forum
May I post mine here, would like some feedback if possible :)
Started by
@livingonthedgeofmybooks
tune
![](/rails/active_storage/representations/redirect/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsibWVzc2FnZSI6IkJBaHBBajU5IiwiZXhwIjpudWxsLCJwdXIiOiJibG9iX2lkIn19--ff06309b7eacd6737a3f9b94e9f72e980104e07d/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsibWVzc2FnZSI6IkJBaDdCem9MWm05eWJXRjBTU0lJY0c1bkJqb0dSVlE2RkhKbGMybDZaVjkwYjE5c2FXMXBkRnNIYVZWcFZRPT0iLCJleHAiOm51bGwsInB1ciI6InZhcmlhdGlvbiJ9fQ==--f1911195a99e877b06987e2dd07ccbb0fc8dae18/smaller.png)
@andrew health_and_safety flash_onAdmin
I actually love how "Ustnala" rolls off the tongue. :)
It's definitely a good start. From the description, am I correct in assuming you're running with a dystopian theme here?
Some questions I had:
-
Why are there people on this planet? How did they get there? Who put them there? (I imagine a reader would also have the same questions, so revealing it piece by piece would probably be a good idea!)
-
Who's in charge of this world? Who keeps the segments separate? How do they keep the peace?
Some other comments:
-
Modoka sounds cool, too, but with all the references to advanced technology on the planet I'd love to see more cool tools in items as well!
-
Anger's mentioned in at least a few of the characters. Might be worth throwing in a super-chill foil to balance them out, but of course they don't need to be a main character!
-
Jacob sounds fun. Remembering you were taken sounds like a recipe for disaster!
(One other note: I see Jackson listed as Xander's dad, but I don't think he's tagged as inside the universe. You probably need to add him to the universe, because nobody has permission to actually view the linked page otherwise!)