forum Incorrect Quotes 2: Electric Boogaloo

Started July 17, 2020 by @evastardust groupRRAAAARRL

tune

Law: Toss me my keys.
printer crashes next to him
Law: I said my keys!
Luffy: I thought you said printer.
Law: Why the fuck would I say printer-

Sanji, holding Toko: I am a father.
Azami: She… has a father.
Sanji: He’s my blood.

Usopp: As your best friend-
Nami: Vivi is my best friend.
Usopp: AS YOUR BEST FRIEND-

Rosinante, traumatised: I killed him. I killed him-
Doflamingo: No, you just shot him, okay? Give me the gun.
Doflamingo: proceeds to headshot the person bleeding out
Doflamingo: See that? I killed him.
Rosinante: This is not how we fix things.
If only Doffy was a decent brother

Usopp: I may be trash, but I’m high quality trash. Premium trash. Grade A trash. The kind of trash your mom would look at and say ’should this be recycling?’. Yeah I’m that kind of trash.

Usopp: We only know someone in this room is possessed by an owl.
Chopper: Who?
Usopp: narrows eyes

Usopp: let’s say, hypothetically, i did the mash, and for the sake of debate, let’s say it was a monster mash. Would that, hypothetically speaking, mean that it would be a graveyard sm-

Chopper: Do you want to slow dance?
Usopp: Sure! starts doing the Macarena at 1/3 the speed
Chopper: doesn’t know what’s happening and starts copying him
Brook: What the fuck is wrong with the youth of today.

Law: You need to make a decision!
Jax: starts crying

Sanji: I’m begging you to see a doctor.
Zoro: Oh, I’m sorry, is this our stab wound? Stay out of it.

Shachi: Live! Laugh! Love!
Law: Die. Cry. Hate.

Luffy: You know what I’m craving?
Luffy and Azami, at the same time: Rice Krispies squares.
Azami: Sometimes I wonder how we’re all still alive.
Luffy: Yeah. Me, too.

Jax: I’m crying because I’m happy.
Law: That doesn’t sound right, but I don’t know enough about happiness to dispute it.

Mihawk: Alright everyone, we will meet here in one hour, sync your watches.
Estella: Mine doesn’t do that.
Peregrine: I don’t wear a watch.
Shanks: Time is a construct.
Mihawk: inhale

Nami: Would you say you’re independent?
Chopper:
Chopper: looks at Usopp
Usopp: nods
Chopper: Yeah, I’d say so.

Ace: Good morning, parental figure.
Dadan, not looking up from her coffee: Good morning, problem child.

Bartolomeo: Look, I know you’re just deflecting by making jokes about how hot you are, but -
Cavendish, sobbing: It’s not a joke, I’m a legit snack.

Sanji: The world is broken, and I’m sad because there’s nothing I can do to fix it.
Robin: The world is broken, but there’s an odd beauty In the dark parts.
Luffy: The world is broken, and I am angry, and I am going to fight to fix it.
Brook: Maybe the world is broken, but I’ve got a guitar.

Law: I’m not getting into anymore stupid arguments with you.
Luffy: Mars isn’t a planet.
Law, storming back into the room: How the fuck is Mars not a planet?!

Jarrod @ Felix: I need you to think straight for a minute
Felix: You know I can't do that

Mel: Memes aren't a personality trait, you know
Ausrin: yeah it is

Felix, who still has no idea what is happening: So of all the people you had to pick for a possibly deadly experiment you picked a random healthy family
Joseph: Yes
Felix: Why
Joseph: Because I felt like it
Felix: You're a dumbass

Mel: Remember when we first met
Austin, sleep deprived: Nah, I got insomnia
Mel: Amnesia (zoetrope plays in the background)
Austin: I don't know who that is

Felix: The fuck are you on about, mate
Jarrod: I said don't call me mate
Felix: The frick are you on about, friend

Jarrod: If you going embarrass yourself on the internet at least do it for money

Mel: Toss me my keys.
[printer crashes next to her]
Mel: I said my keys!
Austin: I thought you said printer.
Mel: Why the fuck would I say printer -

Austin: Mark the day, Mel. May 18th at 4 pm.
Mel: Austin, we’re well into October.
Austin: What?!

Mel: As your best friend-
Austin: The Rock Obama is my best friend.
Mel: AS YOUR BEST FRIEND-

Felix: I fucked my way into this mess, and I’ll fuck my way out of it.
Austin: What?
Jarrod: No, he’s done it before.

Austin: Oh shit I killed him-
Felix: No, you just shot him, okay? Give me the gun.
Felix: [proceeds to unload the gun into the mans head]
Felix: See that? I killed him.
Jarrod: This is NOT how we fix things.

Austin: I may be trash, but I’m high quality trash. Premium trash. Grade A trash. The kind of trash your mom would look at and say ’should this be recycling?’. Yeah I’m that kind of trash.

Felix: We only know someone in this room is possessed by an owl.
Austin: Who?
Felix: [narrows eyes]

Felix: let’s say, hypothetically, i did the mash, and for the sake of debate, let’s say it was a monster mash. Would that, hypothetically speaking, mean that it would be a graveyard sm-

Austin: Slow dance is happening. Want me to dance with you so no boys ask?
Mel: Sure! (starts doing the Macarena at 1/3 the speed.)
Austin: (doesn’t know what’s happening and starts copying her)
Felix: What the fuck is wrong with the youth of today.

Jarrod: You need to make a decision!

Em: (starts crying)

Mel: I’m begging you to see a doctor.
Austin: Oh, I’m sorry, is this our stab wound? Stay out of it.

Paige: Live! Laugh! Love!
Austin: Die. Cry. Hate.

Austin: You know what I’m craving?
Austin and Felix at the same time: Rice Krispies squares.
Felix: Sometimes I wonder how we’re all still alive.
Austin: Yeah. Me, too.

Mel: I’m crying because I’m happy.
Austin: That doesn’t sound right, but I don’t know enough about happiness to dispute it.

Jarrod: Alright everyone, we will meet here in one hour, sync your watches.
Em: Mine doesn’t do that.
Felix: I don’t wear a watch.
Austin: Time is a construct.
Jarrod: [inhales]

Jarrod: Maybe the real treasure was the friends we made along the way.
Felix: No, I want my fucking gold.

Mel: Would you say you’re independent?
Em:
Em: looks at Austin
Austin: [shakes head]
Em: No.

Austin: Good morning parental figure
Jarrod, not looking up from his coffee: Good morning, problem child.

Jarrod: Look, I know you’re just deflecting by making jokes about how hot you are, but -
Felix, sobbing: It’s not a joke, I’m a legit snack.

Mel: The world is broken, and I’m sad because there’s nothing I can do to fix it.
Jarrod: The world is broken, but there’s an odd beauty In the dark parts.
Austin: The world is broken, and I am angry, and I am going to fight to fix it.
Felix: Maybe the world is broken, but I’ve got a gun.

Jarrod: I’m not getting into anymore stupid arguments with you.
Felix: Mars isn’t a planet.
Jarrod, storming back into the room: How the fuck is Mars not a planet?!

Allison: I fucked my way into this mess, and I’ll fuck my way out of it.
Vozreal: What?
Azrael: No, she’s done it before.

Dima: Toss me my keys.
Printer crashes next to him
Dima: I said my keys!
Lyra: I thought you said printer.
Dima: Why the fuck would I say printer-

Ness, traumatised: I killed him. I killed him-
Lyra: No, you just shot him, okay? Give me the gun.
Lyra: Proceeds to headshot the person bleeding out
Lyra: See that? I killed him.
Dima: This is not how we fix things.

Jackson, in a spot-on Ben Shapiro impression: Let’s say, hypothetically, I did the mash, and for the sake of debate, let’s say it was a monster mash. Would that, hypothetically speaking, mean that it would be a graveyard sm-

Eleanor: I’m crying because I’m happy.
Christopher: That doesn’t sound right, but I don’t know enough about happiness to dispute it.

Marcus: Alright everyone, we will meet here in one hour, sync your watches.
Darius: Mine doesn’t do that.
Jon: I don’t wear a watch.
Oliver: Time is a construct.
Marcus: Inhale

Joan: The world is broken, and I’m sad because there’s nothing I can do to fix it.
Margot: The world is broken, but there’s an odd beauty In the dark parts.
Therese: The world is broken, and I am angry, and I am going to fight to fix it.
Jon: Maybe the world is broken, but I’ve got a guitar.

Oleander: I fucked my way into this mess, and I’ll fuck my way out of it.
Lavinia: What?
Calla: No, he’s done it before.

Owen: burritos in 3 comforters: I am the blanket taco. The beginning and end of comfort. I am the couch potato, the king of sleepiness, and the superhero of watching cartoons all day.
Lark: You've been wrapped like that for 8 hours, you sure you're okay?
Owen: …I'm stuck and really have to pee.

Alex: I hate losing more than I like winning

Spencer: If Steve Irwin had pinned you down in a headlock, what cool facts would he tell the audience about you and your habitat?
Alex: I don't care. He calls me a beaut, and I really needed to hear it.

Spencer: Lark- …what are you doing?
Lark: Making chocolate pudding.
Spencer: It's 4 in the morning! Why on earth are you making chocolate pudding?
Lark: Because I've lost control of my life.

Owen: I dare you to-
Lark: Alex isn't allowed to accept dares.
Alex: Apparently I have "no regard for my personal safety".

Lark: I'm leaving for three days. Spencer is in charge. I've left notes for each of you with instructions
Alex: Mine just says “Alex, no.'
Lark: And you can apply that to every possible situation

Spencer: How do I delete the phone function on my phone?
Lark: What?
Spencer: I don't want phone calls or texts, to many distractions

Spencer: Lark, how do I get revenge on my enemies?
Lark: The best revenge is letting go and living your life to the fullest! :)
Spencer: …
Spencer: Hey Alex, how d-
Alex: Bricks.

Watcher: we have your child, come and get them
Spencer: We don't have a child?
Watcher: then whos the short strange child throwing desk chairs at my men screaming “Fck the government”
*loud crashing and screaming in the background
Spencer: You have Alex? I'm impressed that you haven't died yet

Tori: So let’s talk romance now. Are there any men in the picture?
Spencer, dying of laughter: Tell me every aspect of my personality that made you assume I was straight so that I can change it immediately

Lark, in a high-speed chase away from a watcher down a highway and Alex, hiding in the backseat Why can't you just sell drugs like a normal delinquent?

Lark: I’m begging you to see a doctor.
Alex: Oh, I’m sorry, is this our stab wound? Stay out of it.

Lark: Live! Laugh! Love!
Alex (under their breath): Die. Cry. Hate.

Owen: I’m not getting into any more stupid arguments with you.
Alex: pluto isn’t a planet.
Owen, storming back into the room: How the fck is Pluto, not a planet?!
Lark: it lost its status as a planet a while ago, back in 2006.
Owen: Viva la pluto fck you all

nicky, groaning as he follows catori through the woods while being pursued by angry cult members: why can't you just sell drugs like a normal delinquent?

---

cisco: i’m begging you to see a doctor.
catori: oh, i’m sorry, is this our stab wound? mind your business

Austin: burritos in 3 comforters: I am the blanket taco. The beginning and end of comfort. I am the couch potato, the king of sleepiness, and the superhero of watching cartoons all day.
Jarrod: You've been wrapped like that for 8 hours, you sure you're okay?
Austin: I'm having a me day okay

Austin: I hate losing more than I like winning

Austin: If Steve Irwin had pinned you down in a headlock, what cool facts would he tell the audience about you and your habitat?
Mel: I don't care. He calls me a beaut, and I really needed to hear it.
(Austin: mood)

Jarrod: Austin- …what are you doing?
Austin: Making hot chocolate.
Jarrod: It's 4 in the morning! Why on earth are you making hot chocolate?
Austin: Because I've lost control of my life.

Jarrod: I'm leaving for three days. Austin is in charge. I've left notes for each of you with instructions
Felix: Mine just says 'Felix, no.'
Jarrod: And you can apply that to every possible situation

Austin: How do I delete the phone function on my phone?
Mel: What?
Austin: I don't want phone calls or texts, to much social interaction

Em: Jarrod, how do I get revenge on my enemies?
Jarrod: The best revenge is letting go and living your life to the fullest.
Em: …
Em: Hey Austin and Mel, how d-
Austin and Mel simultaneously: Bricks.

Kidnapper: we have your child, come and get them
Jarrod: Austin and Em are both right here?
Kidnapper: then whos this short child throwing things at my men screaming “What do you mean you don't have wine”
Gunshots in the background
Kidnapper: Wait what the fuck?
Jarrod: Oh, you have Felix. Good luck.

Jax: I hate losing more than I like winning.

Azami: If Steve Irwin had pinned you down in a headlock, what cool facts would he tell the audience about you and your habitat?
Sanji: I don't care. He calls me a beaut, and I really needed to hear it.

Sanji: Usopp- …what are you doing?
Usopp: Making chocolate pudding.
Sanji: It's 4 in the morning! Why on earth are you making chocolate pudding?
Usopp: Because I've lost control of my life.

Azami, after joining the crew: I dare you to-
Nami: Luffy isn't allowed to accept dares.
Luffy: Apparently I have "no regard for my personal safety".

Law: I'm leaving for three days. Penguin and Shachi are in charge. I've left notes for each of you with instructions.
Franky: Mine just says “Franky, no.'
Law: And you can apply that to every possible situation.

Pell: So let’s talk romance now. Are there any men in the picture?
Vivi, dying of laughter: Tell me every aspect of my personality that made you assume I was straight so that I can change it immediately.

Shanks, dragging Luffy and Azami out of a battle with mountain bandits: Why can't you just sell drugs like normal delinquents?

Gawain: Y'know what I hate? Child murderers!
Sharla: Oh no! Here comes one now!
Aqua (a child, brandishing a knife): Hee hee hee! I'm gonna getcha!

Olivia: Penny, we need to think. How do we usually get out of these messes?
Penny: We don't, we just make a bigger one that cancels the first one out.

Beatrice: I hate losing more than I like winning.

Percy: Ari- …what are you doing?
Aristotle: Making chocolate pudding.
Percy: It's 4 in the morning! Why on earth are you making chocolate pudding?
Aristotle: Because I've lost control of my life.

Erik: I'm leaving for three days. Oscar and Aristotle are in charge. I've left notes for each of you with instructions.
Percy: Mine just says “Percy, no.'
Erik: And you can apply that to every possible situation.

Reporter: So let’s talk romance now. Are there any men in the picture?
Anne: Tell me every aspect of my personality that made you assume I was straight so that I can change it immediately.

Erik, watching Oscar and Percy being put on-trial for treason: Why can't you just sell drugs like normal delinquents?

Anthony: Cy- …what are you doing?
Cyrus: Making chocolate pudding.
Anthony: It's 4 in the morning! Why on earth are you making chocolate pudding?
Cyrus: Because I've lost control of my life.

Anthony: I'm leaving for three days. Jack is in charge. I've left notes for each of you with instructions.
Cyrus: Mine just says “Cyrus, no."
Anthony: And you can apply that to every possible situation.

Reporter: So let’s talk romance now. Are there any men in the picture?
Cyrus: Tell me every aspect of my personality that made you assume I was straight so that I can change it immediately.

Quill, after joining the crew: I dare you to-
Jack: Dallas isn't allowed to accept dares.
Dally: Apparently I have "no regard for my personal safety".

Otori: Hey this body is flawless, Everyone wants a piece of me and I got the creepy fan fiction to prove

Charlie: So I just figured out my dad's trapped inside a bunny what should I do
Lucas: Well at he notices you
Jax: and doesn't treat you like shit
Matthew: and isn't an urn
Charlie: I asked for help, not your daddy issues

Lucas: Word can't hurt me these shades are gucci

Aaron/Kelly @ Charlie: I hate you
Charlie: and I still hate me more

Insato climbs Bonita's computer
Bonita: Holy shit, she coming out the computer, you know what that means
Bonita fastly types
Bonita: DON'T WORRY BUMI I'LL SAVE YOU

Valerie: God, what a priss
Sophie: Valerie!
Valerie: What little miss vice president can't hear
Ava: I said I was mute, not deaf

Skylar: You know if dad was here he'd celebrate by jetskiing in the pool
Matthew: Your dad really did that
Skylar: Yeah, our neighbors didn't like us very much

Thomas: When you have been in politics as long as I have been, you develop thick skin.
Ash: Magenta is not your color.
Thomas: MAGENTA BRINGS OUT MY EYES, YOU PRICK!

Ash: Aaron is choking. I need to call 911, but the 9 button won't work!
Sora: Turn it upside down and use the 6!
Ash: Genius!
Aaron, stops choking momentarily: What the fuck?

Ash: Why are you like this?
Aaron: I used too much "No More Tears" shampoo as a child and haven't felt a single emotion since then.

Aaron: If you're not on a diet, then why are you drinking diet soda?
Ash: So I can eat regular cake.

Sora: That dude wanted to buy you a drink.
Johnny: Really? But I already have a drink. Do you think he'd buy me mozzarella sticks?

Ash: When have I done anything rash and irresponsible?
Aaron: I keep a list. It's alphabetized.

Georgie: End of Plan A!
William: Whatever do you mean by "End of Plan A"?
Georgie: You don't fool Georgie!
Georgie: I have been through Plan A too many times!
Georgie: And forget about Plan B!
William: You mean you knew about Plan B?
Georgie: My dear, you cannot have a war without Plan B.

James: How are we going to get rid of Ash?
Thomas: Shoot him!
James: Stab him!
Thomas: Poison him!
Aaron: No, we gotta think this over. We have to give it careful, considerate, intelligent thought.
Aaron: Then we'll shoot him, stab him, or poison him.

Aaron: Don't worry about Ash.
Thomas: I'm not worried. Because you're going to get rid of him. You're going to kill him and you're going to do life for murder and I'll never have to see your face again.

William: Okay, so. . . help us out.
Charles: Wish I could, but I can't. Well, can, but won't. Should, maybe, shorn't.
William: Charles, please. . .
Charles: What part of "shorn't" don't you understand, William?

Ash: The first draft of my wedding vows, which I wrote the day after we got engaged, was about 70 pages long.
crowd groans
Ash: But sadly, I don't have them with me today.
loud cheers

Thomas: I have to quit.
James: To do what?
Thomas: I don't know. I'm just going to live under a bridge and ask people riddles before they cross.

Georgie: It's not easy being British.
Georgie: The reason being it is impossible for me, as a Brtish person, to walk into any museum, in any nation on the planet earth, without, within five minutes, start to feel guilty.
Georgie: You have no idea how it feels like!
Georgie, to the Americans: You will! Oh, you will!
Georgie: One day, all this shame will be yours, my American friends!

Thomas, about Ash: Can I shoot him?
James: Not in public.

Thomas: You are very smart for a short person
James: . . . .

Thomas: You hate Ash?
James: Yes.
Thomas: And I hate Ash. . .
Thomas: James, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Karma: Hey, this body is flawless. Everyone wants a piece of me and I've got the creepy fanfiction to prove it.

Dally: When you've been in this field as long as I have, you develop a thick skin.
Jack, walking past: Magenta is not your color.
Dally: MAGENTA BRINGS OUT MY EYES, YOU PRICK!

Quill: Why are you like this?
Anthony: I used too much "No More Tears" shampoo as a child and haven't felt a single emotion since then.

Oleander: Hey, this body is flawless. Everyone wants a piece of me and I've got the creepy fanfiction to prove it.

Oleander: When you've been in power as long as I have, you develop a thick skin.
Maia, walking past: Plum is not your color.
Oleander: PLUM IS A ROYAL COLOR, YOU PRICK!

Oops, new character time?

Eliot: Who are you?
Tabitha: I'm not quite sure.

Tabitha: I’m on my way, what should I bring?
Eliot: A good mood
Tabitha: I’m not coming.

Imogen: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
Tabitha: Unless life also gives you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna be pretty disgusting.

Tabitha: Toss me my keys.
Printer crashes next to him
Tabitha: I said my keys!
Kels: I thought you said printer.
Tabitha: Why the fuck would I say printer-

Imogen, traumatized: I killed him. I killed him-
Tabitha: No, you just shot him, okay? Give me the gun.
Tabitha: Proceeds to headshot the person bleeding out
Tabitha: See that? I killed him.
Addie: This is not how we fix things.

Kay: Let’s say, hypothetically, I did the mash, and for the sake of debate, let’s say it was a monster mash. Would that, hypothetically speaking, mean that it would be a graveyard sm-

Imogen: I’m crying because I’m happy.
Tabitha: That doesn’t sound right, but I don’t know enough about happiness to dispute it.

Tabitha: Alright everyone, we will meet here in one hour, sync your watches.
Eliot: Mine doesn’t do that.
Imogen: I don’t wear a watch.
Kels: Time is a construct.
Tabitha: Inhale

Tabitha: The world is broken, and I’m sad because there’s nothing I can do to fix it.
Kay: The world is broken, but there’s an odd beauty in the dark parts.
Kels: The world is broken, and I am angry, and I am going to fight to fix it.
Imogen: Maybe the world is broken, but I’ve got a guitar.

Tabitha: I hate losing more than I like winning.

Tabitha: I'm leaving for three days. Eliot and Addie are in charge. I've left notes for each of you with instructions.
Kay: Mine just says “Kay, no.'
Tabitha: And you can apply that to every possible situation.

Allison: Hey, this body is flawless. Everyone wants a piece of me and I've got the creepy fanfiction to prove it.

Vozreal: Let’s say, hypothetically, I did the mash, and for the sake of debate, let’s say it was a monster mash. Would that, hypothetically speaking, mean that it would be a graveyard sm-

Allison: The world is broken, and I’m sad because there’s nothing I can do to fix it.
Azrael: The world is broken, but there’s an odd beauty in the dark parts.
Rachel: The world is broken, and I am angry, and I am going to fight to fix it.
Vozreal: Maybe the world is broken, but I’ve got a guitar.

Kay: Would you bail me out of jail?
Kels: No.
Kay: Well you didn't have to say it so fast.

Imogen: Everybody’s got a gay cousin.
Kels: I don’t have a gay cousin.
Imogen:
Kels: Oh wait, I'm the gay cousin–

Addie, nearly in tears: Kay, please don’t pronounce "hors d'oeuvres" as "horse divorce" again.

Eliot, at five AM: Oh, good morning. I didn't know you're an early bird.
Tabitha: I never went to bed.

Kels: I'm not interested in being polite or heterosexual.

Imogen: We commend the body of my fallen friend Kay Carth to the abode of the damned.
Imogen: The damned good looking.
Tabitha:
Addie:
Eliot:
Kels:
Imogen: Kay begged me to tell that joke at their funeral.

Kay: We need to distract the Director from coming over here!
Kay: Quick, Addie, start talking about boring nerd stuff!
Addie: You know, nerd culture is mainstream now, so when you use the word "nerd" derogatorily, it means you're the one that's out of the zeitgeist.
Kay: Yeah, that's perfect. Just like that. Keep going.

Imogen: Remember, murder is never the answer.
Kels: Of course. Murder is the question.
Tabitha: And the answer is yes.

The Director: So what are all your skills?
Tabitha: I'm a skilled knife thrower
Kels: I can beat just about anyone in hand-to-hand.
Imogen: I make good life choices
The Director: That’s not really-
Eliot: No, trust us. She’s our most important member.

Tabitha: I'm over this.
Eliot: Over what?
Tabitha: All of it.
Eliot: Could you be more specific?
Tabitha: Specifically everything.

my characters have kids and i've finally aged them up to develop them? incorrect quotes

Alexis: I'm leaving for three days. Loreto is in charge. I've left notes for each of you with instructions
Tegan: Mine just says “Tegan, no'
Alexis: And you can apply that to every possible situation

---

Tegan: Let’s say, hypothetically, I did the mash, and for the sake of debate, let’s say it was a monster mash. Would that, hypothetically speaking, mean that it would be a graveyard sm-

---

Stranger: Who are you?
Eros: I'm not quite sure

---

Tegan: Toss me my keys.
Printer crashes next to her
Tegan: I said my keys!
Eros: I thought you said printer
Tegan: Why the fuck would I say printer-

---

Eros, giving Tegan winter driving lessons: No zoomy-zoom on the slicky-slick, or you go boomy-boom in the ditchy-ditch and have to wait for a towy-tow in the cold snowy-snow
Tegan: But what if I want to go boomy-boom?
(they're just a few months apart in age)

---

Tegan: I'm gonna recreate the authentic Applebee's strawberita
Tess: How are you gonna capture the essence of class warfare?

---

Eros: Pick a number between 40 and 60
Tegan: 47… why?
Eros: I'm pricing my nudes on OnlyFans

---

Eros: A lifetime of frugality over tacos will not make you a homeowner, Tegan

---

Random Man: Hey! It says "don't walk."
Tegan: And my friend says there's a straight, single man with a job and antibodies at her birthday party, so I'm gonna need you to loosen the fuck up

---

Eros: The trust is gone, this relationship is over
Tegan: All because I said "Yeehaw"???

---

Tegan: I don't know man, she makes me want to be less of a bitch
Tess: Damn. That's true love

---

Eros: I'll probably move in with my boyfriend in the next 6 months
Alexis & Wolf: I didn't know you had a boyfriend???
Eros: I don't, but I feel confident in that journey for me

---

Tess: You know what my safe word is? Mike Pence… because I would never say those words

---

Loreto: How's your dating life going?
Tegan: I would say physically I'm more bisexual right now, but emotionally I'm definitely asexual

---

Eros: The queen of England doesn't have a real job, right? Like, she's just an influencer for the whole country?
Alexis: I'm blaming your dad on this insanity

---

Woman at post office: Ma'am, do you have any explosives or flammable items?
Tegan: Oh god, no! I'm not organized enough to be a terrorist
Eros: Won't stop you from carrying around explosives

---

Tegan: I told him I'm not working, he ordered more drinks than me, and he STILL let me split the bill. I can't afford to date progressive guys in this economy, I gotta go back to misogynists

---

Alexis, making small talk: What are you doing now?
Tegan, a little shit: I'm a stay at home daughter

---

Tegan: I think he played himself. He will never find someone with my rack and sense of humor. They're normally mutually exclusive

---

Eros: Put avocado on racism so white people pay attention

---

Eros: All my social anxiety is gone
Loreto: What's your secret?
Eros: There's no society anymore

---

Waiter: You can have just champagne, or we have orange juice which you can add to it. In France, they call it Mimosa
Tegan: In Greece and Italy, we call that watering down.

---

Eros: We only have olives and half a loaf of bread at home, we need to stock up
Tegan: Yeah, shall we get some wine?

---

Tegan: Babe, it's just not my fate to die from Coronavirus. Choked to death in a foursome maybe, but Coronavirus, no fucking way

---

Eros: walks into a lamp post
Eros: Oh my goodness, I am so sorry

---

Eros: Londoners are professionals at minding their own business. You could be choking to death and the woman next to you will continue reading her paper

---

American: I love your accents!
Eros: Honestly, it's a burden. We can't even say 'great' without sounding aggressively sarcastic
Tegan: And no one has a clue where we're from

---

Eros: The difference between Brits and Americans is simple. In America, there are awkward silences. In England, the silences are hostile.

---

~Train is stuck at 2:50AM~
Driver: Move away from the doors please so the train can move
Driver: repeats several times
Driver: Thank you to the passenger that pushed them out of the train
Tegan: You're welcome

Allison: I told him I'm not working, he ordered more drinks than me, and he STILL let me split the bill. I can't afford to date progressive guys in this economy, I gotta go back to misogynists

Allison: Pick a number between 40 and 60
Azrael: 47… why?
Allison: I'm pricing my nudes on OnlyFans

Thomas: So, Ash just burned Adams.
James: Metaphorically?
Aaron: No, physically.

Ash: YOU SON OF A BITC–
Thomas, kicking the crap out of Ash: NO CURSING IN FRONT OF THE CHILD!
Ash: WHAT CHILD!?
Thomas: JAMES FOR LORDS SAKE!
James: . . . What the actual fuck?

Unzari: I remember meeting you when we were kids, You're my half-sister aren't you
Minato: Yo I don't know you is nor was I alerted of your existence

Jackson: I'm gonna recreate the authentic Applebee's strawberita
Geneva: How are you gonna capture the essence of class warfare?

Oleander: Pick a number between 40 and 60
Lavinia: 47. Why?
Oleander: I'm pricing my nudes on OnlyFans

Tabitha: I don't know, Kay, he makes me want to be less of a bitch.
Kay: Damn. That's true love.

Kay: The Chancellor of Andalay doesn't have a real job, right? Like, she's just an influencer for the whole country?
Imogen: I'm blaming this insanity on your dad.

Oleander: It's just not my fate to die from some sort of war. Choked to death in a foursome maybe, but war? No fucking way.

Victor: Walks into a lamp post
Victor: Oh my goodness, I am so sorry

Cordelia: The difference between humans and faeries is simple. Back in Alchester, there are awkward silences. In Ignis, the silences are hostile.

jo, on the phone: fuck you. seriously, i literally can't do this anymore.

hangs up

jo: sorry, i was on the phone with at&t

---

cisco: i'll be fine, i'm taking garlic 3-5 times a day
catori: bitch, it ain't vampires

---

nicky: a lifetime of frugality over tacos will not make you a homeowner, cisco

---

everette, pre catori and aella, on air while talking about the mermaids just off the coast: i wouldn't say we're dating. we're friends but not actual friends, like we hook up but can't have a real conversation for longer than 20 minutes

---

nicky: the trust is gone. this relationship is over
cisco: all because i said yeehaw????????

---

caroline: i don't know…she makes me want to be a little nicer.
jo, sprawled out on the dining hall table in front of her: damn, that's true love

---

catori: yeah so my therapist told me we weren't a good match
jo: you and caroline?
catori: no, me and my therapist

---

kas: why do you have a pez dispenser on your keychain?
jo: that's pepper spray
catori, holding up her keychain: mine's pez

---

catori, on the phone in cereal isle at target: i'm in a toxic relationship with america

---

stranger: can i pet your dog?
kas: she's the one you want to pet, ask her

---

caroline: can you take a pic of me?
jo: are you sure? you don't look good

---

host: how many?
cisco(a teenager): a table for one, but i'll be drinking for two

---

kas: apparently this dairy-free, gluten free icecream is like crack
isaac(local convenience store employee): i've had crack and i can guarantee crack is better

---

catori, pointing at the sunset: the sky is pumpkin spice
nicky, being held back by a snickering cisco: i will kill you

kas: walks into a lamp post
kas: oh my god im so sorry

Geneva, on the phone: Fuck you. Seriously, I literally can't do this anymore.
Geneva: Hangs up
Geneva: Sorry, I was on the phone with AT&T

Geneva, about Jackson: We're not dating. We're friends, but not actual friends. Like, we hook up but can't have a real conversation for longer than 20 minutes.

Portia: The trust is gone. This relationship is over.
Vince: All because I said yeehaw?

Beatrice: I don't know…she makes me want to be a little nicer.
Oscar, sprawled out on the dining hall table in front of her: Damn, that's true love.

Bee: Why do you have a Pez dispenser on your keychain?
Kate: That's pepper spray.
Bee, holding up her keychain: Mine's Pez.

Jamie: Can I pet your dog?
Georgie: She's the one you want to pet, ask her.

Host: How many?
Geneva: A table for one, but I'll be drinking for two.

Martha: Apparently this dairy-free, gluten free ice cream is like crack!
Geneva: I've had crack and I can guarantee crack is better.

Tabitha, left alone with a kid:
Kid:
Tabitha: Say fuck.

Addie: Psychological fact, people who are fascinated by serial killers were rated 70 times more interesting conversationalists compared to those who are not.
Tabitha: And yet you still suck at carrying on a conversation.

Kay, drunk and dangling upside down on the couch: We should be thankful that "anti-thunderstorms" with flashes of extreme darkness during the day followed by loud, high-pitch screeches, don't exist
Tabitha: What the actual fuck.
Addie: Actually no, I wanna see that.

Kay: I may be trash, but I'm high quality trash. Premium trash. Grade A trash. The kind of trash your mom would look at and say "should this be recycling?" Yeah, I'm that kind of trash.

Tabitha: If you are so committed to being perfectly lawful that you cannot see the value of breaking a law to defend yourself or others, you're not good, you're obedient.
Tabitha: This is coming from a thief. I speak the truth.

Imogen: The smell of Home Depot is cathartic
Imogen: Faeries live in the lights & chandeliers section, gnomes live in the outdoor gardening department
Tabitha: Stop romanticizing Home Depot
Imogen: Pixies live in the paint aisle. Fuck you

Kay: As a procrastinating overachiever I feel like I don't necessarily "half-ass" things. It's more like a "3/4 ass." Like overall did I do pretty well? Yeah. Did I reach my maximum potential though? I think the fuck not.

Kels: Half of me is a hopeless romantic and the other half of me is, well, an asshole.

Tabitha: Swear words are illegal now. If you say one you'll be fined.
Imogen: Heck
Tabitha: You're on thin fucking ice-
Tabitha:
Tabitha: Oh no.

Imogen: Good morning.
Addie: Good morning.
Eliot: Good morning.
The Director: You all sound like robots. Come on, spice it up a bit will you?
Kay, bursting through door with a martini: MORNING, MOTHERFUCKERS!
The Director: Forget I said anything.

Kay: I hate how reward systems never work for me. Like I can't just say "if I finish this assignment I can have a cookie" because my brain is like "….or you could just have one right now" and I can't argue with that logic
Kay: Self-imposed deadlines don't work either because I know the person who set them and they're full of shit

Imogen: Why do people say “oh I can’t eat that it’s breakfast", time is a man made concept and I’m ready for this popcorn chicken.

Imogen: Wake up, Meyer, it's morning.
Tabitha: I'm dead, leave your flowers and go.

Kels: What doesn't kill me should run, because now I'm pissed.

Tabitha: When crows remember people who wronged them and hold grudges, it's "intelligent" and "really cool" but when I do it I'm "petty" and "need to move on"

Leaoni: I throw in a bit of sugar-
Leaoni: Oh my god. That's salt. I'm an idiot.

Leaoni: What do we say when we start feeling anxious?
Varian: My anxiety is chronic but my ass is iconic.
Leaoni: No.

Frost, at a bar, very drunk: I don't know why people make such a big deal out of lying. It's super easy. You just say stuff. My sister thought I was straight until I was 17. You still think my name is Frost.
Leaoni, also drunk: wait what-

Varian: Why are you making french toast? We just ate.
Alune: It's for Phel.
Varian: Why are you making your cat french toast?
Alune: She doesn't know how.

Kallai: Rules exist for a reason.
Frost: To be broken.
Kallai: Nothing exists to be br-
Frost, aggressively snapping a glow-stick: Wrong again, mon ami.

Alune: I am a triple threat. I’m depressed, anxious, and gay.

Varian, looking in the mirror: You gotta draw the line somewhere! You gotta draw a fuckin' line in the sand, Varian! You gotta make a statement! You gotta look inside yourself and say, 'what am I willing to put up with today?' NOT FUCKING THIS!

Leaoni: Here's a fun idea: we hang mistletoe, but instead of kissing the person we're caught underneath with, we have to FIGHT them.
Sana: We're not doing that.
Kallai, nodding: Mistlefoe.
Sana: Kallai! Don't encourage her-

Frost during a crisis: (singing Mamma Mia unintelligibly)

Leaoni: I can't get Alune out of the lab.
Varian: Tell him I said something.
Leaoni: Like what?
Varian: Anything factually incorrect.
(five minutes later)
Alune, bursting into the room: You think the earth is flat?!

Varian: If I was the joker, I’d just get a restraining order on batman and superman. What are they gonna do? Break the Law? Then they’re no better than me, a cold-blooded murderer. And this would 100% work because movies have the shittiest take on ethics since fucking Kant.

Frost: You know, I’ve met some of the most insufferable people on these adventures.
Frost: But they also met me, so.

Varian: Truth or dare?
Alune: Truth.
Varian: How many hours of sleep have you had this week?
Alune: Dare.
Varian: Go to sleep.
Alune: I don't like this game.

Frost: Do you know why koalas aren't classified as bears?
Alune: Because they're marsupials.
Frost:
Alune:
Frost, walking away and mumbling under his breath: Because they're marsupials - NO IT'S BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT KOALAFICATIONS.

Kallai: I'm leaving for a few days. Alune is in charge. I've left notes for each of you with instructions.
Varian: Mine just says 'Varian, no.'
Kallai: And you can apply that to every possible situation.

Leaoni: That dude wanted to buy you a drink.
Sana: Really? But I already have a drink. Do you think he'd buy me mozzarella sticks?