forum Your Personal Venting Space 3: Tokyo Drift

Started June 28, 2020 by @The-N-U-T-Cracker

tune

Apparently, I have a pinched nerve on my fingertip which really sucks because I have a paper due and it is my ring-finger on my left hand which is the main finger when I type or do almost anything else (I know it is a weird finger to use, trust me, people tell me a lot) but it feels weird to functions without it.

Well, I was having a good day until things happened and then RSD decided to rear its ugly head. But I'm going over to my friend's house for a section party tomorrow which will either be really fun or horribly draining.

a lot is happening right now. tw for uh death s/h suicide idk it's just a lot there's just a lot

y'know, okay. semi-related to my giant spoiler-tagged rant above. i just miss feeling like the world was bigger than me and i could get lost in it. i miss having the knowledge that i could go to a concert or a party whenever i wanted or get another foodservice job to pay the bills without having to worry about contracting a hyper-contagious respiratory virus or take a random bus trip downtown or to the north shore. i hate feeling like it's just me, my apartment, 4 of my friends, and the park. i am a Creature of Variety~ and i just feel so cooped up and uninspired whereas this time last year i felt like i was on the precipice of something wonderful (and i was). the void in my soul that just longs and longs and longs is growing exponentially like it hasn't done in years. i miss feeling like i was a part of a whole and like there were things i could melt into and disappear in. i miss big crowds!!! i went to a couple protests but i can't go anymore because my partner has asthma and infection rates are high here right now. i just feel so restless and trapped

I don't have any advice, but you have my sympathies. Hang in there, we all know it gets better at some point.

This is really stupid but I did a high kick today and my foot went numb and now my leg hurts, should I be concerned?

This is really stupid but I did a high kick today and my foot went numb and now my leg hurts, should I be concerned?

be cautious with it, i did that with my arm one time and it turned out i pulled the muscle

Hi Lotte, You amaze me, let me explain.
I am a young stupid teen who lives in a small middle of nowhere town, I've never gone somewhere by myself. I've never had to provide for my self, I haven't had to make major life choices. Those things, they terrify me. In reality I'm a bit of a hypocrite. I'm terrified of being trapped but leaving the cage seems just as scary. You've done that, you left home, you went off to collage, you've had to figure things out on your own, from the sound of it you've had to provide for yourself. I don't know if you consider that an accomplishment, but I do. I think you're strong in way's I will never be. That's ok, I will be strong in way's you will be weak, and it's alright to have those weaknesses. It's Alright to feel scared, It's alright to be human. Being afraid isn't bad, weaknesses aren't bad, They are weaknesses, and that's that. Right now you seem unsure, you seem afraid of being stuck and trapped, it's ok to feel that way, you are not a lesser person because you morn lost experiences.
As for having to come home, I have five sisters who came back home after being out in the world, each one for a different reason and all of them reacted differently, I'm just going to assign them numbers. 1 reacted to being home by forgetting how to be her own person, she stopped being herself.
2 reacted to being home by trying to be in control of every situation she could, watching her try and control a toddler is both amusing and sad. She wont except advice or criticisms on how she lives her life. She has no Idea of how to move forward so she's decided to just not move forward.
3 reacted by becoming angry at the world and at our parents. She Hates feeling dependent on them, she wishes so much to leave that she ends up hurting a lot of people.
4 came home and reacted by deciding that this wasn't going to be her end, she was going to get out of this. She has a job while raising a toddler, while going to collage. She reacted by deciding to use where she was as a boost to go further.
5 reacted by falling back into old routines and rolls.
I tell you this to show you that the circumstances of your return home set aside you have control over how you act when you get home. Remember you are an adult, your parents are still your parents but they are no longer in charge of you, you are responsible for you. Each of my siblings acted a different way when they came home and the only ones who made it out happily, where ones that made it clear that this was a temporary stepping stone. They made it clear to my parents that they are in charge of themselves and they are not children. Lotte you are an adult, you are in charge of yourself, your parents help you, they have helped you, but they are not in charge of you.

thank you rels, you’ve offered me a perspective i often fail to consider, or just forget to consider. when i was home this spring, i told myself i would do whatever it took to live away from home in the summer, and that did mean providing for myself, so my mom was convinced i would run out of money or get into a lot of trouble somehow. i’m leaving in only a little over a week, and though things are tight, i’m surviving, so if nothing else, she can’t doubt my ability to sustain myself anymore, and it’s only a month. honestly, that should be freeing for her too, not just me, because now she can worry less. things are gonna be okay i just need to maintain my sense of self without my usual surroundings and really, i’ve been doing that to some degree this whole pandemic

i’m bad at helping people so
hug
<3<3<3

<3 hugs

Ayyy I love not being able to understand things until they're meticulously explained to me in exactly the right way and I love how that and my inability to decide what's relevant and think ahead to what will be relevant to what I'm saying in like twenty seconds combine to make me over explain everything and repeat myself a dozen times. And I love how if I actually do have adhd, my entire personality except "bitch" isn't actually my personality it's just a bunch of symptoms, and it'll just leave a hollow shell of rage

i want to cry
every attempt, every possible way I’ve found to try and fix myself, to give me some sort of hope that everything will be okay and I don’t have to go, it always fails-
I’ve tried everything, from knives, glue, and fabric to nearly stitching up my own skin, but nothing ever works.
this world clearly just wants me dead.
I have no hope left. I tell myself the same story every night, how everything could magically turn out ok, but the more I hear it the less truthful it gets.
There’s not a chance in hell I’ll make it out alive…

I hate venting here cause it’s always the same exact shit- I never seem to change, and I’m sure everyone’s tired of it - but I’m scared if I don’t say something I’ll end up trying to vent through more violent forms, which would not be good, and I know you guys don’t want that either
y’all don’t have to respond to me if it gets too repetitive, I just need a place to scream

Go to sleep. Muffin.

_{(I keep mentally calling ya'll Lovey because that's what I call my younger siblings and friends so if I slip and call any of ya'll Lovey that's why)}

Ella, Number one, Dom is right, sleep is the best answer.
Things wont ever get better over night, your right that story you are telling your self isn't true. Things don't just get better. Ella feeling ok is a war, you are going to loose battles and you are going to win them, but it is a war that you will be fighting for a long time, maybe even your whole life. It's hard to loose so many battles in a row and be miserable day after day after miserable day. It's difficult to be happy, any one who says other wise is selling something. But just like you are not in life alone, you are not fighting this war alone, you have people around you ready to charge into battle with you. Wining a battle is a great feeling, and when it happens over and over again it can be hard to remember that you have to work at being happy so you stop working so hard at it and then before you know it you are loosing that battle again. I know that feeling Ella, I've been there, we all have been there, it sucks, But if you keep on going and working, it will get better. Don't you quit Ella.

My comprehension abilities have gone way down recently and I don't know why but I'm really annoyed

I feel.

I'm very frustrated with someone who continually manipulates me and hurts me and makes me feel like garbage when I don't fall for it. I'm so tired.

i want to cry
every attempt, every possible way I’ve found to try and fix myself, to give me some sort of hope that everything will be okay and I don’t have to go, it always fails-
I’ve tried everything, from knives, glue, and fabric to nearly stitching up my own skin, but nothing ever works.
this world clearly just wants me dead.
I have no hope left. I tell myself the same story every night, how everything could magically turn out ok, but the more I hear it the less truthful it gets.
There’s not a chance in hell I’ll make it out alive…

I hate venting here cause it’s always the same exact shit- I never seem to change, and I’m sure everyone’s tired of it - but I’m scared if I don’t say something I’ll end up trying to vent through more violent forms, which would not be good, and I know you guys don’t want that either
y’all don’t have to respond to me if it gets too repetitive, I just need a place to scream

You deserve to have a space to vent and it's good you do instead of hurting yourself, but also, you're worth it. The world doesn't want you dead, things are darkest before the dawn. Everything will turn out okay. It just has to get better.

a lot is happening right now. tw for uh death s/h suicide idk it's just a lot there's just a lot

Spoiler - click to show.

so first of all. my grandma might have/probably has pancreatic cancer. that will probably be a death sentence for her, given that she's nearing 80 and is in generally poor shape anyway. i'm able to make peace with that, because she's very old and very frail and i'm 20 and all my grandparents are still alive so i figured someone would go soon and she's very religious so she's made peace with her god. it's sad, but she's lived a long life. but what gets me a lot is less that "i will lose my grandma" and more that "my mom will lose her mom," because it makes me feel like i have to confront the fact that someday i'll lose my mom and despite our tumultuous relationship i really truly love my mom, and now i live away from home almost all of the time so this is it, my parents are adults and i'm for all intents and purposes an adult and this is the phase of my life in which i'll lose them. that fucks me up so much. and yet…

Spoiler - click to show.

i will probably have to be home for virtually the whole month of august and that's also fucking me up. i'm living in an on-campus apt in the fall and my university did a poor job at communicating move-in dates (as universities are wont to do right now) so i signed the end of my sublease this summer as weeks earlier than i should have because my school said the semester was starting early. and now i have to move out august 2nd and i don't have any place to move back into until the last week of august (and i still don't know exactly when!). it's hitting me now that i am going to be home from AUGUST 2ND until august 20-something at best, august 31st at worst, and that's too long. as much as i love my parents, being around them for too long not only whittles away at whatever relationship we've built in the years since i started recovering but also, whittles away at my recovery and TANKS my mental health. i'm literally fucking terrified i don't think i can handle a month at home i feel sick just thinking about it. there's a reason i made the dumbass decision of spending $2000 worth of my grant money on living expenses in pittsburgh for the summer because I CANNOT BE AT HOME WITH MY FAMILY FOR MORE THAN A COUPLE WEEKS AT A TIME WITHOUT WANTING TO DIE and it's not even like looking forward to the school year can tie me over like it did when i was stuck at home last summer because who knows what the school year is going to look like??? it's not like i'll be able to participate in extracurriculars as much, it's not like there'll be a bunch of fun o-week parties like there usually are, so many of my friends are graduating and moving away at the end of the summer so i'll lose all of them and i might not be here to say goodbye, what is there to look forward to??? truly??? and it's not like this country is gonna get it's shit together anytime soon so right now it feels like my last two years of college, which would have been and should have been and briefly was the best time of my life, is just lost. it's lost! because people are selfish dicks who don't comprehend delayed gratification!!! the longer you act like things are normal the longer it's going to take for things to actually be normal!! and that brings me to another point!!….

Spoiler - click to show.

everything is fucking awful and i can't do anything about it!!! not to sound like a pretentious head-in-the-clouds writer douchebag but i can't control the world like i can control the worlds in my head and every time i'm thrust away from my escapism thaaat just HITS ME! all at once! i use my platform in the ways that i can but i don't HAVE a platform, i have maybe 2500 people who follow me altogether on social media, less that actually pay attention to what i post, i just simply do not have the capacity to change things and i just simply can't be happy until things change!! i feel trapped, i feel like i'm living in a dystopia, i want to kill myself but i don't have the motivation, i don't have the motivation to do anything but talk/write about my ocs and not even my actual story, just random useless extra-canon shit about my ocs. i'm fucking falling apart here ugh i can't even cut myself because i can't afford razor blades because my landlord dicked me over with the utilities by increasing my rate without telling me. i feel pathetic and powerless and stupid and exhausted and i just want to enter a nice long coma until this covid shit is over and best of all, i'm so completely overreacting right now!! and i know it!!!! but i can't stop!

I agree with Relsey, you are brave in a way that I'm very scared to be. You love your mom even though she's hurt you, that's very mature on its own. I kind of hate my parents sometimes, especially my dad, but I still want to be at home because I'm scared not to be. You clearly have love for your parents, and yet you're independent and brave enough to know you need to be away from home and to WANT to leave. I'm so scared of going to college next year and I'm probably going to still be living at home, and even when I fantasize about going far away, I know I can't do it. You've gone, well I don't know how far away, but clearly away, and you want to stay away. I can only hope to one day have the guts to that.

I'm very frustrated with someone who continually manipulates me and hurts me and makes me feel like garbage when I don't fall for it. I'm so tired.

I don't know if you can cut this person out of your life or not, but you definitely should, especially since its a toxic relationship…. If it is someone that you can't cut out of your life at this time, I want to suggest that you write them a letter (you don't have to give it to them). Simply writing out all the reasons why you're frustrated with them can be extremely beneficial.

this is weird-
today is a surprisingly good day?!

this is weird-
today is a surprisingly good day?!

Everyday should be a good day

Just realized all my emotions other than sadness are manufactured. Shocked and upset.

every time i stumble upon the orange by wendy cope it makes me burst into tears. why am i like this

Well I spent four hours with people and it wasn't horrible. But now I'm kinda sad and I don't know why

every time i stumble upon the orange by wendy cope it makes me burst into tears. why am i like this

I hid an orange. It got found. :(

i just surprised my grandparents with their commissioned dog portrait and they started crying and i started crying and man those months of work were so worth it-

I am glad you felt joy.

every time i stumble upon the orange by wendy cope it makes me burst into tears. why am i like this

I hid an orange. It got found. :(

:(