forum The Pravaci Court - Leave me a critique!

Started February 27, 2018 by @LittleBear group

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Yo, not bad at all! Color me intrigued! And man you guys are such smarties, I try and stay as far away from numbers and hard science as I can. '

ALSO OMG THE KITTIES! SO cute!

They're so grown up now!!! I've truly transitioned into crazy cat lady– I bought kitten leashes to take them on walks……

YO! Still working on that chapter, but guys, I graduate on Saturday!

OH MY GOSH!!! Congrats!!!!! That's awesome!!!

yay!! congratulations! that's so exciting

Heya guys!! How's it all going? I'm actually halfway through a draft that I might actually get done! Just wanted to let you know that if you want to beta read it at the end, y'all are some of the only people I would trust with that! If you're ~interested~ just let me know!

OMG YES!!!! I would be honored and so happy to! But I do have to warn you that I'm pretty swamped with training so it might take me awhile to get back to you (hence the LONG delay on my promised excerpt). Just tag me in a separate discussion and I will be ALL over it! :)

Yay!!! Don't worry about time!! I myself probably won't be done with the draft until October ish (that's my goal at the very very latest) and then I'm giving it a couple of months before I launch back in with redrafting and looking at beta comments, so you'll have time! :))

So two things! I got a kitten! He's entirely black and the chillest thing ever. I named him Saber after Salem Saberhagan, the cat from Sabrina. He's currently sleeping in my lap. I'll try and upload a pic later!

Secondly, I finally have something to submit to y'all! I did some quick edits but I probably missed something. Let me know what ya'll think!

Minor edits made
Nati -

I pushed the door open and the little bell that hung above it tinkled throughout the cluttered space. Odds and ends were everywhere around the store, imports from faraway lands and Estonie, and books crammed into every available space. There were stacks of them from floor to ceiling, ensuring no wasted space. There was some semblance of a system: items and books arranged in areas by subject. But, otherwise, it looked like a madhouse. There were books on history, science, religion, fairy tales from other lands, and stories that did nothing but bring you happiness, sadness, or even horror. Elkner’s Odds & Ends was my favorite store in town.

Every other store was for function. There were so few townsfolk that having any non-purposeful space seemed frivolous. Even the town tavern with connected to quarters for weary travelers and it was regularly cleared for town hall meetings. Truly, it was more of a gathering space than a place to lose yourself and a mug of ale.

But Elkner's was different, this was the place where I could come for pretty things. Yards of beautifully embroidered fabric were tucked away on the only floor to ceiling shelves that weren’t occupied by books. This was the place where I could find hair ornaments, makeup, and things from Estonie. Things that Sela might have appreciated. Elkner’s was my only window into the outside world, it held a glimpse into what my life could be, what it would be someday.

I ran my fingers over anything I could touch: over the tables brimming with pretty things, the spines of new books that looked as if no one had ever opened them, the spines old ones that looked if they had been well-loved. I loved the smell of this place, it smelled of vanilla and leather and love and wood and adventure. It smelled like freedom.

“Oh, Natiselle!” the shopkeeper beamed, his bald head popping up over a display of masks. “You're here!”

“Hello, Elkner! I'm here to pick up the goods for Mama and Papa. And also,” I couldn’t help but think of my own selfish pleasure, “do you happen to have any new fabric?”

“No. No more fabric, not since the last time, and I don't think you liked the latest one very much. It was the maroon with the with the copper thread, yes?”

“You're right, no thank you." I shook my head. "But, Papa said you had something for me to pick up?"

“Yes, yes.” Elkner tutted absently, wandering with his finger in the air. “Where did I put that? I just came in… oh, did I put it… no…” he muttered under his breath. He waved for me to follow him and together, we tried to make sense of the shop’s chaos. “Lets look in the back, we'll find it once I see it. I think we'll it be able to find it. Yes, with two eyes it'll be much easier.”

I couldn't help but smile. His mind was always on something else.

But, it was not much easier. It took us at least an hour for Elkner to even remember what exactly he was looking for. By the time he had, something else caught my eye.

A history book with an incredibly ornate cover gleamed from behind a stack of Rondolvan Hocat cards. My first thought, as I stoked my finger along the gilded spine, was that maybe Kraio would enjoy it. He always had his nose in something educational. Much to my ire, he was not one for ‘wasting time with something worthless’. While I had tried and failed to convince him of the value of fiction - unless it helped him with the lords and ladies - fiction was useless. But this one might be the perfect mix of the two. The title was written in golden filigree script that glistened as I pulled it from its place on the Rare bookshelf: How Love Changed Darion: The Beginning of the New Age.

“What does it mean by ‘New Age’?” I asked. I had never heard of anything like this … and through Papa's teachings, I should have been one of the most learned people outside of the capital. “What is this?”

“Oh that!” Elkner all but bounded to my side. “That, my dear, is one of the banned first books after the change in reign. Most of the copies were burned, I think is one of the few remaining.”

“Why was it banned?” I set it on the table and let it fall open. Twelve men and women, each in a recognizable house color, looked back at me. Their clothes were ancient and their faces were different, but they were unmistakably the original Pravaci Court.

“Well, the contents of this book was meant to be a record of our history and was accurate when it was published,” Elkner eagerly explained as he hovered over my shoulder. “It was supposed to comment and record how the world changing. So someday, when the change became the new normal, we would remember how the world used to be.”

“That seems like a perfectly good reason.” My eyebrows knit together. “Why burn the books?”

“Our history changed dramatically after it was written. The event it recorded was not the joyous occasion this book depicted, but the beginning of a tragedy that would divide our people for years. Instead of bringing hope, it was a cruel reminder of broken promises. The new regime, under the guidance of Regent King Bestolin, had them burned. They didn't want to spread the false message of the Mad Queen.”

The Mad Queen. I had heard that name before, but as far as I knew, she was a children’s tale based on the last Queen of War and her bloody end. It did more to serve as a way to keep children off of the streets than anything else.

According to the stories, the Mad Queen lurked in the shadows. Her face was sweet and angelic in the darkness, but in the light, you could see her fangs and claws. If she caught you out at night when you weren't supposed to be there, she would drag you into the woods and eat you alive. If you caught a look at her in the shadows, when she was beautiful, you could see a bloody red line across her neck. A gift from the brave knight that finally slew her. As she attacked him, he managed to slit her throat – but not before she sunk her wicked claws into his heart.

Mama and Papa never spoke of the Mad Queen. In fact, they never spoke about the Regent King’s climb to power at all. Their concerns were on the Regent King’s main advisor, the High Lady Straivia Uradavi. They never really talked about the last, and brief, joint reign of the Kings of War and Coin.

“You were around Papa’s age when that happened, right? When the Mad Queen was dethroned? What do you remember?” I asked, flipping though the beautifully painted pictures.

“Oh, I remember everything! I'm not so good with the recent," he said, motioning to the rest of his shop. "But I remember then like it was yesterday. I remember when King Deracose announced their betrothal. It was just after the death of his father, the old King of War. The Wasting took him.” Elkner bowed his head and slowly moved his thumb from the bridge of his nose to his forehead in the sign of respect for the dead. “Then-Prince Jerlorn had petitioned the Pravaci Court to marry a common girl. Of course, the Court was having none of it. But he persisted and, as the story goes, the last act of the old King of War was to give his blessing over his son's chosen bride, the commoner.

“With his father gone, and with the support of the new King of Coin, he, as the new King of War he was able to overrule the court. And Marielle Lark became the first common born Queen of Darion. She was seen, at least at first, as the true mark of grace and love from the King to his people. The new Kings and their soon to be brides were like beacons of light. We thought they would bring in a future age of prosperity.” He had a far away look in his eyes, his lips smiling sadly underneath his greying mustache.

“Why?” I asked.

“Well, the soon to be Queen of Coin, Eline was a Camile, she had learned all her life how to be the High Lady of Learning. It was her duty to teach all the Pravaci children, our future leaders, all they needed to know. But she, with the help of Marielle, who was originally her handmaid, had made the effort over many years to bring knowledge to all the children of the realm. They hated that only highborn children could read and study beyond the houses of their birth. Oh!” Elkner jumped back. “I remember now!” he exclaimed and whirled into the labyrinth of his shop.

I stayed and flipped through the pages. I marveled at the delicate paintings of the Pravaci Court through the ages as I skimmed through a thousand years of Darion’s history. Soon, however, I tired of the faces of long-dead leaders and flipped to the last chapter: “The New Age of Enlightenment”.

The first image was of the red-haired Solin Seblire, King of Coin. His face was regal with a noble nose and a neatly groomed beard, his green eyes were warm and inviting. He looked friendly and kind. On the page opposite him was a beautiful blond woman. Eline Seblire, Queen of Coin. Like the King, she was wearing the emerald green of the Seblire house. She was fair with a smattering of freckles across her cheeks, her golden hair was perfectly coifed – she looked majestic. But there was something in her face that beyond the obvious grace, that she was intelligent beyond measure. Something about the set of her jaw, like she was displeased at having to sit for a portrait. I decided that I liked her, she reminded me a little of Kraio. What struck me most was that they were barely older than I was.

I flipped the page and the contrast to the King and Queen of Coin was like day and night. King Jerlorn Deracose’s dark coffee colored waves looked like they were trying to escape their tie. There was a wildness to him, in his longer beard and his tanned face. If I imagined a hardened sailor, it would look like him. But his grey eyes had the same warm look to them as King Solin’s did. Like he was caring and quick to laughter. Across from him was a woman with porcelain skin, full lips and delicate features, surrounded by gently curled black hair. Her most striking feature was her piercing blue eyes. She wasn’t quite smiling, but there was a quiet warmth that seemed to flow from the page. I may have been reading too much into it, but she looked kind, like she wanted to tell me a funny secret.

With a slight shuffle, Elkner returned, nondescript paper wrapped package in hand. “There she is. That is the Mad Queen,” he said as he tapped the picture. There is a long pause and both he and I came to the same conclusion. “You know, other than her fair coloring, you could be her twin!”

“You've known me my entire life.” I looked up at him. “How is this the only time that you’ve said anything?”

He lifted his hands, almost in surrender. “You have to remember she was only Queen for a year, and before that, there were only glimpses of her when she helped the then-High Lady Eline. There was no need to spread the likeness of a lady's maid across the country. The only times anyone saw her likeness was the betrothal announcement, the wedding, and the heir announcement.”

“She was with child?” I felt as if Los was tugging at my stomach, his power of despair beginning to seep up the length of me.

“I… Don't remeb- oh! I think there was a miscarriage.” The blood drained from his face. “Yes, the Miscarriage.”

“And?”

“That’s when the Queen went mad.” A far-off look clouded his face, it was if he was swept of into the past. “Queen of Coin gave birth to the twins soon after the Queen of War lost her unborn child. And she, mad with jealously over the other queen’s two heirs… she murdered her. Stabbed her and stole one of the twins. Her body was found later, the twin was never seen again. Or so the stories say.”

“How have I never heard this before?” I whispered.

“My dear,” Elkner took my hand, “it tore the kingdom apart. There were those that thought a common queen would bring better lives and more perspective. Then there were those that argued a commoner in the Pravaci Court would spell doom for the kingdom. And when the Kingsdom heard, all Darion erupted as the two slides fought. The Kings fought, Coin against War, and for a time, there was chaos. All finances were frozen, no peacekeepers had orders, our enemies sought to take advantage of the lack of leadership. When King Regent Bestolin took stewardship of the throne, he set out to heal the kingdom. All written history of Queen Marielle Deracose was burned, including all likenesses of her, and she became the Mad Queen in the minds of the public. I would assume the only people who remember her are those who are old enough to remember it.” He pulled out a chair and sat next to me, looking weary.

“But it was our history.” I sounded so feeble; I could barely hear myself.

“That may have been true, but that history was too dangerous,” he said in an attempt to be comforting. It didn’t work.

“This tale of love was too dangerous?” I took my hand from his and waved at the book.

“It painted her in a good light. It spoke of a hopeful future, one that turned quickly to tragedy. It was no longer true.” His voice was low, like he was trying to soothe a frightened animal.

“How much do you want for this?” I got up and swept the book to me, its weight comforting against me.

He waved me off. “You would be doing me a favor. If I’m found with it… if anyone is found with it, its a good way to be sent to the Tower.”

“Why didn’t you burn it earlier then?” I asked.

“You know me well enough; I could never burn a book! Any book!” he said, looking horrified at the very idea. But in the next moment, he looked off, far away again, and whispered, “And I liked her. I never knew her, but I liked the idea of her.”

I pulled out my purse and set down more than enough for Papa’s package. “I need to go. I – I’ll see you soon.”

Through the grace of practice, I secured Ibis’ saddlebags and tore through the town. There must have been exclamations of indignation, but the sound of my thoughts were too overwhelming. The countryside flew by as they whirled around in my head. They were married in the winter of 1053. I was born in the spring of 1055, Kraio in the fall of 1054. She had a much kinder expression than I usually wore and her skin was fair, but otherwise, it was like looking into a mirror.

Even as I neared the mill, the only thing I could see was her face. It wasn’t quite as it had been painted, not gentle and happy, but it wasn’t one of madness either. It had morphed into something like heartache.

“Miss! You’re back!” Landis said, laden down with a bale of hay. “Your father-”

“Where is he?” I barked, jumping off Ibis before she came to a full stop.

Landis took a step forward. “Kitchen, I think. Can I help y-”

“No.” I pushed past him, Papa’s package in one hand and Darion’s history in the other.

I threw the door open and Papa was sitting at the dining room table, poring over what looked like reports. He didn’t look phased as I crashed into the room, breathing heavily. He didn’t even look up until he had finished scribbling his thought.

“Nati, I am tired of fixing that door. For once, could you come in like a normal person?” Papa stroked his beard as he had always done, as if nothing was wrong.

How could he? How could he?

“How did my parents die?” I made my face a mask. I wiped the emotion from my stance and steadied my breathing.

Papa’s lip twitched. “What's brought this on?”

“I said, how did my – our parents die?” My voice was listless.

“They were in the early resistance to High Lady Uradavi. When she discovered their existence – she had them killed.” The same story he had told Kraio and me our entire lives - word for word, the same hitch in his voice.

It would not be enough this time. “Who were our parents?”

“Nati, you know this.” He sighed. “Why are you bringing this up?”

“Who were our parents?” I asked.

“They were my dearest friends.” The quill snapped in his hand. “They were helping me bring her down. I couldn't save them in time.” He couldn’t look at me. His focus was solely on the ink droplets seeping into the parchment, like blood in the snow. “Is that what you wanted to hear?

“You liar!” I cried.

Mama appeared at the door, “Natiselle! What is going on?”

His face hardened, not betraying any of his feelings. I didn’t want a stoic leader or a logical teacher. I wanted anger, passion – something!

“You liar!” I threw down the book, and it fell open to the page of the Mad Queen and the King of War’s wedding. “How do you explain this?” I pointed furiously at the woman who looked just like me. She was hand in hand with the King. Her wedding dress, a white gown threaded with Deracosi blue, swirled around her. Her eyes were a stark contrast against the black curls that gracefully cascaded over her shoulders. “I will ask you again, who were my parents?”

Trembling, he reached out and traced her image. Still, he said nothing.

“Say something!” I hissed. “Have you been lying to me –”

The creaky second step interrupted me and I whirled to find Kraio there, book in hand, lips pursed. How long he had been there, I had no idea.

“To us? Have you been lying to us this entire time?” I turned on Mama. “Have you? Did you know about this?”

Apparently, it was her turn to be speechless, she crossed her arms and refused to meet my eyes. But Kraio joined me at the table.

“Look at this.” I spun the book around to face us, what could have been my likeness, dancing on the page. “And them,” I said, turning the page to the Seblires. They, like the Deracoses, were dancing in their house colors. The Queen was in a white gown threaded with Seblire green, dotted with embroidered blossoms in Camile purple. The Queen had a familiar expression on her face, the King had Kraio’s chiseled jawline. With him there for comparison, the resemblance was clear.

“It’s them. They’re our parents. Aren’t they?” Kraio said, remarkably calm.

The air hung still. Suffocating.

“Yes.” Papa said, looking at his hands.

Somehow, I thought that hearing the truth would make me feel better. It didn’t. Unconciously, I started pacing.

“You're telling me that my father is out there. That he's been out there, all this time.” There was a different type of anger coursing though me. “And you kept me from him. Kraio from his?”

“Yes.” Papa said.

“You.” I was shaking. Hot angry tears dribbled down my chin. “You stole… You stole family from us. You stole blood from us. Why?”

Papa finally looked up at me. “She would have killed you if you tried to go back.”

“How can I trust anything you say?” I spat. “Is she even evil? Did she even kill our mothers?”

“I did it to protect you.” He turned to Kraio and me. “You both. I love you both too much to risk that.”

A father’s love? That was his excuse?

All I could do was stare at him.

It wasn’t good enough. That was not enough.

“You are not my father. That wasn't your decision to make,” I said. He didn’t deserve to call himself Papa. And I wouldn’t either.

“Nati –”

“Rionel, have at you, Erion.” I spat his name. It was the first time I had ever used it and it felt foreign in my mouth.

His face twitched.

I left.

the little bell that hung above it pealed throughout the cluttered space.

Diction choice here: pealing makes it sound like it was louder than it would be. A little bell like that would "tinkle" or "ring lightly"

Yards of beautifully embroidered fabric were tucked away on the only floor to ceiling shelves that weren’t occupied by books.

I love the image you paint of the shop! I think this image needs to be introduced sooner so that we know that it's not just a bookstore. It'll make the image even more interesting and fun!

And also,” I couldn’t help but think of my own selfish pleasure, “do you happen to have any new fabric?”

Grammer thing: I think…think that when you have a complete sentence in the middle of an incomplete dialog you need to use an em dash?
"And also–" I couldn't help but think of my own selfish pleasure. "–do you happen to have any new fabric?"

Her face was sweet and angelic in the darkness, but in the light, you could see her fangs and claws. If she caught you out at night when you weren't supposed to be there, she would drag you into the woods and eat you alive. If you caught a look at her in the shadows, when she was beautiful, you could see a bloody red line across her neck.

Ooo! I love myths and legends like this! But saying that in the dark she is beautiful and sweet and then the light is where her fangs are seen seems strange? and it doesn't completely add up with kid snatching in the dark.

“You know, other than her fair coloring, you could be her twin!”

Oh ho! I know you already told me that this way the plot twist, but I still felt the reveal! This is a really good way to describe Nati and her mom at the same time. usually people listing traits of people's faces annoys me, but this was well done.

“You would be doing me a favor. If I’m found with it… if anyone is found with it, its a good way to be sent to the Tower.”

I think, then, you should make the finding of the book more difficult for Nati. I know she's in the back of the store, but even still. It should be in a dusty corner, behind stuff and she should actually have to "unearth" it. Ya know, for the ~drama~

“Rionel, have at you, Erion.”

Oh! Oh! oh… I copy and pasted this to comment that I didn't understand this phrase, but re reading it again, I realized that it's an in-universe curse! lol! nothing to see here, carry on. (though I would say, the first comma is unnecessary and puts a pause where I don't think there should be one)

This scene was super interesting because it's a real turning point in the plot, I feel like! I really liked how the two kids reacted differently and none of the emotions felt over the top or cheesy for me! (if you felt like you needed to, you could even dial it up a notch without going too far over) The world building didn't feel like an info dump because it was logical how it was introduced!

Overall, super swell and you never fail to impress!! :)

Omg that was such a quick turn around! I'll get on those edits, thanks again girly!

Life update, guys: college is kicking my ass lol

Oh no! What's wrong? Is everything messed up from COVID?

Yeah it's insane. everything is online, even for "in person" classes and so I've had technical issues on top of the 20 programs I'm supposed to keep track of…….it's just insane lol
but I love all my professors, so that's good!

Thats awful, but I belived in you!

I think I might want to switch places with you…. I'm in person (we were in a two week quarentine, tested twice, and bc the Army can actually enforce mask wearing - we're relatively safe). But, I'm in the middle of training for my job and the professor makes me want to scoop my eardrums out with a mellon baller. This 50+ yr old man says: YAS (unironically), "Meow" instead of now, wastes all of our time with sound effects FROM HIS MOUTH and he has a MIC (whoever gave this man a mic, seriously wanted to torture us), and treats us as if we were in Kindergarten. And we have to spend 8 hours a day with this man. My soul is broken. The unspoken sass is threatening to explode.

The only thing saving me is the ability to online shop. Send help. For the sake of my poor bank account, save me.

Oh my gosh……..he sounds like an absolute character……..literally I think I could deal with everything else except people who treat their students like they're younger than they really are. Huge pet peeve of mine, so I totally would not want to switch.
For the sake of your bank account, and your brain, I'd suggest going ahead and finding an outlet for that sass. A steady stream of sarcasm clears my mind in times of trouble 😂

So, I have several things in the works right now. Would you guys rather see the scene right after Nati has the big alley fight (and kills those three thugs)? Or the scene where Nati's mother and father think that Marielle (Nati's mother) has miscarried her (Nati). Or do you guys have something you would like to see with the characters?

Ooo either of those sound crazy! Whichever you're most excited about? Or whichever one you're least confident with and want a second/third pair of eyes on?

So, I was writing the thing that most needed to be put down…. When all the shit hits the fan, the climax of the whole first book. But I got so sad, so I needed some fluff. Here it is (plus background info.):

Set up: Erion has already gone missing (his mom sent him to get trained in Lian (assassin training)) and has been gone for six months or so. Jerlorn (Prince of War) and Solin (Prince of Coin) are about to be 17. Marielle and Eline are 15/ early 16. Since childhood, every week or so in the warm months, they’d sneak up to the palace roof to look at the stars.

Earlier Jer explains the tides to Mari. He says something to the effect of “The sailors of old noticed that when then moon is larger, the tides are stronger. They say the moon has influence over the water, [tells a story of how the moon and the sea were in love, but she was betrothed to the sun. The gods degreed that she had to complete her duties, so she joined the sun in the sky. But she grew so unhappy that she began to run from the sun. Night took pity on her and agreed to hide her from the sun. Sometimes the Sun catches her and night and day clash as they struggle. But in the chase, the moon grows brave and larger and the sea grows excited to see her. But the sun always appears to drive her into hiding again.]

Jesimae is one of the goddesses. Godessess of youth, beauty, jealousy, vanity

Jerlorn –

Sol and Eline were the first to fall asleep, as usual. His nasally breathing and her occasional muttering joined the distant cricket song. It was a familiar lullaby that should have been comforting, but an entire instrument was missing. There was no Erion to point at the stars and whisper the exploits of the constellations. So, there were no interrupting questions or enthralled gasps from Mari.

“Are you thinking about him too?” Mari asked.

“Yes,” I murmured. “It’s strange without him. It almost feels wrong to be up here.” I shook my head. “That’s silly.”

“No, it’s not.” She said.

Jesimae wrapped her jealous fingers around my heart. “Do you miss him?” I asked.

“Yes,” she said without pause. “He was my first true friend.”

I turned on my side to look at her, to really see her as she gazed up at the stars. The stars without their narrator.

She chewed on her lower lip. “I worry about him.”

I did too. But a little part of me, a frightening and shameful part of me was glad that he was gone. And that part of me did not like that she was worried about him.

“I wonder if he is all alone or if he has someone with him, helping him. I wonder why he left us. Why he broke Eline’s heart. I wonder why none of his brothers will tell us anything. I wonder how the High Lady can continue on as if nothing has happened.” Her voice became so soft that I had to inch closer to hear her. “I just hope he’s alright.”

A thin breeze blew over us, a reminder that Summer was soon coming to an end. A reminder that come Winter, Sol and my tours would start. It would be time for us to leave the girls behind too. We would train amongst our allies and put our lessons to the test. I would walk in the same land where Mari’s father served, the same land where he died. Would she miss me in the same way?

I shouldn’t ask.

I shouldn’t ask.

I couldn’t.

“Mari?” I asked.

“Hmm?” She turned to me, finally pulling away from the stars.

“What if it had been me?” I asked. “What would you do if I was the one who went missing?”

The light of the moon and the stars lit the sorrow on her face and my heart fell.

“Forgive me, I shouldn’t have said anything.” Stupid, stupid.

She looked back at the moon and stars and whispered, “I would search all Darion for you. I would climb every mountain and ford every stream. If I couldn’t find you here, I would wander past our borders until I did.”

I could hear the beating of my heart in my ears. “Why?” She was still here. She wasn’t doing the same for Erion.

“Because…” Her throat bobbed as she swallowed. “Losing you would be like losing the moon. The ebb and flow of my heart would stop.”

The opposite was happening to me. I turned her face back to mine and brushed away a welling tear. “Can I kiss you now?”

“Yes.”

AWWW!! they're adorable omg!!

It kinda wanted the moment to hang on longer even, at the end there. "The opposite was happening to me" could be drawn out a bit, and we could get a better picture of Mari's building emotions from the point where she calls like the moon and the point where they kiss.
Ugh so cute tho!!

I loved the myth you explained at the beginning. That gives the scene even a richer emotional element!

I promise that I am working on stuff! But the things that I've scheduled out are so depressing, I'm only putting down the ten-foot-pole that I don't want to touch it with.

Also, I'm thinking of something. So Marielle dying is pivotal to the story. Her body washing onto shore with her throat slit is imperative to the downfall of the regime and the set up of the next story.

But, I've been playing with the idea of a switch. Instead of dying, she is found just down the river and taken to a couresanery (sp? place where courtesans live?) where she heals. [This following part is already established] The courtesans are a part of Sela's network that works closely with Erion. They take a body from the local morgue, make it look like a decomposed Marielle, and dump it in the river. Marielle tries to get back to her daughter but is convinced/ realizes that it is safest for Nati if she (Marielle) remains "dead". So she leaves and tries to drum up support from other nations, so only a few people know she is alive, just not: Her husband, her daughter, Erion, or the entire Kingsdom of Darion. She does strike a deal with Nati and Kraio's adoptive mother to be in the same place as Nati is every once in a while (only to catch glimpses of each other).

Is that too kitchy?

Hmmm
I think it'll depend on how you spin it to the audience. If you try and fake us out for a long period of time that she's dead and play up the angst on that and then it turns out she's alive all along, it'll feel so forced to the reader. But if we know she's alive, and we're seeing the other characters mourning and thinking she's dead and then see her struggle not to reveal herself, I think it makes for some gOOD plot. I live for that sort of thing honestly. Just don't play it like the audience isn't supposed to know, because that'll just feel so fake

SOOOOO. Thank you so much! I think that was the push I needed. So Marielle is supposed to "die" towards the end of book one. I've decided that almost all of the book is going to be in first person. But, I'm thinking that this could be on the last page of book one. Not quite an epilogue, but a link, kinda like "Spiderman will return in 2022". Thoughts?

---

A woman was waking up in a room she did not recognize. A woman who had been a nobody and then a queen was a nobody once more. She was perhaps the most important nobody in the entire land. She would soon learn, that to save her loved ones, she would have to remain a nobody.

A man was leaving the land behind and the only destiny he had ever known. A man who had been a king left behind his reigns in exchange for a spyglass. Now, his heart belonged to no one but the sea. If not for the memory of a nobody, he would have fallen to greet its depths.

A man and a woman held hands across a simple table. A man who had made a family of friends and lost it was determined to protect a new one. A woman who had run from her destiny had found a new one. Next to the fire, their new purposes were sleeping in a cramped crib, a crib meant for one. The two, looking like night and day, would hold the future of the land in their hands. They were a family of nobodies. Nobodies by design…until they could be more.

A man was holding the only remaining piece of his shattered world. A man who had been a king was desperately clinging to a light in the darkness, in turn, his son griped his thumb with an impossible strength. He would protect him with the ferocity of a thousand fires, he swore it then, he wouldn’t let a single hair on this precious head be harmed. Nobody was ever going to hurt them again.

A woman was on the precipice of a power of her own making. The culmination of decades of planning had brought the order she had so desperately craved. She knew that an era of peace and progress was just before her. A woman who had been a nobody and then a high lady was now the whisper in a fool king’s ear. The enlightenment would come at a price, but it was no longer her’s to pay. Nobody was going to stand in her way.

Woah!! I really really like it!!
Full of enough intentional vagueness to be intriguing and some just killer lines.
like She was perhaps the most important nobody in the entire land. ?
amazing!!

Nobodies by design…until they could be more.

good line to foreshadow

A woman who had been a nobody and then a high lady was now the whisper in a fool king’s ear. The enlightenment would come at a price, but it was no longer hers to pay. Nobody was going to stand in her way.

Really good foreshadowing and highlighting good plot to come!!

literally–I can't– I can't say anything else? The only thing that I would maybe suggest is cutting out some details here and there that aren't really tension building or foreshadowing but just plain backstory. I can't really give suggestions without knowing your plan for the plot, and maybe none of it is superfluous, but I can only suggest looking again because honestly i've got nothing else

I think it's really fun and cool!

Omg, thank you so much, that made me smile so much! 😊 I’ll try and get something up over the long weekend!

So… as my newfound tag says, I have been procrastinating all weekend and have not studied for my big test tomorrow… And I got a paid subscription… To push away my shame, I'm going to post some snippets between Mari and Jer. They are nowhere near done/ in an actually coherent line of thought, but I feel the need to post something, yah know? Its choppy and in parts I just put in fillers to come back later and fix.

Jer - [Jer is 14, Mari is 13]

“Eline, are you alright?” I asked as I stepped inside her chambers. But Eline wasn’t the one quietly weeping. No, it was not a blonde head buried in her knees, but jet-black hair, neatly braided and pinned away. [This sentence is clunky and I hate it sorry.]

Her head shot up and she clamped a hand over her mouth, trying and failing to stifle a sob. “Oh, I’m sorry.”

“Marielle?” I came and sat in front of her. “What happened?” I dug around in my inner coat pocket for a handkerchief.

“No – Nothing. Nothing happened.” She shook her head, wiped at her eyes, and made to get up. “I need to get back to work. I shouldn’t be – I’m sorry.”

I took her hands and pressed my handkerchief into them. “Stop apologizing, Mari, it’s me.”
She took it slowly and delicately dabbed at her eyes. It was a useless motion.

“It’s meant to be used.”

“I don’t,” she hiccupped. “I don’t mean to be ungrateful.” She focused on the minuscule gold stitches. “Not for anything. But this,” she ran her thumb along the hem, “this is too fine for me. This is gold, isn’t it?” She shook her head again and her shoulders shook. “I don’t even know if this is gold or not.”

“Mari,” I moved to sit next to her, “blow your nose.”

She did so, begrudgingly.

[Dialogue, haven't figured out how to get to the next point yet.]

“I,” her eyebrows knit together and her lower lip quivered. “I miss them. My Ma and Grandpapa, my sister.” She hung her head and drew herself closer and whispered, “But I miss him most of all." Her voice caught in her throat. "Pa.”

I should have known. I must have been the last face she wanted to see. [Jer's father is the King of War, Mari's father was conscripted to serve 4 years in the Darionan Army in allied lands. Mari's father was killed in Lian, that's why she goes to work in the palace.]

“It’s my fault. I should have begged him not to go. I should have worked harder. But I was mad at him. I let him go without wishing him farewell. I said terrible things to him. I was mad at him for so long, for leaving us. I didn’t pray [to god of safe passage] hard enough.”
She was lost in herself.

I didn’t know what else to do. So, I did what my own father had done when I needed comfort. I pulled her into my lap and held her close. And she let me. In that moment, we weren’t a crown prince and a lady’s maid. We weren’t even children bearing the sins of their fathers. We were just a boy and a girl.

[After she has calmed down]

She folded the handkerchief into a neat square and tucked it into her pocket. “I will clean this and get it back to you.”

I shook my head. “There is no need to do that, keep it.”

“No. Your kindness was gift enough. And you all have already given me so much. I can’t really ask for anymore.”

“But -”

She held up a hand. “Jerlorn, I have my pride. Please stop.”

[(A week later, she leaves it on his desk with a little carved bird sitting on it. (Bc she doesn’t know how to read or write.)]

Mari - [Many Years later, after the death of the King of War, Jer is going to take the throne soon. Mari and Jer are fighting the Pravaci Court to let them get married. There are vicious rumors flying around about her.]

I whirled on him, “Don’t do that to me! I have never once questioned your love for me. Don’t question mine. I did not claw myself up here. I would have been perfectly happy with my family.”

Jer, after Mari's "death".

He wishes she had never met him. How much she suffered because of him and his family. He imagines a different life for her, one where she was happy with a common man and a couple of beautiful children. Her father, smiling and making a rocking chair for his grandchildren.

Nati - [Speaking to Mari, after Mari reveals herself to Nati after Erion's death.]

I tentatively sat next to the woman. Even with her high collar and her black hair neatly pinned back, there was a raw and wild power that radiated off of her. I was in awe of her. I was scared of her. But most of all, I was mad at her. I wanted this to go well, but I could feel the rage bubbling in my belly. “Mother?”

She turned to me. “Oh, don’t call me that. I called mine ‘Ma’, that’s what I had hoped you would call me.”

“But, the informality… you’re the Queen of War.” The Mad Queen.

“Was. And I never cared about the titles. I think that’s part of why your Pa loved me. It was only about us. Nothing else mattered. ‘Mother’ is what Erion called his. It was always so cold and detached.” She looked back to the horizon again.

“Ma.” I took a deep breath. “What was she like? Kraio and Stis’s mother. How would she have been with them?”
She laughed and bowed her head, drawing up her knees and resting her chin on them. “Stern. She would have been stern and would have demanded brilliance from them. But she loved them dearly. Sometimes, she would forget I was there and start speaking to them, rubbing circles on her belly. Singing to them. She didn’t believe in showing affection outwardly, at least not in public. She showed love in action.” She fell silent, but I got the distinct feeling that she wasn’t done.

“She changed the role of her house for me. She said that it was for the good of the people, and it was, but I knew that she did it for me. She saw what I grew to be, once I had an education, and knew that I wanted that for my people, desperately.”

“Were they not her people?”

“Natiselle.” She sat up straight. “As Eline would say, ‘Do not play stupid. You are not and playing as such is just a waste of time.’ I don’t know what Erion has taught you, but surely he’s told you of the divide.”
I held my tongue. The most useful tool he had given me, silence begs filling.

“The Pravaci Court may lead Darion, but they and those that swear allegiance to their houses are not the same. I could not write my own name until I was 13. She saw how much I wished that my family and friends could have had the fortune that I did. So, we set about changing the system. I just wish we hadn’t been so naive.

She shook her head, speaking more to herself than to me. “We should have been more secretive. More clandestine.” She pressed her hand to her eyes, “if only we’d had Erion and his training then. When certain houses heard of what we were trying to do, to educate their labor, that Bitch, formed opposition. And then, they killed Eline for it. We thought ourselves so clever, working for the betterment of our country. Working with morality in our hearts, thinking others would follow our idealism. We thought the world was good. We quickly found out it was entirely self-interested. Rather, I found out, without her.

“What was she like? In the end, she gave up her life for mine. For what became her people. She loved more deeply than anyone I have ever known. And I loved her for loving me. She was my sister in everything but blood.”
She looked down at her hands. “She would have loved those boys with the fire of a thousand suns.”

“Why didn’t you come back?” I asked, my voice small.

“I did.” She pulled up her collar. “I did so many times. To get a glimpse of you. I made a deal with O’nell the first time. She told me of the reports, of the aftermath of my ‘death’. Of how the entire nation fell apart. The things she said, the things they repeated. The safest thing I could do for you and your Pa was stay away.”
She wasn’t looking at me, she was looking into the mountains.

“Stay far away and secure allies for you. And apparently, haunt the nightmares of children," she chuckled darkly. “I made a deal with her; we would coordinate a time and a place every year where I would come see you. Until you were old enough to recognize me. Then she would arrange for us to brush past each other, a time for me to sell you a sweet, serve you a cup of juice, for a moment to exist in the same space.”

Mari - (Book two, 21-22ish years after she "died" and she sees Jer again for the first time.)

He was the same. His hands were more worn and he smelled like the sea. Wrinkles lines his eyes, from years of squinting at the son. But he was unmistakably Jer. Unmistakably mine.

“It's you,” he whispered.

“Yes.”

The color drained from his face. “I mourned you.”

I swallowed. My voice warbled. “Yes.”

AHHHHH holy shit
that last little snippet got me for sure!! So good!!!!
Ugh not me being so emotionally invested in this :D

okay on the long snippet of Nati talking to Mari, you start out with her being angry at her Ma for faking her death, but she doesn't really struggle with that enough later on, I feel…would she be the kind of person to speak more sharply when asking why her mother didn't come back?
also in that snippet

When certain houses heard of what we were trying to do, to educate their labor, that Bitch, formed opposition.

I'm not sure what to make of this sentence…its not entirely clear who the bitch is and I'm too unsure of the timeline to know

the first snippet is so cute and I love the point about the handkerchief that really illustrates the larger problem of the class difference between the two…

But Eline wasn’t the one quietly weeping. No, it was not a blonde head buried in her knees, but jet-black hair, neatly braided and pinned away.

Maybe i can help with this?
But it wasn't Eline. Instead of blonde, it was jet-black hair, neatly braided and pinned, on the bowed head of the weeping figure.

EMERGENCY HELP NEEDED! So there is a synopsis competition that I'm trying to enter (for a writer subscription box company). But my dumbass just found out about it last night and the deadline is TONIGHT at midnight! I'm going to post is as soon as I finish it and if by chance you see it today and are able to whip out a full critique you would be AWESOME - #1 Critiquer for all time. But if by chance you don't see it/are busy with real life, its totally fine and ily anyways! Okay, writing like my pants are on fire!

So I had to submit it… Omg… the hardest write of my life… It was 5 pages double spaced… and then with like an hour left to go, I realized there was a 1500 word limit and I was sitting as 1780…. I submitted with two minutes to spare and ten extra words.

Erion Uradavi was the youngest son of the High Lady of Medicine and Chief Midwife, the imitating Straivia Uradavi. He, as a Pravaci Child, along with the children of the other eleven houses, spent his days studying his house’s craft. Erion and his best friends, the Crown Princes of the Daronian Diarchy; Solin Seblire of the House of Coin, and Jerlorn Deracose of the House of War, spent their time exploring every inch of the Pravaci Palace. But the boys yearned to explore the outside world. Only after they befriend Eline Camile, the fiery know-it-all heir to the House of Education, were they able to get past the guards and into Estonie.

Disguised in common clothes, they ventured into the capitol and were awed by how diverse and exciting it was. But, as enchanting as it seemed, it was impossible to ignore the poverty beneath the surface. There, far from the grand parties and smiling courtiers, they met Marielle Jove, the daughter of a poor carpenter in the House Vrualti. They became fast friends with her and played together as often as they were able. But Erion felt more. Her strength and her sparkling eyes drew him in. Then Mari stopped showing up. Worried, the four searched and found her in her father’s workshop, trying and failing to complete all his projects.

To strengthen diplomatic ties, King Folton, the King of War and Jer’s father, had formed coalition forces with neighboring allies. Mari’s father had died while serving his three years in the Lianian Coalition as a peacekeeper. Thirteen-year-old Mari, knowing the gratuity from her father’s death was not going to last forever, tried to take her father’s place at the workbench. The four, distraught for their friend, searched for a way to bring her into the palace. Eline, whose mother was trying to find a suitable lady’s maid for her, promised to pay Mari much better wages than she would get serving the Varulti House. Mari accepted because Eline promised to make her work for her pay. With her friend’s help, Mari began to navigate the complicated politics of the palace’s staff and the Pravaci Court. And in turn Mari helped, as much as she could, Eline create her lessons plans with her advisors.

And after a particularly hard philosophy lesson, Eline complained to Mari, who responded with an entirely original argument. Astonished, Eline presented the argument to her advisors and receiving praise for its ingenuity. Everyone she interacted with – her advisors, her parents, the Pravaci Children, even the court itself – were all shaped by the same books and experiences. There was no outside perspective. Mari, who had never been in a classroom, was free to make her argument from her experiences, untainted by theories of long-dead philosophers. Eline realized Darion was wasting potential by not educating the lowborn. She asked Mari to help her fix it but was horrified to learn Mari could not read or write. Eline made it her mission to teach Mari, and then Darion. It did not occur to Eline that perhaps of the Darion lowborn were illiterate for a reason.

While the girls tried to change Darion, the boys spent their days training for their duties. Jer would have to take King Folton’s mantle as King of War and Sol would take Queen Desta’s role as King of Coin. Erion was content to train with them as he tried to discover his place in society. As they grew into their teens, the dynamic of the group grew complicated. Eline fell for Erion just as he fell for Mari – while Mari and Jer fell for each other. Eline, bravely confessed her feelings to him. Erion begged her for more time, but promised to always be her friend – to never leave her behind.

However, Straivia had already planned to send him to school abroad. Erion stepped off the ship in tumultuous desert nation of Lian and immediately learned of his mother’s treacherous side. She had an uneasy alliance of Rionel’s Hand, a powerful brotherhood of assassins dedicated to the god of lies, truth, and punishment – and she wanted him to usurp the Sultan of Secrets, it’s leader. For four years, Erion endured tests that tortured his body and soul. His only solace came from his partner, Sela, and the memory of Mari.
In Darion, the group searched for Erion. But after months of no leads, they gave up and learned to live without him. Eline moved on and found comfort in Sol, Mari and Jer fell deeper in love. When the Princes turned eighteen, they left the girls to for the Allied Coalition Forces. As they fought rogues and ruffians, Marielle and Eline fought the Court to teach lowborn children. The houses that needed manual labor were staunchly opposed to wasting it in a classroom. After a year of careful planning and political maneuvering, Mari and Eline convinced King Folton and Queen Desta to force the court to approve of their plans.

Four years after Erion left and two years after the Princes left, the court threw a grand ball to welcome them home and invited dignitaries from the entire continent, including eligible heirs for Jer and Sol. But it was not the homecoming Erion was hoping for, tensions ran high as Eline confronted him and he was forced to see Jer with Mari. The court and the allied delegations also saw the connection them, and rumors spread like wildfire. King Folton, who in his youth had to put aside the love he felt for Queen Desta, began to think about letting his son marry for love. He consulted Queen Desta and she dismissed it instantly. Their sons needed to put aside their selfish desires for the strength of the nation.

King Folton and several of the dignitaries were riddled by the Wasting soon afterwards. Suspicious of the timing, Erion confronted the Sultan of Secrets and accused him of infecting the King. Their confrontation turned deadly and Erion killed the Sultan in self-defense, unwittingly making him the new leader of Rionel’s Hand. The Wasting raged out of control and swept across Lian, Stricia, and the port cities of Darion. Fear that the Wasting came from immigrants spread faster than the disease itself. King Folton’s dying decree freed the Princes to marry whomever they wished, and out of respect, the court agreed.

Undeterred, Erion was still intent on stealing Mari’s heart. However, Eline tricked Mari into asking Erion to give them away at the altar and this forced him to realize Mari would never love him like he did. Heartbroken and furious at being gone for so long, he confronted his mother. She mistook his rage for her and revealed her plan to place him on the throne – as a monarch. Her plan called for the ruin of Mari’s reputation and her death. Secretly horrified, Erion agreed and began planning Mari’s escape. Soon after, the Uradavi House discovered a “cure” and life returned to normal.

After the wedding and coronation, Eline and Mari immediately enacted their education plans. However, their efforts stalled when Eline became pregnant and Mari followed six months later. The night before the birth of Eline’s twins, Straivia drugged Mari and poured the blood of an animal over her lower half, tricking everyone into believing she miscarried. Straivia isolated Mari to rest, allowing Erion to kidnap her and kill her. Instead, he whisked her to safety. The next day, Eline gave birth to two healthy boys. Straivia isolated her as well.

A few hours later, a scream brought guards into Eline’s chambers. They found Straivia with a bloody cheek, Eline with a dagger in her heart, and one of the twins missing. Hysterical, Straivia panted, “The Queen’s gone mad! Hissing, ‘it wasn’t fair! How dare the gods curse me and bless the her with two!’” Enraged, Solin sent his guards to tear through the countryside. Jerlorn, wracked with disbelief, led his men on a desperate mission to find her first. With the Kings preoccupied, the nation halted and Darion held its breath as it waited for the “Mad Queen” to be found. But a bloated body with a slit throat and the Deracose signet ring on its finger wasn’t found until six months later. Upon hearing the news, Jer and Sol almost became the first diarchal pair to kill each other in five centuries.

Darion was torn in two. Half of the nation blamed Sol’s men for murdering their lowborn queen. The other half, fearing lowborns would threaten their place in society, blamed the “Mad Queen” for murdering the “Fair Queen”. To avoid civil war, Straivia called a referendum on the Kings’ rule. And the court voted to replace Sol and Jer with a regent. Each house nominated and voted for a candidate from their own house. Except for House Uradavi, Straivia voted for the heir to the House of Law. She knew the he could be easily manipulated – and after twenty years of plotting, Straivia was finally in control.

Except, Marielle’s daughter and Eline’s stolen son are alive. And Erion will raise them.

OMG I SHOULDA BEEN CHECKING I SHOULDA BEEN HERE AHHHH!!!
I already glanced over it and I love the last two lines. Idk if you still need a critique or not but I will read it for my own enjoyment either way when I get the chance and tell you all my thoughts!!!!
I'm so sorry! Man!