likable about them?

I sort of had an idea last night, but I'm not sure if it is even a good one or would fit in my story. But I had an idea to do two endings. The 'fake or good ending' and the 'true or bad ending' I know video games do this stuff, but would it be a good idea for a book?

Of course it would be a good idea for a book! But do you mean you want to do both, or choose one? Either way sounds great!

I need help on how to make a character… likeable?

Sure, I can help you with that.
What's your character like? What do you think is un-likable about them?

Can I link them?

Yes, of course!

Vozreal

Thank you for linking him!
He looks like an interesting character. I remember reading about him in one of your stories just today! What do you think is un-likable about him? Or is it a different feeling?

Just… How do I make him unique and interesting ajd relatable?

I mean that at first you think you've finished the book, but then you flip the page and it says you've unlocked the true ending. The first ending you read is the fake ending. I won't start the book over of course, just back to where everything can change based on what the character chooses. I'm not sure if there should be a fake ending, but two alternate endings and the reader can choose which one they like better.

Yes, of course, you can Tati!

It all started one October afternoon. Before that day, I truly believed that I could be normal one day but, when Ally Cowiak and Ben Miller are your parents, anything can happen. So, when The Queen of the Fairies showed up at our door, I was the least bit surprised.

"Tina! What are you doing here?" My mother asked with a tight smile.

Like most fairies, Tina was short. Her long, blonde hair was pulled into a ponytail, and despite the chilly autumn weather, she wore a knee-length, pale pink dress and black heels.

"Over the past couple of months, I noticed something about Amelia. So, I decided to look into it, and I know, Ally, you didn't want me to look into it, but I did anyway. I discovered that Amelia is a fairy." The second Tina finished talking, two things happened. All the blood drained from my dad's face, and his and my mom's expressions turned to worried. Before I had time to wonder why. There was a puff of smoke and a woman standing in the middle of the room.

"Amelia, get behind me!" my dad shouted. I obliged.

"Come on, Ben. You know I won't hurt her," the woman smiled. There was an eerie familiarity about the woman as if I had met her once before, but I was sure that I hadn't. The woman would have stood out in a crowd. She had pale skin, blue-green eyes, and long black hair that was woven into intricate braids. She wore an elegant, layered dress the color of blood. The dress was torn in a multitude of places as if it had been struck repeatedly by a sword.

"You've hurt me and everyone else I care about. So, no, Alex, I don't," he replied.

"You just found out she's a fairy, and you're worrying yourself with the thought that I'd hurt her. You've been living here for two months, Ben. How many times have you reminded yourself that if I wished harm or death upon your daughter, you'd know it already? She is not her mother, but she still suffers the same torments. What will happen when the truth about her is revealed? I suspect every damn thing you've tried to prevent from happening will happen. You will be lucky if the world doesn't put bounties on your heads," Alex said. There was no kindness in her voice. It was clear to me at that moment that I was the only person present who did not know the truth she spoke of. I knew my father was raised by fairies, but that was not entirely what she was referring to. It was a small part of a much larger secret: one that would threaten to crumble my family if we let it.

To this day, I don't know what made me do it, but I stepped out from behind my dad; to face Alex. I was not going to let her intimidate me. She tried to murder my mother for an ability that my mother and I possess. She may not have wished me dead, but I was not going to cower in my father's shadow.

"I have lived thus far with the legacy of one hated woman I can live with another!" I said. Alex smirked.

"When'd you tell her?" she asked my dad.

"I didn't," was his response. I don't think I have ever seen my father look at me with such disbelief in my life.

"Smart girl," his mother said.

"It wasn't that hard. However, thanks to you, I am about the most unlucky girl on the planet. After all, you and Samantha are the two most hated people on the planet. Except, no one wants anything to do with you. You have wished harm upon every one of my family members. You deserve to rot in jail."

There was a twinkle in her eyes like she was planning something. A heartbeat later, Alex had thrust out her arm; a column of flame had erupted from her arm and was heading right toward me. It engulfed my arm; it was inescapable agony. It felt like I had stuck my arm in a pot of molten hot lava. Suddenly, there was a gust of wind, and the column of flame dispersed.
"Guys… That wasn't me…" I said.

"Me neither," Tina said. Everyone simultaneously looked at my dad.

Alex smirked. "I guess that spell wasn't as permanent as you thought."

I wanted to add the following paragraph into the part above but didn't know where. Can you help me? The paragraph is about how she knew who Alex was. Also do I need to add more to it?

Years ago, my mother told me how my father was adopted. How he was born a fairy. How not many fairies were orphans. How he had to witness the ruthless murders of his adoptive parents. How the murderer - Alex Howler did not kill him even given numerous chances. I thought of all this at that moment.

I'm going to post what is part of a second chapter below. What do you think? Do I need to improve anything? Anything, in particular, I should add? Is this something I should add to the first chapter? Can you also please respond to the post above it? Thanks!

"No. No. No. No. No! It can't be! She said…" My dad shook his head vigorously; disbelief and undeniable grief overtook him like he believed that his life would shatter into a million pieces. I knew the feeling. Discovering who you are, but simultaneously realizing that that person is not the person the world thinks that you are or the person you wanted to be.

"It's your problem now," Alex said, and in an instant, she was gone in a puff of smoke.

"Ben, what happened?" my mom asked.

"He's got magic now. That's what happened," Tina explained.

"That's not possible," my dad replied.

"Yes, it is. Spells like the one your mom used always come with some kind of disclaimer." Tina countered.

"Dad, I know this isn't the right time, but I think Alex has a daughter,"

"What makes you believe that?" my dad asked.

"As she was teleporting out of here, Alex was thinking about someone. Her name's Alya, and I think they live in the city," I explained.

"Are you sure this is the right house?" my dad asked.

"Ya, I'm sure," I responded. My dad knocked on the door.

“Well, well, well. Who do we have here? The Queen of the Fairies, an ex-felon, her daughter, her children… Oh…" Alya said, looking at each of us, but not before resting her gaze on my dad and adding, "Nice to meet you, brother.”

I don't know what kind of girl I had envisioned Alya to be, but she certainly looked nothing like her mother. She was short, with long blond hair and blue eyes, and wore a bubblegum pink sweatshirt and black legging. I got the tiniest suspicion that she was hiding something. Like she wanted desperately to share the secret, and as a result, she tried really hard to show off.

"You know who we are!" my dad gaped.

"Don't act so surprised, Ben. Samantha, Ally, and Tina are among the most famous women in the city, not to mention mother has tried to kill them on several occasions," Alya teased.

"And Amelia?" he asked.

"Firstly, she looks just like you. Secondly, she practically screams 'fairy.' I don't understand how it took you and Tina, for that matter, this long to realize it." Alya grinned.

"Does anyone know who you are - what you are? Who your mother is?" my dad asked.

“Ironic, coming from you. One could ask the same of you,” Alya smirked. “Some people in the neighborhood know that there’s a couple of fairies living here and mother tries not to show her face in public. As for me, I am fortunate enough not to look like my mother. I believe we both lucked out in that department.” Alya looked directly at my dad as she said, “After all, you’ve managed to live twenty-eight years on this planet without the public finding out who you are. I mean, you pursued a relationship with the most well-known woman in the city, resulting in a sticky situation named Amelia Miller. Do you honestly expect to keep that a secret much longer?”

“No, I don’t. Plus, Amelia deserves a chance at life among her own, even if they choose to hate me. To quote her. She already lives with the legacy of one hated woman; she can live with another. I always hoped that people could see that we are only responsible for our actions and not those who were committed by others,” my dad explained.

“Wow, you’re seriously going to tell them the whole truth. I thought you wouldn’t let mother have that kind of satisfaction. After all, hasn’t she tried to force you to do it since before I was born.” I knew that Alex had tried to kill my mom and Samantha several times, but I had never heard stories of Alex trying to force my dad to tell everyone the truth. I would learn later that my dad had only chosen to tell my mom and her family who he was after my mom was pregnant with me.

"Alex enjoys my misery. Why do you care if the world hates me?"

The more Alya talked, the more I noticed that there was a familiar aura about her. Something that we shared; that I have only felt in a few people, and it wasn't that we were both fairies.

"Your not just a fairy, are you? You're like me. How long?" I asked her.

"I don't know what you're talking about!" she responded in a tone that suggested she knew what I was talking about. There was a puzzled expression on my dad's face. Slowly but surely, he put the pieces together.

"Don't lie to us, Alya. How did Alex react? How have you managed to keep it a secret? Why keep it a secret in the first place?" my dad asked.

First off, I am so sorry I couldn't respond to the last three posts, and I apologize for replying so late.

Tati, for your first question, I think it would be a good idea to add it before the first paragraph. It gives it a sense of mystery. Or, you could add it after this paragraph, as it would make a bit more sense:

"You just found out she's a fairy, and you're worrying yourself with the thought that I'd hurt her. You've been living here for two months, Ben. How many times have you reminded yourself that if I wished harm or death upon your daughter, you'd know it already? She is not her mother, but she still suffers the same torments. What will happen when the truth about her is revealed? I suspect every damn thing you've tried to prevent from happening will happen. You will be lucky if the world doesn't put bounties on your heads," Alex said. There was no kindness in her voice. It was clear to me at that moment that I was the only person present who did not know the truth she spoke of. I knew my father was raised by fairies, but that was not entirely what she was referring to. It was a small part of a much larger secret: one that would threaten to crumble my family if we let it.

Your second chapter is great! But there is one adjustment I think you should make.

"Ya, I'm sure," I responded. My dad knocked on the door.

This seems like a pretty serious moment, so I don't think Amelia, who just discovered all this in a moment, would reply as casually as she did. Maybe replace the "ya" with a "yeah".

Again, I apologize for the late reply.
I hope this helped!

I agree. Putting the paragraph there makes a lot of sense. Thanks.

You're welcome

You're welcome

I added the following paragraphs. What do you think? Can you give me some ideas as to how to go from there (Chapter 2)? I'm kinda stuck.

"Why keep it a secret in the first place?" Alya scoffed. "Oh, maybe because the only examples of people like me are standing right here! They're the first and only examples of people like them. So, first the past two years, I've been shoving it down because frankly, I didn't have any other choice."

"Whose idea was it? Yours?" my dad asked.

"No, not mine."

"Of course, it was Alex's idea! Who am I kidding? She's the same woman who singlehandedly caused the genocide of thousands of fairies like yourself. Who cares if you would have been better off trained! She only cares about saving her own hide!" my dad said hysterically.

"It was our only choice, Ben! Either that or risk exposure. Do you blame her?" Alya yelled.

"No," my mom said before my dad had a chance to respond. "She… probably didn't know what happens when you shove it down. How could she? There's a reason why I've had to prove that I was a better person than Samantha, and it had nothing to do with me. Samantha's example of what can happen if someone loses control. You do things you may regret,"

"You know, Alya, we can help you," Samantha said.

"Why would any of you help me? My mother has tried to kill you. All of you." Alya asked.

"Because not every kid is like their parents," Samantha said, glancing between my mom and dad. My parents are prime examples. My mom has fought every day since she was eight years old to prove that she's a better person than her mother. And, if not for my dad, my mom would have been dead a dozen times over at Alex's hand.

"Alya, you may not have guessed it, but if not for everything Ally has proven over the years, I wouldn't be standing here, and Ben would be rotting in prison for no reason. Your mother may have killed my parents, but you are not your mother," Tina added.

Hi, it's been 3 days, can you give me some ideas about where to go from what I have written? Could you also, maybe answer my previous post, thanks. Not trying to be annoying.

I think that your paragraph is a good way to continue on.
From there, they could start figuring out a plan to help Alya, if she accepts it.