forum Your Personal Venting Space 3: Tokyo Drift

Started June 28, 2020 by @The-N-U-T-Cracker

tune

Me: wow I did a thing and it looks good. Let's do it again
Me, doing it again: ………why is this so hard

bruh i just drew something i actually like but its on the back of a marker page and you can barely see it through the bleeding

Me: wow I did a thing and it looks good. Let's do it again
Me, doing it again: ………why is this so hard

What was it?

Me: wow I did a thing and it looks good. Let's do it again
Me, doing it again: ………why is this so hard

What was it?

A r t

Me: wow I did a thing and it looks good. Let's do it again
Me, doing it again: ………why is this so hard

What was it?

A r t

mood

i feel like a zombie
like i wanna not exist so desperately and i wish i could already not exist so this constant looming hopelessness would stop, but i can't bring myself into the real world or even move enough to do anything about it
can't cry, don't even feel like crying, or expressing any emotions at all
i can only just scribble repeatedly until i feel better
hopefully i feel better soon cause this is really miserable

I feel Not Good, but at least my tendency to over explain everything came in handy today who knew that spelling out exactly how to get to the band entrance in excruciating detail would be useful? Not me, that's for sure
I've used "excruciating" twice today (three times now I guess) and for some reason that feels important

Holy

FUCK

who decided to put me in charge of the flutes??? I'm not qualified to lead. Why did I do this
WE'RE FUCKED, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LEAD
I don't even know how to START teaching fundamentals and I'm supposed to teach two people everything all by myself?? We only have two upperclassmen and I'm the only senior, I'm so screwed
I
I can't even clap properly
How
Fuck
Fuck
Oh fuck

Is this a thing you need to be a flute to do, or a leader, or both? Bc maybe we can help.

no, the band teacher is the one whose suppose to be teaching everyone

Is this a thing you need to be a flute to do, or a leader, or both? Bc maybe we can help.

It's marching. I know how to march, but I don't know how to go about teaching it. And because of c, we can't be in a large group, so section leaders (me) are in charge of teaching instead of the band directors

I mean maybe we could help her learn to teach.^^

I mean maybe we could help her learn to teach.^^

Highly doubtful

Do you have like some teaching book you could use?

Also what are you suppose to teach them?

Do you have like some teaching book you could use?

If I did, there wouldn't be a problem

Hatchet pisses me off so much

The book?

I'm ready and willing to debate the book if that's your intended meaning

Never read it lol

Same

I read Hatchet once when I was like 13 and then never again. It was meh

I read it as part of a school project and hated it

The book?

Yeah

Brian's(is that his name?) absolute lack of what I think is common knowledge and survival skills annoys me to no end. i know its cuz i grew up going into the forest and researching survival skills, but still. some of what he does is so unbelievably stupid

I'm pretty sure I read the Hatchet once (maybe?) but I don't remember it at all

Ok
I haven't done this for a while but here it is, I'm going to rant, vent, spew my inner emotions on to a screen for others to read.
I hecking hate being at home. I really really don't like it. I Love my family so so much, I love my mother. I still despise being at home.
For context, I am child number nine out of Eleven (Please do not poke fun at this I get it a lot and I am sick of it. Every one of my siblings deserve to be here so do not poke fun at it. I don't snap on this website, I just don't. But I will if you poke fun at my family)
So Currently I am living with 11 people.
My Mother, Bless her heart, just loves to make us have these long family activities, which is fine, for about ten minutes before I need 3 hours to recharge. After the ten minute mark If I am talked to I get very anxious and I'll start to lash out. Lashing out means getting talked to more which means more stress which mean's more lashing out and so the cycle of escalation begins. Or Instead of lashing out I will attempt to keep my cool, and My family is not the type to understand when you need space. We are talking, tease a crying person and laugh at a crying person, and proceed to be confused when said person has a nervous breakdown. Yes I am that person, I am usually that person. And If I try to say something about it my mother just doesn't understand what is going on. She doesn't understand how my brain works. For example I am terrified of heights and wide open spaces My brain literally starts to shut down when I am on a cliff or really up high I will cry, cling to other people or anything around me, and on occasion curl up into a ball on the ground. Her response to this is "You have two feet on the ground, your fine"
But she isn't a bad person and she isn't a bad mom she just doesn't understand these things and when she was a teen is so far back in her mind she can't sympathies with what I feel. She is 56 she had me when she was 40, Those emotions where a long time ago and her memory is failing. And I am not an easy kid to raise, I am not an easy Teen. I get upset over the littlest things I hold onto grudges like they're currency. I don't let people in, I find it hard to articulate my emotions. I am not an easy kid to raise.
Last thing before I end this. I am 1 of 8 daughters, 7 of which are older than me. That mean's that no matter what I do I will always be compared to them, always. I just want to be seen as and Individual. My whole life has been spent being looked at and told "Oh you're a valentine aren't you, Your sister is so smart, she was my favorite student I'm sure you'll be just as great". I'm sick of doing something and being told "Relsey you're acting like S." Or "Well, L doesn't complain, she does what I ask." I am sick of being part of a matching set. I just want someone to look at me and see Relsey not, K's face with S's personality and a bit of L's Charm and a tad of M's wit.
I'm not a remix, I'm an individual. I am similar to my siblings in many ways and I know it, I have spent my whole life being told how much I am like them. For once I want to be looked at for who I am not who they were.
So to circle it back to the beginning, Being at home is really really hard. I have spent quarantine being forced to spend time with people who find amusement in my pain, and have issues with my inability to spend time in groups. I understand why we are at home, I know it's important but it is so hard to be constantly reminded that I am part of a set. I hate it, I feel like I'm in a cage. I have five big fears, and one of them is being trapped, and I am always trapped.

This is going to be complete gibberish but y’know bare with me:
So I joined booktok and stuff and bought a bunch of the books their always recommending including Acotar, The Infernal Devices, The Selection, etc. and they’re great but like now I spend all my time thinking about fictional characters again and it kinda makes me sad that I’ll never be good enough for those worlds also I started self-harming again so that’s lovely.

Brian's(is that his name?) absolute lack of what I think is common knowledge and survival skills annoys me to no end. i know its cuz i grew up going into the forest and researching survival skills, but still. some of what he does is so unbelievably stupid

Im mean yeah but wasn’t he literally like 13 or something? And the shock of suddenly being put in a survival situation may have blocked any prior knowledge he had. He shouldn’t have just drank the water tho that was just dumb but y’know he was desperate

Brian's(is that his name?) absolute lack of what I think is common knowledge and survival skills annoys me to no end. i know its cuz i grew up going into the forest and researching survival skills, but still. some of what he does is so unbelievably stupid

That's kinda a part of the book? I think?
We read it in one of my classes and analysed it. I think a big part of what the book is saying is that human's are cripplingly reliant on technology to survive. I read it as a warning, we are not so reliant on tech that we couldn't survive at all in the wild, but we are at a point where a lot of us couldn't, and that spells disaster for any species.