forum Mental health journal

Started March 02, 2020 by @The-N-U-T-Cracker

tune

_{i've been forcing back emotions for so long now that i literally cannot feel anymore, but i feel like a robot so i start trying to feel, and then i feel like i'm manipulating people, so i go back to not feeling and it's just a vicious cycle and i always want to tell one of my friends about it but then i tell myself that i'm just manipulating them, so i don't and i haven't gotten a full nights sleep in three weeks bc i just feel eternally guilty (i don't know why) and i've been having panic attacks again which i thought had stopped, but i'm so good at hiding them by now and i just feel like i'm slowly going insane.}

i'm sorry fren

your friends probably aren't feeling manipulated, and want to be there to support you if you need them
reach out to them, ask for help
asking for help isn't a sign of weakness.

it's a sign of strength.
it shows that you aren't afraid to admit that you can't do everything on your own.

and we can't. we're human.

i think my mental health has hit an all time low.

_{it's just i've considered suicide in the past month or so, thought of how easy it would be to attempt it. but no. i cna't, i have friends, family and whatnot, i have my pets. i don't want to leave the world right now. i have dreams i want to complete, movies i want to see, games i want to play. but i keep thinking how easy it would be to do it, i claim to not have the resources to do it but i do have them in fact. i just don't have the guts to do anything right now. i don't have the guts to tell anyone, either. other than writing out my thoughts, and even online it's hard to write about. so hoping that changes soon though now that march break is coming up and hopefully ill be seeing a counciller. but all of that was why i was inactive if anyone noticed. it's really hard when people see you as someone happy, or just look pas you. they don't notice you at all. and it sucks, sometimes. some of my friends claim to be good at noticng when people arent 'okay' but if you were so good at that stuff then why haven't you noticed me for the past 4 months then? sorry for grammar mistakes.}

anyways i'll be returning to therapy soon probably and hopefully things improve from there.

aww hun please don't hurt yourself. i haven't been on the forums that long to really notice that people are gone at times (but i'm so sorry about that) or long enough to get to know you very well, but please believe me when i say that there are people who would notice if you were gone. i also know how it feels to have friends that claim they're good at noticing but didn't notice that i was off for months either because i got so good at hiding things. people aren't half as good at observing as they like to think and for me i realized that i kind of had to meet them halfway. so try reaching out to people maybe?
_{if you feel comfortable doing so i don't want to make you do anything you don't want to i'm so sorry i give really crappy advice}

i have two words for you guys regarding my mental health:

not great

i don't know how else to say it, but there you go
i'm just- gonna… leave now i guess… i have nothing else to say…

Izzy, if you ever wanna pm me about anything, I can always talk with you!
(also idk if this is open to just anyone so if it's not I'm sorry!)

Ah, cool ty ^^
(High Key probably more likely to use this than the venting chat bc I know more of the people here lol)
Plus I like this one's title ^^

thanks sunny <3

(but same tho)

Welp, I'm no longer sh clean.

Ofc ^^

Welp, I'm no longer sh clean.

neither am i. but it’s okay. you can overcome this! <3

Bigg rant for a bigg boi

I busy. Like. Busy.
I have 2 jobs, one of them being gross and exhausting, aka a kennel assistant at a vet's office. Like, you take care of all the animals, including the really sick ones, and sometimes they get put down, but you've been taking care of them, and you have an attachment to them and yea. The other is a horse trainer, and how can I complain about that, really. I can't, but I'm also giving a gal lessons on her horse, and it's TIME CONSUMING AS SNIZ. Plus I'm sota training her horse, and I also am training one for a client, and it's a lot. On top of that, riding required a lot of muscles, and I'm super sore from starting working out again, I could barely walk after getting home today.
Then there's two college courses, and the fact that I'm basically babysitting two other students right now and taking notes for myself, typing them up in two separate versions, (one for each student) and sending them off, and hoping they do some dang good. Then I'm trying to write a paper before the end of the month, and yeah.
Then there's taking care of my beautiful puppy, who needs a lot more than I'm able to give her right now, but she still needs at least an hour walk every day, which I always make sure to get in, but her training and such I'm having more trouble fitting in.
Then there's all my personal career path schoolwork, my stories I'm trying to work on, an MAP part I need to work on, my room which needs cleaned before my darling nephews whom I love visit and tear it all all to pieces, then there's all my rps that i'm not keeping up on, my other friends I'm not keeping up on, my own personal care I'm struggling with, and my depression, which is not great right now.
For example, I'm supposed to be eating every three hours to help with my anxiety and depression, but I only ate three times today, and I really was all over the place today with horses and work, and so that didn't happen, I should be in bed right now, but I still have to shower, I'm trying to pick up a workout routine as well, but that's been rough, and yeah.

My days are just hell after hell of being busy, I'm never getting a break, and I'm struggling not to fall further behind than I already am. But anyways, Imm really doing pretty okay, just wanted to et that off my chest

aw hun i’m so sorry
_{(i wish there was something i could do to help you)}

Thanks <3
(hey, it means a lot just that you feel that way :) I'll get through it ^^)

dear school teachers.
yes, i know that it is 35 degrees outside, it's hot, i get that. but i am freezing and i dont have a school jacket. (i also have to hide my self-harm cuts somehow). so sorry for wearing a black and white cardigan.
sincerely
nia

hun are you ok??

i mean,,, no. but it doesn't matter…

my pms are open if you want to talkk

thanks, i think i will pm you… sorry :/

you have absolutely nothing to be sorry for

Y'all I'm havin a good day. I'm here to spread some positivity because my chem teacher isn't here and I have 40 minutes to read my book and I'm at an A in almost all my classes. The sub is playing the most relaxing (and also boppin) music, and in my next class, I don't have to do much. It feels like everybody said good morning to me and I'm makin people smile and walkin through the halls like this place is mine but not in the stupid way the senior guys do it. I'm friends with my crush, I have toaster strudels waiting for me at home, and I have two really good books I need to finish!!
Lately, everything has been feeling so awful. Everything got canceled, my crush rejected me, my grades were slipping, but now we vibin until marching season.

That's awesome, Xander. I'm glad you're having such a good day.

hhhh guys everything's bad over here.
I'm so freaking tired, I've been really unproductive, apathetic as all get out, and completely unable to do literally anything. I'm so all over the place, and I think I may have ADHD or ADD?
Like if any of you know Ethan from Unus Annus, I've seen so much of myself in him. And I've taken a few online tests, and scored highly. I'm going to actually talk to my therapist about it Tuesday, if I actually see her with all this stupid coronavirus stuff happening.
Also, been depressed, been hyper-focusing on all the things I shouldn't be focusing on, and yeah, I'm really struggling over here.

Also, i've only just remembered I also have anxiety, so I may be just having anxiety issues bc one of my student's moms is putting me in a really tricky situation, and I'd totally forgotten about that

aww that sucks sunny, sorry you have to go through all of that
sends virtual hugs

today’s been a roller coaster
first it was amazing and for once I felt like everything would be okay
then it took a tumble and I started to do my typical hate myself in a corner thing
then it was great again
then it took a massive downhill slope into grumpyville
and now I feel like I’m about to cry, but then again what’s new

Aww, Ella. D:

I'm here for you, whatever you need. Today's been quite a rollercoaster for me too, so I get that. Lemme know if you wanna vent to me about it, 'kay?

aww i'm sorry that happened ella

i hope i didn't make it worse
you know that you can always talk to me about it in pms if you want, right?