TO DAD

FROM SATAN

ZACHARY BATON

"You can't fuck a girl who's drunk. That's, like, rape." "What if you're drunk too though." "Oh shit. That's that hundred percent brain power thinking right now." "Okay, but what if you roofie her, and then yourself." "Now we're just getting weird bro."

"That's gross Alex, don't give her aids!"

"Excuse me, I am a homosexual."

"Save the turtles!"

"Shadow stop!"
"No!" Downs 5th mustard packet

Orchestra teacher talks about how well behaved and respectful homeschooled students are compared to us

"Man fuck them kids!"-My stand partner

“Can I adopt you?”
“Actually I-“
“No you’re my child now.”
“Ok.”

“I’m not eating the beads, I’m being a ninja.”

“I know sign language too!” flips off entire table

“Who’s ready to drown some people?” everyone around them screams ‘Yeah!’

“They’re not pedestrians, they’re speed bumps.”

“Please don’t kill yourself over an avocado.”

"Don't bring your scooter into the shower."
"There goes my evening plans."

"Who the fuck eats an avocado like an apple?"
"I do!!!"

More importantly… how do you eat an avacado like an apple

"I punched Cookie Monster and then told him that I fucked his mom."
For context: I may or may not have taught a gaggle of middle schoolers the phrase "villain I have done thy mother", and there was a creepy motion-activated cookie monster on someone's deck. One kid ran to it, and came back to me and said this.

“Oh crap we lost the antichrist.”

okay good omens

"Good news, bears are invading the fields."

“I’m going to threaten them with nuclear annihilation”

"My name is Lydia, not chlamydia."

Looks at drawing
"It looks like you put together the DNA of an eel and Grover from Sesame street."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T PUT CYANIDE IN THE GIRL SCOUT COOKIES?"

"Wait, I'm not allowed to bring a chihuahua to school?"

"I'm so hungry I could eat someone!"
Slowly steps away from said person

"I'm so hungry I could eat someone!"
Slowly steps away from said person

been on both sides of that

Same

"I think your life questioning rabbits are asleep, you better wake them up so you can question your life choices."

"I think your life questioning rabbits are asleep, you better wake them up so you can question your life choices."

• Of Mice and Men

"I think your life questioning rabbits are asleep, you better wake them up so you can question your life choices."

• Of Mice and Men

proceeds to get in a fight

"I think your life questioning rabbits are asleep, you better wake them up so you can question your life choices."

• Of Mice and Men

proceeds to get in a fight

Tells you about the rabbits while trying to calm you down after you commit manslaughter

“These losers just combined two big countries into an even bigger one”

“Watch out for that tree!” big branch falls from the trees

"I think your life questioning rabbits are asleep, you better wake them up so you can question your life choices."

• Of Mice and Men

proceeds to get in a fight

Tells you about the rabbits while trying to calm you down after you commit manslaughter

Chck-chk!
Think of the rabbits, Lenny.

"I think your life questioning rabbits are asleep, you better wake them up so you can question your life choices."

• Of Mice and Men

proceeds to get in a fight

Tells you about the rabbits while trying to calm you down after you commit manslaughter

Chck-chk!
Think of the rabbits, Lenny.

Tell me about the rabbits, George.

Serious conversation in English about the price of cyanide after reading the Landlady

"So you're my dog then."