forum Virtual Creative Writing Club, anyone?

Started July 06, 2019 by @ninja_violinist

tune

Greetings to any that read this. I’m new to this website, and chats like this in general, but I saw the prompt above, the bubble rabbits, and couldn’t resist. I typically write long, dark, and graphic stories, so fair warning.
If possible, I wouldn’t mind some feedback, on pretty much anything about this little story below. Writing technique, the story itself, whatever. I am always eager to improve my writing.
I’ll be using my character, Lucitius, who is, simply put, unique. He is the main character of one of my sagas, a drāckonian (reptilian/draconic humanoid), and is technically a demigod of sorts, but he is functionally insane and devoted to preserving his race. He is also afraid of his powerful abilities, so he avoids using his more powerful talents unless given reason to.
Context: Lucitius had been wandering around in a forest, exploring and seeking something to do. He ends up falling into a hole and passes out, waking in a cavern with no visible exit.
———
Lucitius woke to a pounding headache. He slowly sat up, leaning against a nearby rock. As his blurred vision cleared, he realized that he sat in a cavern, a strange and lively one at that.

Through the center of the cavern, a river lazily flowed, exotic glowing plants growing in and out of it. Lilypads, set in a strange orderly pattern, as if coaxed, were scattered about the river, a miniature path. Above, glowing lichen beamed, revealing numerous floating jellyfish, steeds for what seemed to be the primary inhabitants, small black rabbits with odd bubble helmets.

Lucitius blinked, wondering if he was hallucinating. The strange plants could explain that. Yet, he doubted that possibility for a reason he couldn’t quite discern.

The rabbits hopped about, seeming oblivious to his presence, riding their jellyfish mounts with ease. What was this place? What madness had fallen upon Lucitius to see such a strange little world?

He groaned and leaned back as the headache continued to pound. He rubbed his temple, noticing blood had dribbled down. He followed the trail, noting a gash on the top of his head. How did that get there?

Lucitius glanced up at the ceiling, but found no signs of a tunnel that could explain how he had gotten hurt, or even how he came to be in a cavern. Magic? Technology? Or just a strange occurrence caused by the exotic life in front of him?

He looked down at the river and noticed a rabbit had stopped, staring at him with its dark little eyes. It seemed well aware of his presence, even of his wound. Was this rabbit just a simple creature or was it a true sentient being?

The rabbit turned away, watching, waiting. A few moments passed, then it hopped away. Lucitius sighed.

He reached up and gently examined the wound once more, summoning healing magic. A dim golden glow appeared and the wound knitted itself together. However, the glow seemed to interact with the cavern, and every rabbit stopped, turning to examine him.

Well, that wasn’t a good sign.

Lucitius stopped using the spell, but the glow remained, showing his location like a beacon. He needed to leave!

Lucitius started to stand, but he slipped on the surprisingly slick surface of the rock he had been against. It hadn’t been slick a few seconds ago!

Lucitius glanced around, noting the slow approach of every rabbit in sight. What diabolical genius had created such innocent, yet menacing creatures as this? Or was it nature itself that had done this?

Lucitius managed to claw his way to his feet, searching around for an escape. He noticed a tunnel on the other side of the river and teleported. He regretted that immediately, as every rabbit in a ten foot radius along his path now covered him, digging and pulling at him, reaching for any sore spots or wounds.

Lucitius cried out in pain as one found the gash in his head and he stumbled, falling into the river. A bright flash of light blinded Lucitius and stole his consciousness. The last thing he remembered was the sensation of little feet pulling him along.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lucitius woke to the sound of soothing music. He lay on a table, maybe an altar, a rabbit sitting on a jellyfish floating above him. He sat up, his headache gone.

The jellyfish darted to the side, moving lower. The rabbit watched him, its beady eyes never moving.

Lucitius scrutinized the rabbit, wondering if he could simply apologize and leave, or kill this one and escape. Somehow though, he knew he could not. Somehow, he knew he was in far more danger now than he had been when he first woke in the cavern.

The rabbit tapped the jellyfish with a paw and it moved away, leading Lucitius’ eyes to a nearby window. He stood and looked out, his eyes widening.

Below him, stretching many miles, a massive cave beamed with the glowing plants. A lake rested in the center of the cave, a tall tree reached upward from it, seeming to hold the cave ceiling.

“‘Tis beautiful.”,Lucitius breathed, his rumbling voice heavily accented with a gutteral lisp.

The rabbit turned its head, watching him. Lucitius didn’t notice, too absorbed in the sight before him. The glowing light of the cavern swirled around him, beginning to obscure his body from sight. The rabbit turned away, quite satisfied.

A few minutes passed in silence, then Lucitius collapsed. The rabbit looked at him again and shifted position, sitting tall and proud. It wouldn’t be long before the living light disassembled the newcomer, then a festival could begin. The life-giving tree always needed more nutrients.

@izzyandviolins
this was really cute!! The description especially is nicely handled - it gives a good overview of what's happening without harping on it or dragging it out too much, and it lays out the location very nicely. The little details about the companion are fun too - honking, growling, implied reluctance about family matters - that add nice bits of worldbuilding and characterisation.
One thing you might consider (not here necessarily, since it's an exercise, but it might be helpful to keep in mind) is being mindful of the order you describe things in! Right now we're going cave, rabbits, river, lilypads, coral, seaweed on the sides, rabbits leaping and watching, rabbits flying on jellyfish. The effect is that we're sort of backtracking a bit - here's a cave, but it's a river, the rabbits have helmets, here's where they are, and I can see this because the jellyfish are glowing. it's not that you didn't choose the right details - all of this is relevant, and like I said, it's a well-handled overview with nice descriptiosn! it's more a question of what order the narrator would notice these details in. do they notice the brightest parts first? do they notice moving parts? do they start at the top and make their way down, or vice versa? do they notice things that are close-up, or far away? It can help to picture it as an establishing shot in a movie - is it sweeping around, or are there bits and pieces that add up quickly?
asfkds that got a bit long, and that doesn't mean there's anything wrong as is! It's just a few questions to ask yourself when crafting descriptions, matching them to narration, and keeping the overall flow in mind.
but yeah. thanks so much for sharing!!

@Serpentess
oh hey welcome to notebook!! glad you're here!
This was super enjoyable to read!! you have a great sense of atmosphere - I really get the unsettling, confusing-but-in-a-threatening kinda vibe from the descriptions which is excellent! and adding questions throughout like "what was this place?" gives a nice and immersive look into Lucitius' thought process.
some things I'd keep an eye out for are sentence structure and specificity. In terms of sentence structure, I noticed there's a general pattern of "[subject] [verbed]" in starting your sentences - there's nothing wrong with that at all, but it can be good to keep an eye on it to make sure it doesn't dominate. you've already done a good job of breaking it up with other beginnings, like time markings and questions, but it may be worth looking into adding some transition words (and, because, but, therefore, etc), just to tighten the flow and mark out thoughts as connected to each other.
as for the specificity - sometimes there are constructions like "noticing blood", "summoning healing magic", "stopped using the spell" or "interact with the cavern" that are opportunities for more precise detail on what that action means or looks like. again, this is very much a discretion thing, nothing necessarily wrong or right about it, but it can be something nice to keep in mind! being mindful of how detailed a given aspect is can affect things like pacing, immersion, and worldbuilding, so if you're ever editing for those things specifically in a longer piece this is one way of making those kinds of adjustments.
sooo yeah. this was very well laid out and fun to read, so thanks so much for sharing!!

and prompts!!

music: "Wolves Without Teeth" by Of Monsters and Men _{(yes I only just discovered them 10 years too late what of it–)}

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image: "Behind every hill there is a Giant hiding, they’re very shy so you rarely get to see them " by feefal (that's their tumblr, they're also on twitter but I'm not sure about a website)

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words: from "Demeter and Persephone" by Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Last as the likeness of a dying man,
Without his knowledge, from him flits to warn
A far-off friendship that he comes no more,
So he, the God of dreams, who heard my cry,
Drew from thyself the likeness of thyself
Without thy knowledge, and thy shadow past
Before me,

@izzyandviolins
this was really cute!! The description especially is nicely handled - it gives a good overview of what's happening without harping on it or dragging it out too much, and it lays out the location very nicely. The little details about the companion are fun too - honking, growling, implied reluctance about family matters - that add nice bits of worldbuilding and characterisation.
One thing you might consider (not here necessarily, since it's an exercise, but it might be helpful to keep in mind) is being mindful of the order you describe things in! Right now we're going cave, rabbits, river, lilypads, coral, seaweed on the sides, rabbits leaping and watching, rabbits flying on jellyfish. The effect is that we're sort of backtracking a bit - here's a cave, but it's a river, the rabbits have helmets, here's where they are, and I can see this because the jellyfish are glowing. it's not that you didn't choose the right details - all of this is relevant, and like I said, it's a well-handled overview with nice descriptiosn! it's more a question of what order the narrator would notice these details in. do they notice the brightest parts first? do they notice moving parts? do they start at the top and make their way down, or vice versa? do they notice things that are close-up, or far away? It can help to picture it as an establishing shot in a movie - is it sweeping around, or are there bits and pieces that add up quickly?
asfkds that got a bit long, and that doesn't mean there's anything wrong as is! It's just a few questions to ask yourself when crafting descriptions, matching them to narration, and keeping the overall flow in mind.
but yeah. thanks so much for sharing!!

ahhh thank youuuu

Thanks for the feedback @ninja_violinist, every bit helps! I had noticed my ‘subject-verb’ trend before, but I wasn’t aware of how abundant it was until now. And with the specificity, I notice what you mean, and I also tend to forget that, though I may have a clear image of what’s happening (I’m so used to Lucitius, it’s just second nature at this point), no one else really does. So, again, thank you. I encourage more feedback, from anyone!

And now, the next prompt (my story turned out a bit longer than I thought, but eh, why not?). The shy giants hiding under hills is definitely something I had not thought of before. (I know the title says ‘behind’, but that young woman is hiding under a blanket disguised as a hill. That’s what I see at least). It’s an intriguing twist.

Also, just something funny I wanted to share. My story for the bubble bunnies, I actually didn’t edit. It was just a spur of the moment post. This one, however, is going to have a more thorough inspection before being posted. But, anyway, onward.

Context: Wandering in a land of hills at night/early morning. Lucitius can see well in the moonlight, so nighttime doesn’t faze him.
———
For hours, Lucitius roamed, ignoring dusk as much as the previous dawn. The forested hills rolled from horizon to horizon. Many were simple mounds, tall and short, round or misshapen. Others were waves in the ocean of land, swelling and falling even in their stillness. The trees, most of them oak, were scattered about, some in clusters, some lone individuals sitting like sentinels on their hill.

Lucitius walked in one of the clusters, a tight thicket, brushing through a handful of low branches. As he passed, a few snapped back and banged him on the head, entangling in his horns. A low growl of frustration rumbled in his throat and he ripped his horns free of the branches with a powerful lunge. He then started to pluck twigs and leaves from his horns.

He regretted choosing this path. How many times had these low branches hit his head? His eyes narrowed and he emitted a growling huff as he noticed another patch of low branches near.

Lucitius glanced around for an exit, but the only one he saw would include fighting tons of branches as he climbed up. He huffed again, contemplating how he might escape without dealing with the foul arms of the trees.

On impulse, he teleported to the top of the tree next to him. The branch beneath him immediately gave way and he yelped, reaching for another branch as he mentally screamed to his levitation abilities.

He missed the branch, but his levitation didn’t fail him and he floated lightly, drifting down with the momentum of his fall. An annoyed sigh and several minutes of climbing brought Lucitius back to the top of the tree.

His fingers lightly tapped the broken branch and it snapped off with little resistance. Lucitius blinked in confusion. Why were the trees so brittle, and why did his ability to perch with near-weightlessness not work?

Lucitius glanced over at a nearby branch and pushed himself toward it, floating gracefully until he hovered above it. Gently setting his feet on it, he pressed down on the branch, and, as the first one did, it easily snapped.

No trees Lucitius had ever encountered had been so brittle. Why were these such way?

He pondered his next move when the trees abruptly shifted, as if a gale had burst through them, but there was no wind. Another annoyed sigh.

Grasping the trunk of the tree next to him, he shoved himself away, gliding upward at a diagonal angle. Massive translucent blue wings sprouted from his back a few minutes later, eagerly bursting forth from their sheaths against his spine, and Lucitius propelled himself much higher than his levitation could ever hope to.

He settled far above the hill and angled his wings down, flapping mightily and producing a strong wind, like the invisible gale. The hill ruffled like a thrown cloth, large curled legs peeking out. A giant woman, young and beautiful, sprung out from under the false hill with a yelp and hopped beneath another.

Lucitius scrutinized the, now flat, hill she had been under, realizing that it was a sort of blanket, apparently covered in giant thorns. His eyes scanned the landscape, one of endless hills. How many were real? How many hid a giant?

He would have be cautious around the young woman. If he spooked her too much, he would likely be facing families of enraged giants. That, he wanted to avoid.

As a way to bring himself lower, Lucitius simply stopped flapping his wings and fell. He closed his eyes, savoring the rush of air as he plummeted, his hair fluttering in the wind much like his wings.

Heartbeats seemed like hours, one, then three, then nine. Lucitius tilted his wings to slow his descent, and a mighty beat of those same wings brought him to a stop nearly eye-level with the tallest trees around.

A low, almost growling, purr vibrated deep in Lucitius’ throat as he hovered. How he loved flying, the euphoria of the wind’s caress, the tranquility of being deaf to all but the raucous yet playful air. The pity was, he flew so infrequently.

Lucitius burst into laughter as he considered his own musing. How could he always find a way to project his love for his dearest Synthia into every aspect of his wandering?

A hill shifted nearby, ripping Lucitius from his amusing thoughts. He studied that hill, recalling how the giant woman dove under it. She was still there, and apparently listening to him.

Lucitius snorted and hummed a random happy tune, waiting. Minutes later, the hill shifted again. Another chuckle.

The woman peeked out from under the strange blanket, noticing his huge wings before finally pinpointing Lucitius. She quickly disappeared.

Many more minutes of waiting passed, Lucitius casually humming as he admired the moon. A pair of eyes appeared again.

“Greetings.”,Lucitius cooed, still looking at the bright moon.

The woman didn’t move for a long while, simply watching the even rhythm of his wingbeats. Finally, she crawled out from under the hill, the blanket somehow undisturbed by her movements.

She sat cross-legged near her own blanket-hill, chewing her lip. A few moments of timid silence, then the young woman started to speak, her eyes questioning, her voice rambling in a low, timid tone of gibberish.

“Damn, if only I spoke Giant.”,Lucitius sighed.
Tapping his chin, he wondered how best communicate with the woman.

She perked up at his words. Lucitius’ eyes narrowed in thought.

“Mine name is Lucitius.”

The woman, clearly bewildered by his sudden heavy accent, stared. Lucitius hummed, wondering how he could clarify his words for her.

“Mine is… my.”,he stammered, battling his tongue to speak.

“Your name… Lucitius?”,the woman asked, her voice stilted as if she was still learning the human language.

He nodded. A breif smile appeared on her lips, then she softly touched her bosom.

“Gloria.”

“Your name?”

A shy smile brightened her face.

“I apologize for rudely disturbing you. I am unaccustomed to giants. Where might I land without disturbing any others?”,Lucitius inquired.

Gloria tapped a hill behind her. Lucitius glided to an open area then levitated the rest of the way to the ground. Once he had landed, his wings rapidly folded before vanishing from sight entirely. Gloria eagerly laid down on her belly, her bare feet playing with her blanket as she studied him.

Similarly, Lucitius admired Gloria’s red hair for a moment, only now noticing the hue. How much it reminded him of his beloved Synthia and her own fiery hair. He would have to cut his roaming short just to satisfy his urge to caress Synthia’s hair. He quickly pushed those thoughts away as Gloria started to speak.

“What you, Lucitius? I never seen a small someone before.”

“I am unique… yet from a race of creatures called drāckonians. Our home is far from here, another realm truthfully.”,Lucitius replied.

“Another place? Exciting! What it like?”,Gloria beamed. Lucitius shrugged.

“Not as lush as this. ‘Tis a barren place, yet ‘tis still mine home.”,he mused.

Gloria’s grin widened, her green eyes sparkling in the moonlight. Lucitius wondered if she had ever been this fascinated in her life.

A rumbling noise sounded nearby and Gloria sat up, looking to the side and chewing her lip again. She glanced between Lucitius and the source of the noise repeatedly.

“Another giant?”,Lucitius guessed. Gloria nodded.

“Mother.”

The rumbling started again and a nearly hill rose, the blanket slipping off of a massive older woman with the same red hair as Gloria. She stretched her arms and yawned, then glanced over at Gloria. Her eyes widened and she questioned Gloria in their moaning, gibberish language.

The two spoke for a moment, then Gloria nodded, saddened. Lucitius could easily guess what their conversation had been.

“Lucitius, go. Mother mad you here.”,Gloria moaned.

“Very well. Farewell, Gloria. ‘Tis been a pleasure.”

“I make mark on hill, to find me if visit again.”,Gloria smiled.

Lucitius smiled back and bowed deeply at both of the giants, then teleported away. He would get his visit with Synthia soon than he had thought.

Gloria sighed forlornly, glancing her mother’s way. She seemed upset by Gloria’s declaration to leave a mark for Lucitius, but said nothing. Both giants curled under their hills again and the night fell still once more.

Hi, I was wondering if it was too late to join or? If not, I would love to join!

I think anyone can join. I introduced myself with a story for a prompt a few days ago, and no one had any objections.

It's always free to join!! we'd be happy to have you!

sfdfds so in a truly unexpected and shocking turn of events, I was inspired by the word prompt (and like. a single line of the song) and actually managed to write something! it's kind of experimental compared to my usual fare, and relatively unedited, so I'd love it if anyone had any feedback!

sfdfds so in a truly unexpected and shocking turn of events, I was inspired by the word prompt (and like. a single line of the song) and actually managed to write something! it's kind of experimental compared to my usual fare, and relatively unedited, so I'd love it if anyone had any feedback!

"mournful whisper of the wind" I loooooooooved that!

so a while back i saw something that involved a god being promised a love, and all i could think of was "what if the gender was the opposite of the expected" and now i have an arrogant playboy god that is definitely getting played by a trans fate goddess

enjoy this midnight prologue

sfdfds so in a truly unexpected and shocking turn of events, I was inspired by the word prompt (and like. a single line of the song) and actually managed to write something! it's kind of experimental compared to my usual fare, and relatively unedited, so I'd love it if anyone had any feedback!

I absolutely ADORE the general effect of this. It feels really haunted and I genuinely was tense the entire way through. The concept is also really interesting, and very promising, and even with so little description the character was really fascinating. I like the lack of description too, it makes it feel more tense. One thing maybe? And this is really just style and nothing concrete because your writing is already something I'd happily pay to read but, maybe you could limit the description even more. Give one general element of the street she's in and then immediately focus on the house she's heading to, get into more detail as she gets closer, and then the transition from her walking to her knocking can be really smooth and maybe even catch the reader by surprise.

Wondering if anyone could critique an excerpt from this short story I'm writing? Twigger warning.

She hated them. They lied to her, lied to her about who her family was, lied to her about this for years, yet never blinked an eye. The floor creaked underneath her feet; the door moaning as it was pulled open. The moonlight shimmered through the window, casting a ghastly spotlight on her. They lay there, unaware that their secrets had been unveiled for her to see.
And as she crept to her "father's" side, her hand stroking his arm one final time, a sudden pang of nostalgia to curl up by his side and be his little girl again erupted in her chest, but then it was gone and she was filled with hatred again. The curved knife in her hand came down, and the walls came alive as his blood started covered the walls, as she stabbed and she stabbed until there was surely nothing left of the man other than his lifeless corrupted soul. Then, she crept over to her mother's side, and again, she trailed a tender hand across her cheek, having a tinge of regret for what she was about to do, but then the carved knife came down again, and by now the bedsheets were covered with not blotches of blood, but gushes of blood running down them, like paint on a canvas, and their lifeless bodes aimless splayed upon it.

A piece of art.

That’s pretty good @poetry_girl. Nice detail.
Some suggestions: ‘The curved knife in her hand’ and ‘Then, she crept over to her mother’ could be new paragraphs. It would break up that big paragraph and allow the different scenes to have their own time to shine, so to speak.
The couple ‘but then’ spots seem a bit wordy. One or the other on its own would probably do just as fine. But, that’s just my opinion, everyone has their own different style.
Otherwise, I really like it.

@Serpentess Thanks for the feedback, I did go back to edit that bit but if you want to see the whole story you can check it out here https://www.notebook.ai/documents/133604

"mournful whisper of the wind" I loooooooooved that!

aaah thank you!!!

I absolutely ADORE the general effect of this. It feels really haunted and I genuinely was tense the entire way through. The concept is also really interesting, and very promising, and even with so little description the character was really fascinating. I like the lack of description too, it makes it feel more tense. One thing maybe? And this is really just style and nothing concrete because your writing is already something I'd happily pay to read but, maybe you could limit the description even more. Give one general element of the street she's in and then immediately focus on the house she's heading to, get into more detail as she gets closer, and then the transition from her walking to her knocking can be really smooth and maybe even catch the reader by surprise.

thank you so much!! and I'll definitely have to try that!! this was very much a "throw it at the wall and see what sticks" kind of approach on my end so I really appreciate the tips on how to streamline it a bit more gracefully

thanks to everyone for the contributions this week!!

@Serpentess
This was a really enjoyable read! You have a great handle on the logistics - setting up a scene and positioning all the actors and environment and their interplay can be a lot, and you did that really well. I always felt like I knew where everyone was and the general layout. I also enjoy your style - the language seems deliberately a bit more formal and fantasyesque, which fits the setting quite nicely.
Quick obligatory punctuation note - there are some oddities with the dialogue formatting, specifically the punctuation around dialogue tags. so for example:

"Our home is far from here, another realm truthfully.", Lucitius replied.

has an unnecessary period after "truthfully", because the dialogue and the tag are grammatically still the same sentence. so it should look more like this:

"Our home is far from here, another realm truthfully," Lucitius replied.

Dialogue formatting can be a massive pain, but @Riorlyne has a pretty comprehensive guide over in this thread.
other than that, just a minor thing, but I noticed some of your dialogue tags seem set up to avoid using the words "said" or "asked" (I blame middle school English class for belabouring that particular point). Specialised tags like "cooed" or "mused" or "moaned" carry specific connotations that can drastically affect the dialogue or draw attention to the tags in ways that aren't always necessary - it's very much a discretion thing, but something to review if you want!
again, thanks so much for sharing, it's a wonderful take on the prompt and I had a lot of fun reading it!

@kirky
ok I love this concept?? and the execution!! there's so much characterisation and backstory packed into this already and I'm fascinated. lovely imagery, great sense of detail and description!
small thing I noticed is in a few explanatory asides within sentences? like "continuing now that she had his attention", "chose the wise decision – stay silent" or "despite the complete pointlessness of it with her blindness". I can't quite put my finger on it, but they feel almost? not unnecessary per se, but sometimes they feel like they're interrupting the flow a bit? I think they can add a lot to characterisation and point of view, since they're verbalising and drawing attention to something that was implied in other ways. but in some cases it feels odd to have it both as a drawn-out detail and an aside within a sentence, if that makes sense.
sfjds I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say with this, tbh. it's absolutely a discretion thing! but if you want some areas to review, these might be contenders, I guess
anyway. you can see I'm reaching, because this is really solid overall!! thanks for sharing!!

@poetry_girl
ooh, that got intense!! I love how the description sets up the mood and atmosphere!
in terms of feedback, I think @Serpentess covered it pretty well! your new document seems to be private right now, so if you want anyone to take a look at it you can set it to public by going into Editing mode, selecting the "About this document" feature in the top right, and then clicking on the "Share this document" button.
(thank you for trigger warning it, by the way - in general it's also helpful to add what you're warning for, such as "tw death" or "tw abuse", so that people have an idea what kind of content they might be getting into.)
but yeah. thanks for sharing!!

and prompts!

sound: "Wicked Games" by Ramin Djawadi (I don't know who or what a Westworld is but it looks intense eh)

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image: 剑影波光江流去，莫问过往与归期。, an image series by tobi 泳. I'll add my favourite, but do check out the whole series!!
(Google translate being what it is, I think the title means "The sword and shadow are flowing, don't ask about the past and return date." but like. take that with a grain of salt)

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word: from "We are hard" by Margaret Atwood

A truth should exist,
it should not be used
like this. If I love you

is that a fact or a weapon?

“I had crushes before. The whole deal; the blushing, the stammering, everything. But with her it felt like more. It felt like love. I couldn’t even manage one thought about her without a fantasy forming, couldn’t even look at her without stealing a glance at those irresistible lips or wanting to be close enough to breathe in her tempting aroma. She was a magnetic force - and I was the victim.

“What?!”
Mrs. Poppy shrugs, smiling sadly. “I know, honey, but there’s nothing I can do. I have to close the shop. They keep upping the rent, and our few customers just aren’t enough to pay it.” she reaches up to pat my cheek reassuringly, sighing. “I suppose it’s just as well. I’m old, with plenty of savings. It’s probably time to retire.”
She squeezes my hand to say goodbye, and heads toward her red parked car sitting in the mini parking lot outside the bookstore. I stare after her in shock as she walks away, small, bejeweled, and colorful. The morning is warm, with wind that adds shivers up my back as I process what just happened.
“Mia?”
I turn to find the twins, and sudden regret falls. I’m in no rush to ruin their late morning with such bad news. Unfortunately, it seems neither of us won’t have long.
Owen raises his eyebrows at the closed store. “I know we’re late, but are we closing for the day already?”
Oliver notices the look on my face and frowns, sensing something is wrong…”

Pls help… I have no idea what to do next. Any suggestions?

@kirky
ok I love this concept?? and the execution!! there's so much characterisation and backstory packed into this already and I'm fascinated. lovely imagery, great sense of detail and description!
small thing I noticed is in a few explanatory asides within sentences? like "continuing now that she had his attention", "chose the wise decision – stay silent" or "despite the complete pointlessness of it with her blindness". I can't quite put my finger on it, but they feel almost? not unnecessary per se, but sometimes they feel like they're interrupting the flow a bit? I think they can add a lot to characterisation and point of view, since they're verbalising and drawing attention to something that was implied in other ways. but in some cases it feels odd to have it both as a drawn-out detail and an aside within a sentence, if that makes sense.
sfjds I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say with this, tbh. it's absolutely a discretion thing! but if you want some areas to review, these might be contenders, I guess
anyway. you can see I'm reaching, because this is really solid overall!! thanks for sharing!!

lsdkfsdhgkds thank you!!! i was honestly worried that the writing would fall flat. i jumped into the entire thing after a pretty bad block, and didn't feel as though my writing was up to par just yet

mmmm i see what you're reaching at tho; i felt it while writing, but ignored it in favor of finishing the thing before i crashed. it could be that they don't quite match the overall tone? or even, like you suggested, that they were hinted at already and didn't necessarily need directly pointed out

https://www.notebook.ai/documents/133695
i really hate the ending of this, but i didn't know how to end it and it's actually pretty much two in the morning as of posting this, so yeah. excuses aside, i got inspired and churned out this thing

Thanks for the feedback @ninja_violinist. I figured someone would catch me on the dialogue eventually. I’ve written dialogue as ‘ .”, ‘ for a while now and it’s tricky to do it any other way, though the link did clarify quite a bit (Thank you for that. I have really, really been needing that clarification!). And I know I’ve been having trouble finding an equilibrium for the dialogue tags, a definite work in progress that sometimes works and sometimes doesn’t.

I also thank you for the compliment on the formal speech. And, just to share, a big part of it is actually because of the drāckonian accent (Lucitius is drāckonian obviously). Their language is, by default, very formal (having a traditionalist type society contributes to this). Most of the informalities and contractions that are common for humans don’t exist for them. Sure, if they are speaking human, they don’t have to be formal, but it’s alien for them not to be.

Anyway, onward.

Context: Setting is much like the prompt pic. The bridge extends out quite a bit, but enough to be reasonable. Lucitius is walking along the bridge, seeking the end of it so he can have a nice overlook of the great valley below.

I’m also going to be integrating another character of mine (it just fit). She’s another drāckonian, has no real name, is enigmatic, and is the remnant of a lost timeline (something like a ghost) in which Lucitius marries her instead of his current wife, Synthia.

(Note: This one is a bit dark compared to my previous two prompt stories, and as usual, long. It is a bit suggestive, but nothing happens. I’m also experimenting with dialogue tags in here)
(I’ve got that Wicked Games song stuck in my head now because I used that as ambience while writing. It’s actually really good as ambience!)

———

Cautiously stepping over a loose metal beam, Lucitius glanced ahead. The old bridge, massive and covered in large patches of rust, stretched forth from the mountain behind Lucitius like a hand desperately reaching for its counterpart. Though, it was too far away to see that counterpart.

Lucitius turned to gaze out at the lush valley below, in awe at the small corner he saw. The pristine beauty amazed him. The simple lack of destruction or disturbance, the blanket of fog hiding the ground far below. The nostalgia, the slumber. Who could not feel tiny and inconsequential when looking at such a place?

He looked ahead at the distant edge of the bridge. A light fog obscured it, not yet burned off by the rising sun. However, something moved there, disturbing the mist.

Intrigued, Lucitius resumed his wandering. He carefully picked his way through the rotting beams and loose debris. Could this be a survivor of the world before? Or was this another traveler like himself?

Lucitius slowed as he neared the shattered edge of the bridge, the beams becoming more precarious. He measured each step carefully, sometimes even moving on all fours, slithering like a cat on a narrow windowsill.

On the end of the outside beam, a sturdy platform appeared. Lucitius tested it for a moment, then stood in confusion. Who built this platform and wh…

The sight of a familiar woman, a creature he had thought long gone, froze Lucitius in place. Her long braid of black hair whirled in the air as she twirled, practicing with a slender sword in her hand.

She spun and lunged at him, though she was several feet away. A playful grin appeared on her young face, the crescent shaped burn scar on her blind right eye still grabbing his attention over her amber left eye.

Lucitius fought to keep his breathing calm. Why did he still long for her, despite her ghostly existence and their clear inability of being together?

“Tell me you missed me,”she bade him, her cooing voice a delight to his ears.

Lucitius stared helplessly, fighting the urge to rush forward and kiss her. Why did he always want to kiss her? He barely knew her at all, and she had attacked him in both of their previous encounters!

Her smile widened, baring her pointed teeth and four pairs of fangs. Those strange fangs. She sheathed her sword in a scabbard on her hip, then stalked toward him, the sway of her gorgeous slender body too similar to that of a snake.

“Dance with me,”she breathed in his ear as she circled him. Lucitius managed a response in the form of a defiant snarl.

“You can be coy all you wish, yet I know your heart. I know who you are… in here,”she said, placing a hand on his chest.

“You also know I love another,”Lucitius growled.

“True, yet she is not here now, is she? I beg, Lucitius, it is only a dance I ask of you,”she feigned a pleading expression.

“A dance I refuse.”

“Oh, Lucitius, must I be cruel? I wish not to disturb the peace of this place with your screams… unless they are screams of rapture. Would that not be fun?”she asked, giggling.

Lucitius scowled, or tried to. It couldn’t hold and he moved away from her, staring out at the great valley. His churning emotions faded somewhat as he admired the immense valley. The view was nothing less than absolutely breathtaking.

“This is what we could have known. It is what we could know for a few moments, if you would simply allow it,”she mentioned.

Her hand slipped into his as she stood next to him. The grip seemed so natural, and yet so foreign.

Lucitius glanced at her cautiously. She didn’t acknowledge his gaze, simply staring out at the valley, still and tall like a statue. With the afforded time to look at her, Lucitius finally realized how true she was about them. It was hard to turn away from admiring her beauty, including her scars, the blemishes of her red and black scales, and the occasional stray hair sticking out from her braid.

“One dance, then I leave.”

She turned, her expression calm as if she had expected his response all along. A thoughtful smile grew on her face.

“‘Tis all I ask of you,”she said, her voice quiet.

She led him away from the edge, having to pull him from his initial hesitance. She stopped in the middle of the platform, holding his shoulder and lifting their entwined hands.

“Are you familiar with the human dance called the waltz?”she asked.

“I am aware of it, yet know little.”

“Good. I lead.”

She grabbed his free hand, ignoring his raised eyebrow, and put it around her waist, then instructed him on some simple steps. He quickly matched her movements and pace.

Minutes later, they were twirling around the platform, the ruined bridge and great valley falling away into oblivion. The sun rose above the horizon as they danced, illuminating them with its angelic rays.

Their pace fluctuated periodically, a living form breathing with their movements. Though the pair vaguely knew each other, in that moment it seemed as if they had known each other a lifetime. Each step, breath, and twist complemented the other’s, one entity split in two.

A long time passed before they finally ended the dance, both breathless. They stood near the edge of the platform, Lucitius’ back to the valley.

“Now, was that not lovely?”she asked.

“I will not deny that.”

“Good. And I shall not deny that this will be just as lovely,”she said, a coy rumble in her voice.

She leaned forward and kissed him, her soft, warm lips holding him tight. In his mind, Lucitius screamed to push her away, but his limbs didn’t cooperate with him, holding her instead.

She lifted her lips from his several heartbeats later, and her arm jerked. Lucitius gasped, sputtering as his wide eyes stared at her.

“Forgive me, mine lost love! It seems I am becoming a bit feral with the lack of rest,”she pleaded, releasing her hold on the sword in his chest.

Lucitius’ eyes filled with tears, whether from emotional or physical pain was unclear, and she gently pushed him. He fell back, plummeting to the ground far below. A few moments later, she stepped forward, a cruel little smile on her lips as he burst through the blanket of fog.

Many minutes passed before she moved again, then her form dematerialized into a featureless ball of smoke. She twirled down to the valley floor, rushing to see her deed.

When she found Lucitius sprawled in a crater of his making, she lightly floated over to him, slowly recreating her humanoid form and becoming corporeal again. She kneeled next to Lucitius, unfazed by the blue blood pooled beneath him, and stared at those lifeless eyes of his. They moved to glare at her, a quiet wheeze announcing his shallow breath.

She gasped in shock, then laughed at her stupidity. How could she have forgotten this? Lucitius, as powerful as some weak gods, wouldn’t die by a simple sword thrust to the heart!

“Oh, Lucitius, though I desire rest, I am afraid I am stuck with you, and you with me. I am simply too weak to kill you. Yet, as I said before, mine love, I am becoming feral, like many others of mine situation,”she sighed.

She plucked the sword from Lucitius’ chest, eliciting a groan from Lucitius, and licked his blood off the blade. She then sheathed the sword and kissed Lucitius again.

She straddled his torso, caressing his cheek. A shaky hand rose from the ground a bit, claws reaching for her. It fell to the dirt a few moments later, Lucitius being too weak to properly use any of his limbs.

She tenderly licked his cheek with her thick forked tongue, then straightened a bit, looking down at his dazed expression and drooping eyes. A grin curled her lips.

“Sleep well, mine love. When you wake, you shall be completely healed, and I shall be lurking,”she whispered, her breath hot on his cheek.

Smoke billowed around her, engulfing her body then fading, taking her with it. Lucitius groaned in misery, shifting a leg. Unconsciousness came mercifully quick, taking from him the agony of a literal and figurative broken heart.

@wordlesswriter
ooh, you've already built up plenty of intrigue even in a relatively short space!! Very solid descriptions and dialogue!
one sentence that I'm not entirely sure how to parse is "Unfortunately, it seems neither of us won't have long" - neither and won't are both negatives, and I'm not sure which other character is included in the "neither". other than that not much to say in the way of critique.
when you say you don't know what to do next, is that more along the vein of "I know what I want to do but not how" or more like "I have no idea where this is going"? Some options would be to introduce the new characters (who are the twins? how are they related to Mia and Mrs. Poppy?), or to give more context for what happened (how are Mia and Mrs Poppy related, and what does this mean for Mia?). it really depends, tbh. but thanks for sharing!!

@kirky
ooh what an amazing concept!! once again, you have a great handle on mood and tone, which sets up the mystery very well and brings it to a clean resolution. I honestly think the ending is pretty clever and well-set-up!
if you really want to review the ending, I'd honestly just recommend focusing on the last sentence - it might be helpful to spread the information out a bit more to make sure it doesn't feel rushed.
other than that, I noticed that the first few paragraphs are relatively heavy with adjectives and description in every sentence. and there's absolutely nothing wrong with adjectives or details!! It's just something to keep an eye on to make sure the reader isn't overwhelmed. for example, in cases like "howled and screamed" or "desperate and coughing" or "circling and salivating" or "hissing and steaming", there might be ways to express the same mood with less words. just something to think about - descriptions are a fickle beast and everyone ultimately handles them differently. you definitely have a good grasp on them already.
also very minor nitpick but I wonder about the word choice of "finagled"? it feels slightly out of place in my head but that may just be an ESL thing. but yeah. thanks so much for sharing, I really loved reading this one!!

@Serpentess
oooh, this got intense!! I really enjoyed how you set this up - maybe it's just because I have the image you're going off of but the imagery feels very vivid. The simile "like a hand desperately reaching for its counterpart" was very well placed!
I noticed a few phrasings that felt slightly odd to me? like "in awe at the small corner he saw", or "slithering like a cat" or "realized how true she was about them" - sometimes I'm not entirely sure what they're meant to express, sometimes I do know but it takes a bit to get there. It's all up to discretion, of course, and I do get that the general style sometimes invites more obscure phrasing. nothing wrong per se.
other than that, I'm really interested in the perspective - it seems like at first we're all the way in Lucitius' head, but then it zooms back into a more general third person, and after he gets injured we get more into her head. It does make sense to do it like this, but in general it's something to keep an eye out for when reviewing writing - very abrupt shifts in perspective without warning can be confusing, especially if the narration starts out completely limited to one character's viewpoint. not that that's happening here or anything, just something to be aware of.
but yeah. thanks so much for sharing!! (I also appreciate that you added a warning for the slightly suggestive content! always good to give folks a heads up)

prompts!!

music: "Look Who's Inside Again" by Bo Burnham

---

image: asfjds really not sure about the title here. but it's by DemizuPosuka

---

words: from "The Life of a Writer" by Jalynn Harris

the life of a writer is desire
i hammer into the page
i make up my mind: the streetlight

is not the moon, but anything can be
made beautiful under the ease
of my hammer

picture prompt and also little nightmares cause I'm getting similar vibes :) got a clear image in my head and idk what it is but here

---

Perched on the brick chimney, Diego watched as two small children were herded into darkness by a man with a briefcase. He was not being gentle, though not particularly aggressive; Diego thought him better than the previous briefcase that had come to visit. At the familiar creak of a staircase that meant the three would be out of sight, Diego lightly leapt onto the roof below, landing silently despite his bulk.
He placed his foot halfway over the drop, leaning forward carelessly just in time to see the strange man shut the door to the third floor behind him and the children.
Diego leaned back and cleared his throat.
A third small child peeked out from behind the chimney.
"Are they inside?" she squeaked, hands tightly twined in front of her. Diego scratched at his stubble distractedly, nodding. She smiled breathlessly and sat down. "That's good."
Diego looked down at her and offered a smile, bringing a finger up to his lips. She quietened instantly.
Stay here, he mouthed. Her eyes widened but she nodded.
He edged his way back to the drop and jumped down without hesitation. Landing at the top of the fire escape, he paused. Had they heard him?
The silence told him no. He took the stairs three at a time, holding himself by the railing to silence the landings. He easily crept to the third floor door.
Up against the wall Diego could make out the dialogue from inside.
"My report told me I was coming for three children," he heard briefcase say.
Alice's voice came next, cold and proper. "Children, you know. She must have run off."
A thump and another thump told Diego the two children inside had been pushed into the wall– Alice gasped.
Keep calm, Diego urged them in his mind. Come on, Al.
"Indeed. Tell me, Miss Alice, I have heard of similar incidents around your establishment. Children disappearing when we come for them."
"Have you?" Alice asked innocently. "How very strange."
Diego could easily picture the sharp smile on briefcase's face. "If you say so. I would ask you, only that it'll turn out better for everyone involved, that you keep your children under control. They are vital to us, as you know."
Someone began walking around the room. By the weight of them, Diego guessed that it was Alice. Whispering and a single little sob followed. Alice was saying goodbye.
Diego edged closer to the door as the mam beckoned to the children. Before long a door inside had opened and shut and Diego stood in the office, holding Alice's watery gaze. They held a question in their eyes.
"She's safe," Diego whispered. Alice nodded. "I'll go get her." Alice nodded, Diego backed out of the room. He circled back to the top of the stairs and tapped the roof. Little footsteps came to the edge and the girl jumped down into his arms. She latched on instantly, shaking in his grip, and he brought her to the office. Without a sound, Alice opened her arms and the girl ran into them. All three of them sat in silence until night fell.

So sorry I haven't been active for a while, but here are a few poems I wrote this week!

"The world sat still,"

As she held my hand,

The world seemed to sit still,

And she smiled,

Thinking about how

Love could be so deep,

So meaningful,

So powerful,

That it could stop time for even a second.

"Honey,"

Poetic words flowed from her mouth,

So sweet; like honey.

And if she was my honey,

I was her bee,

who couldn't get enough of her

and her wild and free nature.

"Freckles,"

Why would I need to look up at the night sky,

When I have entire universes -

Stars, Constellations, Galaxies

-traced between the freckles

That dance across my skin.

@ninja_violinist
Oh thanks! This is the first chapter, so the twins have already been introduced, but I'll keep it noted to add a little more about them. My grammar is pretty bad in every first draft, so I'll definitely change those parts! Much appreciated!:)

remus's moment of realization when he sees pettigrew on the map. I hate heavy emotional moments they're so hard to write so any feedback would be epic

---

I had a rush of déja vu the second Harry handed me the parchment– he even moved like James. The map was identical to the last time I had seen it decades ago, and I thought that someone must have taken such good care of our little creation. What legacy for a band of the greatest men I ever knew.
The door closed behind Harry and I unfolded the dusty paper in my hands, nostalgia blooming in the pit of my stomach.
I solemnly swear that I am up to no good, I murmured, tracing the edges of the page. Red ink traced its way into patterns and walls and almost immediately something stood out. A name. A name I had grieved for 12 years now walking near me.
I knew better than to doubt James then and I always have. In all my years of hatred and torment I doubt I have ever felt as breathlessly broken as I did then, standing silently in a classroom, staring at his footsteps wandering. Ice flooded my veins and an unwilling choking sound echoed around me as doubts seized me by the throat and sent me crashing into the desk behind me, grabbing anything for support as everything except my absent breath and the old piece of parchment disappeared. Beneath the hammering of my sobbing heart thoughts collected– of bloodied fingers and laughing murderers, accusations and betrayals. Everyone most important to me disappearing in an instant at the hands of the person least likely among all of us. The one who had meant the most. His young face so full of innocence seemed to appear before me and I remember with a sharpness that comes only from agony that my first thought was a selfish one– how happy I could have been.
Years of belonging to a family that had appeared and disappeared from my life now came flooding back, drawing tears, drawing a shuddering breath, drawing memory after memory of young men planning their lives over mugs of steaming beer and dreams, so many dreams, and love, and the rage.
Rage had bitten into everything inside of me, more than ever before. It had sent my saving grace to jail and erased him from the world’s memory; and I, who knew better than anyone what it was to be found a monster by every pair of eyes you came to face, had sentenced him to the same.
At the image of his sallow face rotting in a cell of despair the last of my life caved in and the sound of an opening door drew the classroom back into focus. I had torn a hole in the map, just under a spot of red ink that placed the man responsible for my misery just two floors above me. The rat among us.
Whatever I had done in my youth– whatever had happened, it wasn’t about to happen again.

Thank you @ninja_violinist for the feedback on the previous prompt. Also, I’m really sorry it took me so darn long to reply. I’ve had some real life events going on, along with being completely blank on this latest prompt. I’ve been figuratively banging my head against the wall to figure something out for it. Nothing. Oh well, it happens.

After you mentioned it, I did notice how those little spots in the story seemed a bit vague, and it is something I catch myself doing every now and again. I can get too caught up in the dramatic action or detail to remember to be concise, and then miss the mistake in editing. It’s a work in progress.
Or, I just get stuck in editing, and can’t figure out how to fix the vagueness issue after having tried dozens of times. It can sometimes take me forever to realize that I simply do this or that, and boom, fixed. I hate it when that happens.

In regard to the pov shifting, it’s something I like to do, but I definitely understand to keep an eye on it. I remember the first time seeing the term ‘head-hopping’ and I was horrified because my stories at the time were full of it, so yeah. But, I’ve learned to ‘drift’ into another perspective, and it’s worked for the most part.

oh my god im super late, but am I able to join still?