Pay It Forward with Character Critiques!
Started March 16, 2022 by @threesacult

Thank you so much for the feedback on Jack, @sortaslightlysentient and @MJ-the-Larcenist-Arsonist! You pointed out some things that I didn't even think about when fleshing out his character and I'll definitely be incorporating your suggestions :)

be less vague!! how is science a hobby?

Thank you for pointing this out! I put that in as a placeholder while researching Victorian science and medicine to try and gain a better understanding of it, and I completely forgot to actually use said research in his profile lmao

he's a coward, but this kind of contradicts some of his personality traits.

With his personality, you mentioned earlier that he's a bit of a coward but he's also extremely competitive. To what point does his competitiveness stretch? How long does it take for that "flight" instinct to kick in when faced with a challenge?

And with Jack's anger, you said that he snaps? How exactly does he snap?

I think I basically called Jack a coward and then completely neglected to elaborate on how he expresses said cowardice, despite fear being one of his main motivations lmao. He very much has a "fight" reponse when it comes to fight/flight/freeze, which doesn't feel like the response of a cowardly person, but the cowardice aspect sort of comes in because of how obsessed he is with protecting himself (whether that be literally, physically protecting himself or just protecting his ego), even when there's no real threat to him. He's also cowardly in the sense that he will absolutely always save his own skin rather than trying to help other people (excepting his husband). So his competitiveness is actually fed by fear! I'll be adding all this to his profile instead of just rambling on here lol but I hope that sort of makes sense! I'll also add onto the way he expresses anger, thanks for showing me the vagueness there.

Does The Void ever get the better of his emotions?

It doesn't directly interfere with his emotions, but it definitely contributes to his fear/stress a lot of the time. I'll clarify that somewhere in his profile :)

Is his family at all relevant to the story? Did they have a hand in his morbid curiosity? Was he neglected or nurtured?

You mentioned that he and Emmett are married! Yay these bitches gay good for them! How did they meet? Who proposed? I just kinda want more relationship details!

I've completely neglected Jack's family background because it doesn't ever come up in the story, but I agree that it's important anyway and could help inform his character. Describing the relationships between characters in words is something I definitely struggle with across the board. I'll definitely be adding something about his relationship with other characters, especially the relationship between him and his husband, in the future!

thank u for introducing me to refsheet tho. it's awesome

Of course! It's very fun getting to customize character profiles on there with color schemes and that sort of thing :)

Again, thank you both for taking a look at my character!

@threesacult

You’re good, and thank you again. You’ve actually helped me figure out things that I didn’t even realize I missed. Big grin.

I'm glad, thanks for letting me take a look at your character!

Also, a reminder to the next person to join the thread that the next character to be critiqued is @Rover3672's Pike since the link got a little buried in the thread lol

@sortaslightlysentient

let me know if i can't do this again and ill take it down. i just found it so useful last time!!

anywayssss @Rover3672 :

why did she dye her hair?
how did she get the scars on her knuckles?
mannerisms are really good!! i like that you've included it for all her emotions
her motivations are a liiiiiitle vague?? why do they motivate her?
in her fears, what does 'persona' mean?
history is SUPER detailed !! kudos, man
what type of witch is she? like, wicca, supernatural, pagan? it can mean so many different things lol
WOW!! the level detail about her relationships is insane. seriously.
i love the ear piercing anecdote

overall, super good and really well rounded. she sounds great and you've gone into so much detail. maybe just explain a few more things in the earlier segments?? <3

if whoever could go next could have a look at adelaide? if i've gone too many times, let me know and i'll take it straight down!!

@threesacult

(You're all good @sortaslightlysentient! As long as people are letting other people have a chance to join and aren't critiquing every time, they're welcome to go as many times as they'd like :) )

@sortaslightlysentient

(@threesacult ahhh okay thank you :)) i'll disappear for a bit after this one i promise!!)

@threesacult

(No worries, I'm glad you're finding the thread helpful)

@ninja_violinist

@sortaslightlysentient ooooh I love Adelaide!!! I think you've set her up to be a really interesting character!!

solid physical description!! enjoy the level of detail that's specific to her and sets her apart as a character!
I notice there's a bit of tension in the description of her personality - she's described both as sincere and insincere, as genuine and fake - but I think that you've described it well enough that it's a tension and not an inconsistency, if that makes sense? If I'm understanding it right, it sounds like she's genuinely kind and sincerely wants to help people, but because of her insecurity she ends up acting differently around different people in her desperate desire to be liked. really love the level of nuance here!!
minor grammar nitpick, but is it meant to say "husband of eight years?
very interesting that her prior motivations have been shattered by circumstance and she's left to pick up the pieces and wonder what (or who) she's living for now 👀
very developed set of relationships and backstory!! you really get the sense that she's an established character with her own past etc rather than a floating set of personality traits which is excellent.

I think this is really well-developed already!! not many questions left for me to ask, but here are a few if they're useful to you

does she have a social network of friends, or maybe colleagues at work that might come into play? as an English teacher, I imagine she'd have some kind of working relationships with colleagues and students who might feel a certain way about her being accused of murder. this isn't necessary at all especially if it doesn't affect the plot, but it might be interesting to think about.
just in general it may or may not be helpful to consider some of the social consequences of this murder accusation - as someone desperate to be liked, how does she feel about her friends knowing she was accused of something like that? are any of them still in touch with her? how would she interact with them? does she care about her reputation?
what does she think about herself and how much does it match what other people think of her/what she's really like?

if anyone is so inclined, I'd love an opinion on Yhioma who's a relatively new character for me!

@larcenistarsonist

March 18, 2022

@MJ-the-Larcenist-Arsonist sorry it took a while for me to get to them, but here are my thoughts on Abel!

Right of the bat, including name etymology and meaning is very cool! I always like seeing what character names mean.

Thank you! Name etymology isn't something I really base my characters on, but I always like seeing what the names of my characters mean.

Very detailed descriptions in their Looks section! I feel like I gained a very clear mental image of him from it. Having a "General Description" box or something of the sort at the top of the page might help tie all the individual details together, but otherwise, this part looks great!

For the Personality section, diving into their mental illness more rather than simply saying that they are insane or deranged as an explanation for their behavior would be good. Disorders are never a determining factor in morality, so add more explanation as to why they are evil! Research is always very important when writing characters with personality disorders or mental illnesses to avoid stereotyping—I don't think you have necessary stereotyped, just be wary of falling into the pit that many writers fall into when creating "deranged" villains. As long as you look into what disorders Abel actually has a little more, you should be good. Finding articles written by people who actually live with the disorder are the best for this, especially if they're looking at it from a writer's standpoint :)

Okay!!! I edited their personality, medical, and history to make a lot more things line up! I was in a rush the last time I was editing Abel's profile, so I think I accidentally but "sociopathic" instead of "psychopathic" so that's my bad a;ldksfjal It's fixed now though and I did a crap ton of research last night to further my knowledge on psychopathy!

I like how you included different mannerisms for different emotions. It'd be cool to see more about what situations, but this section looks good.

It was super cool to see a description of their fighting style in the Mannerisms 2 section!

Thank you! I pride myself on my detailed mannerisms sections.

I think it'd actually be interesting to have a list of all the languages they speak! Very nice descriptions of their voice in the Voice section too.

Languages added! Also thanks f;laksjdf;l

I like their water vapor-based powers, nothing to critique there :)

You mention in the Medical section that he's been diagnosed with sociopathic tendencies, but sociopathy seems to somewhat contradict the traits you described in his Nature section. I'm not an expert, though, so I again will just suggest researching sociopathy and other disorders they may have.

His relationships in the Family and People sections are descriped very well! Are there any exceptions to his disregard for human life? That might be helpful to mention here.

Completely unrelated to the critique, but I love your art style!!

Thank youuu!!!! (like I said before I have edited the medical stuff a;lskdfja;l)

Overall, Abel has a very thorough profile and you're incredibly good at writing descriptions! My biggest suggestion would be to flesh out his Nature section more, but other than that it's just some minor nitpicks. Sorry I didn't have a bullet point for every section—all the ones I skipped in my critique were pretty solid and I didn't have anything to really add to them. I had a lot of fun reading their profile and I hope my critique helps!

I also added a lot more to Abel's page (like I needed any more) and fine-tuned what I needed to fix!! This critique was epic and super helpful and I appreciate it so much! You're epic, thank you for doing this!! :D

@Jolyn

March 18, 2022

@sortaslightlysentient Ahh thank you for the response! Pike is long overdue for a critique so its great to have someone look over her.

why did she dye her hair?
Experimentation with appearance, she ended up loving how it looked faded!

how did she get the scars on her knuckles?

Punching walls due to anger, she's right handed so its all located there

her motivations are a liiiiiitle vague?? why do they motivate her?
Ahhh sorry I have so much trouble write motivations,

in her fears, what does 'persona' mean?
Its a bit of a long story of who exactly she is but Persona is the name of my main villain!

history is SUPER detailed !! kudos, man
Thanks bestie! It takes a while but it pays off

what type of witch is she? like, wicca, supernatural, pagan? it can mean so many different things lol
The witches in my world are heavily based around Wicca, for Pike specifically she is a Shaman witch (so she works with ghosts and such) and later on learns about Faery witchcraft. I don't have the info dump in her profile but for your sake just imagine Wicca.

WOW!! the level detail about her relationships is insane. seriously.
Thank you again! Its one of those things I feel really solidifies a good dynamic and gets a better idea of Pike in action!

i love the ear piercing anecdote
Ahh i love it to, just the lil things like that add so much for me

overall, super good and really well rounded. she sounds great and you've gone into so much detail. maybe just explain a few more things in the earlier segments?? <3

Sounds awesome! Making the edits as soon as possible!

@threesacult

March 18, 2022

I also added a lot more to Abel's page (like I needed any more) and fine-tuned what I needed to fix!! This critique was epic and super helpful and I appreciate it so much! You're epic, thank you for doing this!! :D

@MJ-the-Larcenist-Arsonist of course, I'm super glad I could help! :]

@Katastrophic

if anyone is so inclined, I'd love an opinion on Yhioma who's a relatively new character for me!

@ninja_violinist I'll give it a shot!

Cool name, glad I pronounced it right the first time! does it have a meaning?
I like the physical description, I can really picture her very clearly, and the little notes on her hairstyle and smile help paint the picture of her personality!
A little confused with the wording on her Flaws section, does she ignore the idea of other people's perspectives when it's convenient? or does she assume everyone has a similar perspective and that's why she assumes she's chill with 'different' perspectives? I kinda get the idea but it's a little scrambled for me
I really like the Morality section, that's a good perspective (in the sense of writing her), it leaves lots of room for tension and growth!
With the Hobbies, I see singing, which is great! Are there any specific songs or melodies that could be worked into her story, like favorites, other's favorites, childhood songs or lullabies? Singing skills or hobbies make for great storytelling opportunities
The Politics is a whole mood
The family dynamic is very interesting. Yhioma is very young with a lot of expectations placed on her and by her, it seems. Especially with a younger sister looking up to her like that, this seems like every important part of her character and potential actions
History looks good, I see that eye emoji tho
I love the subplot, esp with the quick look I had at Teya. The whole mentor plot is great, but even better when the student also impacts the teacher. From what I see, I like how Yhimoa isn't necessarily changing Teya, or vice versa, but they sort of compromise and grow together, with how Yhimoa's subplot theme becomes less naive
Those notes make me suspicious, I def want to know more. Also, the Constellations song is fantastic and I'm stealing it for my playlists

She seems well on the way as a character! I have a few more points/critiques/questions/idk for u tho

Her personality is written as very sweet, but that's it. I understand through her other sections how she's positive and caring, a little unsure but ready to take on the world sort-of-thing, but what else? Is she stubborn or does she let others have their way? When others are cynical (like Teya) is she persistent in changing their minds or does she just accept or maybe believe their views on things. I know it says she ignores others' perspectives sometimes, but what about when it's put right in front of her? If she's curious and open, is she gullible? or does she have a little caution? I guess what I'm trying to convey is while I can see how lovely she is, what's her personality when things don't line up with it?
The whole abandonment fear tied with her elder brother leaving and all those expectations really leave a lot of room for angst and growth, I hope that's something that gets explored in your story!

I hope that helps!
I just revamped Danica's page, it would be awesome if someone could take a look! Danica

@larcenistarsonist

oooo heyo @Katastrophic!!!

To start out with, maybe elaborate more on her Gilded Sword (where did she get it? is it an important weapon to her?) and about the "miscellaneous" section. Why does she keep that scrap of cloth with her? Does it have sentimental value?
In Relationships, Adam is listed as her family. Are they related? How?
For her favorites: why are they her favorites? Perhaps add some more favorites as well. Even if they aren't that relevant, they're still fun to have and give us a lot of insight on a character!
In her looks I would just elaborate more on her facial features! Her eye shape, her lips, her nose, her jawline and face shape! The more you have there, the easier it is to visualize your character.
Her nature is pretty solid, I would just maybe add a little more, especially with mannerisms. How does she act when sad, angry, excited, nervous, irritated, etc. It's small mannerisms like these that really help lock in a character.
And conditions!! What is this Star-Called- I'm so fascinated by this and I wanna know more!! How did she get it? What is it driving her to do? How does it affect her day-to-day life?
unrelated to the critique, but your art is so cool my guy-

Overall, she's such an interesting character and I loved reading about her!! I would just expand more on what you already have, just to give us all an in-depth look of her character!! She's totally epic though!

Alright, my next character: Felix Herrera!

@4lagoon4

@sortaslightlysentient Ok so I wrote this a while back but just recently finished it, so here are my thoughts on Adelaide! 😂

Right off the bat I love the story you have going so far! All the characters and the mystery make this an exciting read, so I'm looking forward to seeing how this all ends!

Ok, critiquing time!

While I love the story, I think a little too much of it is being told. Try holding back on what you give the reader in the preview so they only get enough to keep them hooked!
Adelaide’s quote needs a little more context.

“People say I killed my husband that night. I didn’t, I swear on my life. But… seeing my baby… our baby, dead… if he hadn’t blown his brains out, I would’ve done it for him.”

I didn’t have context about who Adelaide’s husband was or what he did yet, so the emotion you tried to convey here was a little confusing. At first I thought she was saying this out of pity like in a “I would’ve spared him the expense due to how tragic this event was.” kind of way. But I understood how you meant for it to be conveyed after reading her profile a bit more and about her relationship with Douglas. And I think you meant it as a “He did this! I’d have ended him for this! 😡”” kind of way lol. So maybe you could write it like this-

“People say I killed my husband that night. I didn’t, I swear on my life. But seeing what he did to my baby… our baby… if he hadn’t blown his brains out, I would’ve done it for him.”

The change is small but helps the reader understand that Douglas isn’t someone they should sympathize for. (Some of the other quotes need a bit of polishing too, but other than that they’re great! 👍)

Adelaide’s name is being repeated a lot in a majority of your categories. (mainly in the beginning) It’s another small detail but also big enough to notice. There’s nothing wrong with that however! But if you want, try cutting Adelaide’s name out of some of them and switching some things around like this–

“FLAWS - What flaws does Adelaide Price have?

Distraught after witnessing the suicide of her husband of eight years, she became extremely nervous and paranoid. She is also two-faced and capricious, pretending to be different people in front of certain crowds to get them to like her, which stems from her insecurity, rendering her untrustworthy and insincere. She is only like this, however, because she wants to be liked, and isn't necessarily a bad person because of it”

All in all I really enjoyed reading this, thanks for sharing! (^^) ☆

@4lagoon4

(Here’s Adrienne and/or Jessé for anyone who wants to critique them)

@Katastrophic

oooo heyo @Katastrophic!!!

Heyo ^_^

To start out with, maybe elaborate more on her Gilded Sword (where did she get it? is it an important weapon to her?) and about the "miscellaneous" section. Why does she keep that scrap of cloth with her? Does it have sentimental value?

That's a great question, I just like fancy swords. It def needs some backstory tho. The cloth is sentimental from her past in the military, but I might retcon it cause it was meant to be a talk point for her past but I've found some better ways about it.

In Relationships, Adam is listed as her family. Are they related? How?

Found family is my favorite trope and I will die by it, Adam is her father/guardian figure

For her favorites: why are they her favorites? Perhaps add some more favorites as well. Even if they aren't that relevant, they're still fun to have and give us a lot of insight on a character!

Good point, and yes I need some more for sure! I kinda want to use them as those little bonus scenes between chapters/books (comic shorts? idk)

In her looks I would just elaborate more on her facial features! Her eye shape, her lips, her nose, her jawline and face shape! The more you have there, the easier it is to visualize your character.

I don't really think about being so specific since I draw them, but it would be good to have those written down

Her nature is pretty solid, I would just maybe add a little more, especially with mannerisms. How does she act when sad, angry, excited, nervous, irritated, etc. It's small mannerisms like these that really help lock in a character.

And conditions!! What is this Star-Called- I'm so fascinated by this and I wanna know more!! How did she get it? What is it driving her to do? How does it affect her day-to-day life?

This is that plot point I came up with that made everything simultaneously come together and make so much more work. I needed a reason for these people to be basically challenging a cosmic disaster and certain death for some extinct people, cause that's crazy. So I came up with this "madness" that some people just genetically (for no plot reason, nooo >.>) have. Since the Ancients came from the stars and these people are compelled to find anything to do with the Ancients, they're "Star-Called." This goes from being curious as a child to obsessive as an adult, to full-on crazy. I need to make that an actual page.

unrelated to the critique, but your art is so cool my guy-

Thank you very much! She's the first of the main crew I redesigned :)

Overall, she's such an interesting character and I loved reading about her!! I would just expand more on what you already have, just to give us all an in-depth look of her character!! She's totally epic though!

Thanks! This was really helpful MJ!

(and for thread continuity)

Alright, my next character: Felix Herrera!

@threesacult

(It looks like the thread split, so I'll critique both @4lagoon4 and @MJ-the-Larcenist-Arsonist's characters to get it back on track :) )

@threesacult

First off, @4lagoon4's Jessé!

Overview looks great, nothing to critique there!
His mannerisms seem more like an extension of the personality section than a look at his mannerisms. Mannerisms are less general personality traits and more habitual things someone does that is characteristic of them. Something that helps me is looking at the character when they're experiencing different emotions—does he hum to himself when he's bored? Mess with his hair when he's stressed or uncomfortable? That sort of thing.
I like the flaw about his past, but what character flaws does he have now? What negative traits of his caused him to pick fights? Was he stubborn? Prideful? Bored? Does he still portray these flaws in other ways in the present day?
Add some more traits to fill out his hobbies and talents sections! For his talents, he's a successful YouTuber—think about what exactly about him makes him successful. The ways in which he uses his charisma could count as talents; something like being a good video editor might too.
The Nature section portrays a very likable, fun character, but I would love to see more in-depth looks at some of the things mentioned in it!
The Looks section is pretty solid; all I'd suggest is putting more detail into his body type since everyone's idea of the "average" body is different.
I would love to see more in his politics section! Are you implying that he's uncomfortable discussing politics? If so, why is that? Even an aversion to politics is taking a stance on politics. Otherwise, his Social section looks good :)
For the History section—whoa, welding! Mentioning his interest in welding somewhere else in his profile (like in his hobbies or talents!) might help tie it in more. What got him interested in welding?
I'm also guilty of being vague when it comes to a character's family, but adding a little more on Jessé's relationship with his brothers would help. Why does he think that they're dense? And even if his upbringing wasn't exciting, mentioning things such as his socio-economic class growing up, his education and what he thought of school, etc., helps people gain a better understanding of his background.
The addition in the Notes section is a really cool analysis of his character! Tying this into his personality type and his flaws would be great.
Not a critique, but your art style is super cute :)

All in all, my main feedback is to develop his personality more and to take some traits that seem to be sort of floating in his profile and tie them into other aspects of his character, like his hobbie of welding and him being a people pleaser. I really like Jessé as a character and I hoped this helped!

@threesacult

…And @MJ-the-Larcenist-Arsonist's Felix!

I'm a little confused by the sentence "Felix has wide, sparkling eyes that are usually narrowed from his near constant expression of joy"—by narrowed from joy, do you mean the lower lids being pushed up from smiling? Otherwise, his Looks section is great. You really have a knack for descriptions!
Really my only critique in his Nature section is to elaborate more on why he has the fears that he does instead of just listing bullet points, but everything else in there looks good; I feel like I have a pretty solid understanding of who he is from it.
Does he actually cheat at poker? Or do people call him a cheater unfairly?
For his flaws, how do they manifest outwardly? When does he know when to stop, if ever? He likes pushing people's buttons and generally can get good reads on people's emotions, but if he's pushed someone too far and they're getting angry or violent, will he try to deescalate the situation or backtrack? Basically, when does the "bringing out the worst in people" stop and the "saving his own skin" begin?
Everything else in here is solid, though I'd love to see more on him putting together outfits since that seems like a fun aspect of his character :)
Both Mannerism sections are incredibly detailed, I have nothing to add for those!
Social looks good too!
Not a critique, I'm more so just curious, but you mention WWIV in his History section—how far into the future does the story take place? Or is this more an alternate history sort of deal?
Is there a reason Felix is allowed out of the Compound and able to more or less live his life outside of it? Do people in the outside world know about Donovan Ent., and is he allowed to talk about it? Does he find it weird or does it seem normal to him?
Powers and Voice are great! My only critique is that Hispanic is not its own accent; rather, Hispanic refers to any Spanish-speaking country. Clarifying what Hispanic country (or even better, what specific part of the country!) his accent is from would be great.
Also not a critique, but the phrase "emergency glowsticks" being listed in the contents of his backpack just gives me joy.
Once again, amazing detail when it comes to describing his relationships with his family and others! I am now Jackpot the ferret's biggest fan
The idea that Felix can't separate love and violence from each other because of his job is super, super interesting!

Thanks for letting me critique one of your characters again! To be honest, I really don't have any major critiques on Felix since he's so well-developed, but hopefully I pointed out at least a couple of things you might add to his profile.

@threesacult