forum Please let me critique your characters, I'm procrastinating and need something to do.

Started July 21, 2020 by @kiley_arrants Premium Supporter

tune

I'm not a professional or anything but I can help give honest feedback and pointers on your characters!

Elyas: Elyas
Zephyr: Zephyr
^These two are still a work in process :]

@wetsock okay so for Elyas (i love his name btw)
The first thing I noticed was for him was both weight and height aren't specified. I guess I don't know what average would be, so it would be good to specify exactly how much he weighs and how tall he is, it can make a big difference in visualizing a character. You can look up weight and height sheets that are specific to a certain age group on google. But, if it works for you, then it's fine. As long as you can visualize your character well.

For his nature sheet, it's pretty bare. Things like mannerisms and flaws and motivations really help to flesh out a character. So if he likes helping people, maybe he has a few mannerisms that go along with that. You say he is skilled with medicine, so maybe he finds himself almost unconsciously following the sounds of things like coughing, or finds himself wandering into sick bays etc. I'm not sure if that makes sense, and it's just a suggestion! There's a lot of different ways to fidget, to. Go into depth about how he acts when he's nervous, excited, happy, relaxed, tired, stressed, etc. Maybe even his speech patterns. These will help develop the character and help you get a better sense of who he is. For flaws, overly-cautious is a good one! Maybe just go a bit more into depth as to what that looks like. Is he a germophobe? Does he take an uncanny amount of time to make important decisions? Other things could go into mannerisms to flesh out his overly-cautios personality, like is he always washing his hands? Does he prefer to wear gloves? How does he react in a situation where he doesn't have much control, or time, therefor he has to leave his caution behind for a moment? His introverted personality could go both into flaws and mannerisms. For things like flaws, does he get snappy when he's been around people for too long and feels drained? Can he get overwhelmed easily in new situations? (I'm an introvert as well haha so I'm just pulling things from my own experience) And as for mannerisms, does he tend to avoid eye contact? Does he make himself look smaller in a room full of people?

His background is pretty solid, my only thing here would be to explain what exactly the Vermilion bird is in either his background or his notes. Also, I would go into depth about how he exactly he lost his sight (or if it was just unexplainable then your good) was it a medical condition? Go into depth about how the earring works exactly, this could go along with simply explaining what the Vermilion bird is. Going into how he learned to control the fire power to could be helpful. In his background you have the line, "He was one of the few spared from her storm." Go more into detail what that means exactly, because it could go a number of different ways. But if it makes sense to you, then just keep it because that's all that matters.
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For Zephyr, again I would go into detail about what average weight is and what exactly tall looks like. Because tall for a girl could be 5'5" or 6'0" going in depth will help you and anyone else better visualize.

Your nature sheet is pretty good here, again I would just go deeper into mannerisms. How does she act when she's excited, happy, sad? These, though they seem small, really help to round out a character. Maybe into flaws as well. With her background, is she easily angered or snappy? Is she more headstrong? Does she tend to reject help?

Her background is good, I would go more into depth as to 1: What exactly a sea dragon is, and 2: What does her street performing look like? At first I thought it would be music, but now I'm thinking it involves her talent of controlling wind and water. Go more into depth about how her mother saved her and the townsfolk anger. I'm sure that was a traumatizing experience. Don't be afraid to get long with your backgrounds! I really love her story though, she seems like such a cool character.

(you don't have to) but finding a picture or piece of artwork that you think looks like your character as well could be good for visualizing. I use pinterest, haha, but you don't have to.

All in all, I loved both these characters, and they have a lot of potential. Right now, they aren't very fleshed out, but you said they were a work in progress so I'm sure they will get there! Everything I said to is just a suggestion, don't feel like you have to do anything I listed. If what you put for your characters makes sense to you then go ahead and keep it!

@wetsock okay so for Elyas (i love his name btw)
The first thing I noticed was for him was both weight and height aren't specified. I guess I don't know what average would be, so it would be good to specify exactly how much he weighs and how tall he is, it can make a big difference in visualizing a character. You can look up weight and height sheets that are specific to a certain age group on google. But, if it works for you, then it's fine. As long as you can visualize your character well.

For his nature sheet, it's pretty bare. Things like mannerisms and flaws and motivations really help to flesh out a character. So if he likes helping people, maybe he has a few mannerisms that go along with that. You say he is skilled with medicine, so maybe he finds himself almost unconsciously following the sounds of things like coughing, or finds himself wandering into sick bays etc. I'm not sure if that makes sense, and it's just a suggestion! There's a lot of different ways to fidget, to. Go into depth about how he acts when he's nervous, excited, happy, relaxed, tired, stressed, etc. Maybe even his speech patterns. These will help develop the character and help you get a better sense of who he is. For flaws, overly-cautious is a good one! Maybe just go a bit more into depth as to what that looks like. Is he a germophobe? Does he take an uncanny amount of time to make important decisions? Other things could go into mannerisms to flesh out his overly-cautios personality, like is he always washing his hands? Does he prefer to wear gloves? How does he react in a situation where he doesn't have much control, or time, therefor he has to leave his caution behind for a moment? His introverted personality could go both into flaws and mannerisms. For things like flaws, does he get snappy when he's been around people for too long and feels drained? Can he get overwhelmed easily in new situations? (I'm an introvert as well haha so I'm just pulling things from my own experience) And as for mannerisms, does he tend to avoid eye contact? Does he make himself look smaller in a room full of people?

His background is pretty solid, my only thing here would be to explain what exactly the Vermilion bird is in either his background or his notes. Also, I would go into depth about how he exactly he lost his sight (or if it was just unexplainable then your good) was it a medical condition? Go into depth about how the earring works exactly, this could go along with simply explaining what the Vermilion bird is. Going into how he learned to control the fire power to could be helpful. In his background you have the line, "He was one of the few spared from her storm." Go more into detail what that means exactly, because it could go a number of different ways. But if it makes sense to you, then just keep it because that's all that matters.
__
For Zephyr, again I would go into detail about what average weight is and what exactly tall looks like. Because tall for a girl could be 5'5" or 6'0" going in depth will help you and anyone else better visualize.

Your nature sheet is pretty good here, again I would just go deeper into mannerisms. How does she act when she's excited, happy, sad? These, though they seem small, really help to round out a character. Maybe into flaws as well. With her background, is she easily angered or snappy? Is she more headstrong? Does she tend to reject help?

Her background is good, I would go more into depth as to 1: What exactly a sea dragon is, and 2: What does her street performing look like? At first I thought it would be music, but now I'm thinking it involves her talent of controlling wind and water. Go more into depth about how her mother saved her and the townsfolk anger. I'm sure that was a traumatizing experience. Don't be afraid to get long with your backgrounds! I really love her story though, she seems like such a cool character.

(you don't have to) but finding a picture or piece of artwork that you think looks like your character as well could be good for visualizing. I use pinterest, haha, but you don't have to.

All in all, I loved both these characters, and they have a lot of potential. Right now, they aren't very fleshed out, but you said they were a work in progress so I'm sure they will get there! Everything I said to is just a suggestion, don't feel like you have to do anything I listed. If what you put for your characters makes sense to you then go ahead and keep it!

Thanks for the advice! I'll make sure to follow it :)

Could you do my guy? :)

Probably regular mode??:

HARDMODE:

@Oakley-is-Oaken-Bull
So, for Titan.
This is just a suggestion but for weight wise you can look for average weights for taller groups of people and take from his build as well. But since he's not human this might not work for him, so just ignore this if that's the case.

Also I notice in your identifying marks & in his personality type you talk about him from what I'm assuming is a different characters view point, which is fine, but it may be more helpful to talk about things like his facial features and his viewpoint on the world, other people, and emotions from your viewpoint so it's less of a "maybe, she doesn't know" kind of thing if that makes sense? Like, I assume you know why his facial features are the way they are and I assume you know if he can love, and whether he knows if he's not human. It would just be more beneficial to speak of it in your POV as the creator so you can also have a better gripping on his character and why he does the things he does (I'm sure you already do, but it would just show better and really help you get into his head) I hope that made sense haha! But despite that, I really love how you describe him. Like, seriously. I love this character.

Don't use "I think" in your views on him, you should know what he's good at and what he's not. You say your think he'd be great at knitting? Just make him good at knitting! Or something along the lines of "it was confusing for him at first but he got the hang of it" something like that. It just gives more facts about him instead of just a "he might be good at this idk" kinda feel.

I would go more into depth as to what these missions are, whos sending him there, and why he's being sent to do them.

That's really all I have for you, and those are only little nit-picky things. I LOVE this character. So much. He's the cutest thing ever. The way you wrote out his character is great and kept me interested the entire time. He's very well developed, and interesting.

Ok I have one character but she has two character pages, one for her younger self and one for her older self.
Azizia 14: Azizia Wayland (14)
Azizia 19: Azizia Wayland

Aaahhh thank-you!! I'm so glad you liked him, he's my baby <3
And thank-you, that's all great advice <3 I have the problem of slipping into the style of writing I use with my books when descibing they're characters, and as such I ended up being vague about stuff xDD Thanks for pointing that out!
I really appreciate it! ^^

@Oakley-is-Oaken-Bull of course! and i get the writing style thing i find myself doing that to ahahaha. but you had a lot of good details and i could really visualize him

Aww, lovely <3 tysm!

@AloeVera
Yuki
I would just explain what his race is either in notes or in his nature sheet somewhere. Explain why he dislikes fire and why it's a flaw. He's a know it all, so could he also tend to be over-confident? Also go a bit deeper into his alcholism. Does it make him quick tempered? Is he an angry drunk? Can he be snappy? Moody? He also seems a bit headstrong, that could go into flaws as well. Does he brush off help? Also, his responsibility with alcohol kind of contradicts his condition. I understand where it comes from, but from how bad an alchohilc it seems he is, alcohol becomes a dependant and it's hard for those with this condition to function normally without it, and usually they do not think much of the money they are spending on the substance (I speak from my own experience of living with struggling alchohlics) From the way it seems Yuki relies on alcohol, it seems logical that he would do anything in his power to always have alcohol on hand, even if it meant going into debt or using the small amount of money earned to buy more. (this is only an assumption, I definitely understand the responsibility of his character since it seems he has to be responsible to survive.) This is just a suggestion, though. Alchohlism can go both ways, I'm just speaking from what I've seen!

For mannerisms, add a bit more. How does he look in a room full of people he doesn't know? Does he tend to make himself look smaller or bigger? How does he look and act when he feels comfortable? What is his sense of humor? Little things to help round him out a bit more.

I would also explain what exactly his religion is. Or not. This is just a suggestion, so since it's linked you don't have to.

Backstory is really solid! And would be a good place to explain what exactly the Shinel are and why exactly the humans feared them. Was it built on prejudices and stories, or did something happen to make humans fear them?

This isn't a critique I just really like how you added in similar characters and extra questions!

That's really all I have for Yuki. He's overall really well developed and it was pretty hard for me to find stuff to critique! I really liked this character. & I feel bad for him poor bb :(
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Jean
This isn't a critique but I really love how you added examples of how each characters voice sounds!!

First impression is that you really like putting your characters through some SHIT LMAO YOU'RE MAKING ME FEEL SO BAD FOR THEM

For mannerisms, again, go more in depth with little things. It's pretty solid, but just add a few things like how he acts around his friend? Is there a way to tell when he's particularly angry or about to burst? This is just nit-picky, but I feel like it can be important. No one is as composed as you make him seem in his mannerisms, and with his personality and flaws it seems a bit unrealistic that he would be so composed at all times.

HAHAHHHaHA I really relate to Jean's "I hate America" stance lmaooo. I HATE IT HERE

That's literally all I have for him. I'm sorry there's not more but I literally couldn't find anything. He is SO well developed that it was hard for me to even come up with one thing. I love him though. If you end up writing some kind of book surrounding his character I would love to read it.

Oh no! Did I forget to link the Shinel race page? I can go fix that haha.
I could have sworn I specified the reasonining behind his fear lol, thanks for pointing it out! Also, thank you for the info about alcoholism lol, definitely gonna have to be more specific on that. This is also helpful w the mannerisms. I am kinda bad abt getting into detail on mannerisms :')
Also yeah I really chose the darkest backstory characters for you to critique but they're all pretty sad,,,,,,whoops
Thanks for the Jean help! I call him hardmode because he's been put through SO many critiques to the point that a lot of people can't come up with anything but I'm glad you did have something! Also !! Jean does happen to be the one guy who's got the most content for others to see on this website.
His friend Anubis was created by my friend, and we're currently writing the first draft of their story. It's bare bones obviously but it is something you can look at!
https://www.notebook.ai/forum/roleplaying/dis-private-yo here it is!
There's also a second thread we have where we just write a bunch of AUs because we were procrastinating the canon story,,,,,,,,,that one's fun,,,,,,LOL

Jean is definitely not my favorite character whatareyoutalkingabout

Anyway big bigthanks for critiquing my characters! You really did help!!

@AloeVera I just looked back and you did link the page lmao I'm just actually stupid and didn't see it for some reason I'm sorry.
And I'm definitely gonna check out any Jean content you make hahaha I love his character ! And of course, it was no problem!

Could you take a look at my 2 mains when you get the chance ?
Garret
Dani
Thank you !!

Could you do my girl Nessa?: Princess Nessaluna Fangborne

@kiley_arrants
Ahaha okay cool I hadn't gotten around to fixing that yet but I'm glad it already is, don't worry abt it though I'm stupid all the time i feel u:')
Also awesome! Apologies for the canon story thread, it really is like first draft kinda stuff, we're just tryna figure out the plot and stuff ya know (but i won't apologize for any pain the au's bring,,,,,,those are my proudest works >:))

@Relsey
I'm just going to group both younger and older Azizia together since they're pretty similar.
Honestly, for personality you could just mix the two if you wanted. Just pick traits from each personality type you feel fit her, and use them. This is just a suggestion, though. You should definitely go more into detail with her personality, though, as well as flaws. It's hard for me to come to conclusions about her character without a good idea as to who she is. For flaws, go more in depth with them. How does she act when she feels trapped? She seems like she could be stubborn, maybe even a jealous type with her need to be involved with everything? I could be wrong, but that's just what that feels like to me as flaw. Does she get upset when she's left out? Things like that well help round her out more. My advice is to just really go in depth with her flaws, little things.

Mannerisms, I say this SO MUCH but I love them and I feel like they really help round out a character and help the writer get into their head. Little things go along way, if you can't think of any you can use lists on google. Think of how she speaks, walks, acts. How would she act when she's comfortable? Afraid? Nervous? Excited? Sad? What's her tell when she lies? Does she talk with her hands? Things like that really do go a long way.

Her background is solid. You should explain what exactly a Senvien is. I'm picturing a fantasy elf like character (if you've read The Cruel Prince, I'm imaging Holly Blacks version of the Fae) but I'm not sure if that's right or not. Since she is apart of the royal family, it would be good to have a politics section for her. It'd be good to add her views on the monarchy and her role in it. One thing I'm confused about is what happened to her parents? I get they were infested but, are they still alive and kept away from power or are they dead? Maybe you mentioned it somewhere and I missed it, if you did I apologize, but this would be a good thing to add in. I also feel that with her having to kill her own sibling there should have been a lot more internalized grief and hatred, but it seemed a bit glossed over. Not being able to touch smaller weapons is a start, but there should be more that goes into her grief and anger.

That's really all I have for her. Everything was pretty solid there were just a few things I felt were too glossed over with her character that should have had a harder more realistic impact. Right now, she's seems like a glossy version of a character. Adding to her flaws and personality will definitely help round her out more. I'm sorry that there wasn't much, and I hope this all made sense! If anything didn't, please tell me and I'll clarify! She's an interesting character, and so is her story.

Thank you for looking her over for me!
The reason I have two different character sheets for her is because she evolves over time, seeing where she started helps me figure out where she is now. She has different struggles and fears as an older person than she does when she was 14.
I've done a lot of writing with past versions of Azizia but with the current version I haven't done as much writing so her personality and mannerisms I haven't pinned down yet which is why they are more sparse. I do a bunch of test writing with a character to figure out what works and I haven't done enough writing to fully understand who she is enough to put it into concrete words.
I guess it's just so solid in my mind what happened to her family that I forgot to include it. SO I guess I'll explain it now. Her mother and brother got infected fist followed by her sister, her dad was already dead. Her mother and sister died at the same time but Cador seemed to get better only to be controlled by the sickness and Attack Azizia who, in an act of self defense, ended up killing him.
Azizia purposefully pushes away the feelings and emotions surrounding her families deaths. Part of her younger selves character arc involves being able to express and come to terms with it instead of ignoring it. Right now it shows through in bursts, I imagine her current emotional state like a fault line with a lot of tension on it. To relive the tension we end up with earthquakes, or in her case a mental break down, these can be so small they aren't felt or noticed and also large enough to topple buildings.
I'm working on typing up a Senvien page but I haven't finished it yet, once I have it all together I will be sure to attach it to her page.

@Relsey ahhh okay that makes a lot of sense. And I figured you knew what happened to her family but just didn't put it down haha because that'd be a pretty crucial part to not know. Her arc is fantastic, thank you for clarifying! If you end up writing a story or anything for this character I'd love to read it!

@Relsey ahhh okay that makes a lot of sense. And I figured you knew what happened to her family but just didn't put it down haha because that'd be a pretty crucial part to not know. Her arc is fantastic, thank you for clarifying! If you end up writing a story or anything for this character I'd love to read it!

I have it mostly mapped out I just have to write it, I'll let you know when it's ready for reading.

Could you perhaps do Azami?

@stolenbrocoli
I had everything typed out and then I CLOSED THE TAB so here's me starting over.
(Sorry in advance if any of this comes off harsh or rushed, It's 3 in the morning, I can't sleep, I just downed 2 monsters with my anti-depressents hahaha. All of this is suggestion!)

Garret
Personality. What you have is good, now add more. there's got to be more to him than timid and quiet. From what I've read from his character, he seems like he would fit the ISTJ personality well. I could be wrong, but you can check out a description of ISTJ here: http://www.personalitypage.com/html/ISTJ.html
You can pick and choose different traits you think would fit him from this description. Or if I'm dead wrong and this doesn't fit him at all, ignore that lol. Try to incorporate his background into his personality. You say he has a weird mix of both narcissism and insecurity? Find a way to put those into his personality. Does he make himself smaller or larger in a group of people? Does he tend to boast about his insecurities instead of confronting them? Does he take these insecurities out on other people? Find a way to incorporate his skills with hacking into his personality as welI. Does he think in a problem-solution kind of way? His obsessiveness seems like a big deal, add it to his personality instead of just his flaws. His shortcomings are apart of his personality as well.

Mannerisms. You're very vague. There's many different ways of fidgeting, name the specific way he fidgets. Does he wring his hands? Crack his knuckles and fingers when nervous or speaking? Does he bounce his leg? Tap his fingers? Click pens? Move in his seat? Fiddle with pencils? Does he rub his pointer finger against his thumb, or his thumb against his pinky? Get specific. With everything. He's awkward and quiet, so does he tend to avoid eye contact? Speak quieter? Belittle his opinions in front of others? Also, take into account how he acts when he's alone as well. Or how he acts around his father, or authority figures. Little things make a big difference in story telling.

Motivations. Again, get specific. This doesn't just have to be in the motivations, but in the things propelling him to save his mother, to become a new person, and to survive. From my viewpoint, and from what I've read, Garret doesn't seem like he truly cares about much. So what is his reasoning for wanting to survive? To become a new person? If he isn't passionate about much, what exactly is pushing him towards these motivations. Think, "why?"

Background. What you have is great, keep it, add more. You don't say how he finds out about The Trackers, or why he needs them for extra money. Explain why his freshman year got interrupted (I assume it's because of the bombing but it might be good to specify.) Explain what made him obsessive. Go in depth with his background. Also, I want to know his views on his father. It might be good to add that in as well. Does he resent him for the awkwardness between the two of them, or does he wish for some sort of relationship? It seems neither of them really know how to put in that effort for a relationship. Talk about how he learned hacking and how he became skilled with it.

Talk more about the bombings. It seems pretty important, add it in Garret's background. There was never really an explanation for why they happened, and I assume you have one but it's just not written down.
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Dani
First impression: I love her.

Mannerisms. Add more. Speech patterns, how she walks, tells that she's slipping into a depressive episodes, tells that she's going into a manic episode. Build off her flaws in her mannerisms as well. She's immature, so does she laugh at the wrong times, when she's nervous, at crude jokes? Talk about her sense of humor. Does she enjoy crude jokes, dry humor, playful jabs? One thing you could alter is that in her flaws you list that she acts superior to others, most people who do this tend to hold themselves taller and straighter, as if to assert some kind of dominance. This could be something to consider. She could also walk hurriedly, or with a sense of importance.

Flaws. Great, I love how fleshed out she is. Build more off her mental illness. Little things. Hygeine things. In depressive episodes it can be hard to make yourself do little things, like washing your hair in the shower, or brushing your teeth, or just washing your face before bed, or even just getting up to go to the bathroom. When going into depressive episodes, or in depressive episodes, these things seem like they take so much more effort than the person is willing to give. You could add poor habits like these into her flaws to round her out a bit more. (This is just a suggestion, and me speaking from personal experience. Depressive episodes and depression in general looks different for everyone.)

I KNEW SHE WOULD BE A SAGITTARIUS I SWEAR I WAS THINKING IT BEFORE I READ IT

Also I gotta stan simply because of the music selection. Grlwood? Banger. MCR? banger. $uicideBoy$? banger.

My only advice for her background (it's definitely not super important and you don't have to) but talk a bit about her being Wiccan (I LOVE THAT SHE'S WICCAN SO MUCH I LITERALLY LOVE THIS GIRL) As someone who's just beginning to learn and study the basics of both Wiccan and witchcraft, it takes a lot of time, and I think it'd be beneficial to go more in depth in her background somewhere. Where did she learn about it from? Was someone else in her family Wiccan? Things like that. Also, again, talk a bit about the bombing.

That is all I have for you. Danica definitely felt a lot more fleshed out than Garret, but I loved both of them. Whatever your working on with these characters, I can tell it's gonna be good. You have two really strong protagonists.

@polkadots11
(I'm giving you the same warning/apology lol except now it's 4 in the morning and I still haven't slept and I have too much energy, so if any of this seems rushed or harsh, I apologize. I just don't know how act right on 2 monsters. Everything I say is simply suggestion. Thanks luv)

Nessa

Flaws. There could be more. The way she acted out of rage towards William for not wanting to be immortal could be a flaw. Stubborn or impulsive, maybe? Reckless? I feel like flaws and mannerisms go a long way to round out and shape a character. Stubborn is something I could realistically see Nessa being. Use her personality as well to build flaws. Does her desire to believe the best of everybody often get her in trouble? Is she too trusting?

Mannerisms. Take her flaws and build off them. She's fearful, so how does she change when she's afraid? Her body language, speech, facial expressions. What's her tell when she's lying?

Politics. Her being apart of a monarchy and royal family but not being involved with politics sort of directly contradict each other. I assume that if you are apart of a royal family you are directly correlated with politics. In my opinion she should have stronger, more concrete beliefs in politics since it's what she's grown up around, but that's just my opinion and Nessa is not my character so, that's up to you. I can definitely see where you're coming from with her stance.

Background. The only thing I can say is maybe talk a bit more about vampires. Or just like, what their rules are? Can these vampires go out in the sun?

That's really all I have for you luv. She's really well fleshed out, just adding more to her flaws will help round her out a bit more.

@polkadots11
(I'm giving you the same warning/apology lol except now it's 4 in the morning and I still haven't slept and I have too much energy, so if any of this seems rushed or harsh, I apologize. I just don't know how act right on 2 monsters. Everything I say is simply suggestion. Thanks luv)

Nessa

Flaws. There could be more. The way she acted out of rage towards William for not wanting to be immortal could be a flaw. Stubborn or impulsive, maybe? Reckless? I feel like flaws and mannerisms go a long way to round out and shape a character. Stubborn is something I could realistically see Nessa being. Use her personality as well to build flaws. Does her desire to believe the best of everybody often get her in trouble? Is she too trusting?

Mannerisms. Take her flaws and build off them. She's fearful, so how does she change when she's afraid? Her body language, speech, facial expressions. What's her tell when she's lying?

Politics. Her being apart of a monarchy and royal family but not being involved with politics sort of directly contradict each other. I assume that if you are apart of a royal family you are directly correlated with politics. In my opinion she should have stronger, more concrete beliefs in politics since it's what she's grown up around, but that's just my opinion and Nessa is not my character so, that's up to you. I can definitely see where you're coming from with her stance.

Background. The only thing I can say is maybe talk a bit more about vampires. Or just like, what their rules are? Can these vampires go out in the sun?

That's really all I have for you luv. She's really well fleshed out, just adding more to her flaws will help round her out a bit more.

Thank you!