forum Virtual Creative Writing Club, anyone?

Started July 06, 2019 by @ninja_violinist

tune

hey, sorry about the delay! I just started a new job and am still adjusting to being a member of the working force once more. I'll try to get more consistent about this again in the future!
in the mean time, please have a Whole Bunch of Words:

@crocs-to-a-knife-fight
first one: I really, really love this!! even though, like you said, there's quite a variety of themes and implications, I feel like the consistently strong imagery throughout all of them really ties it together. like I generally don't feel that one of the bits is significantly less vivid than the others, so they still kinda have the same vibe even if they're thematically different.
(also I learned the word "elogy" today so that's cool!! I was this close to suggesting that you misspelled elegy but here we are.)
favourite line: (really struggled to pick just one here) Your skeletons are warning you that the past will repeat itself/ But you don't speak their bone-dry whispers.
you mentioned that this was mainly therapeutic so I'm not sure how interested you are in like massive structural feedback (not that I can think of any, really, so that's helpful). but I think if you wanted, I'd recommend looking over the wording of "everything in my way labelled chasing", and possibly the first and second lines? I love both of em, I'm just not sure about the connection between a symphony and a tombstone that would justify them being in the same sentence, if that makes sense.

second one: wow okay first of all how dare you put this into such precise and beautiful words?? this entire metaphor and the related images are just. very vivid, very well-selected, absolutely uncomfortable to read about because I relate on many levels.
favourite line: all of them??? but also "Promise me you'll sit me back up before you go,/ Leave me with a scalpel for the next one"
and I love how at this point you can predict me not knowing specific English words haha. it turns out that it's spelled "buoy" and so for a refreshing change of pace it's a word I knew, but had been pronouncing very wrong indeed. I found it by Googling "ocean flotation device booey" which is kinda pathetic but at least it's better than calling it a "floating sea ball" which was the top search question.
aaanyway.
I can't think of much in the way of critique? I'm still kind of blindsided by how close to home this hit tbh. though I guess there is the ancient ninja classic of "are you sure about the punctuation", in which case I'd say that maybe the first line deserves a semicolon or a period instead of a comma? idk.
either way, thank you so much for sharing!

@strangebird
(happy belated birthday!!)
I'm really living for the descriptions here! Especially the zooming-in camera kinda feel of the first few lines. you've built up the details quite beautifully and brought out exactly the right things to focus on for me to catch the eerie, bizarre, angry kinda vibe.
If anything, I'd just recommend looking out for sentence structure throughout the whole thing. It's generally very well done, there are just a few instances where the sentences feel a bit roundabout. I think I've mentioned this before, but I'd kind of look at the order the information is being presented in, and make sure that it's the most logical flow and that it's all consistent enough to be put into the same sentence, if that makes sense. So for example, there's this sentence:

But tonight wasn’t a night for recounting mundane happenings during their day—no, tonight the air hung differently around them as they sat down on the cool concrete, a circle forming without any words being exchanged.

which is totally fine as is! but the last clause ("a circle forming without any words being exchanged") could sound a bit awkward with the "ing" constructions. so it might make sense to disperse the information that we're given there (they sit in a circle, just like that without having to talk about it) throughout the rest of the sentence and cutting it entirely.
so for example:

But tonight wasn't a night to recount the mundane happenings of their day - no, tonight the air hung differently around them as they sat and formed a silent circle on the cool concrete.

I mean that's pretty bad but I think you know what I mean?
but yeah.
(also, random side note but I puzzled a bit over "tiny, smuggling queen" because I feel like the comma after tiny is unnecessary? idk though. comma placement freaks me out on the best of days.)
either way, thank you so much for sharing!!

@Icefire
bruh is exactly right. this is incredibly intense and raw (thanks so much for putting up spoiler tags and trigger warnings!), thanks in part to the very well-set up structure. I think I've rambled on to you about enjambment and caesura before? It's basically about where you choose to break off lines in relation to the punctuation and the sentence's natural breaks. and you do this really, really well, because it draws just the right kinds of emphasis. the repeated final short sentences of "It was a curse" / "I never deserved it" / "I should have" etc also add consistent gut punches throughout.
I thought while reading that this is very, very direct and matter-of-fact, and I was about to suggest more subtlety, but honestly I think it actually adds to it? Especially because you've written it in character, and the delivery adds a lot of characterisation that I think more flowery language would probably hinder rather than help.
so yeah. Idk that there's much to say in ways of critique, since that was about the only thing I could think of. thank you for sharing!!

aaand prompts

image: "31 May 2018" by loika

---

music: "Light of the Seven" by Ramin Djawadi

---

word: from "NON-commitment" by Chinua Achebe (please do go read the whole thing!! it's not that long and it's really hard to tear any of this out of context)

I’m
told the owl too wears wisdom
in a ring of defense round
each vulnerable eye securing it fast
against the darts of sight.

@Icefire
bruh is exactly right. this is incredibly intense and raw (thanks so much for putting up spoiler tags and trigger warnings!), thanks in part to the very well-set up structure. I think I've rambled on to you about enjambment and caesura before? It's basically about where you choose to break off lines in relation to the punctuation and the sentence's natural breaks. and you do this really, really well, because it draws just the right kinds of emphasis. the repeated final short sentences of "It was a curse" / "I never deserved it" / "I should have" etc also add consistent gut punches throughout.
I thought while reading that this is very, very direct and matter-of-fact, and I was about to suggest more subtlety, but honestly I think it actually adds to it? Especially because you've written it in character, and the delivery adds a lot of characterisation that I think more flowery language would probably hinder rather than help.
so yeah. Idk that there's much to say in ways of critique, since that was about the only thing I could think of. thank you for sharing!!

:D thank you so much, Ninja! I think at this point the enjambment is just part of my poetry style; i just kinda put breaks where it feels right lmao. But yeah, thank you!!

@strangebird
(happy belated birthday!!)
I'm really living for the descriptions here! Especially the zooming-in camera kinda feel of the first few lines. you've built up the details quite beautifully and brought out exactly the right things to focus on for me to catch the eerie, bizarre, angry kinda vibe.
If anything, I'd just recommend looking out for sentence structure throughout the whole thing. It's generally very well done, there are just a few instances where the sentences feel a bit roundabout. I think I've mentioned this before, but I'd kind of look at the order the information is being presented in, and make sure that it's the most logical flow and that it's all consistent enough to be put into the same sentence, if that makes sense. So for example, there's this sentence:

But tonight wasn’t a night for recounting mundane happenings during their day—no, tonight the air hung differently around them as they sat down on the cool concrete, a circle forming without any words being exchanged.

which is totally fine as is! but the last clause ("a circle forming without any words being exchanged") could sound a bit awkward with the "ing" constructions. so it might make sense to disperse the information that we're given there (they sit in a circle, just like that without having to talk about it) throughout the rest of the sentence and cutting it entirely.
so for example:

But tonight wasn't a night to recount the mundane happenings of their day - no, tonight the air hung differently around them as they sat and formed a silent circle on the cool concrete.

I mean that's pretty bad but I think you know what I mean?
but yeah.
(also, random side note but I puzzled a bit over "tiny, smuggling queen" because I feel like the comma after tiny is unnecessary? idk though. comma placement freaks me out on the best of days.)
either way, thank you so much for sharing!!

Ah, yeah, I see what you mean about that! I'll keep an eye out for more.
(the comma is probably unnecessary, but as it was late and I had puzzled over it for a while already, I had decided to leave it as it was so I could get some sleep)

Thank you for the feedback! (and the birthday wish!!)

@crocs-to-a-knife-fight
first one: I really, really love this!! even though, like you said, there's quite a variety of themes and implications, I feel like the consistently strong imagery throughout all of them really ties it together. like I generally don't feel that one of the bits is significantly less vivid than the others, so they still kinda have the same vibe even if they're thematically different.
(also I learned the word "elogy" today so that's cool!! I was this close to suggesting that you misspelled elegy but here we are.)
favourite line: (really struggled to pick just one here) Your skeletons are warning you that the past will repeat itself/ But you don't speak their bone-dry whispers.
you mentioned that this was mainly therapeutic so I'm not sure how interested you are in like massive structural feedback (not that I can think of any, really, so that's helpful). but I think if you wanted, I'd recommend looking over the wording of "everything in my way labelled chasing", and possibly the first and second lines? I love both of em, I'm just not sure about the connection between a symphony and a tombstone that would justify them being in the same sentence, if that makes sense.

second one: wow okay first of all how dare you put this into such precise and beautiful words?? this entire metaphor and the related images are just. very vivid, very well-selected, absolutely uncomfortable to read about because I relate on many levels.
favourite line: all of them??? but also "Promise me you'll sit me back up before you go,/ Leave me with a scalpel for the next one"
and I love how at this point you can predict me not knowing specific English words haha. it turns out that it's spelled "buoy" and so for a refreshing change of pace it's a word I knew, but had been pronouncing very wrong indeed. I found it by Googling "ocean flotation device booey" which is kinda pathetic but at least it's better than calling it a "floating sea ball" which was the top search question.
aaanyway.
I can't think of much in the way of critique? I'm still kind of blindsided by how close to home this hit tbh. though I guess there is the ancient ninja classic of "are you sure about the punctuation", in which case I'd say that maybe the first line deserves a semicolon or a period instead of a comma? idk.
either way, thank you so much for sharing!

those are all bits, there in the first one, that had me kind of uneasy. there was a Point i was trying to making with the 'labelled chasing' and i don't think i quite reached it, not without the reader taking a second there. and i'll definitely go over the first and second line, yeah!

ah, punctuation. a poet's worst enemy. continuously, as i was writing then editing then posting something still bugged me and i. guess it was just that i suck at remembering how punctuation works lmao. also i mean, to be fair with the pronunciation of bouy, i heard caillou pronounce it 'boy' when my sister was on her kick with that show, so

lkj;sdfkljdfklj yall ever get the urge to write but you really only have like a semi-formed idea and it's only a plot fragment so you can't really start writing? jklsdfljkfkdsljlkj brain why u fail meeeeee jklsdfkljdkljdsklfjsd

Izzy I just start writing anyway and that's why I have (checks google docs) approximately fifty unfinished "books"

lol
okay aha

this is. by no means whatsoever meant to be good. please remember that. but i had an Idea and i wrote it and now i'm wondering what it would be like if someone else with actual talent wrote this. also ninja. consider this as a prompt

---

I am stitched up the same way a patchwork quilt is,
Oddly fitting for someone like me.
My grandmother is a quilter and I am too
But we do not use the same kinds of fabric.
I stitch myself up out of pieces of things,
Memories and traits of the people I’ve loved.
I still talk like my middle school best friend,
Laugh like mother when I feel exhausted.
I carry my mother’s weariness somewhere on my shoulders,
Weirdly fitting, as my mother has always held up the sky.

My favorite foods come from characters
Fictional people with no knowledge of the little kid
Who read them into existence and let them save the day.
My voice is that of an artist I heard once,
Years ago on the radio and still cannot find.
My anger comes from my father, bastard that he is
And sometimes it’s hard to remember that
The people we hate the most give us
The biggest pieces of ourselves.
My scars are a gift from myself.
Countless falls and bad nights
Those are the threads that hold my pieces together.

I used to call it being a sponge,
Taking pieces of everything that ever caught my eye
And calling it my own.
But sponges don’t sew.
And technically, neither do I,
Seeing as the last time I tried I stabbed my finger
43 times before getting kicked from the classroom.
My sailor’s mouth comes from my parents.
I took yellow from the first boy I’ve ever loved,
And the color really does look like sunshine
Maybe I’ll give it to someone else some day,
That little pocketful of sun we all need.

I’ve been stitched out of fabrics and memories,
Traits and colors and flower petals.
Do other people look the same
When you get close enough to see it?
Tell me, what pieces of love make you
Who you are.

I would love to join :D I have a creative writing club with my school and I'm the "leader" of it.

Crocs, I loved that!!

hey, welcome aboard, @ejeriksen! feel free to stick around, read and feedback on other people's writing, and/or share your own stuff - prompts and feedback from me usually come out on Saturdays when I get my act together, which is rare at this point

thanks ice!

ejeriksen, i'm pretty sure this is open to anyone who wants to join. ninja, our overseer, would be the one to officially decide that, but until then, feel free to write, of course!

you know, overseer has a very nice ring to it lmao

hgdfhgdf it's incredibly suiting, as well

guess who recently dug up some old (and very bad) writing? meeee (actually only the first one is old, the other two are pretty recent imo)
one of them is an attempt at romance, so i thought i'd share them anyways, just to get some feedback on how to actually write romance instead of trying and sucking at it
also, tw for the third one, mentions of suicide.
anywho, here goes-
~
Hard at work at math, I glanced up for a split second, only to see Max staring at me intently. Looking at him, I asked, "What?" He blinked, and recomposed himself. Max leaned in, his hot breath tickling my cheek. "Just stay still, alright?" he whispered into my ear. My pulse accelerated, not knowing what he would do next. In the next moment, he had my face cupped into his hands, and kissed me. A split second later, he pulled away. "I like you… a lot Rose. Do you feel the same way?" My face was full of confusion.

"Do you really like me?" I questioned, unbelieving that he could really like me. Max blinked, not expecting that. "Of course I like you Rose," he said with exasperation, running his fingers through his unruly hair. "I love you Rose, but the question is do you love me back?"

"Yes," I breathed after a moment's hesitation.

---

In the car, on the way to school, I dropped my big brother off at school. Before he left, I kissed him on the lips. Fast as a mouse, I pulled away. Glaring at me, he slammed the car door shut as he left. "Love you Finn!" I called out, very much aware that all the high school were staring at me. Climbing across the car, Daniel jumped in the seat that Finn had occupied only three seconds ago. When we arrived at school, I gave him the same ordeal, though before I could pull away he pushed me away instead. "Gross, Rose! Why do you have to do that everyday?" he complained. I didn't say anything, just sat there and smirked. I got out of the car, and spied my posse across the courtyard. Smiling, I waved to them and walked over in my 3-inch high stilettos.

"Come on girls," I told them, walking into the school, not even looking back. Without a doubt, I knew they'd be hot on my heels if I did. My heels clacking as I strode into the girls bathroom, I checked my face in the bathroom mirror. I pulled out a tube of lipstick, applying yet another layer of lipstick, carefully checking my face in the mirror. A moment later, I could feel Eloise's eyes boring into me. Looking up, "Wha- Where's your makeup?" I questioned. My girls needed to wear makeup, or they were going to be dropped, and not kindly either.

"I- I…" Eloise faltered. "My mom confiscated my makeup…" she said, her cheeks flaming up in embarrassment.

"No, my girls will be wearing makeup in public. You mean you wore this to school?" I asked, horrified. I pulled out a complete makeup set and started work on Eloise. However, gently, she put her hands on mine.

"My mom will kill me if I come home with makeup on, Rose. Come on!" she protested, gently guiding my hands away.

I rolled my eyes. "Just rinse it off before you go home. It's simple Eloise. Or do you want to go back to being Loser Eloise?" I threatened. Behind me, I could hear Meredith stifling a laugh. I whirled around. "Stuff it, Meredith!" With that, Meredith went as still as a statue, and I could feel her gaze on my back. If looks could kill…

Eloise looked at me, unsure of what decision to make. In the end, she sighed and put her hands down in defeat. "Thank you," I told her. I applied a bright green lipstick, and some blush to her cheeks. "That'll have to do for now. But you're going to need some eyeshadow. Pick one," I demanded, giving her a choice of a sparkly rose gold or a plain blue. She picked the blue cautiously, warning, "We're going to be late for class…"

"Then we'll have to be late in style," I said confidently.

In the hallways, I spied Daniel, my little brother. "Skipping class again?" I asked, smirking. Walking over with confidence, I pecked him on the cheek affectionately. "Love ya, little bro," I whispered, very much aware that his girlfriend Maxine was staring at me with jealousy. As I left to rejoin my group, I distinctly heard the whispers of Maxine. "Who was that?" she asked. "Oh, just, um, my little sister," he mumbled back, cheeks flaming in embarrassment.

My posse followed me as I strode into our history class. "Miss… Adams? You're late again. And, it's Miss Soran and Lance I see. Why are you late?" Mrs. Labiak asked.

Tossing back my hair, I answered, cutting off Meredith's and Eloise's attempt at what I knew would be a poor excuse, "We had… girl problems." That drew a laughter from the class. Settling down in our usual seats, we looked up at Mrs. Labiak innocently. She sighed.

"Fine. But isn't that what you said last week?" she interrogated me, hands on my desk. I glanced up, as if I hadn't known she was there. But we all knew I did. "Oh, are you talking to me?" I batted my eyelashes. Mrs. Labiak closed her eyes for a second. "Yes, Miss Adams. Talk. Now."

"Well, last week it was Meredith, this week it was Eloise," I announced, knowing that Meredith's and Eloise's face probably looked like tomatoes around… now.
~
(here's another one, not romance, but it's a bit darker)
"No," she managed to get out. It couldn't be real. It was all just a bad dream, she told herself. Just a nightmare. Maybe if she pinched herself, she'd wake up and realise that it was just a nightmare. "It can't be real, it can't be real," she repeated to herself under her breath. She just knew. It couldn't be real, it just couldn't.

"I'm very sorry for your loss," the kind lady told her.

"I-" she didn't know what to say. She knew the police lady meant well, but- it couldn't be real. She shook her head, trying to wake herself up. "It has to be a dream, a really bad dream…" She could feel herself drifting away from her body. Was this what they called disocciation? Her mind quickly flicked back to her friends on Notebook. Ella, Mir. She had to tell them, so if she disappeared, if she really did it- they'd know. No. She'd made a promise. They didn't need to know, after all she needed to uphold her part of the promise.

The lady bent down to her level, setting both hands on her two shoulders. "I'm sorry, but this isn't a dream. This is real life. This is your new reality now. I know this must be hard to process and take in, but if you could please follow me, that would be great." She stood up, starting to walk away. Stopping briefly, she looked over her shoulder at the still, unmoving figure. "Oh, and the more you cooperate with us, the better," she added in a cold voice.
~
{note: all events listed in here are fictional}

march 5, 2019
i cant do this i cant do this i cant do this
i cant i cant i cant

march 6th 2019
ahahahahhahaha
people want to help, do they now-
hahahahahah they will never understand my pain
theyve never been through it
no one can understand
they never will

march 7th 2019
pfffffffft
so what if you think youve been through a "similar situation"
its not the same
it never will be

march 8th 2019
just go away
you cant help
just accept it already
no one can help
and-
scoff
of course you think you "want to be my friend"
but do you know the real me
no, no you dont
stop trying to help already
you know it wont work
no
just
just stop
please
im tired of this
im tired of trying
just stop already

march 9th 2019
im sorry
but you just cant help
like i said
im tired of life
im tired of trying
im tired of fighting
ahahahahhaahha
you think im just "letting" depression win
no not at all
what im doing
is im letting me win
its a win win for everyone
no one will miss me
and ill go silently and quietly

march 10th
i cant do this

march 11th
stop

march 12th
please just
just let me go already
you know you wont miss me
so stop pretending
i beg you
let me end this pain

march 13th
stop
i cant take this anymore
leave me alone!
i
i
i dont know what else to do
im sorry
but i need to end this pain

march 14th
ahahahahahhahahahah everything hurts
but im writing through the pain to make it hurt more
i dont care how you feel
i know how you feel
indifferent
you could care less
maybe sorry that it didnt work
i am too
i wish it had worked
the second i get out of here
im going to try again

march 15th
so ive got to push everything away huh
ive got to pretend
perfect, im really good at pretending
watch
see, im all good
im fine
everythings great, actually
you know, ive lied about everything
and im sorry about that
but i needed to see how you would react
i hope youll forgive me

…you do?
im glad
ahahahhaha i got you
nothing is real

march 16th
so if everything goes according to plan
i should be able to get out of here soon
i should be able to try again soon
i bet you want me gone as soon as possible dont you
dont worry, im trying
im trying as hard as i can to go

march 17th
you dont know how hard im trying do you
just
just stop already
im doing the best i can
they just wont let me go
not until they're sure that im
"not depressed"
my actings not good enough
they still arent completely sure
im done with this
im done with life
i wish they would just let me out again

march 18th
its only been four days but im so sick and tired of this
i need to get out of here
im certain theyll do more harm to me here than i can ever do to myself

march 19th
…

march 20th
six days now
when will this end
ugh i gotta have some sort of
"therapy"
i dont need this

march 21st
stupid therapist
trying to crossexamine my mind
stop trying to know all my inner thoughts and feelings lady
youre a complete stranger
why would i trust you

march 22nd
ugh
im still here
why am i still here
its been just over a week
i hopefully will be able to get out of here soon

march 23rd
well thats great
i asked a doctor how long until im out of here
and he said that its all up to mom
stupid mom
so shes the one keeping me here, huh
apparently they could only keep me for 72 hours
and then after that it was up to the mom
because im
a "minor"
ugh

march 24th
so
after convincing my mom that i dont need therapy
and that im fine
im finally on my way out of the hospital
im freeeee
free as a bird
…
nope, it means im finally gonna be able to do it
girls guys and nonbinary pals, im gonna do it
if all goes well, there shouldnt be any more entries in this stupid notebook

march 25th
ugh, just as i was about to take the pills
because im a coward, and cant take much pain
stupid me
the mom creature came in
so i had to quickly hide the pills
more pretending
but its okay
im good at pretending
after all, isnt that what ive done basically my entire life?

((does that mean you liked it lmao?))

(FUCK YEAH)

oh yeah, look at that inspiration come and go
this one i wrote literally like
three seconds ago
it ends badly because i suddenly lost all my inspiration but here we are:
~
elara was sitting on the crinkly paper lying on the bed in the examination room, waiting for doctor faust to arrive. in the meanwhile, she surfed twitter, reading through some old tweets from her favorite person - qing han, who went by the name qinni. her real name was no secret, although it wasn’t mentioned very often, just like the fact that she had a brother, ze han. it was such a pity that qing had passed away from stage four fibrosis sarcoma in her sleep on february 8th. although, to this day qing was still her biggest inspiration. she had fought so hard, to the very end, even when she knew she wouldn’t make it. just like me, elara thought to herself. strange how we find ourselves in similar situations, huh?

it was then that dr faust made his appearance. “i hope i didn’t keep you waiting too long. elara, right? hi, i’m doctor faust,” he said as he smiled at her.

his excuse for always making sure of her name was that he had a bad memory and a lot of patients. elara didn’t quite believe him, but it was okay. at least he got her name right every time. “yeah…” she said in response. “so… this heart condition i have now- is it bad? i haven’t done much research on it, considering i’m more likely to be told that it’s fatal when it isn’t if i just do a simple google search…”

dr faust nodded in understanding. “this isn’t as serious as your more concerning medical issue, although it should be kept in mind. it’s called cardiomyopathy, as you already know and it is a disease of the heart muscle. cardiomyopathy means that your heart has trouble delivering blodd to your body, and this can lead to heart failure. so yes, this can be serious in some cases, but since this is only a new symptom of friedreich’s ataxia, we shouldn’t worry too much about it now,” he explained.

elara stayed silent as she took in the new information. so, her heart was having problems now, was it? this was fun, she just loved hearing about new symptoms of her illness. “is there anything we can do to treat it?” she asked.

“yes, we’ll put you on an anticoagulant to help for now, please don’t hesitate to contact me if your cardiomyopathy gets worse,” dr faust answersed. “i’ll write up a prescription for you when we’re done with this session.”

“…okay,” elara said. it wasn’t as if she wasn’t on only about fifty different medications at the moment. they were mostly to control the pain and other problems stemming from that one lump in the middle of her body that the doctors weren’t sure what it was.

“also, is that lump giving you any more trouble recently?” dr faust asked.

what great timing, elara thought. “nothing that isn’t already normal at this point,” she answered in a bland voice. this was the same old, same old. nothing much changed at these appointments. really, they were just checkups. she never really expected anything new, to be honest.

“good, good,” doctor faust remarked absentmindedly as he started scribbling down elara’s prescription for aspirin, which happened to be a coagulant. when he finished, he handed the piece of paper to her and before sending her off he said, “well, times up so i’ll see you… in about a month or so? yeah?”

“yeah… a month…” elara echoed, taking the prescription. she got up to leave, not really thinking much about the situation. it seemed she was in that state of being where she couldn’t really process anything, nor could she really say much either. how strange… she thought to herself. maybe i should ask dr faust about that later…

after elara had gotten her prescription, she headed home. it was a long day, and she just wanted to sleep. it seemed that was all she really wanted, nowadays. everything was exhausting, and if she could have fallen asleep the moment she walked into her house, she would’ve, except she didn’t want to hit her head on the hard, wooden floor. so she forced herself to keep going until she finally made it to her bead and collapsed onto it face-first. “ugh…” she moaned into the mattress, before passing out.

{this seems like a good ending to this drabble- i think i’ll end it here}

welp, i kinda
did a lil thing about when she was first diagnosed
did a ton of research on this and still have so many unanswered questions sjklkjsdf
but i hope its okay

---

"We think you might have Friedriech's Ataxia," her doctor explained, searching Elara's face for any distress.

For the longest time, Elara couldn't move. She couldn't speak, she couldn't move, and she couldn't think. Friedriech's Ataxia… isn't that a degenerative disease? she wondered. I'm going to die, she realised, but it was all so hard to process and sudden that she didn't think she had fully processed everything yet. It was as if she was living in a dream, a bad dream. A nightmare, perhaps. It's not real, it's not real, it's not real, she repeated to herself over and over inside her head. Just a bad dream, just a bad dream…

After the fear had passed, the anger set in. Why has life done this to me? Why me, of all people? …why me? she asked herself over and over again. Speaking for the first time since she'd been diagnosed, Elara asked, "Why me? Why now?" She fell silent but quickly added, "…what can I do about it? What can we do about it? Are there any potential treatments? What can I expect in the future?"

Her doctor, Imogene Lake was bombarded with questions, but she wasn't surprised. This wasn't the first time she had to deliver news of a terminal illness to a patient. They tended to ask a lot of questions, in her experience. Skipping over the first few questions, since she didn't have an answer to them, Dr. Lake started pulling answers from her medical knowledge database.

"Well," Dr. Lake began. "As you know, you have scoliosis, but the curvature is very small so we won't correct it now, but if it does get worse, we will consider a brace to correct it. Physical and occupational therapy is a general treatment, as Friedreich's ataxia is a disorder that causes nerve cells in your brain to deteriorate over time, which may cause difficulty walking, a loss of sensation in the arms and legs, and impaired speech."

She paused here, trying to find the right words to answer Elara's final question. How do I tell my patient that she's going to deteriorate, slowly or quickly, and that it will only get worse from here on out? she asked herself. How do I comfort her when I'm so bad at confronting my own feelings? Dr. Lake blinked, bringing herself back to the real world. She'd just have to figure it out along the way.

"Friedreich's Ataxia is a degenerative disease, so things will only get worse from here on out," Dr. Lake started off, her voice clearly unconfident. "However, given that it took this long for you to get diagnosed, I think you should have a good couple years left."

What a pity that she'll have to die so young, Dr. Lake thought, feeling sorry for Elara. She's still so young and her life has barely started…

~timeskip~

It was several hours later- seven hours, thirty three minutes and fifty two seconds to be exact- that Elara finally processed her fate. She was gonna die. "I- I don't wanna die…" she whispered to herself. Knowing that her followers could have some advice for her, she turned to Twitter for help in her scary diagnosis.

artofjupiter
@artofjupiter
I've been pretty straightforward with all my aches and pains these last few months, as my longer time followers might be aware. You might also notice that the way I'm typing is different. It's because I want to make this tweet as serious as I can. I've just recently been diagnosed with Friedreich's Ataxia and I don't wanna die. Uhh, that's about it, I think. Kinda can't get over it, it's taken me about seven and a half hours for the impending death sentence to set in. Doctor says I have about a couple years left, but she's still not sure. Ahhhh I can't stop thinking about this- anyways, just a quick update for you guys.

11:28pm · June 16th, 2012

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aaaaaaand insert noises of "i don't know where to go after this so ima just end it here" aha

now. not to brag, but today is Saturday and I am here, actually doing the thing I said I would do on Saturdays! much wow

@crocs-to-a-knife-fight
I am 100% here for this Idea? sure, the execution is still a bit rough but the image and the intent and the vividness are all there. this idea of being sewn up of outside influences, especially of people we love? brilliant.
honestly, I think the biggest… not issue, per se, but the thing I see that most detracts from the message is probably the structure? We switch from point to point very rapidly - patchwork quilts, grandmother, material of quilts, best friend, mother, fictional characters, radio, father, less positive patches, sponge, stabbing your finger, then sailor mouth, yellow to sunshine, and finally the conclusion. it's a lot and I think it needs to be said, but I also think that a more thematic structure might make it easier to follow?
for example, one thing that came to mind (random idea alert) might be moving from the impersonal to the personal? like obviously it's all personal because it's you, but there's definitely degrees of how you relate to it (like the difference between an artist on the radio and your significant other). idk. that's probably a bad example. but the idea is to look at all the things that you want to say and see if there's a pattern or a way that they could match up and fit together more smoothly. and I think once the progression flows more naturally, things like phrasing and vocab and line breaks and whatever would shift to accommodate.
idk that I'm explaining this very well. because obviously it's not uncommon in your poetry to leap from image to image and usually I don't think it's an issue at all! I just think in this case, specifically, the points and images you use can feel a bit disjointed, so the poem sometimes has this illusion of backtracking. when you're using a similar image to make a different point, or making a similar point with a different image, but it's not happening in the same space within the poem.
but yeah. it's all very subjective, of course, so as ever this is ultimately all up to you. like I said, I really appreciate the Idea, and I'm really glad you shared it!

@the-ghost-witch-izzy
hey, lots from you this week!! I really appreciate it and I've definitely read through all of them, but for the sake of not making this post the length of my senior thesis, I'm not going to go through them one by one if that's alright? I have some feedback on stuff I've noticed in your writing across the board, as well as a bit on romance because you mentioned you were looking into it. if you'd like me to look at a specific one in-depth, I'd obviously also be down for that if you let me know.

stuff I admire a lot about your writing:
-characterisation! I say this every time, but you have a very strong grasp of the kind of narration that makes a character feel distinct and unique and gives them a specific voice.
-you write such a variety of different concepts and scenarios, which I think is really crucial. working with different forms like first person, journals, third person, etc. means you're very flexible when it comes to picking the most effective way for a story to be told

stuff I'd recommend looking into:
-head-hopping. It's a very common struggle, but sometimes when you write in third person, it's unclear which of the characters we're following. because we get an insight into all kinds of information that a limited narrator wouldn't have access to, but it's not written from a more distant omniscient point of view. basically I'd be very careful about nailing down from whose perspective you're writing and what kind of information (personal thoughts and feelings of other characters especially) they'd logistically have access to.
-pacing. this is just something that comes with practice, I think, but good pacing includes figuring out when to slow a scene down and draw it out, and when to summarise relevant information so we can keep momentum.

and now, you mentioned that you wanted some feedback on how to write romance?
thing is. I'm like… supremely unhelpful in this area, because it's something I've avoided like the plague in my own writing and which I'm very particular about in the fiction I read. so I have ~Standards~ which are hard to define and probably not super rational, and which I doubt I could meet if I tried. but.

ninja's general romance rules of thumb: (not geared towards anything you wrote, this is just in general)

• healthy romantic relationships involve more than physical intimacy! if I need to see them kiss for me to realise that they're in love, I'm not buying it. (me, deliberately blasting The Mortal Instruments in a random writing critique? it's more likely than you think)
• pining, to me, is crucial if the relationship isn't established. but pining should also, again, involve more than just physical attraction - let them pine for the other person's personality.
• boundaries are Cool and Important and we should address them!! some people aren't immediately ok with being kissed or touched without warning. characters should be having these kinds of discussions before they start manhandling each other.
• I want characters to have ~chemistry~ but I am unable to fully identify what ~chemistry~ is. it's rather inconvenient.
• pls let them properly communicate with each other I'm begging you-
• intense possessiveness is a Major Red Flag
• relationships should definitely involve character development. but I get salty when a character's personality instantly completely changes once they're together with someone.

there are probably more, but these were the first to come to mind. what do y'all who actually write romance think? does anyone have their own set of ~Standards~?

this week's prompts:
[quick note that, in solidarity with everything that's been going on, I've decided that this week the prompts will all be the work of Black creators whom I admire and whose stuff I highly, highly recommend you guys check out for yourselves!]

music prompt:
"Telling Stories" by Tracy Chapman

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image prompt: "Mwanamuziki (Musician)" by Mike Machira

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word prompt: "In My Country" by Jackie Kay

walking by the waters
down where an honest river
shakes hands with the sea,
a woman passed round me
in a slow watchful circle,
as if I were a superstition;

or the worst dregs of her imagination,
so when she finally spoke
her words spliced into bars
of an old wheel. A segment of air.
Where do you come from?
'Here', I said, 'Here. These parts.'

ahhh tysm ninja !
not sure if i'll ever actually use those tips since i went back to avoiding romance after that but-
i'll try to keep those in mind aha

honestly the only tip I'm qualified to give is "avoid romance" haha

lol okay

t’sup, I went back and reread for you, Izzy, and I’m here to give you Unofficial and Unwarranted Love/Romance Writing Advice!

I’ve been in a couple relationships in my days, and I’ve also written a lot of Romance. I can sort of side with most of the stuff Ninja said, all things considered in the small bit of romance you gave us.

One thing I noticed, though, is the kiss. Dude, first kisses between couples are awkward. Especially if one, ESPECIALLY ESPECIALLY if both don’t know how to give a smootch. Even if you’d liked the person for a really long time prior to the first kiss, you’re not gonna know for sure how it goes. It’s awkward and nerve-wracking. That’s ~Chemistry~. That’s what would help a reader understand that your charries are stupid teenagers that are just barely bumbling their way through life.

Also, no one opens up with a kiss. No one. Especially if they aren’t “official” yet or hadn’t prior talked about it. I know if I went in for a kiss while asking Nate out, we would be different for sure. I might not have even gotten the first date. I don’t like to think about it, though. Our first kiss was awkward enough :L

(moving on from that overshare)

As a demi-ace, I totally agree with the relationships are more than physical intimacy. Relationships, and love for that matter, is hard work. Even in the early stages of adolescence, preparing for a possible future in the relationship is really hard. Both teenagers have to be mature enough to understand the other’s boundaries, what they want in a relationship, and understand most importantly that being their own individual is key. The relationship should not get in the way of your future/dreams. That is absolutely, 100% something that I have established personally in my relationship, and honestly I’d love to see more of that in books.

And, dude, don’t be afraid to take your characters out on dates. Love isn’t dead in this generation. We have so many chances of using tech to find new places to go, new things to do together, and new places to see and explore. I personally love going out on dates, for it lets me connect and trust my lovely partner more. Knowing that we’re learning things casually about each other, without the stress of asking questions stripped from the internet take that genuine feeling of love away.

Ask if you got any questions, dawg. Sorry if mentions of my personal life made anyone uncomfortable :D

thankssssss
i'll probably ask you a buncha stuff if i ever decide to go back to romance

I don’t even know what this lump of words is but I haven’t posted in a while so have this ~ mess ~

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I dance because I have to.
Dancing keeps me safe. If I walk they will catch me, if I run they will spot me. And so I dance. I dance because of other people. I dance because I have no choice. The world shouts music and I dance to it. And when I get so tired that I can’t move the music keeps going and I go with it. That is my last defense. If I stop the world will catch up and the world will hurt me again. There’s simply not enough left of me to hurt. The hurting will destroy what parts of me were spared. If the world catches me again, I will die.
I’m fighting to survive, it’s true, and yet dancing keeps the desperation out of the beauty.

I truly was beautiful once. I could stand still for hours and no one would see me because I was part of their beautiful world, a world that kept me safe.
Dancing is safe now. People don’t think I’m like them because I hold too much grace. I seem like a dream, and people love dreams. They watch what they’ve created, loving what I’ve become. They hurt me, and now I dance for them, because they’ve created what I am.
I don’t get love, but my dancing does. I don’t get to love what my dancing does.
My beauty has been marred.

My bloody feet step on their own now and I can only follow where they take me, because my body has learned to keep me safe through fire and flood. I’m not broken, not yet, because my feet are still moving and the music hasn’t stopped. It’s not pretty music, because it’s the music that scares me and hurts me and makes me keep on moving.
So I dance. I’m a very beautiful dancer.