HI. This is my writing dump, where I post whatever I'm working on.
Here, first chapter of . . . I don't have a name for it yet. https://www.notebook.ai/documents/230105
(do you want comments/encouragement? if not I'll delete this and go away)
Sure! open to suggestions and critique as well.
also grammatical errors
(honestly, it looks good! I can go back through with a more critical eye later, but this was a fun read. Lots of worldbuilding in the details :)
Thanks, there's a few words I made up, so if there's something you don't understand, just tell me.
Okay, 2nd chapter finished! Snippet here:
They walked for around 30 minutes before the noxious odour of the back end of the outskirts hit them. The alleys had become increasingly smaller, with barely an arm's width to spare. Rats and Crowlins skittered across the sewers and cracks in the walls, following them nervously, hoping for a scrap of food. Bricker was about to take a piece off the loaf of bread, before Blackeye put his hand out and said, “Don’t”. Bricker shoved the bread back into his pocket. Now and then they came across the inhabitants of the outskirts, like a beggar and her child, raising their hands out hopefully, almost praying for a simple coin. Or a street vendor selling his mouldy apples, dressed in very few clothes and having even less integrity. Sometimes they spotted a thug and his gang of bullies, which is when they dashed down a side alley, hoping not to get mugged, beaten, or even worse. But most often they found the victims of Hide, green scars lining their bodies at the places where they had drawn blood to take one more sip of that ensnaring drug. Blackeye didn’t understand it. Why would anyone do that to themselves? He avoided eye contact when he saw them.
Blackeye used this route whenever they had to go further out of the city. The buildings were all less than a story high, giving easy access to the roofs carpeted with moss that filled the outskirts. This path also gave many exits and deadends that were helpful when you had to avoid someone. Walking through this small trail gave flashes of memories from Blackeye’s younger years, memories that made his legs shiver and his toes grow cold. They took a few more turns, trying to avoid the most crowded areas, and then they heard the familiar beat of the drums Chuck’s used as entertainment. One more turn and they came to the gates of the stingy, unsafe market.
(Very nice! I can definitely get a sense of what kind of world they're moving through)
(Thanks! I'm not sure where I'm going with it yet, but I like the idea.)
Snippet Two is here! I'm starting to get an idea of the plot now :)
A row of sharp wooden stakes lined the wall of the market, daring anyone to climb over its menacing edge. In the centre was a gap in the needle-like spikes, which served as the entrance to the market. Two strong, broad-shouldered guards were protecting the gate, one with his arms crossed, the other leaning against the wall, jabbing his spear into the air, obviously bored. When they saw Blackeye, Nosedive and Bricker, they beckoned them over. A broad grin spread over the one with a spear.
“Allo lil pipsqueaks, yous a bit small to be out ‘ere alone. Where’s yous mummy?” The guard said, in mock seriousness, then burst out laughing.
Nosedive started smoking at the ears, and before things started getting out of hand, Blackeye pulled out of his trouser pocket the three wooden tickets that got them in here. Each was painted with an orange boar head on the top. He handed the tickets to the other guard, who was obviously much more sober than the other, and he took them distractedly. As he examined them, the guard chewed a piece of dried meat, noshing his teeth on the slice.
“Second level huh? Alright.” The guard gestured to inside the wall of spikes with his hands. Nosedive choked. Blackeye almost gasped. Bricker looked dumbfounded. Could they be that lucky? Quickly they rushed to the entrance.
“HOLD UP. Where is yous grab? If yous want in, dere needs to be payment.”
Blackeye sighed. Of course, they weren’t that lucky.
We should have brought PJ.
Alright! The second chapter is done now. Sorry for not posting in a while, but I needed to do a lot of edits to a certain part of it.
Here it is!
I've been kind of inconsistent with my schedule, so from now on a snippet will be posted every day from Tuesday to Friday, and the entire chapter posted on Monday!
So here's snippet one for chapter 3!
His fist hit the jaw of the mugger with a satisfying crunch, who roared out in pain. The bully had two other thugs on either side of him, who rushed Blackeye at full speed. At the same time, Bricker slammed into two of them, pushing them against a wall. Nosedive high-kicked another in the face, blood spurting out of his nostrils. The two of them had successfully diverted the thugs’ attention for them to have a fighting chance against their older, stronger opponents.
The one Blackeye had punched came back with a hit of his own, kicking him in the crotch as another one came from behind and tried to choke him by the neck.
Blackeye struggled for a bit until the hold around his Adam’s apple loosened, after which he kicked the guy in the stomach. He let go and gasped just before the other one aimed a punch so hard it knocked the wind out of Blackeye. He fell to the ground.
“Not so smart now are you, you little freak?” The obvious leader of the group jeered. Blackeye noticed that his punch had broken a bone and his chin was swelling enormously. “Now, give us the grab. Now.”
Like a charging bull, Bricker sped towards them, picked both thugs (each screaming bloody murder) up bodily, then tossed them headfirst into the side of the wall. Both of them were knocked out, maybe permanently.
Nosedive’s jaw went slack in amazement, which quickly went to a furious glare.
“Did you seriously finish off four of them? COME ON BRICKER. LEAVE SOME OF THEM TO ME.” Nosedive shouted. Bricker mumbled an apology guiltily.
“Granted, Bricker didn’t tear off pieces of them and give them more bruises than I could possibly imagine,” Blackeye remarked as he looked at the ripped-up horror show down the alley. Nosedive scowled, but Blackeye could tell that she was proud of the mangled figure she had made from her victim. Blackeye frowned at the sadistic side of Nosedive.
(I think i'd rather fight Bricker than Nosedive, apparently)
Couple of things for you:
His fist hit the jaw of the mugger with a satisfying crunch, who roared out in pain.
It's unclear from the sentence who is roaring in pain. Maybe try:
With a satisfying crunch, his fist hit the jaw of the mugger, who roared out in pain.
Nosedive high-kicked another in the face, blood spurting out of his nostrils.
I assume the guy who got kicked is spurting blood, but the sentence sounds like the blood is coming from Nosedive's nose, for some reason. Maybe try:
A high-kick from Nosedive sent blood spurting from another thug's nose.
Also, how many thugs are there? It initially sounds like 3, and then 5, but I'm not sure.
Otherwise, very, very good!
Thanks for the suggestions! I'll put that in right away! I felt like I'd done something wrong with that fight scene, but I wasn't sure what. I think my weak spot in my writing is always my fight scenes, so this helps so much!
Oh, and there's five of them. It's two on either side of the main one. I think I could make that clearer too.
(The action was pretty easy to follow! Just a couple of little pieces and it'll be really good :)
( Thanks :) )
Ok, snippets two and three are gonna be combined here, since I didn't do one yesterday. Its starting to get tense!
He turned around to the other bodies, but he only counted three of them. “Uh . . . Bricker, where’s the other one?” Blackeye asked nervously.
Bricker shrugged. “I don’t know. He probably ran. I mean, I can’t handle all of them. What did you expect?”
Blackeye took a step toward the leader and crouched down beside him. On the side of his cheek was a tattoo of a red serpent’s silhouette. He tried to keep his composure, but his face betrayed him.
“What’s wrong?” Nosedive asked.
“We need to go. Now. Quickly, up to the roofs.”
The three of them speedily hopped up the buildings, using the windows and balconies as handholds. Nosedive was the first to the top, her agility making her look like a white-haired monkey. After her, came Blackeye, sweating slightly as he reached the tiled top of the climb. Finally, came Bricker, huffing and puffing as dragged his enormous bulk up to the top.
Just as Bricker’s foot scaled the end of the wall, they started to hear voices from below.
“There’s nothing here boss.” a gruff, sandy voice said.
“I’m sure there is, boss! I mean, they couldn’t have knocked themselves senseless from a couple of beers right?” said another voice. Blackeye realized that this was the voice of one of the attackers.
“I’ve seen how tipsy you get after a pint. Don’t lie, Marcus.” The other voices laughed. Blackeye shivered. He knew that voice. They all knew that voice. That was the voice of Cairnove Kels.
Cairnove was a leader of the Blood Serpents. With flaming red hair, an excellent sense of perception, and feet faster than a hawk, she was a tough and capable fighter. But what set her out from the rest was her control over fire. She was a Pyrian. The fact that she was here at all, meant that they had just beat up a seriously important member of the snakes.
Blackeye gulped subconsciously. He checked on his friends, only to find them just as petrified as he was. If she caught them . . .
No, Blackeye. Don’t think about that.
“I swear I didn’t do it! It was a bunch of dumb kids. Couldn’t be older than 17. And there’s no way I could do all of this!” The old voice said, sounding scared to the bone.
The conversation below turned serious as Cairnove said, “Okay. We’ll send some search parties. We’ll catch these bluggers, and when we do, their pockets will be empty and their body bruised.” Cheers echoed through the alley.
“Mind you, the same applies to Marcus, if he knocked Bill, Taran, and Snat out. But whoever did that,” she implied to the barely breathing body further back. “To Zenny, is not seeing another day alive.”
There was silence, then Blackeye heard hurried footsteps searching the alleys. Blackeye breathed out a sigh of relief.
We’re safe. For now. Stealthily, they started to silently creep across the roof.
“Hey, you! Up there!”
All three of them froze solid.
( O.O )
Alright, Snippet 4! enjoy!
WARNING!! WARNING!! MINOR SWEAR WORDS INCLUDED!! PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK!!
“Yeah, don’t think I didn’t see you there. I saw that foot go over the roof.” Blackeye was pretty sure he was an ice cube.
“Look, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. Bill probably cornered you (I know how hot-headed he is), and you fought back. I can get that. But, for what you did to Zenny, that I can’t forgive.” Cairnove called up. “I’ll give you three seconds to come down here, and fight me like you’re not the cowards you really are.”
Blackeye looked on either side of him. Both of them looked terrified out of their minds.
Crap. Crap crap crap crap.
Crap crap crappity crap CRAPPING crap crap.
“Run!” Bricker shouted. In an instant, they were running down the roof, just as the sickening crash and sound of wood burning came from the other side of the building.
She’s gonna burn the house down, Blackeye realized.
Quickly, they leapt to the next building, only to see Cairnove following them, hands outstretched, ready to launch a spurt of fire that would beat away the entire building before it stopped.
“Oh don’t run away darlings, it’s never as fun when you don’t put up a fight.” Cairnove cackled in mad glee.
“Faster faster faster!” Nosedive yelled. Quickly they leaped to the next building, just barely landing on the drainage pipe and already scrambling to get higher. Just after they jumped, a column of flames shot from down below, and the house immediately lit on fire.
“Come out to play, little ones! I’m not going to kill you! I’m going to do so much worse!” Cairnove screamed.
( XD I dont think you need to trigger warning your writing for using 'Crap'. You can if you really feel like it but you're not bothering anyone if you dont, no worries)