Honey opened the door. In one hand was a glass pitcher of water with ice, and in the other was a stack of cups. He was also holding a small bowl of something else. Arquis peered at it curiously. It was just fruit. Clean, well-washed fruit. He cocked an eyebrow, and Honey passed it to him.
“Figured I’d get you something else to eat,” he explained. His accent was back in full force, his words swaying, smooth, and dripping with amusement. Nothing as cruel as mockery, but it was as if he was inside on some sort of ongoing, universal joke.
“Oh. Um, thank you.” Arquis was fine with fruit, as long as he didn’t have too much of it. He pinched a glistening piece between his fingers and placed it in his mouth. It was sour in the best way, making his tongue sting.
Honey poured a cup of water for Rin and stuck it in front of them with a flourish. He was grinning lazily. “And for you, hot stuff.”
Rin took the water with a faint, tired smile. "Thank you, Honey." he said in a soft tone. He glanced at the fruit bowl, then over at Honey again. "For everything." they paused for a long moment, thinking. "Uhm…how are you feeling? I know yesterday was, ah, really rough." Honey seemed to be doing better, but that could be a facade. "Please don't lie to me, Honey."
Honey’s expression fell, but only for a moment. Before Arquis could really register the change, the blonde was on the bed, stealing a grape from the bowl. He put it in between his teeth and popped it. A thin stream of juice dripped down his chin, and he wiped it away.
“Never been better. Slept well, ate well, and now I’m gonna paint my nails, ‘cause they’re all outta sorts.” He wiggled his hand. “See?”
Arquis frowned. He hadn’t thought about it, but Honey had carried the water and food back with both hands. And now he was twisting his bad arm slightly. It hadn’t gotten a chance to rest.
“Your wrist does not hurt?” he asked softly.
Honey shrugged. “I mean, yeah, it does. But it’s whatever, y’know? Gotta move on. Life doesn’t stop. It’ll heal.”
Rin watched him quietly, a faint frown pulling at his brows. "Honey, you shouldn't be pushing yourself. And if you don't give your wrist time to heal, then it is not going to heal correctly. You could permanently damage it, and that would be miserable." they took a sip of their water, clearing their throat faintly.
Honey’s grin stretched. It looked, and likely was, fake. “Aw, nah, it’ll be fine. Not even sure it’s really sprained. Probably just bruised. And if that’s the case, then, well, no reason not to use it.”
He sprang off the bed and walked to his vanity, his hips swaying slightly. As if making a point, he used his bad arm to grab a bottle of something clear and pungent, giving it a shake. Arquis could only see his wince because of the vanity’s mirror. There was no other indication that he was hurting, no twitch of the shoulders or hiss of pain. He draped himself over the chair, picked up a cloth, dampened it, and began to clean the previous polish away. Flecks of color came away on the rag. The clear nails underneath came into view. He whistled as he took out a box covered in small, bright stains.
“What color should I do?” He turned and held up a few bottles. “Pink? Or is that too flashy for winter? Red? I’ve got a burgundy color somewhere, it’s real mature.”
"Honey. I'm going to get Lovey and we're going to tie your wrist to your upper arm so you stop abusing it." They threatened, having caught the way Honey winced. "This does count as a form of self harm, you know. You're purposely causing yourself pain." They kept their gaze zeroed in on Honey, trying to catch and hold his eyes. "Please just rest, Honey. You were beaten and abused and that isn't something you just bounce back from in a day. You can let your walls down in here."
“Tie me up,” Honey repeated, as if that was the only part he’d heard. There was something dark in his voice, though the amused slant was still there, so he sounded more bitter than anything. A muscle clenched in his jaw. “That how you like it?”
Arquis gave his partner a gentle kiss on the head, then glared daggers at Honey. “Do not be rude to them. He is simply trying to help.”
Honey said nothing for a long bit, but his breathing grew heavier and his jaw even tighter. He eventually started to rummage in the box again until he found a tiny, half-used bottle of burgundy nail polish. He set it down hard, so hard that it actually cracked. He held his hand up. There was blood welling up from a cut over the base of his thumb.
“Damnit.” He grabbed the rag that he’d used to clean his nails and wrapped it around the wound, then swore loudly, tearing it off. There’d been a good amount of rubbing alcohol on it that had gone straight into the cut.
Rin blinked quickly. "Oh. Dear. No, that is not…Honey, I didn't mean it that way." Their threat had only been partially meant, they hadn't been thinking about the effect those words might have on the hurt young man. He winced when Honey hurt himself, chewing on his lip. "I'm sorry, Honey, I truly am. Would you please come sit down? Arquis or I can help with the cut. Please. Stop hurting yourself and just…talk to someone. It doesn't have to be me, it can be your sister, or Pretty…anyone. Just…"
“I don’t need to talk to anyone! I’m fine!” Honey snapped. He stormed over to his wardrobe and pulled out a cheap-looking shirt that he roughly tied around his hand. A small blood stain immediately began to blossom through the fabric. Over by the desk, the spilled nail polish was making a similar reddish stain on the carpet.
The door swung open. Pretty stood with her sword at the ready. Her ponytail whipped across her face as her attention snapped from Arquis and Rin to Honey.
“Heard arguing,” she explained. “What’s going on?”
Honey gritted his teeth. “It’s fine!”
She spotted his injured hand and instantly came to his side. Her face remained unreadable as she examined it. Honey protested angrily, but she didn’t walk away until she was sure that he was alright.
“Nothing happened, I’m telling you! I’m fine! Everything’s fine. I just dropped something. It’s fine!”
“If you insist.”
She left, letting the door close behind her. Honey sagged against the wardrobe door, his forearm pressing into the wood. He let his forehead rest on it for a good minute before he finally staggered to the bed. His breathing trembled as he settled heavily beside Arquis.
“I’m fine,” he mumbled, but all the fight had gone out of him. It was like it had bled out of him alongside the red running from his cut.
"You're not fine." Rin replied in a quiet voice, looking over at him. "You're lashing out, and angry, and probably depressed, and that's all understandable. Honey, I've been in your shoes. You think I can't read you?" They arched an eyebrow, a wry expression pulling at their mouth. "You think I don't know exactly what denial and bottling up looks like? You think I don't know how badly you want someone to tell you everything's going to be alright and no one is going to hurt you again?" Their hands trembled for a moment, and they pulled the blanket closer. "I know exactly what's going on in your head, Honey."
Arquis held his partner close and gave him a supportive kiss on the cheek. His hand rubbed a soothing circle against their side. He did feel a bit bad for glaring at Honey, especially seeing how miserable he looked, but he would never feel guilty for defending Rin. Honey shouldn’t have lashed out at them on this subject. They were already stressed and sick.
The blonde wrapped his arms around himself. A sigh stuttered out of his mouth. “I just don’t wanna be like this. They’re gone, but I’m still- I’m still all broken and messed up, and it’s not fair, ‘cause they don’t gotta deal with any of this shit and I do. And part of me wishes that I’d just- just let them do it, just let them end it, ‘cause I don’t got a clue what I’m doing. I don’t wanna be in pain anymore, but I don’t know how to live if I’m not.”
"You're right. It's not fair." They took another sip of tea. "It's not fair that they get to hurt you and walk away, and you have to deal with it. But, Honey, please trust me on this: it will get better. You have support. Friends, family, all that care about you. And you're used to being in pain, and you have to learn to just…just live again. Without someone hurting you. Without hurting yourself, either, Honey." They cleared their throat faintly. "And it's going to be hard, because you want to fall back into old habits even though they're bad. That's why you need to find something else to do. I took up being a bard. For you, it might be something else. Maybe Pretty can give you sparring lessons. Maybe you can work in the kitchens again. Maybe you can do the spa stuff, or gardening. Whatever you like. Just find something to give you something to do. Otherwise you'll end up sitting alone in your room and your mind will consume you."
Honey cradled his head in his hands. When he finally raised it to look at them, there was a drop of blood sliding down from his brow like a tear. He swiped at it, smearing crimson across the bridge of his nose. His hand was still in quite bad shape. The shirt could only do so much.
“I already told you,” he said hoarsely, “there’s nothing. I’m good for nothing. You’ve got music, and you’ve got each other, but everything I try, everything I am… I’m not good enough. I’ll never be good.”
Arquis waited for him to add enough at the end, but he’d stopped there. He felt his chest ache. He’d been hoping he’d gotten over that particular insecurity, but it was too soon. Of course it was too soon. It hadn’t even been twenty four hours.
“I feel dirty. All the time. Like I’ll never get clean, no matter how much I try. No matter what I use. Could scrub my skin off and I’d still have to go deeper. Wash the bone and the muscle and the nerves.” Honey squeezed his own bicep and laughed bitterly. “Maybe I could try more shit, and maybe I’d even like it, but this feeling? I don’t think it’s gonna go away.”
Rin bit his lip faintly, watching Honey and listening. "You like art, don't you?" they asked, voice soft. "You loaned Arquis the drawing supplies. And you don't have to be good at anything, Honey. It's about enjoyment, not skill. I'm absolutely terrible at drawing, but I can still enjoy it." they reached out to gently touch Honey's injured hand, then looked up at Arquis. "Can you please get some bandages for his hand?" they asked, before turning their attention back to Honey. "Honey, I felt…I felt the same way. After what happened to me. Like I couldn't get the feeling of his hands off of me, no matter how hard I scrubbed in the shower, or…or how deep I cut myself." his hands twitched and his voice shook for a moment. "And I…it gets better, Honey, I promise. There will still be days where you would rather jump out of your skin then let someone touch you, and…and days where you would rather die than look at yourself in the mirror, but…but it does get better."
Arquis did not leave until Rin was finished speaking. He stayed with them, eyes growing damp, and nuzzled into his shoulder. When they mentioned harming himself, he reached out, took one of their hands in both of his, and kissed from their wrist to each knuckle. He needed his partner to know how loved they were. Not just by him, either. Rin brought light into every life that he entered. It was heartbreaking that a man had controlled and abused that light.
When they were done, he kissed him just once more before going to do as he’d asked. There was a somewhat stocked first aid bundle in the bathroom. The fact that it looked so used was distressing, though the actual contents were worse. Most were the standard antibiotics, bandages, and painkillers, but there were also compression bandages and a bottle of medicine for a very specific type of injury. He winced as he set that one to the side. Honey would hopefully never need it again.
He walked out of the bathroom with the rest of the kit and a wet rag. “Alright. Might I see your hand?”
Honey wordlessly unwound the shirt and thrust his hand out. Arquis cleaned it with water, applied some antibiotic cream, and bound it with a bandage. Luckily, it had been pretty superficial, though it had bled quite a bit. He moved on from it to his wrist, which he wrapped with a different compression bandage. He fished some of the leftover ice from the pitcher and wrapped it in a different cloth. This one was for his black eye. The swelling looked just as bad as it had the day before.
“I guess I just can’t believe that there can even be a better for me. I wanna believe it. I wanna quit- damnit, I wanna stop hurting all the time. It’s not like it’s been fun. But, like, I can’t believe it. You’re not- our situations were- are similar, yes, but you’re not me. That make any sense?”
Rin listened quietly to Honey's words, nodding a little. "You're right. I'm not you, and my coping mechanisms and rate of recovery are not the same as yours." he gave Honey a faint little smile, taking a sip of his tea again. "But you will recover, Honey. I believe in you. I used myself as an example because it's the best example I have." they cleared their throat faintly, running a hand through their hair.
Honey’s expression changed. His eyes narrowed, and he turned to study them. Arquis instinctively moved over to his partner. He knew that Honey wasn’t going to hurt Rin, but he wasn’t sure what that look of his meant.
“You’ve been doing that a lot.” It took Arquis a moment to realize what he meant. Rin had been clearing his throat more than usual. He’d thought it was because of the difficulty of the topic, but perhaps that wasn’t it at all. “Still feeling alright?”
Illnesses, Arquis knew, did not go away within an hour or two. They took up a lot of time and energy. But he couldn’t blame Honey for wanting him to feel better. He himself was rather worried about them. With a careful hand, he felt the side of their cheek, then his brow. They felt just as warm as earlier.
“Honey is correct. You have been drinking quite a lot of tea, and it does sound as if you are somewhat congested.”
Rin frowned faintly. "I'm fine." they insisted. "I just like tea." he really did like tea. "Besides, that's not what we're talking about. We were talking about you, Honey, not about me." they looked over at the young man again. "Please don't hurt yourself. It's…it's really hard to stop, once you start doing it."
“Alright.” Arquis didn’t really believe them, yet he wouldn’t push the subject. Instead, he softly added, “But do try and remember what I said about selflessness, love.”
“Yeah. Don’t know why we can’t talk about both of us. Doesn’t all gotta be about me.”
Arquis had the distinct feeling that Honey would prefer for none of the conversation to be about him. The blonde had a habit of throwing out distractions to avoid opening up. Then again, he supposed that all three of them in the room had that similar issue. Talking about pain was difficult; avoiding it entirely was easy and usually much faster.
That did beg the question of what specifically Honey was avoiding. Rin brought up a certain topic, and he’d defaulted to a different one entirely. Coping mechanisms. That had been it. And harming oneself. Arquis entwined his hands with theirs and hugged them.
Rin frowned faintly. "Honey. Did…do you understand what I've been saying?" they asked, voice soft and quiet. "About hurting yourself? Please? I know that it feels better in the moment because it gives you something else to focus on, but it…it's so bad for you. Please."
Honey looked tired. He rubbed the knuckle of his thumb over his mouth, not saying anything at all. There was a small amount of stubble growing on his jaw. It felt out of place, making him look young and old at the same time.
“I know it’s bad for me,” he finally muttered. His teeth bit down on his nail, and he tore at a loose piece of skin. “That’s kinda the point.”
Arquis knew he shouldn’t, but he looked away. It was too hard to watch him when he said such things. He said them factually, like he was reading off a report, but his eyes held tension. The effect was devastating, and it made the nobleman feel intrusive. He felt like he was watching a surgery, his attention glued to a patient as they were unclothed, made vulnerable, sliced open. As if all of the important parts that made up Honey, everything he’d tried so hard to keep inside, was spilling out before an audience.
"I know that, Honey." Rin's voice was still quiet. "That's why you need to find something less destructive." they reached out to gently pull Honey's thumb out of his mouth. "What if you squeezed ice cubes instead? Or snap a rubber band? Those are both good coping mechanisms that are, uhm…not destructive or leave permanent marks behind."
“Maybe that’s what I want,” Honey said gruffly. He yanked his hand back towards his chest and picked at the hangnail he hadn’t full ripped off. Self-loathing bled into his every word and action.
“Make myself ugly enough that no one will wanna touch me. Make myself bleed so that they can’t. They can’t leave bruises that are already there, can’t leave scars on scarred skin. Maybe that’s what I want. Make the outside match the inside.”
“Honey,” Arquis said softly, looking his way again. “They are gone. No one is going to hurt you anymore.”
“There are more,” he gritted out. “There are always more. You guys will leave someday and go wherever you wanna. You’ll get to forget all of this, forget me. And that’s fine. I don’t need to be missed or remembered or whatever. I don’t care. But you’ll go, and I’ll be stuck in this damn place, and eventually everything’ll go back to the way it was.”
Rin frowned a little. "Just because we leave doesn't mean that you'll hurt yourself again." they said in a quiet tone. "It doesn't mean that everything will go back to how it was. Honey. Lovey and Pretty will help you, you are not alone, even when Arquis and I have to leave."
Honey inhaled and shook his head. “I love my sister. Have a hard time saying it, but I really do. She’s got a real good heart. She likes puppies and flowers and making people happy. And- and those cheesy romance novels. She loves those.” He laughed, but it sounded really sad. “I don’t wanna be a burden. Don’t wanna make her stop believing in good stuff or people. Not when I can handle it on my own.”
“You are not handling it well,” Arquis started. It’d been the complete wrong thing to say. The blonde looked infuriated, and he cut him off before he could get the next part of his sentence out.
“I’m trying my best!” He pushed himself onto his feet and stomped to the vanity. “I know it’s not good enough! Shit, I know that! But you don’t get to come in here and tell me that I’m- that I should just- that I’m not trying hard enough!”
“That is not at all what I meant, I was simply-” It was as if he hadn’t said anything. Honey kept ranting.
“Not everyone’s got money or a palace to go home to, you know that? We die if we don’t work. That’s what happens to people like me. We go out on the streets and we die alone, or we die in front of the few people who actually give a damn about us. And it’s always ugly. We starve or freeze or take one too many beatings and that’s it! That’s all we get. So yeah, I’m real sorry that I took this shitty job, and I’m sorry I’m all screwed up ‘cause of it, and I’m so, so sorry that you don’t think I’m doing my best, ‘cause I am.”
Arquis shrunk back. That wasn’t what he’d meant to imply, and he felt thoroughly rebuked. Honey was right. He was privileged. He’d never had to worry about if he’d have enough to eat, never had to sleep in the cold.
Rin frowned. "Honey. Do not attack my partner." Their voice was firm, if a bit sickly. "He did not mean it that way." They paused for a moment. "And you are correct. Yes. But that doesn't mean you can't have a good life. I have met so many good, happy people, that are poor as dirt." He had met so many people in tiny little towns, who couldn't pay him for his music in anything but food and shelter and that was okay. They only kept a small amount of coin on them anyways, preferring to be paid in food and shelter. It worked. It made sense. "Not everyone starves or freezes or get beaten to death, those are not your only options."
Honey looked truly angry. Not in a threatening sense—even when he was this mad, Arquis knew that he wouldn’t hurt them—but his posture was tense and his face bright red. He snarled out a string of swears as he paced back and forth.
“Attacking him?” he repeated incredulously. “You think I was attacking him?”
“Honey, please-” Arquis tried.
Honey yanked off his sweater and threw it to the ground, where it lay crumpled like a dead animal. He whirled around so that they could see his back. The scratch marks that weren’t bandaged stood out against his fair skin. He gestured to them wildly.
“That’s being attacked! And- and-” He yanked off his pajama pants as well, and Arquis grimaced. He hadn’t known about the scratches and bruises on his hips and thighs. Honey jabbed a finger at them accusingly. “And these! And-” He lifted his leg and pointed to an older scar on his ankle. “And this!”
“Someone broke your ankle?” Arquis asked, voice quiet yet horrified.
Something flashed across Honey’s face. Humiliation. He looked suddenly deflated.
”I owed them money,” he muttered. “Still do.”
Everything began to click into place. His obsession with working and money. His insecurity of never being good enough. His acceptance of pain. His fear of leaving. Even his name, which Arquis doubted was real.
“Yeah, maybe you know some happy poor people. Maybe those really weren’t my only options.” Honey looked so vulnerable, standing there mostly undressed. “But don’t try and tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about.”
Rin closed their eyes for a moment, then forced themself to look. "Honey, I'm sorry." They said softly. "I didn't mean to upset you." They really hadn't. "And..and I'm not saying you don't know what you're talking about, I just…those aren't your only options. Please get dressed and…and we can talk about this, or…" They trailed off, helpless and uncertain what the right thing to say was anymore. He took a sip of his tea, clearing his throat.
Honey took a shuddering breath. His eyes were glistening. “What, you don’t like me like this? You don’t think I’m pretty?” It almost sounded as if he was begging, which was confirmed when he sank to his knees. What he was begging for was unknkwn. He dropped his head to the floor, exposing his scratched back. “You don’t want me?”
Arquis slowly untangled himself from Rin and slipped to the edge of the bed. A lot of this had been his fault. He hadn’t been careful with his words, and now he was paying the price. Making his footsteps just a bit louder than normal, he made his way to Honey’s side, then knelt. Honey let him place his hand on his unscarred shoulder. His skin was warm. Not like Rin’s feverish forehead, but warm with life.
“Honey,” he said softly, sympathetically. “We might not be attracted to you in that way, but we do care about you very much. You are a good person that has had a hard, terrible life, and you are upset because that life has suddenly changed. That change, however, is not negative.”
Honey didn’t answer, just trembled silently. Arquis glanced back at Rin. He wasn’t sure what else to do. Would they need to get Lovey after all? But then Honey was rising, pulling his clothes back on, and stumbling over to the bed.
“I’ve been awful, I know. I’m sorry. Sorry. I’m so sorry. I just can’t seem to get it all under control, it’s like my mind’s going a million miles a minute, y’know? Sorry, I know I’m going too fast. I just feel so much, and it’s all so bad, and I tried to hard to be stable, but I just can’t anymore. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I yelled at you. I’m really sorry. Please don’t leave. Please?”
Rin let Arquis do the talking, just keeping their gaze on Honey. "You're not awful, Honey. You're traumatized, and some…some negative reactions are understandable." they said, voice still soft and quiet. "We aren't going to leave you unless or until you want us to." he reached out to gently touch Honey's hand. "It's okay. Just…please don't shut us out, or…I know we all have very different worldviews, but Arquis and I mean you know harm. Even if we say the wrong thing."
