Eh, sad (and kind of hypocritical) vent incoming-
I've been making plans to try again with my parents to get some professional help. I've made three backup plans to get help if they choose to ignore it again. Some way or another, the hope is to end up with a therapist.
But I was just thinking. What then, after that? I find a therapist, get signed up for about six weeks, probably. I don't even know if it'll help. My biggest fear right now is that nothing will help. I'll go through all this trouble to sit in a room and have some awkward conversations, then go home to being suicidal again. I don't know. I don't want to have to make these decisions. Especially when they might not even benefit me in any way. I'm just hella sad right now.
[Vent about Body stuff. I’m not sure if it’d be TW but I’m gonna spoil it anyway]
Spoiler - click to show.
I’ve been struggling with my own self image for the past few months now. Since quarantine started and I began using the internet more and was unable to access the gym, I’ve become more highly aware of my own body and how shit I look. It physically feels horrible to eat more than a few servings of food per meal, and I’ve completely (as in I don’t have it nevertheless of the time I wake up) omitted breakfast from my daily habits. I’ve been exercising and working out really hard, but it still doesn’t change how I feel about myself. I can’t ask anyone how I look without feeling selfish, and I’m afraid of the “You don’t really look different” answer. I’ve been careful to watch what I eat per meal and specifically how much of it, and indulging myself feels like a personal hell. This whole experience with my body feels as if it’s taking a toll on everything around me, not letting me put any energy or thought into anything else unless it can be considered “good for me”. It’s not stress anymore like it was last year with my mental health; it feels like it’s just my body at this point. It feels important but I don’t know how to talk about it. It feels stupid to bring up in conversation because the people I talk to and trust enough with it have much bigger problems.
I have nine baby ducks. It's nice.
Also.
I GOT A 4,0 ON ALL MY CLASSES, RAISING MY GPA TO A 3.5!
Oh, Emi. The problem with your condition is that it's all in your head. None of us can do anything about it until you change your own mind. I can't be certain. But I'm pretty sure your body is just fine.
My dad just came in and gave me a two and a half page letter that I do not want to read. As far as I can tell, it's a load of shit and fake advice and "I miss you already because you're always in your room" and at the end he's like "please get back to me" (that part I can see because he has the last part on top) and I just
I don't want to
I don't even want to read it because what I did read was so frustrating and I've tried to explain why I don't like it and he shrugs me of
but I'm kind of hoping that there's something in there I can reasonably bounce off of to say I think there's something wrong with me please get me help
“You don’t really look different” answer
Honestly this answer is not only bull, but also pretty rude.
Wait what? That seems like such an odd way to talk to an offspring.
Wait what? That seems like such an odd way to talk to an offspring.
He just walked in and handed me it like "this is for you". And I really don't like letters. Writing them to people I know and see every day seems so weird. Like. I have to see you and wonder if you've read this thing I was forced to do and don't really mean. We had to ask a family member to write a letter to us in English once and it was weird. But now I've gotten weird letters from both my parents
I mean written communication is better than no communication
Spoiler - click to show.
Emi, I'm really detached from my flesh vessel so it's hard to know what to say. I've never dealt with anything like that, but it sounds exhausting and depressing. Please don't belittle this problem to the point where it never gets brought up. Can you talk to your parents about it? Maybe tell them the way you veiw yourself is affecting your appetite and overall mental health? Tell them it's keeping you from enjoying your life?
Spoiler - click to show.
That’s the thing tho; I don’t know how to bring it up. It feels so hard to talk about because it’s one of those situations where it’s so easy not to care. I’m finding it hard to talk about it with anyone else, especially people I trust. My parents aren’t people I feel like I can really open up to very much, unfortunately. They don’t put a lot of trust into me at all, so it raised me to just not be very open. I hope that made sense lol.
“You don’t really look different” answer
Honestly this answer is not only bull, but also pretty rude.
I didn’t get this, but I’m afraid of it
I mean written communication is better than no communication
It feels forced and fake and makes me panicky
Wait what? That seems like such an odd way to talk to an offspring.
He just walked in and handed me it like "this is for you". And I really don't like letters. Writing them to people I know and see every day seems so weird. Like. I have to see you and wonder if you've read this thing I was forced to do and don't really mean. We had to ask a family member to write a letter to us in English once and it was weird. But now I've gotten weird letters from both my parents
What was the other one?
I asked my mom by giving her the paper the assignment was on. Idr what was in it though
I'm skimming this one and he's like please don't make your life decisions based on what you think we want you to do. But I have to go along with everything they say for now because otherwise I get yelled at. I'm not allowed to disagree but apparently I'm not allowed to go along with stuff either and now I'm crying again do I have to stop because if I don't I'll still be crying at dinner
You know how to swipe your eyes nicely, right?
You know how to swipe your eyes nicely, right?
No please explain
Also my face gets super blotchy even after it's been a while, and my voice and hands are still shaky. Which is why irl after I've cried and feel better, my friends don't believe me. I'm also always much more liable to break down in tears again after.
But I only cry tears of frustration in public anymore. They're too hard to control.
So pretty much it's down to not rubbing your eyes. Then you can just slide your fingers under your eyes, pointers, middle fingers, and then ring fingers. Then your eyes aren't red and and your cheeks aren't tearstained.
I don't really know what to say but know that I'm here for you if you need to vent, Mom <3
The phone plan I’ve got charges me for texting helplines even if they’re free and I just—
Me: has one (1) positive interaction with a boy near my age
My brain: oh good golly this must be a crush
Why are contacts so difficult to put in like I want to see not become enraged enough to commit several war crimes
"'But antidepressants will make me lose my spark' I thought, while unable to eat, leave my apartment, or write just one sentence for six months"
If that isn't me right now-
How long have you had contacts?
I've had mine for years and I've never really had any trouble with them
If you've had them for a while and wear them regularly, they might not be the right kind for you and you should tell your eye doctor, but if you haven't been wearing them that long, you're probably just not used to putting them in. It gets easier.
My dad: I'm not telling you what to do
My dad in the same sentence: you can't do this thing
Me:
