forum Critique these journal entries
Started by @SupernaturalSyGuyIsTIred group

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@SupernaturalSyGuyIsTIred group

Today I have laid my eyes upon quite a beauty. Her hair was long and brown with a tinge of red. I sadly was not able to see the entirety of what she looks like. I have been told that she is not of noble blood, but she still made my heart quake with something that I have not felt for any other outside of my family. I must find a way to meet her.

Today is the day; my family is taking a trip to see the inner workings of the Tenebris kingdom! I am so excited that I cannot sleep, no matter how hard I try. I have heard rumors that the prince is very handsome. I hope that I can lay my gaze upon him, or get him to notice me. I have packed the finest clothing that I own, along with beauty enhancements.


Well, from just these entries the first thing I notice is that they both are very appearance based, so wither have a good reason for that or , um have a good reason for that. Also as someone who keeps a journal, proper sentences are not used frequently. depending on what time of day this was written and the circumstances in which is was written the vocabulary and sentence structure would probably change.
For example if they are night journals they're probably tired and words just wont form properly so everything will seem just a bit off. and think of little words they might use instead of the actual word. I live in constant fear of my journal being discovered so I'll replace peoples names as objects I associate with them, like one person is Tea scone or page boy. And another is Sunshine, and I always write my nephew as Lovey. Journals are usually for the authors eye's only so nicknames and unfamiliar words would be used. words that they wouldn't necessarily say would be in there because they think them.
I know some people start their journals with a "Today…." But I rarely do and those I know who journal have commented to me that this isn't really a thing they do. I'll just jump into things like I'm talking to my bestie and I've got tea.
The way a character journals will tell you a lot about them because it's for the characters eye's only so the way you write should be well thought out and unique from what you would write for a different character.

@SupernaturalSyGuyIsTIred group

I dreamed about the girl last night. She was always just out of sight, and I was imagining what she looked like.

My parents have received word from one of the King’s pages that we are to be introduced to the kingdom by the prince himself! I am going to make sure that I am wearing the best dress that I have, and have my hair done up in an elegant fashion.

@FanfictionFanatic group

Ok. Fair warning, I'm not much of a critical reader but… the first two; I have to agree with Relsey. The first two entries are similar in style though I imagine it's hard to write as someone else… I personally have a hard time with it when I have two characters with different backgrounds. But I don't know enough about your characters here yet to know if that's the case… Even though they both seem to be in the same upper class.

The second set does give me a little more idea about their personalities and what they expect. It kind of feels like a quick little jot of an entry before having to go somewhere. Though, as a female, I have a hard time believing that DEBILIS RENIDENT would describe her outfit and hairstyle that way in a journal. If you're writing a journal, it's more for just you to read so you would write it more in a way you’d remember. So maybe instead of saying;

I am going to make sure that I am wearing the best dress that I have, and have my hair done up in an elegant fashion.

May try;

I’m going to have to make sure I look my best today. Perhaps I’ll wear that gorgeous red dress with the gold inlays and I‘ll have to something special with my hair too. I was thinking of some kind of updo… I’ll write more later. I have to get ready!

@SupernaturalSyGuyIsTIred group

(Their personalities should come out more. At this point I was honestly just starting to develop them…. I might take what you wrote for the clothing portion, tweak it a bit, and put that in there instead if that's okay.)

@SupernaturalSyGuyIsTIred group

Journal of Stark Tenebris Entry #3
I have talked to my father, and he has given me the responsibility to be the guide of a family. He told me that the last name of the family that I am to guide into the workings of the kingdom is Renident.

Journal of Debilis Renident Entry #3
Prince Stark has told me about the Tenebris family crest today. He told me that it is a golden crowned eagle flanked by two silver lions that rest on a background of green, purple, and blue. He went on to tell me what everything on his family’s crest means.

  • Crown: Undying courage; valiant warrior
  • Eagle: High intellect, reputation, quick comprehension, and ingenuity.
  • Lion: Valiant warrior; undying courage
  • Purple: Majesty, justice and sovereignty
  • Blue: Steadfastness, strength and loyalty
  • Green: Health, beauty, joy, hope, and freedom
  • Gold: Virtue, generosity, respect, and understanding
  • Silver: Innocence, cleanliness, wisdom, peace and joy

@SupernaturalSyGuyIsTIred group

Journal of Stark Tenebris Entry #5
I have asked my father for permission to start a romantic partnership with Debilis, and after a heated argument, my mother had talked him into allowing me to court Debilis. Now I am to ask her father if it would be alright. I have no reason to see why he would say no, for I am a prince after all!

Journal of Debilis Renident Entry #5
Prince Stark stopped by today to talk to my parents in private. I sat outside of the room that they were in. and was greatly surprised when Stark had asked my father if he could court me. My joy was increased tenfold when my father accepted.

Journal of Stark Tenebris #6
[Two years later] I have decided that Debilis should be my wife. I’ve asked Mr. and Mrs. Renident if I could have their daughter as my wife, and they have accepted. Obviously, I talked to my own father about this beforehand; he too accepted, and gave me his blessing. This would be the first time that noble blood would be marrying the blood of someone like Debilis.

Journal of Debilis Renident #6
[Two years later] I went out on a very romantic date with Stark last night….. He took me out on a boat to the center of a lake, where we had dinner. He revealed to me that he knew how to use magic. He then had me close my eyes, and he turned me around. When I opened my eyes I was amazed to see that some of the stars were rearranged to spell out a sentence…. ‘Will you marry me?’ I turned back to face Stark to find him on a single knee, holding a magnificent ring out to me. I was so happy that I at first could not speak, and then I finally agreed to becoming his bride!

@FanfictionFanatic group

Erm… Ok, so you can tell a great story… But, again, about Debilis’s last entry, it doesn't seem like it was really written from her perspective. The first half of it is fine, but it doesn't have the right tone. If this was written after the date, it's more likely that she would start with the big news first then go into how it happened. Probably mentioning how she can't believe that this happened and how lucky/honored she is that he even wanted to ask her to be his wife.

@SupernaturalSyGuyIsTIred group

Journal of Stark Tenebris #7
I have already got the ring for the engagement from my grandmother, and have also planned out how I am to propose to Debilis.

Journal of Debilis Renident #7
The King and Queen have announced that there will be a royal ball, and Stark has invited me and my family.

Journal of Stark Tenebris #8
Debilis accepted to marry me! I have asked my parents if we could have a ball, at which I plan to personally announce my engagement. They do not know that she said yes, but they think that a ball would be wonderful, for we are having some of the Forest Elves as guests.

Journal of Debilis Renident #8
The ball was amazing! I had such a wonderful time as I danced with Stark. The Forest Elves gave an impressive presentation of one of their dances, and wore such very elegant garments. After Stark and I gave news of our engagement Daneris, an elf, offered to make a dress for me to wear in the wedding. I sadly had to respectfully decline her offer, for it is a tradition in my family to wear the dress that the bride's grandmother got married in. However, my mother has given me permission to allow Daneris to alter the dress, so we are sending one of the pages to fetch the dress and give it to her. She took my measurements when she got me alone.

@SupernaturalSyGuyIsTIred group

Journal of Stark Tenebris #9
The ball was today. I was introduced to three elves during the ball; Daneris, Urchin, and Tritain (they are only teens, just like Debilis and me). Daneris seems like a lovely person, and so does Urchin. I could sense that they would become very great friends of mine. As for Tritain, she was pleasant when I talked to her, but I saw something dark and malicious in her gaze. I will have inquiries about her for my parents at some point in the near future, but I must be careful.

Debilis’ parents, the guests of the ball, and my parents as well were astounded when I and Debilis announced our engagement. We were given many blessings by the guests, including that of the Forest Elves. I also revealed that there will be an engagement party in a month.

Journal of Debilis Renident #9
I and Stark had our engagement party today, and I love the gifts that were given to us. Tritain gave us and the other guests a display of her fighting skills; she frightens me.

Journal of Stark Tenebris #10
Today was the engagement party. Debilis looked stunning in the dress that my mother gave her! Daneris and Urchin gave us a wonderful gift; an Elvish mirror that would allow the user to view those that the user named while in front of it. Tritain gave flowers to us that would never wilt, and would fill the room with the smell that the person smelling them liked the most.

Journal of Debilis Renident #10
[Four months later]
Stark and I got married today, but our reception was crashed by a band of renegades. Stark had to go fight them right away; luckily he was wearing all of his armor. A few of them had tried to attack me, but Daneris and Urchin happened to take them down before they could get to me. Daneris flew with me to safety. I found out later that my father was killed in battle by one of the renegades.

@FanfictionFanatic group

Ohhhh… the plot thickens. Very interesting.

Debilis’s “9th” entry is very short but I’m sure that it has an important detail to the story. And her “10th” entry… very sad at the end. Unfortunately, I don't know how I would write an entry about something that is simultaneously the best and worst day of someone’s life…

@SupernaturalSyGuyIsTIred group

Journal of Stark Tenebris #11
[Four months later]
Tonight was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life. What went wrong? Where did they come from? My wedding reception was interrupted by renegades. They came swiftly; killed the guards, and somehow got to my parents. Our knights managed to drive them off. Right now my parents’ advisors are acting as the rulers over the kingdom. This is wrong! They should be coming to me to ask me what to do; am I not my father’s son? My parents lie wounded in the infirmary, and most of the guests are dead. I am thankful that Debilis is safe! I will find out who was responsible for this! I am thankful that Debilis is safe! I am also crying for her own loss, for she lost her father during the battle.

Journal of Debils Renident #11
[A week later]
My heart weeps for Stark tonight. The people that I was going to call my mother and father in-law are dead. Daneris has told me that she, along with assistance from Urchin, will try to find out who is responsible for this act of war. As for me; I fear that there may be a traitor among us. I have expressed these fears to Stark.

Journal of Stark Tenebris #12
Note: The story that this goes along with was supposed to be a very loose LoTR fanfic. I'm going to change some things when and if I ever get around to it.
[A week later]
My mother and father are dead; they went into the void last night after fighting through their pain. My father gave me one last order on his deathbed; find out who did this. By Gandalf’s [place holder] beard, I shall!

Journal of Debilis Renident #12
My beloved husband and I are now King and Queen. I have secretly asked one of the knights, Ardin, to round up the other knights on her behalf.

(I think that their personalities are starting to show more.)

@FanfictionFanatic group

Umm… Well, I have to agree that their personalities are coming out more in these entries. And the story continues to grow in intrigue.

Plus, I love LotR!!!! It does kind of help picture the setting of the story a little better.

@SupernaturalSyGuyIsTIred group

I would love to do something along the same plot idea that was being used for the story that the journals go along with and make it my own. The thing is that the story was a collaboration with a friend; we got 42 chapters in and stopped without actually finishing it.

Journal of Stark Tenebris #13
The wills of my parents were read today. They have left a small fortune to the residents of the kingdom, and have given a small portion of land to Daneris and Urchin. They were amazed by this gift from my parents, but accepted it. My father left his sword to me, and my mother has given Debilis her jewelry.

Journal of Debilis Renident #13
I am not happy with Stark right now, for he is torturing one of his men to get him to admit what he allegedly done. While I see that this is necessary, I do not agree to this cruelty!

Journal of Stark Tenebris #14
The coronation took place today, and was finished a few hours ago. My first act as King was to order an investigation. One of my knights, Ardis, had asked me what to do. I told him to question all of the surviving guests, and to travel to the surrounding kingdoms to see if anyone had heard anything. He left right away. Another knight, one that my father had knighted himself and trusted, Ardin, has taken it upon herself to round up the other knights. I have ordered her to bring them to me one by one. However, I shall start with her.

Journal of Debilis Renident #14
Stark has told me that Ardis was indeed a traitor. I now truly understand why cruelty is sometimes a necessary act!

@FanfictionFanatic group

Dude, I say go ahead and write it. It doesn't have to be the exact same but if you want to do something with the basics of the plot, go for it! 42 chapters is VERY impressive!

Ok… A little confused about the torture. I get Stark wants information but it seems like… Was torture his first choice or was there something else?

And how did he know so quickly (or it just seems quick to me) that his knight was the traitor? And if he knew, why did he send that same knight on that mission?

(You can see I don't know much about ruling a kingdom or strategy.)