forum Your Personal Venting Space 3: Tokyo Drift

Started June 28, 2020 by @The-N-U-T-Cracker

tune

My school is talking about and preparing for another shut down/quarantine. I think my school is the only high school open in the district. It's not for sure yet, but I'm scared because quarantine really fucked me up this spring. Bad.

todays mood:
i slept for a wholeass 12hrs and i'm still tired
i'm just
sad and tired
and i want to cry but i cant
i physically cannot

it has,, been a while since I vented here
long story short my life is over lol :)

i'm so sorry to hear that aft ;-;
hugshugshugs

I feel invisible. I try to talk but I feel like people Faze right through me… I text my group chat and they legit ignore… Im not sure why they act like that-
Also on a whole different other note- My friend took my (metal) bottle and slammed it against my head-

I feel invisible. I try to talk but I feel like people Faze right through me… I text my group chat and they legit ignore… Im not sure why they act like that-
Also on a whole different other note- My friend took my (metal) bottle and slammed it against my head-

Oh my god…did they apologize or anything???

I feel invisible. I try to talk but I feel like people Faze right through me… I text my group chat and they legit ignore… Im not sure why they act like that-
Also on a whole different other note- My friend took my (metal) bottle and slammed it against my head-

Oh my god…did they apologize or anything???

Yah and wow… Ive never seen my school nerse that mad-

I feel invisible. I try to talk but I feel like people Faze right through me… I text my group chat and they legit ignore… Im not sure why they act like that-
Also on a whole different other note- My friend took my (metal) bottle and slammed it against my head-

Oh my god…did they apologize or anything???

Yah and wow… Ive never seen my school nerse that mad-

At least they apologized but still :/ that’s fucked up

Ella, that is terrifying. What did you come out to her as? Like did you tell her about liking girls or did you only talk about sex repulsion and asexuality? You don't have to say, but if you only came out as ace it might be easier to refuse the offer of what I can only assume is an "ex-gay" group.

I only said that I didn’t think I was straight and had no attraction towards guys, however with the way I reacted to the questions I’m almost certain she figured out the rest.
I’m not fully sure about the group, based on what she said it doesn’t actually seem too bad, but there’s still that fear that it’ll end up being much worse
I don’t know and I don’t think there’s much I can do about it

I don't have the same optimism you do. I really don't know what else a group of gay/not straight catholics could talk about in a therapeutic setting other than
1) Suppressing """"unnatural feelings"""" and undergoing soft-core conversion therapy under the guidance of very harmful religious pseudo-science
Or
2) Recovering from the trauma that can result from that

You may very well make friends and find a group of like minded people. You might like it. But whatever they tell you about being "freed from homosexuality" or "it's not about gay to straight, it's about lost to saved/sinful to holy" or "it's not what God intends" or whatever else- just know it's not scientifically accurate. What you choose to do with your feelings is completely up to you, but simply having them (seeing/longing for a cute girl) is not a sin. You know I have a stance that acting on them (maybe getting a girlfriend or something) isn't a sin either, but you don't have to be completely sold on that to reject the bs unnatural brainwash they might feed you. Overwhelming evidence shows that
1) No one can change their orientation or gender identity
2) Having not-straight feelings is natural
3) Ex-gay groups and conversion therapy cause trauma
3) The most beneficial option for not-straight/cis people is to accept their not-straight/cis identity and live their life not trying to supress it, in other words, to live truthfully.

I don't mean to stress you out, but I do mean to warn you. I love you Ella, and I don't want anyone to make you feel like a dirty sinner for being honest about yourself to the rest of the world, because you're a great person with many wonderful aspects and I can't tolerate someone trying to supress any of them. Being gay or ace or trans or bi is not a problem- the problem arises when society makes you feel bad for having those identities. That's what needs therapy, soothing the anxiety that results from a ridiculous society, not changing yourself to please society. People need to change, religion needs to change, Ella. Not you.

I was going to say something about this but I literally could not have said it better myself.
Ella I think if there's an opportunity for your therapist to not tell your mom, I would take it. I know that group sounds good, but I really do think it would do more harm than anything. And like Owen said, I love you and I don't want you to feel bad about yourself or your identity.

alright, I’ll see if it’s possible
thank y’all-

Haha not me failing a major grade and now feeling even more shitty than I already was feeling. I know that’s not really a big deal but I’m just like “wow g r e a t”

Do you ever get those painful waves of nostalgia that kind of make you realize how the best part of your life are over and how you wasted them away being selfish and wishing to grow up and then you kind of realize how it all just goes downhill from there? And then you start thinking about how you're going to waste your entire life doing nothing at all and how you're never going to amount to everything and you're just kind of not ready to let go to the joys and privileges of childhood? What? Me neither.

On a completely unrelated note, I really wanna drink laundry detergent. Not in like that way, I just really wanna know what it tastes like. I mean, I can get a pretty good idea from the smell, but who knows? Maybe it's really sweet, or really sour, maybe it has a strange tang to it, or a horrible after taste? What is the texture like? Does it taste better cold or warm? I mean I'm not gonna do it sadly, but I feel like it'd be really cool to try.

It doesn't taste like it smells it does not

I'm not gonna ask how you know that but-

What does it taste like?

It tastes like burnt rubber and it burns like the Seventh circle, the smell is a lie. same with dishwasher soap it's all a lie. I had the same thought. I wonder what it tastes like and then spat it out and oh man my mouth still burns thinking about it.

Okay. Rant time. Gonna be a little much but who tf cares.

Okay. Rant time. Gonna be a little much but who tf cares.

Spoiler - click to show.

So I'm getting done with musical right? And I'm walking outside. I ask at least 12 people to borrow their phone. they all say " It's dead." So I move on and hope my parents come soon. An hour passes and my mom pulls up, asking how long I was outside….I told her the truth. an hour. and she fucking slaps me….Saying how my dumb ass self could've borrowed a phone and i replyed with. " But everyone I asked their phones were dead" Then she slaps me again ….calling bullshit…. I'm being driven back home….my mom yells at me at how I fail at life and that she wishes I wasn't a dumbass. I'm holding back tears and trying not to scream…as my dad also says he's pissed at me for being so stupid… then my mom says. " I don't respect her…." All because I forgot to call….I'm sorry……God Would it be so bad if I just ended my life now y'know?

I'm sorry to say this, but your parents are horrible people. That's a lie. I'm not sorry. Don't trust their opinions because they're clearly biased against you in some way. Idk what else to say because I'm not good at supporting others, but people would really miss you if you left.

……That seems highly doubtful………sorry I'm just…..I'll shut up now.

I
AM
THROWING
HANDS

not to be rude or anything but i have a grudge against your parents now

IM ADOPTING YOU MY CHILD
WELCOME TO THE FAMILY
HERE YOU WILL BE CARED FOR AND LOVED VVVV MUCH
<3

Oof I can relate. During basketball season, my parents would always be late and the school had these doors that would lock once you went outside and it was during winter time and my parents would always yell at me because I was outside but everyone went outside and i couldn't go back in. Yeah, parents suck sometimes. Also don't end ur life >:( you matter and we all care about u and would miss you if u left.

I um. I'm never really the person to rant. I mean. I'm usually the person that people come to. But as of recently…

Oh, Bleu, I'm so sorry. I may not be as active as I used to be, and I'm not good at giving advice, but I'll always listen if you ever need to PM someone. I may not respond right away, but I'm here for you

If you need books to read as an escape there are always the ones in public domain that you can read online. You can also find some audio books on YouTube if you don't want to pay for them, your local library should have eBooks as well. Usually Libby works for that actually you can get your library card through libby if you don't have one. My Parents used to get mad when ever I watched anime as well so I tried to limit when I watched it to when they weren't around used my own personal device and used head phones.
Do what ever you can to get out of the house, go on walks, if you have a car just drive around, go to a park. go on a hike do everything you can to get away from the house. Call, like actually call friends when you need to talk so it feels more like you're speaking to some one or face time or zoom, have some sort of interaction other than your family. If you need an excuse say you're going on a run or trying to be more active, anything to shut them up and let you leave.
As for siblings being jerks, I don't know how to help there I'm still struggling with that, all I can say is avoid and ignore. If they start teasing leave the room. It's not what the strategy should be but if you want to avoid confrontation that's the only thing I can see to end it.
Family isn't always right, and family isn't always fun and loving or what it should be, and when it is toxic just like any relationship you need to get out until it's safe. So get out of the house when you can, even if it's just going out on the porch for a bit.

Thank you for the advice. That means a lot.

So I’m so sorry, AFT, Ella, and all my gays going through roughness. I’m not gonna change my stance, but that doesn’t mean I am so sorry for what you have to go through.

1) No one can change their orientation or gender identity

Nah.

@CanIGoBack2BedYet. I am so, so sorry. My PMs are open.

Right now's just one of those times where I look back on stuff I did and think "you really should not have done that, you ruined everything". Good times for sure.

@CanIGoBack2BedYet. I am so, so sorry. My PMs are open.

Thanks ……