anyway I was joking
It was a get together with a bunch of family friends and we literally just ate pizza
I only hit on one person because I'm a ho
but I'm not about to go into my unbiological aunt's bedroom and fuck someone
ya nasties
I don't know what you kids do these days. You could say you screwed three dudes and I'd be intensely worried for you but not question it.
It's not even hard I just can't do it cause my brain keeps fucking me over.
anyway I was joking
It was a get together with a bunch of family friends and we literally just ate pizza
I only hit on one person because I'm a ho
but I'm not about to go into my unbiological aunt's bedroom and fuck someone
ya nastiesI don't know what you kids do these days. You could say you screwed three dudes and I'd be intensely worried for you but not question it.
just three?
anyway I was joking
It was a get together with a bunch of family friends and we literally just ate pizza
I only hit on one person because I'm a ho
but I'm not about to go into my unbiological aunt's bedroom and fuck someone
ya nastiesI don't know what you kids do these days. You could say you screwed three dudes and I'd be intensely worried for you but not question it.
just three?
ho bag
It's not even hard I just can't do it cause my brain keeps fucking me over.
Mood
anyway I was joking
It was a get together with a bunch of family friends and we literally just ate pizza
I only hit on one person because I'm a ho
but I'm not about to go into my unbiological aunt's bedroom and fuck someone
ya nastiesI don't know what you kids do these days. You could say you screwed three dudes and I'd be intensely worried for you but not question it.
just three?
ho bag
man that's a slow night
It's not even hard I just can't do it cause my brain keeps fucking me over.
Mood
I finally got to like 1:20 and then my brain was like "Haha halfway? Nah whore. You startin' over bb."
anyway I was joking
It was a get together with a bunch of family friends and we literally just ate pizza
I only hit on one person because I'm a ho
but I'm not about to go into my unbiological aunt's bedroom and fuck someone
ya nastiesI don't know what you kids do these days. You could say you screwed three dudes and I'd be intensely worried for you but not question it.
just three?
ho bagman that's a slow night
I wouldn't feel satisfied ew no that sounds wrong complete
It's not even hard I just can't do it cause my brain keeps fucking me over.
Mood
I finally got to like 1:20 and then my brain was like "Haha halfway? Nah whore. You startin' over bb."
Me recording everything
do y’all ever spend like 20 minutes curled up in a ball silently going on long vents about your problems with people you know and trust over a voice call, then as you’re thanking them for their time and talking about how great it is to have such real, wonderful friends who listen to your problems cause you’ve been so lonely and “can only vent to a pillow for so long”, you snap back to reality and realize it was all your imagination, there was no call, no vent, no friends, you were just internally talking to yourself and making up scenarios in which people actually care and things do turn out ok to try and hide the crippling isolation and loneliness you’ve dragged yourself into
…am i losing my mind
cause it’s happened more than once now
Ella…
do you want me to make a Zoom call for you?
nah, it’s too late at night for that and i actually feel surprisingly better from my imaginary validation
but thank you <3
Hey just so you know once I move to college in a few months I will video chat with anyone who wants to when I'm available.
Ella if you're having a rough night and just want to talk to someone who isn't your family I'm here for you kiddo
you know what
you’re getting that Zoom tomorrow from me whether you like it or not, lady. It’s your ~actual validation~ time. So save your thanks ❤️
I kinda feel that though cause sometimes I just vent in my head cause I don't want to bother anyone and I feel better
Yeah, we’re all here for you and ready to make your validation true, bc you are valid bb
aw you don’t have to do that i’ll be ok-
i’d absolutely love that tho, it’s been too long since i’ve done the actual speaking to a person other than my parents thing…
but please do not feel pressured-
Ella no one feels pressured. Sometimes people just wanna support their friends because they love them
I want to help you feel a little bit better in this hard time ❤️
^^^^^^^^^^^^
I would 100% tell my parents that I have to be there for a fren, so I can't be bothered for awhile.
Meanwhile, I get on this zoom call and bring my entire self onto it, awkwardness and all
if anyone’s wondering, the internal vent was just me questioning if i should keep going with my getting help plan, because i’m terrified that if i stop being scared of every human i meet i’ll let my guard down and one of them will hurt me
…i decided to continue with my plan because at least it still gives me a chance, and isn’t severely hecking irrational
that is all
I will be on that Zoom call with my sassy mom friend self if it kills me
which it won’t because I’ll enjoy it thoroughly
ella I will get on the zoom with you (if you're like comfortable with it and stuff) because I Care About You and I will try to make sure you know it
I will be there and not talking because I will be doing school.
I would be there, But I will be driving for 12 hours tomorrow so I'll be there in spirit.
I will be on the Zoom call. Because I will be bored and maybe can offer some advice as I do every once in awhile in long winded posts that have nothing to do with the subject matter.
I want to join, but idk if I’ll be awake. If someone could wake me up or something when it’s going to start then that would be appreciated…
Ya'll I was supossed to be asleep several hours ago and instead of sleeping I spent the last few hours fleshing out one of my characters.
oh my god
i never knew a nightmare could be this scary
but here i am, up at 3am because i had a nightmare
yall might not know
but losing one of my frens to suicide is a fear i have
i fear it every single day
and today/tonight it finally made it into my dreams
i actually said "please let this just be a bad dream" in it
i had a fren, and i dreamt that-
i dreamt that i had to be told about it from another fren
i dreamt that there was even a suicide note and everything
i don't think i can go back to sleep today
i don't think i can
even though i probably only slept like three hours (wait no, less than that. i think i was up at 1), i don't know if i want to go back to sleep, given the nature and type of nightmare i had
istg i never want that kind of scenario to happen
i- that was so scary, i thought it was real
mini rant because im sick and tired of this shit.
so i can't sleep at night. i obviously have insomnia because i've gone three to four days without being able to do so. i've tired everything. tea for sleep, prescription drugs, not being on the computer at least two hours before bed. i tried closing my eyes and all that shit, but i just toss and turn.
so tonight i figured "fuck it" and stayed up all night doing some work for an online class because i rather being doing something than losing my mind with all my thoughts.
anyways, mom comes and starts bitching on how i should be asleep. i told her countless times that i can't. even if i try. even if i turn all the lights off, close my eyes, take my medication, it doesn't help.
i really don't know what her problem is because she used to have insomnia and she knows very well how hard this shit is. im getting new sleeping medication from my doctors to see if it'll help but she doesn't want me to take them. she's very against the whole "anti-depressant" and "sleeping pills" thing.
she wants me to sleep but she doesn't want me to try any other methods to help me. she just yelled at me telling me it's my fault when i clearly can't control this. when i sleep, i sleep. but when i can't, i just don't.
so i just got called a bunch of names (which is what she does when she gets mad and she knows im right and can't say anything about it).
we haven't fought in a long time because i usually avoid her around the house, but she gets up to work very early and im still up, so that interaction is inevitable. anyways, im just salty that i get called a demon every turn of the way when something inconveniences her. like, of course im not but there was a point in my life where i believed i was and tried to take my own life because she got into my head- i was younger then. i know not to believe the things she says but sometimes i can't help it and my thoughts spiral. i just want to stop thinking about myself as something inhuman. i'm a person. a human being, not a demon.
so sorry for anyone that reads this, im just having a bit of a tough time here and i need an outlet for my rage or it'll consume me and i'll make the same mistake i made when i was in middle school.
end rant.