Austin: What are you doing?
Jarrod: Helping Felix find his chocolate I ate two hours ago.
-
Jarrod: Two, four, six, eight, why do people think I'm straight.
-
Jarrod: How do you sleep knowing that there can be people out there who don't like you?
Felix: Naked, in case they wanna kiss my ass.
-
[Mel teaching Austin how to drive]
Austin: But what if I step on the accelerator and the brake of the car at the same time?
Felix: It takes a screenshot.
Mel:
Mel: How did you get in here.
-
Austin: I once ate 170 jalapenos under 2 minutes.
Austin: Everyone at the hospital was so impressed.
-
Felix: Hey guys! Don't forget to drink water and stay hydrated! :D
Austin: No.
Felix: Then become the dirt I walk on.
-
Mel: Freedom of speech means nothing when we don't have freedom of fists.
Austin: I feel threatened.
Mel: The law protects you, for now.
-
Mel: Gentle reminder not to eat too much candy before bed.
Austin: No.
Mel: This was a gentle reminder, yet your words of defiance bring me ungodly amounts of rage.
Austin: Word.
Mel: I want nothing more than to uppercut you directly to God's door.
-
Jarrod, half-asleep: How would you die in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?
Felix, also half-asleep: Bullet to the head.
Jarrod: By an Oompa-Loompa or Mr. Wonka?
Felix: Charlie.
Felix: I’m feeling a little judged again
Jarrod: It’s probably because I’m judging you
Missy: It’s probably because we’re all judging you
Customer: I didn’t ask for the attitude.
Austin: I know. It’s on the house.
Later
Mel: Thank you for bringing this to my attention. In fact, I'll have him reprimanded here and now.
Austin: walks in
Mel: Austin, I've told you to stop giving stuff away for free.
Felix, on the phone: Jarrod?
Jarrod: Yes?
Felix: Okay, so, hypothetically–
Jarrod: I’m on my way
Austin, who didn't sleep last night again: Ugh, I can’t believe I lost my sunglasses!
Mel, staring at Austin's sunglasses on his head: I’ll help you find them for 20 bucks
Austin: How petty can you get?
Jarrod: I once edited a Wikipedia page to win an argument against Felix after realizing I'd misunderstood something.
Austin: If you spell skeletons backwards it still spells skeletons
Mel: Man, I can’t wait for Halloween to see some snoteleks!
Austin: I’m invoking the “no judgements” part of our friendship right now
Mel: Oh god, what did you do?
Felix: Wait, so you’re gay?
Jarrod: Yes
Felix: But you don’t act gay
Jarrod, sarcastically: Oh, sorry, I lost my rainbow a few days before I met you.
Felix: You peasants, using a knife to cut a cake
Felix, brandishing a longsword: THIS is how you cut a cake
Em: I am an expert at identifying birds
Austin, pointing at a crow: What’s that, then?
Em: That’s a bird. I feel like you should’ve known that
Felix, walking back into the house late at night: Hey I found this dog outside, can we keep him?
Austin, being carried by Felix: whAT THE FUCK–
Jarrod: That's a wolf, Robin.
Mel: Why are you eating a birthday cake? It’s not even your birthday
Austin: The cake doesn’t know that. It's trying its best.
Austin: terrible things happen to good people every day
Felix: consequently, i am not one of the good people. i am a terrible thing
Felix: i have bad news and good news
Jarrod: …what's the good news
Felix: the air bags on your car worked perfectly!
Jarrod:
Felix: i'm going to feed you your own arm
Mel: you look like a corpse
Austin: i've been unconscious for the past three hours to make up for not sleeping for three days
Em: i got you a mood ring so i know when you need a hug
Austin, about to start sobbing: they change depending on heat signatures but thank you
Em: how long can you go without sleep before you start to hallucinate
Austin: three days
Mel: how do you know?
Austin, staring blankly at nothing: there's a deer person behind you
Jarrod: stop throwing up in people's shoes
Felix, drunk off his ass: i will do no such thing
Missy: And what do we say when someone feels wronged by our actions?
Jarrod, deadpan: Hoes mad
Missy: Oh god. What has Thea been teaching you?
Austin: This gives me good ptsd
Mel: …You mean nostalgia?
Austin: Maybe?
Austin: Has anyone ever told you they loved you?
Mel: Do my parents count?
Austin: Yeah
Mel: Then no
Austin: Mel-
Austin: If you had to find your dog in a room with 49 identical dogs that are all equally excited to see you, how would you figure out which one is yours?
Em: I would bring all 50 dogs home and live like a queen
Felix: God, country and pop music is so awful
Jarrod: Cause I–
Felix: DUG MY KEY INTO THE SIDE OF HIS PRETTY LITTLE SOUPED UP FOUR WHEEL DRIVE
Mel: You know that can kill you, right?
Austin, downing six espresso shots in one go: Uh, yeah
Jarrod, smoking a cigarette: That’s the point
Felix, drinking bourbon straight from the bottle: We’re trying to speed this up
Em, eating raw cookie dough: nodding
Jarrod: Your existence is confusing
Felix: How so?
Jarrod: Your presence is annoying, but the thought of anything bad happening to you upsets me
Felix: Girls are hot
Felix: Guys are hot
Felix: You’re hot
Felix: I’m hot
Felix: Why is everyone so hot?
Jarrod: Global warming.
Austin: All I said was that I wanted Dominoes…
Felix: Yeah… and I got you Dominoes
Austin: I mean like some pizza not the whole company
Austin: There is no I in team
Austin: But there is one in pizza
Mel: So you’re not going to share?
Austin: No
Mel: Oh? You slept last night? Okay, name a yellow fruit
Austin: An orange
Austin:
Austin: Wait–
Felix: If I cut off my leg and swing it at you, am I hitting you or kicking you?
Jarrod: You’ll probably end up mentally scarring me more than anything
Austin: Riveting intellectual conversations here
