forum I'LL CRITIQUE YOUR CHARACTERS!! [STILL OPEN]

Started October 01, 2018 by Deleted user

tune

Tysm! And with the whole Zephyrus being more powerful than his daughters, it is only because of the chunk of star. I should probably clarify that. lol. He was only able to defeat a goddess because he threatened her family.
I'll update it and make sure it makes a bit more sense. I have so many characters that I kinda rush when making them. Again, thank you!!!

Ayy tysm q3q
Imma try and fix it all, you pointed out some good things i didn't see q3q. When i said fish foods, i mean anything with fish :"))) And ye, i drew i that qwq
As for the part with the protective parents, they didn't abandon her, she was sorta taken from them (the parents are most likely dead if none came to get her back so….). I really had no idea what i was doing when i wrote down their magic, it's still a subject of debate and i haven't finished it yet, so of course it makes no sense. As for the wings, well, they work as a partial shield if she wraps herself in them and curls into a ball, you get the point
Again tysm q3q and would u mind if i send another one? qwq

aight @Snowmirror:

1. "Tsubaki (in the past)" do you mean he changed his name?
2. more identifying marks if possible, how would someone recognize him as a human?
3. maybe a bit more on body type - is he stocky or skinny? (though i kind of get what you mean by lithe)
4. "He has dyslexia in both languages he speaks" not really necessary, it's not possible to have dyslexia in one language but not another.
5. "He doesn't trust easily and keeps secrets from everyone in an effort to protect himself. " maybe try "mistrustful and secretive" for concision, but obviously it's your choice
6. "In the back of his mind, he thinks he knows best and can execute all plans without any sort of aid." so is he somewhat arrogant or is he just very independent (to the point of it being a flaw)?
7. "He's deeply sensitive and hides this sensitivity behind biting remarks and flashes of anger." so this part i kind of get but i feel like it doesn't entirely make sense - he's not really hiding sensitivity if he lashes out because of it, that's more of a symptom, though you may be right. maybe he's really defensive and pushes people away a lot? (the latter might relate to this "Letting others in is extremely hard for him.")
8. "extremely aggressive under any prodding of his past." i would call this a flaw, maybe very defensive. does he have anger issues? that could be a flaw too. he seems just generally a prickly person.
9. "He must always, always, be strong for the entire group. He will not allow himself a moment of exception." this might be too selfless - flaw maybe? idk.
10. fav. possession: is there anything that stuck with him for longer than another?
11. there are too many weapons for him to be good at all of them - does he just have basic knowledge on the use of various categories of weapons? if so, at 18 how did he get all of this knowledge?
12. "(Ruka is the reincarnation of Tsubaki)" put this in names as well! it makes a lot of sense and that's a cool idea
13. "ment" –> meant
14. so if he cut the prince how did the prince not die? did he miss?

so that's all! he's really well developed, these are all just suggestions you could take for a grain of salt if you want. great job!

@Syguy20132
so for Clownface:

1. why is age N/A?
2. rainbow would be accurate for hair color - is it a wig tho?
3. body type - try lean.
4. more identifying marks! if he's a clown, that should definitely be an identifying mark.
5. "He's a homicidal maniac.
   Angry outbursts (easily angered/annoyed)" so based on his motivations, i would say "sadistic personality" is probably a flaw (or it could go in personality, or both). also, just put easily angered/annoyed and maybe "lashes out easily", or "easily provoked", or just "anger issues". is he temperamental?
6. more personality! villains need to have nuances and be developed just as much as protagonists.
7. notes - that is disgusting, but probably an identifying mark.

for George Wintergrean:

1. "George is the man that summoned William. He provides William with a kill-list." so who is william, and is george a side character or is he central to the story?
2. "Mr. Wintergreen" or mr. wintergrean?
3. motives: revenge for what?
4. more flaws! personality flaws, specifically - while perverted is kind of a personality flaw, it's something that's fairly easily fixed if the person recognizes it. give him something harder to change.
5. hobbies - more pls. what does he do in his free time?
6. personality! what kind of person is he? e.g. what about him would cause him to think summoning a demon to kill a list of people would be a good idea?
7. fav. weapon - what. how. why.
8. i think killing someone would normally give the perpetrator a life sentence, so not sure how he got out at 50-60. did he do it under the premise of self-defense so he wasn't charged for 1st-degree murder?
9. more on early life. give him a full timeline/history. what events turned him into the person he currently is?
10. how is he rich if he's been in prison? might be a good thing for history/background.

so that's all for now! hmu if you want me to critique them again later!

ok @Kohaku
DAMN U ARE A REALLY TALENTED ARTIST GR8 JOB HOLY HECC
so

1. what does "neutral male" mean?
2. "glowing pupils" i'm going to assume by the drawing that the pupils are white, but maybe clarify that.
3. "Tall and thin (current)
   Slightly muscular/toned (former)" ? how does someone like him lose muscle mass? does he shape shift?
4. good identifying marks, maybe one or two more if possible - i'd call the red tips in his hair an identifying mark tbh
5. "(usually loafs of bread on his lion's head)" so a. do you mean he has a pet lion that follows him around? and b. "loaves"
6. "Doesn't take everything serious" do you mean he doesn't take the things he should take seriously as such or he just doesn't take things in general seriously? because the latter might not necessarily be a flaw, but the former would be.
7. "unwillingly blunt" why and how?
8. so his personality is good, but his flaws are kind of detached. if you want to make them more inherent, maybe make him a bit of a jokester, which would match up with his inability to take much seriously, and maybe he's a bit ignorant or brutally honest or something (maybe he doesn't know how to lie) and that's why he's blunt.
9. occupation - how is he a "former" prince? why is he not one now? what is he now?
10. fav. food - chocolate and tomatoes together? i'm assuming not but u know.
11. fav. weapon - a long sword or a longsword?
12. educated to what extent? what kind of knowledge does he have? is he an expert in any fields?
13. background - so what happened to that split personality? you haven't mentioned it outside of this category. also, i feel like he would be a bit less seemingly mentally stable (as you've written him in personality) with that kind of past - i think he'd be very mistrustful and probably quite forgetful, maybe with some symptoms of PTSD and other things.
14. "Currently unavailable" …due to his multi-personality disorder if i'm correct

so that's all! he's a pretty good character, but watch out for the multiple personality disorder as you've left that out of many of the other categories, but he's great other than that.
again tho i love your art omg

aight @AJ

1. i'm not sure what you mean by catalyst…
2. she's a bit heavy for a "string bean". make her probably 20 ibs lighter if you want to fit that body type.
3. how long is her hair?
4. "Bright gray" not sure how grey can be "bright", maybe just try silver or gunmetal
5. good identifying marks, but i'd say her oddly-colored eyes and bright red hair could also fit there.
6. "Cares about no one but herself; Oblivious to others' feelings " insensitive/selfish?
7. good personality details!
8. what do you mean by "average nuclear family"? that's just me being stupid sorry
9. so a bit more on early life - i don't think adhd and hypomania are necessarily conditions that can be gained later, i think they're genetic. her parents (i think) would have caught on to her having issues early on in life. also, details! what stuff did she do to get into school trouble? and to get arrested? when and where as she gone to the different reformatories?
10. gR8 ART BTW WOWZA
11. so are the songs just songs that kind of describe her?

so that's all! i love her btw. just a few details that i got a bit muddled up and that's all! great job!

i don't have permission to view them! sorry!

Oh. How to I make you able to view them?

Oh. How to I make you able to view them?

Go to the tutorials section of the forums. They’ll have it on there somewhere

@LonelyPotato Thank you for the critique! But it is possible to be dyslexic in one language and not another, especially if they use different alphabets.

@LonelyPotato Thank you for the critique! But it is possible to be dyslexic in one language and not another, especially if they use different alphabets.

OMG UR RIGHT MY BAD I WENT TO AN UNRELIABLE SOURCE HOLY HECC I'M SORRY

@LonelyPotato It's all okay! ^.^

@LonelyPotato ayy ty ty >////<
And now qwq

1. Neutral male = means he has the body build and general appearance of a male but nothing down there
2. People lose muscle mass if they quit working out and this boi here did just that
3. a.yes and b. excuse my poor grammar, english is not my first language and i speak better than i write :'))) (i also wrote that at 3 AM so i was dumber than usual :'))) )
4. Uuh, idk how to answer this one (i mess up things myself, saying stuff that kinda offend ppl even if i didn't mean to so…)
5. I'll work on that
6. He was a prince and now that his grandfather is dead, he was supposed to become the new king, but given the circumstances, he refused to take the title so i guess he's nothing right now…?
7. Not together bleh XD i should have cleared it out :')))
8. generally smart, not rlly an expert, but pretty experienced in a few fields.
9. I made a separate character sheet for the second personality where i explained him better but i should probably give him a rework
   Again, tysm for the critique, it's so helpful qwq. If u don't mind, imma send this boye (i made him last night so he's kinda chunky…)
   
   ty ty ^3^

My antagonist?

Do you mind reviewing my character? Thanks so much!

Hey, can you please (gently) critique my little gay boi? Thomas Deveraux

Hey, can you please (gently) critique my little gay boi? Thomas Deveraux

Ur content is on private o3o

@Syguy20132
so for Clownface:

1. why is age N/A?
2. rainbow would be accurate for hair color - is it a wig tho?
3. body type - try lean.
4. more identifying marks! if he's a clown, that should definitely be an identifying mark.
5. "He's a homicidal maniac.
   Angry outbursts (easily angered/annoyed)" so based on his motivations, i would say "sadistic personality" is probably a flaw (or it could go in personality, or both). also, just put easily angered/annoyed and maybe "lashes out easily", or "easily provoked", or just "anger issues". is he temperamental?
6. more personality! villains need to have nuances and be developed just as much as protagonists.
7. notes - that is disgusting, but probably an identifying mark.

for George Wintergrean:

1. "George is the man that summoned William. He provides William with a kill-list." so who is william, and is george a side character or is he central to the story?
2. "Mr. Wintergreen" or mr. wintergrean?
3. motives: revenge for what?
4. more flaws! personality flaws, specifically - while perverted is kind of a personality flaw, it's something that's fairly easily fixed if the person recognizes it. give him something harder to change.
5. hobbies - more pls. what does he do in his free time?
6. personality! what kind of person is he? e.g. what about him would cause him to think summoning a demon to kill a list of people would be a good idea?
7. fav. weapon - what. how. why.
8. i think killing someone would normally give the perpetrator a life sentence, so not sure how he got out at 50-60. did he do it under the premise of self-defense so he wasn't charged for 1st-degree murder?
9. more on early life. give him a full timeline/history. what events turned him into the person he currently is?
10. how is he rich if he's been in prison? might be a good thing for history/background.

so that's all for now! hmu if you want me to critique them again later!

Sorry that it took me so long to respond!!!!!
Clownface

1. I marked his age as N/A, because I haven't decided on his age yet and I was getting tired of seeing 'how old is Clownface' question pop up in my unanswered questions prompts thing. Lol
2. Yes, it is indeed a wig.
3. Either way works.
4. You're right on that point. I should also include identifying markings for when he's not dressed as a clown!
5. Huh, good point. I can't believe that didn't occur to me. This is what I get for doing this when I'm exhausted and haven't slept; oddly that's when my best ideas come!
6. I absolutely agree with you. I gotta admit that for this villain, I've been struggling with his psychopathic personality.
7. Indeed it is!
8. I actually have his history wrote out in my private notes section for him, for there are parts of it that would spoil the one major plot twist.

George

1. You've actually critiqued William for me before hand! :-) Truth be told, George is more of a supporting character.
2. :-O I'm glad that you caught that, I don't know how long it would've took me to notice! I have corrected the small typo as a result! :-)
3. That varries from reason to reason. He is a very vindictive man!
   4 - 6. As a supporting character, I actually haven't thought George out as much as I should've. However, I am working to 'flesh' him out more. In regards to what lead him to summoning a demon, George had become desperate for a child, and also needed a way to take care of his list without having things tracked back to him.
4. William, being a demon, is basically, more or less, 'the perfect weapon' for George to use.
   8 - 10. (I'm gonna add what I type here to his background.) George became rich before going to prison, and as a result is able to keep money in reserves through the use of his company, WintersTech (they make technologic advances, toys, and other great things). He plead temporary insanity in the trial, and was sentenced to a stay in a psychriatric prison…. In regards to 'what events turned him into the person he currently is', he's always been a vengful person to those he feels have wronged him in some shape or form. I know that this is a 'cop-out', but it's the best I can think of for the moment.

Thanks for the critiques, they're quite helpful, and you point out things that I either didn't think of or didn't notice! I think that I shall take you up on that offer! :-D Thanks!

Hey I'm not sure if this is still going on
(feel free to ignore me if you need a break or anything)
but I'd really appreciate it if you could try and parse through this sludgy mess of a main character Cassandra Levin

My antagonist?

1. "Oversized,poofy sweaters with simple grapics (His favorite has a "dead" smiley (Smiley with X eyes) on) tights (usually black) and slightly heeled shoes." do u mean too-big sweatshirts with graphics and no pants??
2. he is really short for an 18 year old…
3. more info on hair style - is his hair thick? thin? wavy? straight? how long is it not in a pony tail? how did he grow it that long?
4. more identifying marks if possible.. i would call his aesthetics an identifying mark too
5. why would he randomly shout if it gets too quiet??
6. "Will blame anything on anyone on the outside but blames himself for everything on the inside." so on the outside he appears to put the blame on everything else but in reality he thinks it's his fault?
7. "Sorting his life back toether by finding Sora and going back to Japan"?? so he thinks finding Sora and going back to Japan will sort his life out//get it together again?
8. "brutal" as in cruel or as in his methods of dealing with enemies?
9. "bossy,easily offended" flaws
10. "Overemotional, daydreamer, easily attached" more pls! and how is he easily attached and to whom? just another thing, not many of these are traits that could be a cause for joining a mob/being a villain. obviously it's how you write him tho
11. so he sounds like he has a strong moral code (if he blames himself for stuff, even if it's not his fault) so i'm not sure if someone who's overemotional would make a good assassin. if he wants to find someone and move to japan, why would he join a mob/become an assassin?
12. "But being abandoned there by an adopted Sora, who left for America a year after leaving him. " this is a really confusing sentence. do you mean sora was adopted and left for america, leaving him behind?
13. "Got educated at the orphanage but didn't really bother for it." (didn't really care for it//didn't bother trying) so what did he learn? to what grade level?
14. "Blake knows full well he is perceived as insane" not sure how someone with his personality seems insane. he just seems lonely and sad with some conflicting traits/occupations.

so that's all! my only suggestion is to be careful how you write him, because he doesn't entirely seem like an antagonist. He just doesn't really seem to have the right traits/motivations for his occupation.

@TheMerpyDerpy

1. he's quite underweight.. consider making him 17-29 ibs heavier. he's also very tall for a 15-year-old.
2. "on the long side" how long? to his shoulders? armpits? just past his ears?
3. if he's called "the demon prince" and has violet eyes and is 5'10 at age 15 chances are he's not human so i'm confused
4. "He's lean and has a lot of muscle, but is really thin from borderline malnourishment." it's not possible to have muscles and be malnourished. muscles are the first thing to go when you don't have any food/water. maybe he is lean from having less food than recommended, but "a lot of muscle" and "malnourishment" are totally contradictory.
5. i would assume he has lots of scars on his legs as well?
6. "No hesitation in his words or actions. " so do you mean he talks smoothly and confidently? in which case put that. actions could probably go elsewhere, but he has to hesitate a bit (as in plan his actions before he goes through with it) or it's recklessness.
7. "Doesn't use common manners, as he has no use for them and no one to see him not use them. " what? if he doesn't use manners people are going to dislike him. politeness is key. if you mean he's just not overly friendly but never rude, i can see that.
8. "aloof" is cool and distant. i would imagine in a place he's comfortable in/knows well he'd be the opposite.
9. "Usually uses a lot of single word sentences" how? do you mean he's just curt? it's pretty hard to speak in just single-word sentences.
10. "Death, pain. He isn't afraid of these, but why touch the burner for no reason? " this makes it sound like his motivation is death and pain. what do you mean by the second part?
11. "He had a sister once. He would like to be able to return to her with the rights to his soul." what does this mean. does he want to die?
12. "Never underestimates people, yet never overestimates. " not a flaw. personality. does he wait to see what they are actually like and tries not to make assumptions?
13. "People who aren't worth the time to watch 24/7 won't be. Dominik will tell them so when they inevitably ask." i don't understand..
14. "They declared him a criminal as a child for not knowing that he was signing his soul away. " how does him signing his soul away change the fact that he's a criminal? did they misdiagnose symptoms or incorrectly gather evidence or smth?
15. "He was never an especially talented child" not really necessary, because very few people are.
16. "He doesn't have time for hobbies other than practicing his combat prowess." if he was spending a lot of time in a desert, i should think he has something he did to pass the time. how did a 15-year-old survive in a desert for that long anyways?
17. "Without it, he would never be able to collect enough souls to pay back the Devil." pay back the devil for what? sounds like a motivation!
18. "He is a quick learner, and a good at analyzing." talent. also, if he was a child when he was branded a criminal, wouldn't he have had just a bit of schooling?
19. "the man got Dominik to sign a contract that gave the Devil the rights to his soul, and marked him with the Prey brand, to mark him for all creatures of Hell. " so if the devil had the rights to his soul wouldn't that make him the opposite of prey? and also why does he have the nickname "demon prince" if he's human who's prey to both angels and creatures of hell? and why was the man in the tent even allowed in the market if he gave Dominik the brand and got him to sign a contract with the devil?
20. idk if a 9-year-old would have ever been able to survive. would they even know how to cook food? there's basically no way he could have survived. 15 and alone? maybe. 12? probably not. 9? hell no. maybe make him a bit older.
21. "and for a while, traveled with a traveling band, who taught him how to defend himself. When they found his brands, they attempted to capture him for a reward, but he escaped. " so i would say the band would have had to teach him everything. and also, if they were able to teach him to defend himself before they found his brands, how did the guard see his brands just like that?

so that's all! there's just some discontinuities that could be altered, but it's all up to you. gj!

(The ones I removed were just plain helpful and didn't need any repplies)

1. "Oversized,poofy sweaters with simple grapics (His favorite has a "dead" smiley (Smiley with X eyes) on) tights (usually black) and slightly heeled shoes." do u mean too-big sweatshirts with graphics and no pants??

If he is inside, otherwise he'll match them with jeans,wich I forgot. Thanks for reminding me.

1. he is really short for an 18 year old…

I am aware of this, he was made to be just slightly taller than an 18 yo can get, he's supposed to be 4'9

1. why would he randomly shout if it gets too quiet??

He absolutely cannot stand silence, and he needs everything to be constantly pulsating. If there is no music, no cars, and no one talking he will yell so that the silence is broken. Since he is usually around the same people, they know by now and take this as a que to start talking to him or eachother.

1. "Will blame anything on anyone on the outside but blames himself for everything on the inside." so on the outside he appears to put the blame on everything else but in reality he thinks it's his fault?

Exactly.

1. "brutal" as in cruel or as in his methods of dealing with enemies?

Brutal as in violent with enemies, rude in conversattion and unaware that he's going too far.

1. "Overemotional, daydreamer, easily attached" more pls! and how is he easily attached and to whom? just another thing, not many of these are traits that could be a cause for joining a mob/being a villain. obviously it's how you write him tho

Oh no it's more the plot of the story that forces him in, and way less his traits. He doesn't actually like the fact that he is in one.

1. so he sounds like he has a strong moral code (if he blames himself for stuff, even if it's not his fault) so i'm not sure if someone who's overemotional would make a good assassin. if he wants to find someone and move to japan, why would he join a mob/become an assassin?

This is also in the story and not much about him. But no, he actually isn't a really good assassin, but he manages it, and the others cover up for him when he chickens out.

1. "But being abandoned there by an adopted Sora, who left for America a year after leaving him. " this is a really confusing sentence. do you mean sora was adopted and left for america"

It's suppose to say that he got adopted an THEN left for America that's just bad wording and I'll correct it.

1. "Blake knows full well he is perceived as insane" not sure how someone with his personality seems insane. he just seems lonely and sad with some conflicting traits/occupations.

He is,it's mostly the "Opposite side" who think he's insane, because they don't know him well enough to be aware of these traits

so that's all! my only suggestion is to be careful how you write him, because he doesn't entirely seem like an antagonist. He just doesn't really seem to have the right traits/motivations for his occupation.

Once again,I couldn't properly put in why he's doing it on his page, it's more story related too,but I understand why you are concerned about him being an improper antagonist. I may actually change him to anti-hero, because the role slot is pretty old.

Thanks for the advice,I'll fix him up a bit now! =D

@LonelyPotato

Thank you so much for the critique!! To answer a few of your questions:

not sure how a face can be 'forgettable'. she has to have something that makes her recognizable. is it big eyes? lips? a certain earring she constantly wears? doesn't have to be profile-related, could be clothing or something like that. having a 'forgettable' face seems kind of like an insult?? idk.

More like her face is so average that you just wouldn't remember it at first glance. And yeah, it is a bit of an insult, I guess- Heather's just not very pretty, nor is she very ugly. She's right in the middle. And because she's aware of this, she uses it to her advantage when she's doing something illegal- so not a lot of identifiable traits.

so does she want attention or does she just want to avoid isolation? this is kind of random but oh well

More on the 'avoid isolation' side of things. Her anxiety keeps her from actively seeking attention, but her autophobia has her yearning for some sort of companionship. …she's in a tight situation, to say the least.

ok @ninja_violinist

1. "This is also "off", for lack of a better word - a bit too soft for her hygienic conditions, too light, prone to floating in even the slightest breeze." what does this mean "off". if in terms of gender hair is literally just hair. it's composition doesn't change by gender. it's dead skin cells. "floating in even the slightest breeze" doesn't typically happen?? n i'm not sure hwat you mean by "too soft".. i once (i repeat once) did not wash my hair for four days n it was disgusting and the opposite of soft…
2. "Slightly "off" - a bit too bright, a bit too clean, a bit too saturated." eyes are just eyes… if you mean "off" in terms of gender they're still just eyes. men can have "clean" "bright" and "saturated" eyes.
3. skin tone. what's her skin color.
4. "of lower birth." so are there social classes? in which case say that, because otherwise it's confusing
5. she isn't really "thin". (thank god something accurate for once)
6. "Various combat scars across torso and legs which are mostly hidden by her clothing. " what kind of combat scars?
7. "Missing a toe. It got frostbite and fell off. " typically frostbite happens to the nose first, so unless she was covered everywhere except for her toe, i'd expect there to be a bit of damage to her nose too. it depends on the conditions tho
8. "some aspects of her appearance just seem unnatural and wrong. It's nothing people could pinpoint, but it sends very very creepy vibes. " ok so it's not based on gender? in which case how does she send those vibes? is she not human?
9. "does it reveal that I'm a female in men's clothing" why does this matter?
10. "killing the current king and replacing him with his son" why
11. "but that wasn't talent. It took her years to acquire those skills and they didn't come naturally." talent applies to anything that they are good at, regardless of whether or not it came naturally. natural-born talent is the talent that comes naturally.
12. "(So like - she's mistrustful, manipulative, and a massive liar - and peripherally aware that those probably aren't good things to be - but she only works at things like fighting or stealth. She has a very "well this is who I am and how I roll and that's how it is" kind of mentality when it comes to her personality and behavior.) " take out the parenthesis and "so like". this is some good shit (pardon my french). behavior doesn't need an s tho it's one of those weird words
13. does she have any materialistic (that's not the word. oh well) fears? like spiders or the dark.
14. "and being in the middle of a battlefield taught her to fight. " wouldn't say this teaches people to fight, this gets them killed. battlefields don't just magically cause people to gain skill. it's one of those "kill or get killed" scenarios n if u don't have skill ur gonna get killed
15. her time as an assassin/mercenary would have taught her fighting just fine.
16. background - more on early life. why is her personality like it is? stuff like that
17. "Failure to critically examine the Mercenary Group [NAME THIS]. For a long time she basically ignored any creepy vibes she got from them in an effort to stay in the environment she knew. " and what did this lead to? why was it a failure?
18. "(this is more a failure that she pins on herself than something that could actually be considered a failure)" that is kind of a failure tho. she couldn't die but let others do so.

so that's all!
she's pretty well developed. keep at it!

(Woah hey you changed your username!)
Hi I'm back can I give you another character of mine? Noah Araullo
He's a main character, this time, I'd love to develop him a bit more!

This is one of my four protagonists, but I will only send you the one for now. If you want to look at the others feel free to ask!

@FestivePotato Hey thank you so much! I'm not quite sure if you want me to react/explain stuff so I won't unless you want me to, but this is really helpful! I'll definitely look into incorporating your feedback to keep improving Cassandra
(I can't believe you read the whole thing. This character's such a mess)