"Don't make him sad."
"Yeah, don't make me sad."
"He deserves to be sad like the rest of us."
The "rest of us" burst into laughter
"…are you guys okay??"
"No."
"What do you children need?"
"Therapy."
"Serotonin."
"Oooh, my mom is bringing me drugs."
"What kind?"
"Tylenol"
"Oh, not the good kind"
"Spicy bodies!"
"Bring the pickles."
"SpongeBob's a furry now this is canon"
“Sorry Ben, didn’t know you were such a control freak.”
Just wait, in 10 years some poor guy will be telling a story like “It was super weird, this girl with no legs, giant cat ears, and a sailor suit crawled over and said to me in this really weird, almost incomprehensible voice “is the 36th pwesident in between ur legs cuz dat’sh a juicy lyndon b johnshon >u<“ and yeah that’s how I met my wife”
~my friends
"Grind it up and snort it like cocaine."
"Some of y'all haven't run since gym class and it shows."
"I run from my responsibilities on a daily basis so joke's on y'all."
"Alright, let's guilt Mommy into paying more for cable."
"if you encourage children to enjoy screwing- wait please don't take that out of context"
"And this is where I keep the boooTTLES OF SODA, NO BODIES IN THIS FREEZER, JUST ICE CREAM."
"Greetings, would you like to hook up?"
"Yeah sure."
snares you with my fishing rod and ties you to the roof "Hooked up."
"Is that a shoplifter?"
Pulls out my nunchucks from my Home Depot vest.
"I have been waiting for this moment. Welcome to my dojo, bitch."
"if you wanna walk out, dressed as bubbles, be my guest"
"you are destroying the traditions! you have to die!"
"yeet the baby up the stairs"
"Just stab the coyote with your scissors."
"Oh yeah, because stabbing an apple and a coyote are definitely the same."
"They're both…soft and fleshy?"
"I thought that was Charlie Chaplin in a fur suit."
"We're gonna get lost in the woods to find a cow we maybe heard, and you're complaining about us jumping the creek and not being sane?"
"I like that you thought, hm, whats more me?? A BROTHEL. THAT'S MORE ME."
Four words for you: Gamer. Girl. Piss. Bottle. Alright bye talk to you later
“That thing was decommissioned long ago, it doesn’t have any missiles-“ * MISSILES EXPLODING 10 FEET FROM CAR *
Four words for you: Gamer. Girl. Piss. Bottle. Alright bye talk to you later
The coveted Jarate!
"Alright, put on your blindfolds and get in the car!"
"YAY! wait what"
"Heck, sorry, I'm not trying to harass you."
"Wait did I cause a national coin shortage??"
"Are you just hoarding all the coins?"
"Maaayybee.."
"I got my medical license revoked, because apparently, surgically attaching children to toilets is 'cruel', and 'an inhumane potty training method'."
"Why steal from Amazon when you can just…steal Jeff?"
"Why steal from Amazon when you can just…steal Jeff?"
big fucking brain
“If some people do not finish this race, that’s probably my fault.”
“A zebra colored cow”
“If some people do not finish this race, that’s probably my fault.”
Your pfp improves this greatly
Deliberately gay vampire worldbuilding.
Deliberately gay vampire worldbuilding.
Twilight didn't do this and that's why it's not valid
Along with the stalker stuff and the racism