forum Some more help please?
Started by @Echo_6 group

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@Echo_6 group

So I'm writing this scene with one of my characters who was shot in the throat. I'm trying to make the readers feel the panic that the character is feeling, but I feel like I'm not doing that. Can I get some help and advice please?

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His breath echoed harshly in his ears, loud in the encompassing silence. What happened?

Opening his eye he could see the shapes of his companions around him. Some were facing him, he thought, while the others scanned the area. Tolkalee tried to breathe in fully, then something coated the inside of his lungs, his throat, and his mouth. He could practically feel the gurgling in his lungs as a liquid sprayed them. He coughed violently and the hot metallic liquid gushed out of his mouth. It was dark red. (Tolkalee tried to take a steadying breath and choked on something coating his lungs, his throat, his mouth.

He felt someone turn him onto his side while he coughed, they were trying to keep him from choking on his own blood. If he had to guess, it was Lachlan pressing something to his throat. They all had basic medical training, but Lachlan's training was far more extensive, covering more advanced injuries. Such as being shot in the throat!

Tolkalee panicked as he realized what had happened to him. He started thrashing as he struggled to breathe. Somewhere in his mind he heard Lachlan ordering him to calm down and stop moving, but the state of panic he was in didn't allow him to calm down.

He couldn't breathe! He was drowning in his own blood. This had never happened before. What was he supposed to do? He couldn't scream for help. He couldn't move. He was trapped. He was going to die… He was actually going to die!

He couldn't die! He had a son! He had to get back to him. He had to fight, he had to get out!

His chest felt like fire was pelting it, little white dots danced behind his eyelids. He wanted to claw at his throat. It was closing up, a heavy weight settling on his throat and chest. Pressing in on him, but he was on his side!

Everything spasmed. He couldn't breathe. He gagged and vomited, blood spilling from his mouth, along with red foam. He felt weightless then like a rock. He tried to thrash his arms, trying to swim to the surface of the water. He was drowning!

No matter how hard he thrashed he couldn't move his arms. He was sinking! He was really going to drown!

Seara! She needed him! He had to try and get to the surface. His throat rippled in pain as he coughed and gagged. His lungs begged for air that he could not give them. Pain webbed its way around him. He couldn't move.

He couldn't breathe.

Everything was beginning to fade. He felt weightless again.

He tried to thrash again, but he felt numb. He sank deeper. He was tired. Everything was spinning, no, he was spinning. He no longer had the energy to fight.

This was how he died.