forum Your Personal Venting Space 3: Tokyo Drift
Started by @The-N-U-T-Cracker
tune

people_alt 145 followers

@Kie group

I'm not sure but I'll have to stick with it either way because my mom isn't super understanding. I'll have to just get it together over break, maybe work ahead.

@Musical_Queen

I am on the verge of a B in my AP English class and my mom is pissed. I have a giant photo project due tomorrow and I still have half of it done. We are cloning in my science class and my partner hasn't been here for the past 2 weeks (He's going to be gone for even longer. It's not COVID), math has just been tedious and I hate it, and my werewolf time started today and I was totally unprepared and I feel like it is going to be a bad week now. So lots of homework, failing grades, cramps, and having to see my family of who I am the disappointment of for Thanksgiving! Yesterday was iffy, but now this week will be hell :)

@furetakunai ac_unit

Ahh, I'm seeing a wide-eyed, smiling face everywhere I go and at first I thought I'd see it once and never again but I keep seeing it and I feel like my heart is going to fucking give out. I just want it gone. I'm scared to go anywhere because I think I'll fucking see it again and I can't rid its horrid laughter from my ears. heLP

@saor_illust school

haha it's strange how all the little things matter so much when you're grieving

a friend and i were 'arguing' about whether or not i was cute again
and other related things
and then-
then my brain went to six
how we would endlessly no u each other in dms on occasion
'arguing' over who looked better
and oh god i remember
she looks(looked? i don't even fucking know anymore) so much like another friend i know-

there's so many reminders everywhere
and it's just

heh, shes never really coming back, is she-

@nebula__ group

haaaa do ya'll ever just think abt the past and remember when someone who you thought you could trust made you feel v self-conscious and stuff
because that just happened to me and i'm really angy hnnn
i was trying to remember my happy memories from the past since i was mid-mental breakdown at the time, but then i remembered a time where my grandma body-shamed me, and i know what she said word for word
she said to my mom, "she's gotten so fat, i thought she was pregnant" (not only body-shaming either, she misgendered me too)
now i know this could be a generational thing because she's like 84 now, but when i confronted her she denied it just by saying "you must be hearing things like you usually do" (i had bad audio/visual hallucinations at the time, so this seemed to me like it was a bit of a personal attack because of her tone and stuff when she said it) then my mom agReeD with my grandma
and by then, i felt like i lost my only support system in this house i'm in, and i'm beginning to feel that way again now that this is all coming back to me

tl;dr: my grandma body-shamed me + misgendered me and when i told her what she had said she denied it and my mom agreed with my grandma, making me feel lonely and unsupported

@Echo_6 group

Okay, I don't know if anyone noticed, it doesn't really matter if you did or didn't, but back in the beginning of June I kind of withdrew from a lot of things. I Pulled away, and walled myself off from a lot of people, including my family. I put on a look of still being happy. Still being fine. Even while I was in more pieces than I have ever been in before. I wasn't even this broken up when my grandpa died. Granted I barely knew him, but still.
Anyways, I pretended that I was okay, told myself that I was okay, told everyone else that I was okay. When in reality I cried myself to sleep so many nights in a row that I caused myself to be sick. I nearly failed all of my classes in the last week of school because I couldn't find the motivation to do any of it. I started hiding out in my barn working on my wood carvings, even though I was terrible at it. I felt so empty and cold that nothing was making me actually smile and laugh. I pretended to laugh and smile when I knew I was supposed to, just to keep people from asking anything. Even now, I find myself completely emotionless to all situations.
I couldn't connect with anyone. I tried. I really did, but I couldn't even be empathetic. I continued trying to help people however I could. Telling myself that I could help them feel better, even if I never would.
After about four months of this I was starting to hate myself, way more than I usually did. I hated myself, because the reason I was the way I was, in my eyes, was a pathetic reason. It felt so pointless crying, and it felt like I was being way more dramatic than I should have.
I was starting to find so many things to do to keep myself busy throughout the days. I was bucking hay through the heat of the day, working in the barn, helping people write scripts, writing with my friends, when school started again, I was coming home my free periods to help my dad build the garage, at home I was helping my mom keep the house spotless, I was self teaching myself the piano, I was doing yard work for people, Monday nights I had Drill down at my local fire station because I started volunteering there, Wednesday nights I had workout sessions with all the Air Force people waiting to go to Boot camp. It got to the point where I didn't have time for everything I was doing. All of this was too keep myself busy.
When I did finally stop doing everything under the sun, I completely stopped. My grades started spiraling down hill again, I hated doing anything. Just getting up in the morning was a chore. I'm trying to get my grades back in order still. I only have two weeks left of this term.
At night now, I stay up until well past midnight, doing whatever, just because I know that the moment I sit quietly to go to sleep that's when my mind starts to wander. My dad questions why I have such a hard time getting up in the morning, and it's because I just don't want to. Anywhere between 1 and 4 is when I've been going to sleep. And I have to get up at 5.
Now, here's where I tell you why all of this happened, and now that I'm writing it out, it really feels like the stupidest, most over the top dramatic thing ever. But on June 7 this year, my best friend and loyal companion, a beautiful gray and white tom cat, named Buzz, vanished.
Buzz had been in my life since I was five. I'm almost 18 now. Thirteen years, of him sleeping on my bed at night, walking with me to the bus stop and waiting there for me when I got home, walking through the pastures and forest with me, sleeping on my lap while I sat next to the fire reading on cold rainy days. If I walked somewhere, Buzz was always with me. When my parents decided that the cats were going to be outdoor cats I would go sit on the chest freezer in the evenings and he would come sleep on my lap there, and we would just sit there until it was late and I was called in. There was absolutely no one in my life that I could spend time with like Buzz. He knew more of my secrets then my family. Somehow he always knew if I was having a bad day because it was always those days that he would come to the door and wait for me to come out.
About two years ago Buzz started losing a lot of weight. We learned that his kidneys had failed, and he probably didn't have very long to live. The vet had told us that he probably only had a few more months. The next year though, he started gaining weight again, and he was starting to look more healthy. We were hopeful, and I let my guard down. I kept telling myself that it was only a matter of time.
That still didn't prepare me for the day he disappeared. The night before as I was climbing off the freezer to go in, I told him "I love you Buzzy, see you tomorrow" and I got up the next morning to find that he was gone. At first I didn't think anything of it because in the mornings he liked to hunt in the neighbor's fields.
Buzz was not our only cat, we also got his sister when we got him. Rosie. She's a long haired female version of Buzz. Rosie was always a kind of antisocial cat. She liked to keep to herself. When she willingly came up to the house begging for someone to hold her, I knew that something was wrong. She clung to me for several weeks. Her fur was unkempt and matted. She took to sleeping in all of the same locations that Buzz would sleep. Even our German Shepard knew what had happened, and he was also trying to comfort me.
I still walk over to the door at night, expecting to see him curled in his spot by the door, and it hurts just as deep as before when I don't see him. And at 2 in the morning, there is absolutely nothing from keeping me from breaking down.
A few months after Buzz vanished my family had gotten over it and they decided to get a couple of kittens. I was not ready for kittens. Honestly, I'm still not, because it feels like we're trying to replace him. The first month of having the kittens we kept them indoors so that they would know that this was home. We got a black kitten and a brown tabby. Similar to how it was when we got Buzz and Rosie as kittens, the little tabby was super rowdy and running all over the place, like Rosie. The little black on though, came right into my room, where I was hiding to avoid them. He curled up right next to me the same way Buzz used to, and I bawled. I don't know how this kitten knew, but he just knew that I needed someone. His name is now Binx. Like how I called Buzz, Buzzy, I have started calling Binx, Binxy. It just sort of happened.
At first I walled myself from both kittens, because I didn't want to replace Buzz. Neither of them could compare to Buzz. Binx, started doing everything in his power to get my approval. He goes to the neighbors field, and has become the best hunter in the neighborhood. Because Rosie can't fight the way she used to, he has started protecting her from the neighborhood strays. He'll walk with me to the car when I leave for school. Buzz was always trying to sneak into the house, and now Binx has started doing it to.
I want so badly to love him like I loved Buzz, but honestly, I'm afraid to. I'm afraid that if I get attached again, I'll get hurt just like I was when Buzz left me.
Buzz disappearing hurt more than anything in my life. And I don't think I'm ready to go back to being as active on here as I used to be. I'll still be a presence, but I don't think I'll be anything more than that. Feel free to come talk to me anytime you want to. I have no problem listening to anyone who needs me. But I'm not going to go back to the way I was.
Thank you all for listening. Please have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

@moss

someone pls kill me
my mom saw my drawing of wilbur soot and showed it to my cousin saying that i drew him and offered no explanation that it was a drawing of someone else so now he probably thinks im really creepy because we aren't even close

@Milani eco

someone pls kill me
my mom saw my drawing of wilbur soot and showed it to my cousin saying that i drew him and offered no explanation that it was a drawing of someone else so now he probably thinks im really creepy because we aren't even close

it depends on how you see wilbur soot. you might think he is attractive or annoying, so it is either a compliment to your cousin or an insult aahhaha .

@moss

we've moved on from that lol i said it wasn't him idk if he heard me but ya im just hoping he doesn't hate me more

Deleted user

so i'm bullshitting my way through an assignment that's 90% of my grade and due two days ago. it's 11:15 right now, so i have to get it done in 45 minutes to at best get an 80% on it(assuming it's up to her standards)
um. it's stressing me out lmao

Deleted user

Askjdnskjdfnksej I'm really annoyed because I just feel so distant and empty. When I'm hanging out with my friends, I'm there physically, but I'm not there mentally and emotionally. All of my responses are automatic and I'm not really in the moment. I'm just on an empty autopilot mode and I'm not really me. Woot woot.

@saor_illust school

okay so happy vent
so on my way back from whidbey island (after leaving the ferry) today i swear a quarter just dropped out of the air my direction
at the time, i thought nothing of it and kept the coin

later in the car i was thinking of six
and i was really missing her
but then i was like
what if?
what if, say

when we die
our bodies may be gone but our spirits? those are immortal
and when we die our spirits leave the body to watch over all those who mourn them
and this is a special coin
i believe it was a coin sent to me from six, a small token
something to use to remember her with
to remember that im not alone
because she is with me
to make sure that i'm okay

and even though i cried a bit
i was missing her
i was in pain
it really really helped to have some belief that there was more than just nothing out there after you die
that somehow
she was still able to be with me, even if i cant see her

@actual-fandom-trash

six is still with you because I personally believe that the universe works in weird ways and sends reminders sometimes and I think we can choose to believe it true that this is simply another reminder from the world that you are not alone. you are never as alone as you think you are. six is there, dear, and she's gonna be watching you grow and she's wanting you to keep going and I know that I don't know her but I know you and I think that you'll soon become someone she'd be proud of you.
oh god this got a lot more longer than i meant it to be, i'm so sorry
in a weird mood ig aksjdnka

@actual-fandom-trash

TW- SH// Relapse

okay im so sorry I've just been rambling and i'm pretty sure there's small mistakes that i don't care to correct rn