TW for ED's and throwing up I guess I dunno if this counts but to be safe. It's like a bit depressing for the first bit but It's actually more of a hey, I did it, take that brain, and trama.
Spoiler - click to show.
So I've always had a really bad relationship with food, My family always ate together for dinner but like it wasn't a safe environment if that makes sense, it was eat what's on your plate or go hungry or get the food dumped on you or get the food shoved down your throat, I wish I was joking, literally taking handfuls of food and shoving them into our mouths getting yelled at if we then threw up because that's a sure fire way to get that to happen. Before I found out I was lactose intolerant I just never likes mashed potatoes and gravy because it made me sick because of all the dairy, but you know explaining that didn't help, I was obviously an ungrateful brat for not wanting to eat and lying about it so I wouldn't have to, yeah pretty messed up now that I think about it. My sister and I both have texture issues with some foods like the texture makes us nauseated and we can't eat it, didn't matter, my sister is a super taster meaning she has more taste buds and unless cooked in a specific way vegetables taste really bitter and gross. Anyway really bad relationship with meal times and food.
So from a very young age my body stopped getting hunger pains, It associated hunger with dinner time and dinner time was dangerous, so I stopped feeling hunger, A lot of my siblings don't get hungry anymore and so we forget to eat. So from a very young age I skipped meals because I just forgot and that's all it was until middle school. And then middle school came along and with it came insecurities about my body, I remember the first BMI I did telling me I was on the higher side of normal and thinking that's weird because I don't eat anything all day until I'm forced to at dinner and on Fridays I don't eat anything. The Audacity of that PE teacher to tell I tinny 5'0'' 115 pound kid they were a but on the heavy side. And then I got to high school the first time we did BMI's the middle of swim season I was a tinny 5'2'' kid with no fat and all muscle being told at 103 that I was a great healthy weight you know. I was swimming for two hours a day having eaten nothing sense dinner the night before I was fueled by a little thing of Gatorade one of the swim moms gave me before practice. and that went on until the Pandemic hit, and then I was bored and I don't like being bored so I actually ate the proper amount of food, at 17 I grew two inches because my body finally had enough fuel to grow.
So all of that not eating for nearly two decades means that my body rejects food when I feed it like I will eat at normal times, like at noon I'll have lunch and my body will freak out, headaches and Nausea and being super anxious. So yeah my Brain has associated food as something bad and when I try to fix my wack messed up eating habits it get's mad at me. But like when it does let me eat I can't eat normal people portions with out the same thing happening I'm like, oh why do I feel sick, ah because I ate a whole serving instead of a half of one got it. It's really frustrating and I hate it.
You know what the worst thing is though, when I finally started getting better mid quarantine my mom looked at me straight in the eye and said, "Relsey you're getting fat you need to start eating less and exercising more." And all of that progress vanished just like that, gone. So then I had to start again from ground zero, fighting through the nausea and the headaches having to take pain killers after eating in order to keep my body from rejecting it. But hey I'm at a healthy weight now, my body still gives me crap and get's mad and I still have to take pain killers after I eat sometimes, but it's not all the time, and I'm healthy for once in my life, I may not be pencil thin anymore and I'm trying to deal with that still, and every time my mom makes a comment about me looking a lot heavier than I was and she means it in a negative way it still hurts and I have to fight really really hard to not slip back into those habits. And she's right, I am a lot heavier than I was but it's because I'm healthy now, I no longer feel like fainting all the time. Back when I did swim I could never beat a 30 second 50 free, but like, I'm fueled now, If I got back into swim I could beat my old records because guess what you have more energy and ability to build muscle when you're not half starved.
So yeah that's my little I've made progress rant for the day
TW: excoriation, self harm
Spoiler - click to show.
I have this thing where I pick at my lips to the point where it hurts and starts to bleed. And I don’t mean just a little bleeding, sometimes it bleeds for hours and will stop occasionally if I’m applying pressure with a tissue or something. I looked up to see if there was something I could do about this but it only brought me to an article about OCD.
I want to bring it up to my therapist but I feel really self conscious about it because not only is it self harm (in a way), it’s just very awkward to talk to her about this. I don’t want to come off like I know what it is that I have because that’s her job. I guess I don’t want to seem obsessed with a diagnosis.
I have my mom telling me to just stop, that I can control it and I chose not to but I just can’t. You could call me out on it and I’d stop in the moment but later I’ll be doing it again and sometimes I don’t even realize that I do it.
Anyways, that was my quick rant about that because it’s been bothering me a lot more lately. The picking and bleeding has gotten worse and I just don’t know what to do because the chapsticks don’t work, it just makes it hurt even more and I don’t have my psychiatrist appoint until next month.
This is random and not really a big deal, but I need to get this out. I have a particular older cousin that I've been very close with since I was little. I've even considered her my best friend at some points. I looked up to her and always wanted to be just like her. Now she's graduated from high school and as I'm also a lot older and more perceptive, I'm starting to see a different side of her. She's still the supportive and fun-loving cousin I grew up with, but I'm starting to realize how lazy and unambitious she is. She didn't even attempt to get a job until after she graduated (her family is pretty well-off), and even then she missed her first day and was fired. She has no idea what she wants to do and I've heard that she's only going to college to get a boyfriend. She wants to be like her mother: a stay-at-home mom who never got a permanent job, married a semi-rich guy, and just had a ton of kids. I'm starting to realize that she's not the perfect older-sister figure that I grew up with, but I'm not sure if other family members are blowing these issues out of proportion or I really have been looking at her through rose-colored glasses for my entire life.
Hey if I could go to college to find a boyfriend and live happily ever after with no job I'd do it too.
I have an email curse where if I email anyone I just never hear back. Here goes another tentative job app, I hope my curse lays off a bit because I really want this job and I'm so tired of getting ghosted.
God, I feel that. My mom and her parents go on and on about how easy it is just to get a job and even though I tried to explain the ghosting, not picking up the phone, etc, they don't get it.
I even had the same issue in my hunt for an apartment which is crazy because don't they want to make money???
Older gens really do act like we have it was these days when meanwhile they could just walk up somewhere and get a job way back when.
(I mean that's fair lol)
I mean that's what I'm saying. In the unbalanced world of difference for genders, at least women don't have to Have A Carreer to survive and not be seen as worthless. It seems to me a very valid way to go plus insert speech about how motherhood is very valuable in every way etc.
(I mean that's fair lol)
I mean that's what I'm saying. In the unbalanced world of difference for genders, at least women don't have to Have A Carreer to survive and not be seen as worthless. It seems to me a very valid way to go plus insert speech about how motherhood is very valuable in every way etc.
That is true, I guess my family was making it seem like a way bigger deal.
On a more positive note, my mom talked to another of my older cousins and he's thinking about proposing to his girlfriend! She's so sweet and they work perfectly off each other, I'm definitely rooting for them and want her as a cousin-in-law.
God, I feel that. My mom and her parents go on and on about how easy it is just to get a job and even though I tried to explain the ghosting, not picking up the phone, etc, they don't get it.
I even had the same issue in my hunt for an apartment which is crazy because don't they want to make money???
Older gens really do act like we have it was these days when meanwhile they could just walk up somewhere and get a job way back when.
honestly I don't care if there's a rejection, ok maybe a little, but I'd take rejection over ghosting any day. At least I can move on with my life. and the worst part is some of these are people I've had email chain conversations with. they have my email and know how to use it clearly, what's so bad about saying "sorry but we have a better fit?" so I can continue to do other things.
I feel somewhat good about myself. I am beginning to actually like myself. It is a great feeling.
God, I feel that. My mom and her parents go on and on about how easy it is just to get a job and even though I tried to explain the ghosting, not picking up the phone, etc, they don't get it.
I even had the same issue in my hunt for an apartment which is crazy because don't they want to make money???
Older gens really do act like we have it was these days when meanwhile they could just walk up somewhere and get a job way back when.
honestly I don't care if there's a rejection, ok maybe a little, but I'd take rejection over ghosting any day. At least I can move on with my life. and the worst part is some of these are people I've had email chain conversations with. they have my email and know how to use it clearly, what's so bad about saying "sorry but we have a better fit?" so I can continue to do other things.
Exactly! It's just fucking rude! I was trying to work for one place a couple summers ago but they dragged me around, and I ended up accepting another job that actually got back to me and also fired me before I finished training. I mean. Ig it was more let go than fire, but it was still fucked up. If people would just respond to applications, it wouldn't be such a pain.
I have a M I G R A N E
enter one and a score aeronauts
Just got a shaving injury that's probably the worst one I've had ✌
At least top 2.
Doesn't hurt but holy fuck it's pretty bad
At therapy I talked about an ex friend that caused my friend group and I serious trauma and that I would bet my life was a pathological liar. And this fucking "doctor" straight up compares us?? I can't get it out of my head??
Your therapist sucks
Near the end of your treatment I highly recommend you go off on them, tell them everything you think they did wrong and every way they hurt you
Now that's therapeutic 💛
I've literally waited years to get anywhere in this service and this is what I get lmao tragic
who wants to facetime me so i can rant about my story please and thank you
What’s it about
:')
Sorry it got so long
Okay so, context-wise it's a pretty sparsely populated land due to creatures that run very freely around. There's one sort of walled citadel that's protected and ruled by oligarchy, and otherwise it's villages dotted around that run solely thanks to a patron god. My main characters are a group of five young people who travel around protecting, fighting and selling in the villages to try and do what the leaders don't. They've banded together as a group of Dyszuis, similar to sprites or elementals. There are other Dyszuis but they work in service of the rich, particularly Midas, a merchant that has earned themself a rather powerful position in the citadel.
You've got Yanni, related to the tide, who leads the group. You've got Dorota and Diego, related to the sun, twins. You've got Kohmir, related to the raven, who's an excellent botanist. Finally you've got Lysia, related to the dusk.
Prologue sets the scene with a god that falls to earth, and Dorota disappears to replace them. Lysia, who relied entirely on her, decides to go looking for her and gets recruited by the god that fell to earth, who I've temporarily named Circe (I really like it but I'm on the fence about taking such famous names, idk). Lysia is slowly encouraged by Circe to lean into her power more and more, and Dorota's own power grows by being exposed to gods, and they both lose all sense of consciousness outside of their power. Dorota is held back only by her remaining connection to Diego, and Lysia by the relationship with one of Midas's soldiers that they've given Circe. Meanwhile, Diego Yanni and Kohmir and desperately trying to find their friends, end up finding where Circe took Lysia, and as they arrive Dorota's been sent to stop Circe from taking (anymore) violent action against the villages and citadel. Lysia, as Circe's most powerful ally, is sent to fight her. A very dramatic and tragic battle ensues between two best friends, their loved ones trying stop them, etc.
Interesting
What are the character arcs about?
People with ADHD either really need to stop posting such relatable content or I really need to go see someone 👀
Interesting
What are the character arcs about?
I'm gonna try and generalise as much as possible so I don't monopolise the chat
So Lysia's is the main one! As a 'daughter' of dusk, she's equally split between night and day/light and dark, and struggles greatly with resisting her darker instincts (that translate as intrusive thoughts). With Dorota, her anchor in sanity and control, gone, she loses her grip on her powers and especially because of Circe, she goes from a fragile control to completely losing herself in every dark instinct that, after having been repressed for so long, are out of control and powerful. Her arc is a sort of lesson in accepting every part of you and learning that the way you're born doesn't define who you are as a person sort of thing.
For Dorota, although she's an ultimately good person, she's caught up in thinking she's naturally superior to others, and she doesn't actually treat the people around her very well. This makes her very easy to control when the gods take her in, and leads to the battle at the end of the story. Because of how much she relies so heavily on the idea that she's more powerful than anyone, she doesnt realize how much damage she's doing, both actually physically and emotionally to her relationships as she fights them pretty ruthlessly. The consequences of the battle basically humble her, and she kind of snaps out of her attitude and realizes how important her relationships are to her and everyone around her.
Diego, once fully trusting and very optimistic, is kind of destroyed by losing first his sister and then one of his closest friends. His worldview was that love kind of runs the world, but seeing two people he loved try to kill each other kind of breaks all of that. He dies before he can fully proces everything though.
Yanni is a bit similar. As a leader/parent to Lysia and Dorota, losing them made her desperate to find them and help them. She's terrified at the idea of not being able to control her surroundings and believes that any consequence of Lysia and Dorota's feud would be her fault for not helping them. But when she finally finds them and tries her best to talk them down in vain, she realizes she can't do anything for them and can only protect herself from the damage they're causing. On the topic of emotional boundaries and taking responsibility for yourself before anyone else, I think. She's a bit complicated and I'm really trying to get my head around her thoughts and emotions.
Then you've got Kohmir. Similar to Lysia in having difficulty keeping his negative emotions in check, especially as the youngest character. But he's got a lot more self-control and enough self- validation and motivation, and is able to keep rational thoughts in situations in which Lysia would get more worked up. He greatly admires her though, and she's an inspiration to him. If she can make it, he can too. So, when she doesn't make it, he loses a lot of hope and loses progress he's made on himself. He's also very very close to Yanni, and seeing her so affected makes him really bitter towards Lysia and Dorota. So overall a lesson in self-reliance I think? Not only, there's also a lot about learning how you react to things, how much you can handle, when you come first and when other people come first. How do you protect yourself when protecting yourself means losing people you've learned to rely on?
Finally you've got Maitea, Lysia's love interest. So when she meets Lysia, the latter still has some semblance of control on herself. But Maitea, although very set on Midas's values and maintaining her loyalty to him, is watching from a distance as Circe absolutely destroys everything Lysia's internally built. Especially as her feelings for Lysia grow, she struggles between long standing arrangements and what she owes her love for Lysia and her own values.
That's what I've got so far!
This is pretty random, but I just feel kind of out of place. I do like a lot of stereotypically feminine things, such as makeup and long dresses, and I feel like that's shamed now. I often question my interests in these things, wondering if I really do like them or society has pressured me into thinking I do. I don't want to be perceived as a girly airhead, but I'm not really a tomboy either. I really hope this isn't coming off as "not like other girls," but I'm starting at a new school and even though my self-esteem issues have gotten better, I'm really worried about what people will think of me. I just want to kick butt in a ballgown, you know? I feel like you're pressured to fit into one category or another, and oh geez this is coming off very 2012 angsty tumblr teen i'm going to stop talking now
No no, Jupiter, it sounds great! Tbh flowy dresses are kinda in right now, especially if they fit the cottagecore aesthetic. Plus, they're so fucking cute. Personally, I'm a bit more masc in terms of what I'm wearing and so I have the same mindset but opposite, if that makes sense? I'm like "do I not like dresses bc society has told me they're bad, or do I just not like dresses bc I don't like dresses?" So basically I get what you're saying, and I wouldn't worry about it tbh. Again flowy dresses? So. Fucking. Cute. On everyone. So I'd say go for it if that's what you like and what you wanna wear
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