forum Okok, I'll do 5 character critiques (closed, thanks for the submissions!)

Started May 10, 2021 by @AloeVera groupMentallyImInACottage

tune

I'll be dyeing my hair tomorrow which consists of a lot of waiting, so I won't start on them until tomorrow. I only have the motivation to do a maximum of 5, but if i get in the zone, MAYBE I'll increase the maximum. First come first serve obviously. I'll mainly look for what's missing, but I can also attempt to point out any contradictions or mistakes if I can catch any.
Idk how effective my method is, but i mostly tell you what I would want to hear in my critique when it comes to developing my characters.
With that being said, lay em on me!

Oooo!! Do you think that you can do Rune for me??

Ooh! I always love these, here's K.T.! K.T. (Katy Lynx)

oooh pog
here's delilah, for your consideration

take the lad

Taia? I've just finished her so I'd like to know what might be unclear

Oooo!! Do you think that you can do Rune for me??

cracks knuckles alright I've got bleach in my hair, I just ate a ton of chicken, and I'm listening to music from 2016. let's do this

-Overview
Good on ya for specifying where the nicknames came from. Also I get excited when I see ace people/characters idk if that's me coming out because I am Still Confused but anywayyy. It could help to explain where a. You got the name Rune Ronin from, and b., what it means, and then c. where her parents (or whomever named her) got it from. It may seem minuscule, but it might unlock something new.

-Looks
I'm sure this will be explained to me later, but a quick summary of what a New Human means could help right there.
drop the skincare routine bb
Stronk lady make my heart go doki doki
Whoa sick scars! Looks tab checks out, I like it.
It's not necessary, but maybe add a scent and voice-claim? The voice claim is the least necessary, but can be super fun.

-Nature
Damn you got mannerisms for each mood, okay go off (absentmindedly mimics each mannerism to see if it checks out)
Good motivation! Unrelated but i'd love to see that goal of her's challenged. I'm a huge fan of seeing character's break. I'm not a psychopath,
Okok when it comes to flaws, she can still keep these flaws, but I've noticed it's difficult to write about a character that doesn't interact with other characters. It's a challenge, but it's still possible, so just be wary.
God I'm scared of girls 7-15 too but i don't have a valid reason

-Personality
Okay this is a fun little page. Definitely got a better idea of her personality here. Love the addition of eneagram and Myer briggs

-Voice
OH LOOK HERE'S THE VOICE NVMD DISREGARD MY THING EARLIER
damn ok she multimultilingual she speaks all these languages and yet don't even talk ok i see how it is
love the description of her voice though, idk it sounds like i would listen to her to fall asleep

-Social
i have a vendetta against indigo but Rune gets a pass bc i just think she's neat
i love the way favorites help worldbuilding along with character building. love this

-History
oop- you ended up describing her name anyway damn this character is way more developed than i was initially expecting, way to go. I also like her history. It's cool, believable, fun, and explains a lot in few words. I would like to know why the Believers wanted to kill Rune's family, though.

-Abilities
Okok so here's where New Earth and New Humans started, i see.

-Inventory
she literally has a hitlist ok queen
I love the description of the outfits, too. This really clears up the image in your head of her.

-Medical
sucks she can't taste

-Family
It could help to add her personal opinion of each family member! What's her relationship with each of them? is/was there a strain?

-People
God i felt this anyway-

-Other
OMG a whole aesthetic YES omg you added her scent here too damn you got everything

Everyone say thank u StoneKing for the drawing. i honestly am very impressed by it uwu

Okay so Rune is actually a pretty well developed character, so i didn't do much critiquing, just my own personal commentary, but i hope you could take at least something from it. I love her! No contradictions that i could catch, you seem to have built her very well so she doesn't seem like one of those fully emo don't-talk-to-me characters while still making her super quiet and reserved. I can tell you definitely know what you're doing. Good job!

i will get the next 4 once I'm out of the shower and waiting for my hair to fully dry

Ooh! I always love these, here's K.T.! K.T. (Katy Lynx)

Alrighty! I'm eating more chicken and my hair is wet (and blonde) so let's get this show on the road

-Overview
Love the nickname! Why did she decide to go by KT? Obviously it doesn't change much about the pronunciation of her name, is it just a cool badass thing she wanted?
Why did the other people give her such nicknames? what were their intentions?

-Looks
Omg green hair I'm abt to dye mine green (mint tho, like pale green, not neon,,,neon goes hard tho). Love the green aesthetic she's got going on, like an anime character.
OH SHIEJS'S AN ALEINE THAT EXPALINS IT-
Wait, so if she's an alien, does she have skin with a tinted color? it says light, but is it like human skin, or is it a different color?

-Nature
She could do with some more mannerisms. What about when she's scared, sad, and just neutral?
Ah, so she's self-righteous. john mulaney voice now we don't have time to unpack all of that:)

-History
Okay, I'm a little confused, was K.T. and her mother in the burning building that her father was trying to save? How did the fire start? Additionally, how does K.T. see vigilantism from a firefighter? It probably makes more sense that she went through a string of logic; dad is hero, hero is someone that saves people, people need saving bc there are bad people, but if she becomes the kind of person to beat up the first criminal she sees, you could make a story about her moral compass starting to spin.

-Social
Oooooooo, i like the fact that she rages if anyone doubts her Hero title. That can also be used to show that her definition of criminal starts to become more blurry as things go. This is starting to give me maladaptive perfectionism vibes.

-Family
ok this isn't a critique but i like the image of "Hey alberto it's been a while since we talked. i named a slime monster thing after u. he's my pet. anyway how u been"

-Sexuality
MALADAPTIVE PERFECTIONISM!!!!! THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THIS DOES TO RELATIONSHIPS

-Music
Haha nice taste

-Abilities
It's great that she has the drawbacks with her abilities, and that they correlate to each other. Super fast, but can't make tight corners? omg the speed force reminds me of the first five minutes of The Boys ANYWAYAYYAYYY

-Fears
yeesssss,,,yess,,, self-righteous and maladaptive perfectionism would make this character's story so very interesting. I like the idea of making the reader question their own moral compass, too, because they can't decide if they're on K.T.'s side or not once she starts to tilt too far in one direction.

Overall a very fun character! I love the ideas she gave me, and it even reminded me (someone who needs reminding) that you can have drama with no death! (I'm very bad at writing drama dkafjakf) so I LOVE what you've got here!

ok i'm slow don't judge me BUT my hair's dry enough so it's time for me to put the hair dye in it. i pwommy I'll get the last 3 done

oooh pog
here's delilah, for your consideration

update my younger sibling came in and said I missed a few spots so I will be, doing another one,

-Overview
Ooooh, where'd she get her name from? What about her nickname?

-Looks
Whoa, 5'8 and only 125? She's half a foot taller than me and weighs 10 pounds less (and I'm considered skinny,) just make sure you don't make her seem like some buff character unless you want to add a few pounds.

-Nature
She's got nervous ticks, but does she have any neutral or happy mannerisms?
Okay, I relate to the motivation, but what does she do when she's stuck in a rut, or struggling to find happiness? How does she keep going?
Okay, short-tempered is one good flaw, but she needs a few more. Make her more grounded. You can build off her good traits. Optimistic to a fault, and refuses to see the reality of things, comes off as trying too hard, etc.

-Social
Is her religion under construction or is she uncertain of her religious belief? In which case, she can be best described as agnostic.
How is the artist thing going? What kind of art does she make, how did she decide to do freelancing art? Why is orange her favorite color? Why are California rolls her favorite food?

-Family
Even if her father is out of the picture, it's good to develop that whole side-story. What's her stance on her father? Is he dead? Missing? Paying child support?
oh a DEATH NOTE OC I was just abt to ask what kinda story this is lol
How old is Josuke, given that he went through something traumatizing in 1999, he didn't have Delilah to comfort him for another 2 years.

-History
Okay, so what did Josuke go through when he was born? He couldn't have been more than a few months old, so what was so traumatizing that a newborn baby, who still isn't even done developing, would have remembered and affected him this deeply?

-Stands
Okay, so i'm still a little unclear on what a stand is, but that might be due to how much sugar i'm ingesting rn

-Dialogue
MAAAKKKIIIIIII anyway uh yes great voice hm yes

oh wait a jojo oc wait i'm confused is there a character named Kira that kills a lot of ppl in that show too
👁👄👁

Anyway very fun character! A little bit of her felt like i was reading a callout post to myself but we don't have time to unpack all of that :)))))) Regardless i see her potential and i love her!

take the lad

Me: raichu huh isn't that like the pokemo-oh this character is literally a pokemon. okay.
ANYWAY got more dye in my hair bc first layer didn't show up well so let's hope this one does less goooo

Overview-
Haha, I see why him having a PhD is funny now.

Looks-
Thinking abt a Raichu w graying fur:(

Nature-
Honestly, I can't really find much to critique. He seems very well developed, thoroughly thought out, and I can tell you put a lot of care into it. I think the MOST advice i can give is to make him a bit more relatable, if it's even necessary. Make him a bit less 2D. He's a single dad trying to deal with the emotions of the split, okay, and he's a history buff and overall total nerd, but there's gotta be at least one more thing that makes him unique.

History-
Icey better get on dat town naming LFMAO
I don't mean to comment on relationships but did it ever occur to Ray to like, talk to his wife about the way she'd been acting? Did he actually do so, and it didn't change anything? Did he give his wife an ultimatum and she refused to change?

Social-
Ok this is probably pointless but i just find it a lil funny that he has a favorite animal,,,,,,like are there only pokemon in this world? Do Pokemons have favorite Pokemons? Is that like saying you have a favorite human? anyway,

Family-
Is it bad i can see this guy becoming an alcoholic ,,,,,idk ,,,anyway

anyway very fun critiquing a pokemon! i couldn't help but imagine him in those rectangular glasses looking frustratedly at his taxes and sighing before rolling a cigar in his study with those cliche green lamps. Overall, he's actually a well developed character! great job

Taia? I've just finished her so I'd like to know what might be unclear

second layer no good, we'll have to try again in a few days. but that has nothing to do with y'all. here's my last critique

-Overview
Alright, nice background on the name. Regardless, it is 11:30 PM and I am struggling to read. so heads up, this may be unintelligible.

-Looks
"136 without her leg." oh boy! i cant wait to see what that means. Regardless, things seem to check out.
What kinda shade of pink are we talking here? Hot pink? Pale pink? It doesn't necessarily matter, but,,maybe I wanna know..,,
Also, are the muscles defined? She can have them, but sometimes muscles aren't well defined, and you don't realize the body mass is muscle at first glance. i think this mostly depends on how hydrated she is.
Ah, so that's what that means.
OK tbh I really liked the way you described her voice, it was visual but somehow still gave me a good idea of the sound.

-Outfits
please jdon't do this to me she has such good taste in fashion,,,,,I'm sobbing,

-Nature
Omg there's a first impression, I love that, and I love her
LOVE the way you describe her mannerisms, idk I am just so easily able to imagine her
Ugh wtf I love her so much, she's literally jumping out in my mind when I read about her. I'm so bad at critiquing omg I cna't help it
"her private motivation is also to keep up her kill streak" I Pretend I Do Not See It, she is a wonderful character,
AAUUGHGh some WONDERFUL flaws that don't contradict her character! u r hitting all the right spots, bucko,
KJLFDALKJAFD SHE'S PLAYS THE KAZOOZKDAFJLKA
baby don't brag abt ur picklocking ability if someone started breaking into people's houses they're gonna look at u
see the issue of what ur doing rn is creating my new best friend as a character. i loveher,

-Social
"material status: filthy rich" ok queen
wait ok I have a question, is she capable of relinquishing previous feelings for a friend if they decide to fight her? Is that what you mean by she holds grudges? is it a matter of, "I love you until I don't, then I'll kill you"? just curious
raises hand i like cooking and travelling to cold countri-ANYWAY
ono she likes bugs, I'm literally terrified of bugs. anwyay,,,,,,,
aw she speaks sign language that's neat

-Family
Ah, homeschool trauma I see. felt that.
I like to imagine that her story contains her realizing that her dad didn't have her mom lift the ban on purpose to teach her to be sneaky. "if ur gonna sneak around just don't get caught"
wtf you better go tell those turtles u love them or u will hear from me

-Inventory
hell yeah kazoos. also wtf she's like MILITARY military

-History
Oop- construction zone, otherwise the education checks out

Okay so anyway i may or may not be in love with her-
You have done INCREDIBLE with developing her. You made her relatable, you made her multi-dimensional, you gave her flaws that often times might be hard to decipher when practiced in real life, you did a wonderful job. Her whole page is just chefs kiss

alright, heavy breathing, hair only partially green, and a whole day later, I have critiqued your characters. I bid you all a goodnight and happy writing!

ok I almost cried from laughter while reading this maybe that's because chaotic writing is the kind of humor that really gets me

What kinda shade of pink are we talking here? Hot pink? Pale pink? It doesn't necessarily matter, but,,maybe I wanna know..,,

PINK PINK SORRY I DON'T KNOW MANY SHADES

Also, are the muscles defined? She can have them, but sometimes muscles aren't well defined, and you don't realize the body mass is muscle at first glance. i think this mostly depends on how hydrated she is.

noted!

-Outfits
please jdon't do this to me she has such good taste in fashion,,,,,I'm sobbing,

she does? I didn't realize!

AAUUGHGh some WONDERFUL flaws that don't contradict her character! u r hitting all the right spots, bucko,

aahh, thank you very much!

KJLFDALKJAFD SHE'S PLAYS THE KAZOOZKDAFJLKA

YES KAZOO

see the issue of what ur doing rn is creating my new best friend as a character. i loveher,

love her as much as you need to ^-^

wait ok I have a question, is she capable of relinquishing previous feelings for a friend if they decide to fight her? Is that what you mean by she holds grudges? is it a matter of, "I love you until I don't, then I'll kill you"? just curious

that's a good question, thanks for pointing that out! I think that depends on the level of her friendship. if it's something like "I love you and you love me I'll die for you" then she won't be so willing to fight, but when it's more like "you're nice to me when we meet but we meet once a quarter" then she won't hesitate. and if someone gets under her skin really badly, the past won't matter anymore. I'll add this information when I have time!

aw she speaks sign language that's neat

I made sign language mandatory in my world's schools because it's so important and I'm angry that they don't teach it in my country

I like to imagine that her story contains her realizing that her dad didn't have her mom lift the ban on purpose to teach her to be sneaky. "if ur gonna sneak around just don't get caught"

noted!

wtf you better go tell those turtles u love them or u will hear from me

I will as soon as I see them!

-History
Oop- construction zone, otherwise the education checks out

yeah, I always struggle with writing down backstories. don't worry, I have them all in my head, I just need to find some free time to ultra focus on what I have to write. I assume I'll finish her history in 2034.

Okay so anyway i may or may not be in love with her-

be

You have done INCREDIBLE with developing her. You made her relatable, you made her multi-dimensional, you gave her flaws that often times might be hard to decipher when practiced in real life, you did a wonderful job. Her whole page is just chefs kiss

thank you once again! you've helped me a bit, and when I'll go back to her page (or if. I have to many characters ;-;) I'll clear some more things up! I'm so happy that you like her ^-^

Thank you so much for rating Ray! I love the way you critiqued all of the characters, I went ahead and read through them all and it’s awesome how thorough and honest you are about these things. :) I’ll be covering some of your questions and stuff below, like Tomat did, if you don’t mind.

Looks-
Thinking abt a Raichu w graying fur:(

That’s what stress does to you :(

Nature-
Honestly, I can't really find much to critique. He seems very well developed, thoroughly thought out, and I can tell you put a lot of care into it. I think the MOST advice i can give is to make him a bit more relatable, if it's even necessary. Make him a bit less 2D. He's a single dad trying to deal with the emotions of the split, okay, and he's a history buff and overall total nerd, but there's gotta be at least one more thing that makes him unique.

That’s a good idea! Really, I think most of his development is to be seen in Icey’s roleplay — this is his character before practice and before he has any real story arc or any real character development. I do agree on the two-dimensional bit, I definitely need something to help him out in those regards. Is there anything you would suggest?

History-
Icey better get on dat town naming LFMAO

she should >:0 I’m going to go check the studio to see if it’s named yet
no, she hasn’t
ICEYYYYYY NAME THE TOWN ALREADYYY I need to put it in my bioooo

I don't mean to comment on relationships but did it ever occur to Ray to like, talk to his wife about the way she'd been acting? Did he actually do so, and it didn't change anything? Did he give his wife an ultimatum and she refused to change?

I think he would have, or at least tried to do so and cowed out when she yelled at him about it. Martha would have definitely refused to change, even if he did or had talked to him. You can see a remnant of their last moments together in Ray’s quotes section when he finally takes off with his daughter for the last time.

Social-
Ok this is probably pointless but i just find it a lil funny that he has a favorite animal,,,,,,like are there only pokemon in this world? Do Pokemons have favorite Pokemons? Is that like saying you have a favorite human? anyway,

Yeah, I found that a funny detail, too! I decided that his favorite Pokémon species would be the Pikachu, because not only is that what Flower is, it’s what he once was himself — and when he met Martha, she was already a Raichu, so no bad feelings from the species at all :)

Family-
Is it bad i can see this guy becoming an alcoholic ,,,,,idk ,,,anyway

oh no, what have you DONE, now I can see that too
poor Ray

anyway very fun critiquing a pokemon! i couldn't help but imagine him in those rectangular glasses looking frustratedly at his taxes and sighing before rolling a cigar in his study with those cliche green lamps. Overall, he's actually a well developed character! great job

Thank you! You did a great job with your ratings, I hope I covered everything you were curious about and wanted answered. I’ll be sure to take what you’ve said into heart ^^

ok I almost cried from laughter while reading this maybe that's because chaotic writing is the kind of humor that really gets me
thank you once again! you've helped me a bit, and when I'll go back to her page (or if. I have to many characters ;-;) I'll clear some more things up! I'm so happy that you like her ^-^

I'm glad you enjoyed it!! I have 0 memory of writing it I was so hyped up on sugar and southern style chicken and probably also the smell of hair bleachANYWAYYYYAYYYAY

Thank you so much for rating Ray! I love the way you critiqued all of the characters, I went ahead and read through them all and it’s awesome how thorough and honest you are about these things. :) I’ll be covering some of your questions and stuff below, like Tomat did, if you don’t mind.
Thank you! You did a great job with your ratings, I hope I covered everything you were curious about and wanted answered. I’ll be sure to take what you’ve said into heart ^^

Awwww even I don't read other people's character critiques unless I'm tryna figure out if they're good at critiquing LOL but I'm glad you enjoyed it! I hope the RP goes well and is fun!! tbh an all pokemon roleplay sounds kinda fun i-

Thank you so much for rating Ray! I love the way you critiqued all of the characters, I went ahead and read through them all and it’s awesome how thorough and honest you are about these things. :) I’ll be covering some of your questions and stuff below, like Tomat did, if you don’t mind.
Thank you! You did a great job with your ratings, I hope I covered everything you were curious about and wanted answered. I’ll be sure to take what you’ve said into heart ^^

Awwww even I don't read other people's character critiques unless I'm tryna figure out if they're good at critiquing LOL but I'm glad you enjoyed it! I hope the RP goes well and is fun!! tbh an all pokemon roleplay sounds kinda fun i-

Yeah, they are! This one’s stationed in the Mystery Dungeon universe, as far as I can tell; most all-Pokémon roleplays take place in it. The Mystery Dungeon series is a unique side branch of the Pokémon games where humans don’t exist; instead, the Pokémon have a society of their own, which is of course not very advanced, but the change of typical scenery is very relaxing to me as a player. Most of the Pokémon either go on expeditions into the Mystery Dungeons around the continent (filled with wild, feral Pokémon that brainlessly fight you — the reason why is up to the player’s discretion) or take up jobs related to these. They’re fascinating games with amazing plots and storylines, so I’d recommend checking them out if the idea intrigues you!
(There’s one other side game series involving a world with only Pokémon, and that’s the PokéPark games, but those are noticeably more kid-friendly and pretty shallow plot-wise. I’ve played the second one, and it’s fun, but they’re probably pretty hard to come by nowadays considering that the last edition was released ten years ago.)

(There’s one other side game series involving a world with only Pokémon, and that’s the PokéPark games, but those are noticeably more kid-friendly and pretty shallow plot-wise. I’ve played the second one, and it’s fun, but they’re probably pretty hard to come by nowadays considering that the last edition was released ten years ago.)

OMGOMGOMGOMGOGMG I HAVE THE FIRST POKEPARK!!! i had it like several years ago and when quarantine first started I began getting nostalgic for it so I found it fairly cheap on like ebay or something so now I have it again! i literally beat the whole game overnight, I didn't sleep that night because I was so hyped to play it and by the time the sun started coming up I was already playing tag with Mew :') I love that game with all my heart LOL