i don't know what to fucking feel.

context:
i have a friend, myzl.
he has another friend, six.
they just happen to know each other irl.

myzl's been grumpy all day (or at least when hes been on, which wasn't much) and now i know why.

lemme introduce you to my character elara. nothing matters right now besides the disease she's dying of. friedriech's ataxia.

now six, she apparently had this disease. it's what killed her.
i want to cry. i really do.

the tears won't come.

how.
this is unreal i can't believe it.

i want to call him out on his bs but it could be real.
it cant be real though. please tell me i'm dreaming. in my entire life i've never known someone who died. like, interacted with them and stuff while they were still alive. near-death scares don't count.
(actually my mom doesn't count in this case either but please dont feel sorry for me, i never mention it because i'm tired of the pity)

i dont know what to feel
actually i'm gonna bring my mom up too
it was the same
same thing
numb
not feeling anything
i never cried either
is this normal????

i'm so confused
what the fuck is happening

six was fine.
she was fine.
she never said anything about being sick at all.
it seems like it was just yesterday
she was throwing rocks at myzl's window,,,
like it was just yesterday, she was throwing pencils at myzl until he accepted the myby ship…

though we're not even close, i'd do almost anything to get her back, so my friend can be happy again. fuck it, i'd even accept the myby ship. i'd tell the entire server my history of depressive episodes and suicidal episodes and intrusive thoughts, and about lily (who i'd keep anonymous ofc) and the near-death scare.

doxx myself what the fuck
i dont care

i just want my friend to be happy again
hell, he can be as cursed as he wants
just
let six come back
please

i want her to say i look better than her again so i can no u her
i want her to yell myby at me over dms again
i just
want to see her in chat one more time
so i can maybe write a little something
make her feel happy before she,,,,,,, dies?

i can't-
i don even know where im going with this
my hands are so tired
why must people ide
why must the world be this way
why does the earth violently rip people away from their loved ones, and peoples loved ones away from them?
and why did god invent depression, and/or let it happen, if he even does exist?

i can't take all the death shit anymore
i'm so done with people dying on me, and people getting suicidal and i cant stop aything

and i'm so done with people attacking my friends and not being openminded
i'm done with everything

as calli said, and i quote, "i'm so tired, man."

i'm tired of life
i dont want to seep
but i want to sleep forever
god i fucking hate this

Izzy, I'm going to share a little bit about me that I don't do often, I might have talked about it before. I'll post it straight on here because I feel comfortable talking about loss in my life and its effects and I hope that it can maybe help someone else. I"m not asking for pity, this is me sharing a life experience and what I learned and the coping mechanisms that I developed as a result.

I lost a member of my family when he was very young. He was around Three months old. It was not of natural causes, I know for a fact that he was in a lot of pain when he died, and very panicked. He suffocated.
At first I was angry, I remember just ripping my room apart, throwing things every where, I refused to sleep with a pillow for a long time I slept on the floor just bare floor because I just couldn't allow my self to use and find warmth and comfort in the things that had lead to this innocent life being snuffed out.
I was angry, and then I was just numb. People would ask how I was doing and I would just smile and lie. but it wasn't a lie, I felt nothing.
It's a coping mechanism, Your stopping yourself from feeling those emotions because it will hurt you. Not consciously, not intentionally. There is nothing wrong with you Izzy. You're coping with loss a different way than other people do. It's self preservation, It's how you are coping with loss.
I think in media we see people dealing with loss in very big ways very expressively. It's a very accurate portrayal for some people, and it's very different for others. There is nothing wring with not having great big reactions. it doesn't mean you're not still hurting, it doesn't invalidate your emotions. It doesn't mean that you didn't care about them or miss them. It just means you react differently.
I miss that Baby, he would be 4. I may not have been able to outwardly show or even inwardly feel my emotions. I went numb, I didn't cry at his funeral, I didn't even say goodbye. That does not mean I loved him any less. The last time I saw him he was alive, he was happy and smiling at me with great big blue eye's. I treasure that memory, I will forever treasure that boy.
You're Valid Izzy. You're not Broken because you're not crying, you're not a lesser human being. You are you and you react to things as an individual. You are Valid.

,,,thank you <3

I have this really confusing problem that's basically become a paradox.

So basically, people have found me annoying in the past for overreacting. For example, they'd make a joke about me that I didn't like, so I'd get upset at them, and then they'd start to judge me and tell me to chill out and that it was only a joke. Now I have a habit of laughing at every joke or insult that has come my way, whether it's made me uncomfortable or not. I guess that I was just really scared of being seen as sensitive, when in truth, I am sensitive. In summary, I never take anything seriously and have trouble expressing me real emotions about how something made me feel. I mean, this usually works out. It gets me a lot of friends and a reputation as a chill person.

But on the other hand, now I literally lack the ability to talk about emotions or be serious. I can't be confrontational at all because I'm too afraid. And the problem is, if someone were to confront me in the future about a problem, I'd have no idea how to react. If this were to happen, I'd be frozen. I can't truly apologize without being seen as sensitive or annoying or weird, and if I can't truly apologize, I'll look like a horrible person. I'd probably just sit there in silence while stuttering to come up with an excuse even though I don't have one. And knowing my friends, if can't justify my actions, then they'd probably abandon me.

And don't even get me started about discussing emotions casually. Since I live a privileged life, most of my troubles are all in my head or just overreactions. Since I don't want people to see me as a petty and basic rich white girl, I mostly keep my emotions to myself. If I'm ever in a situation where I have to talk about them, I'd probably just share the obvious and expected reactions, while hiding the deeper and darker emotions inside to avoid further talking or judgement.

Ok ok, last problem. I find it difficult to take sides or state solid opinions. Taking sides is like choosing between people and I just can't do that. Since I want to avoid people disliking me, I usually stay neutral because people tend to hate people with different opinions. Not to mention that I'm hecking inconsistent. This is where I run into trouble with stating solid opinions. My opinions change a lot based on who I'm around, my mood, new information that I've learned, and basically everything else. People don't like it when you change sides a lot, and I just don't have the energy or patience to explain why i'm so inconsistent.

In summary, I'm unable to communicate emotionally or take sides because of my fear of judgment and it's going to cost me greatly in the future. Yay.

haha do any of you remember the ex-friend who read all my vents here on notebook about him and [redacted for privacy] and only told me after?

yeah
i have no idea how tf he got my email
but today i was greeted with this at 1am:

"Hey I understand if you hate me or mad at me but I miss you and was wondering if we could be friends and I admit you were right I should never have gotten with [redacted for privacy] and i will never talk to her again but please I wanna talk to you again"

what the fuck
that wasn't why i started ignoring you
i started ignoring you and blocked you because you stalked me
you didn't tell me that you purposely went on notebook to find the venting chat, just so you could read all my vents until AFTER you confronted me about them

there's a reason i put them there
i stopped venting here for awhile because i felt unsafe
what the fuck
i love you guys, i don't want to feel unsafe again

i just
want to forget him,,,,,,

happy vent! i just created my favorite poem i've written all month and!!

:D

!!!!

poetry is so hard like i got mad respect for people who can do that

Same.

beeeg same

Same.

bro i have Seen your poetry. you Are the one who is getting the respect

I don't know if I ever told you guys this but I plan on getting an N tattooed on me, probably on my hand, once I can. For Notebook. because it's not like you guys saved my life and helped raise me through my teenage years or anything ahaha

<3

Make it blue.

I think my school is gonna try and ban this site lol

Sad.

I’m sorry, Relsey. For both things. It really sucks. And I doubt you need someone to pm with or whatever. But mine are open to you.

Leo. I’ll listen. And you will do what you need. Everything takes time.

That sucks, Izzy. But I hope Relsey has helped.

Username. Real friends will care. Start slow.

there is this fucking hot girl in my maths class. she is called storm <3
she hates meeee <3 <3

bum

there is this fucking hot girl in my maths class. she is called storm <3
she hates meeee <3 <3

bum

omfg im so sorry i meant bum

Next to the the Quote button, there is an edit button and a delete button if you wish to edit your comment.

Next to the the Quote button, there is an edit button and a delete button if you wish to edit your comment.

thankyou hhaha

oh
someone said a thing to me
and i'm remembering some memories now

i haven't shared this particular one i'm about to share with anyone yet
but
it needs to be said
because today is the day i realised where i was not in the wrong.
i was not in the wrong here.

(tw for idk??? pedophelia perhaps??)

It's always good to recognize when you were not at fault for something. That person is, Ironically, a …. Not cool individual. I forgot that I don't swear for a second there. well, My point stands.
I'm glad you have realized this because you are right, that is on him. You are not at fault you did not have the knowledge to understand what was happening, it's the same thing as if you were drunk, You did not have access to the knowledge, so you could not make an informed choice therefor he is in the wrong.
No, you weren't dumb, not being informed, isn't being dumb. Innocence is not stupidity.

thank you <3

it's still kind of hard to remember it wasn't my fault and tbh i question that a lot now ahahahhaha
but i'm trying my best to remember

Same.

bro i have Seen your poetry. you Are the one who is getting the respect

Non. But thanks.

My period app and my mom think it's possible I have endometriosis. So that's fanfuckingtastic. My cycle has been ruining my life since it began. Everything about it sucks. Every part of the cycle sucks. I can't get a break from this stupid uterus. I'm practically constantly in pain.
Also I wish my school had a gender neutral bathroom. Sometimes it's funny and makes me feel good, but other times I'm sick of walking out of a stall to shut up a whole group of girls and hear them whisper about me- "is that a guy?"
Like sometimes it's the confusion that makes me euphoric, cuz androgyny is what I'm going for, but they don't need to stare at me the whole time I'm washing my hands. I get enough stares going in and out of the bathroom anyway, now that I'm in here just let me do what I need to do.

Oh yikes. My mother has endometriosis and thinks I might have it too. Especially because on their side of the family, a lot of people have it. Like my cousins, grandmother, aunts, and others.

um, i just read a dm, from four days ago, and have a sinking feeling. just overall dread. the message was nothing but polite, they noted that i am a strong person and they probably will never talk to me again. okay, i had let them know that i don't want to be friends anymore. i blocked them on here, and any other socials we talked on. i don't know why they still were able to message me here after i had blocked them. i don't know why reading their message made me so shaky. i don't like it<3

today is gonna be a bad day i can tell jkdwndbwwn
i had a really bad nightmare last night and now i don't wanna face the other person who was in my dream (that person being my mom) because in my nightmare she said the art i work so hard to make sucks and she's my only support system in this house and i'm scared because what if i ask her what she thinks about my art and she says what she said in the nightmare i dbhejbjhcbchjecb

this may be a stupid reason to start crying my eyes out but at the same time i just hhh

Spoiler - click to show.

I am tearing up and I'm on the verge of crying- I just watched a Documentary- A sad- Sad one… Lot's of death-

I'm here. Do you want to talk about it?

Spoiler - click to show.

I am tearing up and I'm on the verge of crying- I just watched a Documentary- A sad- Sad one… Lot's of death-

I'm here. Do you want to talk about it?

Sure-