I was hoping to improve my writing. So I've collected some of my writing that I'm proud of to be critiqued. You can critique as many excerpts you like
- Today the chain around me finally fell, giving me a chance to see the noon sky that I've been hoping for. Freed, however, I still feel empty. Why is that?
I've been trapped for so long only for people now to notice.
"The Sakamaki manor was reportedly used as a place of human trafficking with connections to the church. More details to follow."
It comes as a shock to learn that the bodies of the victims were found and displayed as trophies."
Vampires always were under Sakamaki's thumb. Left behind as they played with us humans like toys. The once quiet Demon World erupted with protests and sorrow
"It's not fair… That family has been doing this for years and now it's coming to light… It's just not fair."
- All those track club meetings were worth it, I suppose.
Sagging against the boulder, I kicked a loose pebble aside. As I tried to hold still, I felt my limbs twitch.
This was all way too sudden.
First, we were brought here, then those “parties” and now…
I’m all alone in an earthquake.
I could only pat my stomach as it growled. Getting snatched up by one of those creepazoids is not worth the risk.
On that note. I pressed my ear against the slab beside me.
The rattling stopped. The prison was filled with creaks and groans, but not a single voice. I expected to hear at least one creep blabber on about how little girls are the prettiest and other gross stuff or at someone crying.
Did everyone die? No that can’t be right.
I looked around the cave around. A bit of light shined through with dust sprinkled down.
I guess it won’t kill me to look.
I scooted to the middle and peeked through.
A rotten smell hazed the room. Then a pop echoed through the halls.
Today's the day! I buttoned up the new suit America gave me and put my cap on before bolting out the door. I'm Niger, I'm a landlocked country with the lowest HDI in the world but soon that'll change I got a big role in our meeting. Us nations will come together and create peace among our land. For now, all I was known for was being poor, Nigeria's big brother, and having a name that looked like a racial slur. I picked up the pace in my steps as I made my way to the meeting room.
As I walked through the door, I could hear a lot of laughter coming from inside.
This is it. This my big chance! I'm so…so… scared.
I have the lowest HDI of them all, what if I'm just used as a charity case or an example of a failed nation. My legs turned to jelly, knocking my knees together. The laughing got louder.
What are they laughing about in a meeting about peace? I dart my eyes back to the hallway beside me. It's just me here…
I sucked in a deep breath. I'm not some pitiful excuse for a country, I'm a leader. A real leader. I can do this!
I pumped my fist up before opening the door, letting out a long creak
"Sorry, I'm late." I turned my head to the others
The chairs were empty, the room was silent. It's just me here. Was this a prank? My heart pounded. Maybe I'm just here early because I didn't want to be late again. Then again, maybe I'm just really nervous. I walk forward slowly, taking a seat at the table in front of me.
It's been ten minutes. Where are they?
Everything around me blurs… Huh… What's going on… A sharp pain pounds in my head as my chair collapse to the ground with a hard thud. I can barely make out the door to the hallway. Everything's spinning around in threes
Wha… What's happening…?!
The world is spinning along with my stomach. My throat grow parched and aching. As my legs give out.
Nigeria! Mali! Chad! Anyone… where are you…
With that my eyes slam shut, my head falls limp to my chest and the blackness takes me.
I've fallen in love
After all these years of being seen as the son of whore, I'm now into a school full of pure, clean, and nice people. I know someone as pitiful as me is not worthy of such a privilege but I took it anyway.
I, for the most part, tried to stay to myself and study while not bothering anyone until I met her, It was a normal morning and I was rushing to class before I bump into her. Normally this would end in her either picking up her stuff and leaving or getting mad at me but she helped me up, pick up my stuff and walked me to my class.
We started talking and she seemed to like the things I had to say, not only that but my attitude towards life completely changed when I was around her. I was more happy. She fixed me. Was I happy? No, but I wasn't ever really unhappy either. I was content.
I developed a crush on her and I didn't care who saw. I wanted to be around her all the time. Was this cute and innocent at first? Of course…but, as the days went on, I started noticing some of her habits. I saw how she giggled at the cutest stuff and how her bright red cheeks would let you know when she was embarrassed. Unfortunately, I noticed the way she looked at me, all those eyes could say "I think of you as a friend." I didn't want it to be ONLY as a friend. I wanted it to be so much more.
"I'm not going to hurt you", He said, gently taking me by the hand and holding it firmly. Our eyes met. "Listen to me. You're safe and He aren't going to hurt you again. I'm here now. Trust me, I won't let anybody hurt
I don't know what this guys deal is,Does he pity me, Is this a ploy, I don't know but it's best to follow his lead
I relaxed a little, tears prick my eyes, and I let out a breath. "I…"
"It's okay", The yakaza said, smiled, and pulled me into a hug I didn't resist. "It's okay. I'm here."
With his words, I feel my tears slowing subsiding, My breaths calm down, my body shaking stops.
I rest my head on his shoulder as our eyes meet again.
No one has ever been this way to me besides Mom and Dad, what are the right words to use?
"I… Thank you", I whisper.
"Of course", He replies.
The man smiles and help me up to my feet. We begin to walk back towards the bank, our pace unhurried.
The heater fall silent, sucking back all it's warmth. Darn it, It keeps doing this. I just tug the cover closer to me. Footsteps shuffle down the halls. It's probably just Ayako. I cross out an answer.
The footsteps grow deeper and louder to the point of shaking me out my chair. Those footsteps are too loud and deep to belong Ayako. In fact, I heard those footsteps before.
(Ugh where am I… C'mon think… I fought that Mason guy and then I fainted… There must be something else… Micheal was there…)
The light is turned off, I can't see a thing! The humming or air-condition, I stomped my feet on the ground producing a smooth click. I rubbed around to some sort of light. I ran across a slightly grainy surface, a table I think. lifting myself off, I move my limbs around, Fortunately, I'm not tied up
(Where's the light? Where's the door?)
I squint around, but I don't see anything out of place. It looks like this place has been abandoned for years. Fresh cooked pizza boxes are everywhere
(Ah there it is!)
I traced the light switch before flipping on, my retina were flooded with a blinding light before the light died down.
"What the hell?" I said in disbelief, "This is some sort of joke right?"
Suddenly, a voice came from behind me accompanied by soft clapping.
"Happy birthday to you."
"Happy birthday to you." The disembodied voices sang, echoing even louder off the abandoned walls.
"Who are you! Show yourself!" I demand, (A ghost? Is this some sort of joke? But why?)
Suddenly the clapping gets faster and louder, along with the voices.
"Happy birthday, dear Sophie, Happy birthday to you!"
The clapping is getting faster and Building, then ending in thunderous applause, My skin started to tingle as everyone surround me
"Happy birthday." Ava written on her notepad with a smile
"Happy birthday," Charlie said with a soft smile, holding a flower pot
"Happy birthday, Sophie" cheered with a wink from Lucas
"Happy Birthday." Jax mumble with a blush creep on his face
"Happy birthday, Sophie!" Matthew said, before packing my back
"Happy birthday." Mom said as she hugged me
I turn around and see the entire class standing there clapping, some with their hands right over their mouths.
Everyone… Everyone had sang to me.
I could barely hear the end of the song that finish, My ears were still ringing as I was pulled into a group hug by everyone.