"U-Um… yeah… whenever Halm goes out and leaves me here with Zachary, it… it feels like he's just given me a new caretaker of sorts so he can leave and be rid of me for a while…" Cas replied weakly. "And when Nix is with him, I'm definitely scared he won't come back… I need Nix more than anyone."
Gloria nodded gently as Halm blanched a little. Was that really how Cas felt about him along Zachary to stay with him?
"Do you want to try something to help with that feeling? Halm must have seen how much you need someone to be with you. When he had to do things that he can't bring you along with, he wants to make sure you're safe and cared for. The same for Nix."
"Y-Yeah, I guess so, and obviously Zachary is great and all I just… I-I dunno…" Cas sighed shakily and buried his face in Zachary's chest. Nix was pale as well and looked up at Halm, unsure what to do. "Especially since they always leave at night when I'm sleeping… l-like they don't trust me to know why they're ab– I-I mean… leaving me here for a while…"
Halm's hands were a bit shaky as he held Nix close. Was this really how Cas felt? They couldn't leave at night anymore. They would probably have to stop until Cas felt safe with them leaving him alone.
"When they abandon you?" Gloria said gently. "I'm sure they don't want to do that. They always come back."
Cas hiccuped a bit. "I-I know they're not really abandoning me, b-but I… I just… I can't know for sure that they're coming back until they do…" A few more tears rolled down his cheeks and drew in a shaky breath.
Zachary kept wiping all of Cas's tears away carefully, trying to help as best he could.
"So you're scared when they leave you with Zachary. You're afraid your a burden, that they don't want to be with you anymore."
Cas nodded weakly, more tears beginning to fall. "And… a-and they've got every fucking right to leave me, I-I just… I c… c-can't… I don't know what I'd do with myself if they didn't come back one day…" Nix kneaded Halm's shirt nervously, feeling horribly guilty.
Halm held Nix a bit closer, the guilt all over his face. He didn't want Cas to feel like they were going to leave him like that. Zachary held Cas, brushing the tears away and cupping his head lightly.
Gloria nodded a little, keeping a frown off her face.
"Why would they? You need them, and they can see that."
"Because I'm just a burden all the time and I can't even fucking be alone… I need someone with me like, 24/7 or I'll end up hurting myself, either on purpose or on accident. I was left unattended like, once, and I literally died. I'm pathetic."
Gloria thought Cas was exaggerating, but one look kat the others told her otherwise. She… Wasn't sure how to handle that.
"But you're alive now," she reasoned gently. "That means they want you around."
"They don't have any choice… that other god was gonna kill me, so Halm claimed me. He's basically forced to keep me around. I'll be stuck here for eternity…" Cas sighed shakily, clinging to Zachary.
"He must care about you," Gloria said, "to have saved you. And he must have known you'd be with him f-for… Eternity. He won't abandon you." Zachary let one hand go to Cas's back, rubbing him. He rocked a little, holding Cas close. He kept silent, but he wanted to show Cas support in this.
"I-I just… I hate thinking about eternity… being stuck anywhere forever… I'll be reborn here when I die again and I won't have any of my memories, so I'll just grow up here. This place is going to be all I'll ever know in my next lives. I'll just keep dying over and over just to be born again into a life with no opportunity. I can't get a job here, I can't do much of anything. I-I have no purpose here…"
Gloria nodded a little.
"Have you tried talking to anyone about this? Perhaps there is something you could find together so you can have purpose." Everyone but Cas seemed to have a purpose in the room. Even the cat.
"W-Well, I dunno… I'm not good at anything. My dad never even taught me how to do basic skills and I've never been able to learn on my own… I'm too stupid and incompetent to really do much… I just… I want to do something, but I don't know what I'm even capable of doing…"
"There must be something you can do." Gloria looked up at Hall, who nodded.
"We'll find something, Cas," Halm spoke gently. "I'll help you find something you can do." He reached out, gently putting his hand on Cas's shoulder.
Cas shied away from Halm a bit, clinging more tightly to Zachary. "Like what? I'm useless. I can't even fucking read."
Zachary shot Balm a furry look for using Cas, immediately regretting it. He held Cas close, looking away. Oh shit. He was in trouble. Halm had glared Zachary down, turning to Cas and expression softening gently.
"When you're able to, you could help in the garden, or even just help around the house. I could teach you how to cook, or even read if you want to."
"B-But I can't help in the garden… the water could kill me again. And you don't need me there… you've been doing it alone for years…" Cas sighed, burying his face in Zachary's chest again.
"Alright then, not the garden. But that's just it, I have been doing it alone for years. It would be really nice to be able to show someone else how to do it." Zachary rubbed Cas's back again, wanting to hide him away from all these horrible thoughts Cas was prone to.
Cas sighed softly, tucking his head under Zachary's chin. "But you don't need me… no one needs me. That's why they all took advantage of m-me…" He hiccuped a bit, quivering again.
Halm moved a bit closer to Cas, still holding Nix in his lap. Gloria was jostled around a bit, wanting to interject, but Halm picked her up, slipping her into one of his pockets. That could have easily been Cas's fate. Just tucked away somewhere, out of the way. Truly just a burden for Halm to deal with.
"I need you Cas," he said. "You've come into my life, and I know I could never go on if you left."
"Why couldn't you? I'm just a random pathetic human… you're a god, and you've been going it alone for fuck knows how long. W-What you really need is to get rid of me…"
"Cas, I've been isolated for millennia. You've shown me what it's like to be strong someone else all the time, and it's so amazing, Cas. I would never get rid of you." Zachary gently rubbed Cas's back, daring to shift him away from Halm a little.
Cas rubbed at his eyes and looked away, clearly not convinced. "I'm not strong… look at me. I'm falling to pieces over nothing. I'm about as strong as a fucking wet cracker."
"You were strong enough to make it this far," Balm said gently. "You were strong enough to come back from dying, Cas. There are so many who haven't been able to do what you've done."
Cas hiccuped a few times, burying his face in Zachary's chest again. "B-But I'm so pathetic… and I was always too much of a coward to actually kill myself…"
"You're not a coward because of that, Cas. You're never a coward for not killing yourself. You've made it so far in life Cas, you've made it here. So, so many people would have, and have, given up if they had led a life like this, but you've made it." Halm sat in front of Cas and Zachary now.
"Nix is literally the only reason I haven't. Who would feed him if I died? Who would take care of him? It's not like I ever had any fucking friends. I had a few people who used and abused me, and that's the best I fucking got. And you know what? As much as I bitch and whine about it, that's what I deserved. I'm a pathetic child and I'm not surprised that people took advantage of me."
"You don't deserve it," Halm said firmly. "You've never deserved it. People took advantage of you, they hurt you, and no one should have ever laid a finger on you." Zachary held Cas a bit closer, but he agreed with Balm.