Sleep Deprived Insomniacs Club

@SupernaturalSyGuyIsTIred

July 22, 2020

I've had birthdays where I was feeeling blue because I didn't have anyone to cellebrate with; it can be sad when nobody (friends & family) wants to wish you a happy birthday.

March 24, 2031
Levi gently shook her hand, and told her his name. Ari took notice that he looked like a dying man.
“Are you alright? Would you like me to come back at some other time?” She asked Levi.
“No, no. Please, do come in.” He unobstructed the doorway, stretched an arm into the house, and let her inside. Ari stood in awe at how modern the living room looked. She found her way into the kitchen, and set the dish down on the countertop.
The kitchen in Levi’s house had dark blue walls, black marble countertops, red cedar-oak cabinets, and blue pine flooring. The sinks and faucets were made of gold, which has become extremely rare. An island could be raised or lowered in the center of the room. A red chestnut table stood in an alcove that was to the right surrounded by eight ornately designed aluminium chairs.
“You’ve got a very lovely home Levi!” Ari told him.
“Thanks Ariana. So, what delectable thing did you prepare for me?”
“Oh, I almost forgot! I made you my famous black cherry double fudge brownies!” She pulled the lid off of the tray; smiling as she spoke. Levi couldn’t help but drool and think of how deliciously right the name of these confectionery sweets sounded.
“That sounds so good!” He said.
“Oh, it is!”
“How long have you lived in Sanford Ariana?”
“I’ve always lived here, yet I moved because I had a vision that a new psychic would need my help.” This is when Levi realized that his new, beautiful neighbor was the psychic mentioned in ‘The Sanford Chronicles’.
“You’re the psychic that was in the news?”
“Yes, I am. It’s horrible that someone can actually do that to, well, anyone!”
“I completely agree with you. Stinks even more that the people being killed are my students.” Ari gasped at this.
“That’s horrible! No wonder you looked sick earlier.” She said.
“So, you said that you moved here to assist a new psychic? Do you know who you have to help?” Levi questioned.
“As a matter of fact, I just know that the person that I have to help is a teacher at Winchester High.” Ari answered.
Levi fell down into a trance-like state again. Something silver flashed through the vision quickly. He felt something warm on his skin, and then briefly saw flickering flames. When he came out of the trance he found that Ari had placed a cold wet cloth on his forehead. She just sat next to him, and then he was dumbfounded when she smiled.
“What?” He croaked out.
“I found out who I have to help…. You!” She said smiling.
“That’s what’s happening to me? I’m having psychic visions!” Levi said. Ari just sat there for a while with a pensive expression on her face.
“I believe so. When did you start having visions?” Ari asked. Levi explained how he came to have his first vision, and briefly told Ari what he saw without the gory details.
“Do you know of anyone else in your family that has psychic abilities?” She inquired of him. Levi had to sit and think for a moment.
“I have no clue. Why?”
“Sometimes it can be genetic. My grandmother and her grandfather were both mediums. The gift of clairvoyance is a hereditary trait in my family that usually skips a generation or two. For you, I’m guessing, the gift of being a psychic is new in your family.”
“How does one become a psychic then?”
“Sometimes, if one were to have a near death experience, they’ll come back with a rare connection to the other side.” Ari explained. She stood up, and went to the door. “If you’d like, I could teach you how to control your psychic abilities.” Levi opened the door for her.
“I don’t have to work on the weekends, so I’m open those days.” He told her.
“Alright, I’ll see you Saturdays and Sundays.” with that said, Ari left. Levi went back to the kitchen, cut out a brownie, and sat down to get back to what he was doing before Ari came over. He took a bite of the brownie.
“Whoa! These are incredible!”

@Relsey-TheElder

July 22, 2020

It looks like the beginning of something good Sy. I have some critiques if that's alright, I don't know if you're looking for that or not so I'll put it in spoilers.

Spoiler - click to show.

I have been listening to a lot of Author interviews and advice stuffs and one thing that stuck out for me was asking your self "Is it true." when writing. Are you telling your readers lies or is it true. I think the big thing that stood out to me in this passage was there were a few things that had me asking that question. I think it's a good rule especially for Dialog, "Would she really say that?" Is that a verbal exclamation or an inner thought. I think that through out the writing there are a few things where you need to ask your self, "Is that true? Do they really talk like that. Does the room really look like that?" The example the author used was when we describe the night sky we often use "A dusting of diamonds" To describe the stars, In theory it's cool, but it's not true, so it sounds clunky. That's the first thing that came to mind while reading this, that doesn't sound true, is that really how she is reacting, is that true?
When I was reading the beginning and getting the description of Levi's home, it's all very sudden and all at once, this does this cool thing and this is super rare and advanced. Those are great details to have of a space, but you can turn that into a character moment with Ari exploring the space. How does she discover that the Island moves, what does that color remind her of, how many looks around the room did it take for her to notice the intricacy of those chairs. As readers we explore the space through the character, so let the character explore the space.
The Dialog is what's really throwing me off here. Try saying it out loud, does it sound right? Would someone really respond to all of that information the way Ari did. Is there not disbelief, is she shocked is she skeptical, Is she completely drawn in by his tale. A large part of this is Dialog so getting dialog right is crucial. That and character reactions, your characters need to be as reactive as they are active in this story. Those were my big things to point out.

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