forum Thoughts?
Started by @Burn_With_Me group
tune

people_alt 54 followers

@Burn_With_Me group

This is something I wrote a few years ago but recently stumbled upon. I really like it, but I think it could use a little tweaking. Could I get some of y'alls opinions on this?

Ira looked into his sister's eyes. They were filled with tears. His hand was white from holding on so tightly, but she was slipping away.
"I love you," she said to him.
When she let go, Ira screamed louder than he had ever screamed in his life. His sister was gone, sucked into a black hole by unknown forces.
Then the vortex disappeared, and the stars shone again in the sky, bright as ever. The lights from the other houses came back on.
Ira was left holding on the window frame, his whole body trembling. One arm was still outstretched through the window, as though he thought he could grab his sister if he just reached far enough.
"Chloe!" he called raggedly into the night.
No answer.
"Chloe!" His voice broke, and he sank to the ground, tears springing into his eyes. "Chloe…"
Sobs wracked his shoulders and filled the empty room. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he cried. An overwhelming anger swelled inside him, mingling with his grief. He stood up suddenly, his face wet with tears. He looked around the room, hatred bubbling inside him.
"WHY?" he yelled at the room. His throat felt like it was ripping apart, and his tears burned hot in his eyes, but they were nothing compared to the raw ache in his chest.
He whirled around and faced the window furiously, his eyes blurred. The lights in the windows and the sky seemed to stare on coldly.
"GIVE ME BACK MY SISTER!" he screamed at it. It did nothing.
Ira threw himself at the window, hitting it and roaring, tears pouring out of his eyes. "GIVE HER BACK! I HATE YOU! GIVE HER—"
He slammed his fist against the window so hard it shattered and cut his hand. A shard flew at Ira's face and sliced his cheek. His yells of pain mixed with his cries of sorrow. Blood spurted from his hand like a dying crimson fountain, covering his arm with the dark liquid. His tears mixed with the blood on his cheek and dripped to the ground.
Ira did not hear his parents rush up the stairs and come banging into the room. He did not feel his father help him down the stairs as his mother tearfully called 911. He only felt a stabbing pain in his heart and the hot tears that trickled down his face as he thought of Chloe… his Chloe.

@imNOTdenki

okay i was a bit confused bc too it me it seemed like he was holding his sister and then he reached out to a window? like her corpse vanished or something? it confused me a little bit.

@Burn_With_Me group

Ohhh, sorry! This is only a chapter in a book. She was already suck through the window and he was holding onto her trying to pull her back in. In the previous chapter it says this but not in this one. Sorry! I'll try to fix that.