forum Asexuality and Aromanticism

Started July 14, 2020 by @berlioz

tune

Welcome!

Have a character who's on the ace spectrum? The aro spectrum? Maybe both? Not quite sure how to write their experience? Have a friend who just came out to you? Just curious about the ace and aro spectrums? You've come to the right place! The ace/aro community of Notebook is here to help answer all your questions!

First, some ground rules.

1. No hate speech. There are bound to be topics of acephobia if this thing gets attention, but they better be conducted in a respectful manner or I'm coming at you. Respect other people's identities.

2. No question is a stupid question. Ask away! We're here to help you better understand the A in LGBTQIA+.

3. To the question-answerers, see above. Treat every question-asker with respect and every question with care.

There is a vocabulary list for you to look through below. If you want more specifics on a word or identity, just ask! Try to be clear with your question though. Maybe someday the aro/ace-specs of Notebook will write articles on common misconceptions and FAQs, if this gets enough attention. Happy learning!

Ace aro here, just wanted to say i’m glad you created this topic.

VOCABULARY LIST

Before reading, it's important to note that these identities don't imply specific gender attractions, rather how someone experiences attraction (if at all) to others regardless of gender. Most of these definitions were paraphrased from LGBTA fandom wiki.
https://lgbta.wikia.org/wiki/LGBTA_Wiki
(Alsoit'snotinalphabeticalorderbecauseI'mlazyyyywhooooops.)

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ASEXUAL IDENTITIES

Allosexual: Someone who experiences regular sexual attraction.

Asexual: Someone who experiences no sexual attraction.

Asexual spectrum or ace spectrum: The spectrum from allosexual to asexual where identities fall for people who experience little to no sexual attraction. (see Grey-asexual)

Ace or ace-spec: Umbrella terms used for people with identities on the asexual spectrum.

Grey-asexual or grey-sexual: Someone who experiences little, scant, or dull sexual attraction. Grey ace identities take up the middle part of the ace spectrum, so there are quite a few. Some may choose to identify as just grey ace, other may choose a specific label. Another word for grey ace is grace.

Demisexual: Someone who experiences sexual attraction only in a dynamic where there is a stong emotional bond, meaning they don't have attraction towards strangers or lesser relationships.

Cupiosexual: An asexual who desires sexual intimacy or a sexual relationship.

Aceflux: Someone whose identity and orientation may change or fluctuate, but generally stays somewhere on the ace spectrum.

Apothiosexual: An asexual who is sex repulsed (see Attitudes) and not seeking out a sexual relationship.

Acespike: a type of grey-ace who usually experiences no sexual attraction, but will occasionally feel intense feelings of sexual attraction for a short amount of time.

Zedsexual: Another term for allosexual.

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AROMANTIC IDENTITIES

Alloromantic: Someone who experiences regular romantic attraction.

Aromantic: Someone who experiences no romantic attraction.

Aromantic spectrum or aro spectrum: The spectrum from alloromantic to aromantic where identities fall for people who experience little to no romantic attraction.

Aro or aro-spec: Umbrella terms used for people with identities on the aromantic spectrum.

Grey-aromantic or grey-romantic: Someone who experiences little, scant, or dull romantic attraction. Grey aro identities take up the middle part of the aro spectrum, so there are quite a few. Some may choose to identify as just grey aro, other may choose a specific label. Another word for grey aro is grey-ro.

Demiromantic: Someone who experiences romantic attraction only in a dynamic where there is a stong emotional bond, meaning they don't have attraction towards strangers or lesser relationships.

Cupioromantic: An aromantic who desires romantic intimacy or a romantic relationship.

Aroflux: Someone whose identity and orientation may change or fluctuate, but generally stays somewhere on the ace spectrum.

Apothioromantic: An aromantic who is romance repulsed and not seeking out a romantic relationship.

Arospike: a type of grey-aro who usually experiences no romantic attraction, but will occasionally feel intense feelings of romantic attraction for a short amount of time.

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COMBINED IDENTITIES

Aroace: Someone who is both asexual and aromantic.

Oriented aroace: An aromatic asexual who experiences a strong tertiary attraction (see Attractions) and may seek a relationship based on that attraction.

Angled aroace: An amid person (see below) who experiences a strong tertiary attraction and may seek a relationship based on that attraction.

Mid: A catch all term for people who are on both the ace and aro spectrums but may not be strictly asexual or aromantic.

Amid: Someone who is on both the aro spectrum and the ace spectrum, but are not strictly aromantic or asexual. For example, a grey-romantic demisexual would be considered amid.

Acemid: Someone who is asexual and on the aromantic spectrum, but not strictly aromantic. For example, someone who is a grey-romantic asexual would be considered acemid.

Aromid: Someone who is aromantic and on the asexual spectrum, but not strictly asexual. For example, someone who is an aromantic demisexual would be considered aromid.

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ATTRACTIONS

Attraction: A certain pull, desire, or type of appreciation towards other people

Sexual attraction: Sexual attraction is attraction on the basis of sexual desire or the quality of arousing such interest (thanks Wiki).

Romantic attraction: Romantic attraction is an emotional response, which most people experience at one point or another, that results in a desire for a romantic relationship with the recipient (thanks AVEN)

Platonic attraction: desiring friendship with a specific person.

Tertiary attraction: A significant attraction that's not sexual or romantic in nature. Tertiary attraction is a complicated topic so I'll link this article. If you scroll down it gives a few examples of different tertiary attraction.
https://lgbta.wikia.org/wiki/Tertiary_Attraction

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ATTITUDES

Sex positive: Someone who veiws sex in a positive light and may pursue a sexual relationship.

Sex negative: Someone who veiws sex in a negative light and may not pursue a sexual relationship.

Sex neutral: Someone who doesn't have an opinion or any strong feelings regarding sex. They may feel indifferent about pursuing a sexual relationship.

Sex repulsed: Someone who is repulsed by sex and may not pursue a sexual relationship.

Sex averse: Someone who is not quite repulsed by sex, but more made uncomfortable by it.

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RELATIONSHIPS

Queerplatonic relationships or QPRs: Loving, commited relationships that are common in the aromantic community. They aren't usually romantic or sexual in nature, rather based on intense and intimate platonic feelings. These may also be based off tertiary attractions.

Aplatonic: Aplotonic, breaking the pattern of the "a" prefix, does not refer to someone who doesn't experience platonic attraction. Rather, it refers to an aromantic person who is not seeking a QPR.

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SLANG AND SYMBOLS FROM THE COMMUNITY

AVEN: The Asexual Visibility and Education Network. This website offers forums for ace users to feel a sense of community, as well as educate the rest of society about the ace spectrum. They also release the asexual census every year.
https://www.asexuality.org/

AUREA: The Aromantic spectrum Union for Recognition, Education, and Advocacy. Similar to AVEN, but a younger website and for aromanticism. They also have begun to release the aromantic census.
https://www.aromanticism.org/

Asexy: uses by aces to describe something they like. Anything can be asexy, from a person to a book shelf.

Bambi: Usually in reference to alloromantic asexuals who have a special affinity with cuddling and kissing rather than sex.

The Black Ring: A black ring is worn on the right hand middle finger of an ace to represent their identity and signal to other aces. It's a symbol of pride in the community.

Card Carrying ace/aro: Since asexuality and aromanticism can be hard to explain, those on the spectrums may carry cards holding definitions to their orientations for a quick and easy coming out experience. https://www.asexualityarchive.com/card-carrying-asexual/

Cake: Asexuals are often said to be more interested in cake than sex. Now, cake is a well known symbol in the ace community.

Playing Cards: Some ace playing cards are associated with ace identities-
Ace of Spades- aromantic asexual
Ace of Hearts- alloromantic asexual
Ace of Clubs- Grey-aces
Ace of Diamonds- Demisexuals

Dragons: There's a joke that asexuals/aromantics are like dragons- they're majestic creatures, but no one believes they exist. Amoebas and Axlotls are also ace prode symbols.

Apple: Short for aplatonic (see Relationships).

Zucchini: Used by those in a QPR the same way as you would use "boyfriend" or "girlfriend". Saying "zucchini" highlights the intimate platonic nature of the QPR.

Squish: like a crush, but platonic in nature.

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Alright boyos that's all we've got so far! If you know more vocabulary or something else to add to these lists, just say so and I'll edit it in. I'm sure we're missing a ton. Correct me on anything I've gotten wrong. Ask us about the specifics!

A definitely an aro possibly an ace (It's a constant back and forth) here also glad to see it here. I'm happy to answer any questions with my own take :)

I was literally trying to work on an Ace character, and might have questions later. As long as that's alright with you.

noice

I’m a questioning demi in a relationship, so I hope I am of assistance to this chat!

I had no idea so many terms existed to explain the varying degrees of sexual attraction. This is really informative, thank you.

Informative is the word.

Asexual, questioning my romantic orientation. I want a close bond but idk if I want it to be romantic love. I just want to be loved lol

I don't think I noted my presence. I feel like most people know I'm aroace. Mayyybe grey-ro. Not really sure. And I have an extreme aesthetic attraction to girls and moderately to boys

I identified as Demisexual but am now questioning I dont know what I am now

Hey, so I've got a question:

In my story, I've got an asexual character (Zenith) in love with an aromantic character (Jayden), do you have any advice for how I could go about making Zenith be respectful when he's told about it? I want them to have a friendship, but Zenith to still be in love with Jayden and to express this even though he knows that nothing will come of it.

Hopefully this makes sense…?

I'm demisexual myself, so I can also maybe help answer questions.
Also, I have a question about ace/allo relationships, specifically because I'm writing a pairing like that (actually there's a poly relationship, so it's a little more complex than that??? But oh well.)

Hey, so I've got a question:

In my story, I've got an asexual character (Zenith) in love with an aromantic character (Jayden), do you have any advice for how I could go about making Zenith be respectful when he's told about it? I want them to have a friendship, but Zenith to still be in love with Jayden and to express this even though he knows that nothing will come of it.

Hopefully this makes sense…?

Depending on Zenith and Jayden's personalities and their existing or non-existing platonic relationship, being respectful could mean a lot of things.
You could have Zenith confess. Jayden explain. Zenith ask a few questions not too many (or none at all) and they become friends or closer friends now that Jayden is out to Zenith. Though Zenith would just bury his feelings deep for a while, not letting them get in the way. Later he could confront them (his feelings) And overcome them, realizing he really likes Jayden but being friends is a millions times better than making Jayden feel terrible and possibly ending their friendship.
You could have Jayden pick up on Zenith's crush, Jayden feel weird about or something along those lines. Maybe have Jayden confront Zenith asking if he had any romantic feelings toward them, if he says he does, Jayden could tell him they're aro and Zenith could maybe feel bad about feeling those feelings for Jayden, but still felt them and not getting to tell Jayden about them, Jayden just finding out and confronting him maybe made him feel different, like he can't believe himself for feeling this way but doesn't know how to overcome it (So he doesn't want to be romantically attracted to Jayden but he feels he can't help it)

(I don't know, never had a crush, super aro, (and ace)
Hope this helps at least a bit.

So what does it mean to be aro? Or really, why is romantic attraction different than really strong friendship?

When your aro, you don't feel romantic attraction. Some aros want a romantic relationship (see cupio) and some don't (see me)
Romance: Hallmark movies, making out, passion, loooove, cuddling, dates, all that jazz
Friendship: maaaaybe kissing and cuddling, fuzzy feelings of 'I like you' or even 'I love you platonically', 'I'm really glad we hang out and talk and stuff, and I love you but I'm not in love with you'

It's kind of hard to explain the difference but there's definitely one. You've had a girlfriend before, right? Think about that vs. how you feel about your friends.

The only thing I can isolate in romantic attractions are the crush feelings. Those blasts of emotion. But those go away after awhile.
But so much that many people consider Romantic Things (holding hands, intimacy, kissing even, hugs, snuggling, sort-of-dates) can be found in other relationships.
The only thing I see is intimacy mixed with commitment. Which I have with some friends.
But that does help me isolate it a bit, so thank you.

So Octavia hates all Hallmark stuff, which is totally in character for her. But not getting it mixed with her general distaste in humanity will make it pretty funny.

It’s a little hard to define, since some friends use kisses as a way of showing affection, and some romantic partners might be chill with being in the presence of each other and nothing else.
Typically, romantic tends to be closer and more physical, but it really depends

I know this helps approximately nothing, I’ll go more in-depth and clear things up properly once I’m done eating-

Thanks.

So my question:
I have three characters who have a lot of compatibility and are definitely romantically attracted to each other, but one of them is ace. He's pretty indifferent to the idea of sex, but is usually willing to please a partner, so idk how to go about their dynamic when the other two are allo. I don't want him to be like "smol and pure" because he's really… not. And I don't want it to look like his mental illness has affected his libido because he's legitimately ace.
I guess I'm struggling with the depiction because 1. I want it to be clear he's ace, even if he does choose to sleep with his partners, 2. I don't want it to ever look like he's pressured into doing things, 3. I don't want the dynamic to ever leave him out in a weird way because he's in a poly relationship with 2 allos
Anyone have advice about this?

Heyo I can help

While my relationship just based on our morals is not sexual, we still have an understanding that ace does not mean I am uncomfortable with that type of stuff.

I think your character should have the same idea and the same energy in his relationships. His asexuality should simply be understood in the relationship. Also! a good few of aces are sexually active. Your character can still have sexual relationships and be ace. Being pressured is just based on how you write it, unfortunately. I would probably suggest the highest, though, that you assure he has given consent and he is comfortable in the bedroom.