forum LB Cheers on TTDIW's NaNoWriMo
Started by @LittleBear group
tune

people_alt 44 followers

@TryToDoItWrite

You wanna read my terrible opening scene?? course you do!!

act one, scene one, The Ruins

The ruins of a great temple stood around the two girls—what was left of high walls, vaulted ceilings, and endless stairs that led deeper down into even more dilapidated rooms. The forest around had creeped closer over the years until vines claimed the crumbling rocks as their own and vegetation grew between the cracked mortar.
The girls took it all in.
One, the taller of the two, had her hands on her hips. Rope hung over her shoulder and a machete hung at her waist. Sweat dripped down the sides of her face. It was hot in the South, after all. She grinned.
The other obviously didn’t want to be there. She drew into herself like a frightened turtle, arms crossed, tight lipped.
The two stood on the edge of a gaping hole in the floor. It led into the lower rooms of the temple that were long ago only accessible to the holy priestesses that resided there.
“What do you think is down there?” The first asked, slinging the coil of rope off her shoulder.
“Our untimely deaths, no doubt.” The second girl wrung her hands together. “We shouldn’t be here, Naomi. The Prince’s party will be arriving soon and we can’t be late. Neste‘ll be expecting us. I need to get hot water for the ladies bathes—”
As she talked, Naomi worked to secure the rope to a large piece of rubble. Now she said camly, “Kira.”
“The noble ladies won’t stand for sorta warm water—”
“Kira.”
“What?” Kira frowned at her friend.
“You’re scared.”
“Of Neste? Who wouldn’t be? I mean, with those hulking arms.” Kira let out a hysterical giggle.
“No,” Naomi said patiently. “You’re scared of this temple.”
Here a bit of anger crept into Kira’s voice. “Well, of course I am! You’re barking mad, Naomi. This place is cursed. I can feel it in my spirit.”
“There’s no such thing as a curse.” Naomi tugged at the rope to make sure it held firm.
Kira looked exasperated. They had gone through this song and dance before. “How can you say that?”
“Very easily. Just as easily as you blame everything on Malignants or curses.” She rubbed her gloved hands together. “Ready?”
“I dunno…” Kira was on the verge of leaving her friend to crawl down the gaping hole alone.
Then Naomi grabbed her hands. “You can do this. The only thing to be scared of here is crumbling stone. Look around.” She gestured at the ruins. “It’s just an old building. It’s just walls, a roof and a floor. Why can’t we look around for a couple minutes?”
Kira shook her head. “I donno,” she repeated.
“I’ll give you half my bread portion for the rest of the week.” Naomi said it with a sweet smile then pleaded, “Please…”
“Okay.” Kira sighed. “Okay. A couple of minutes.”
Naomi grinned in triumph. In seconds, she had begun the descent into the darkness, rappelling down with swift sure movements. Kira mimicked her friend with slow, unsure movements.
The hole seemed much deeper looking up from the bottom than looking down from the top. It swallowed the girls. Around them, a deep black stretched infinitely.
“I hope we can back up again.” Kira gazed longingly at the light filtering through the foliage above the ruined ceiling high above.
“You worry too much,” Naomi said. She lit a torch, holding it up to examine the walls around. These were covered in lichen and moss.
Kira said with a scoff, “You don’t worry enough. We have to be back at the castle before the royals get here and this time, I really do think Neste will have us whipped if we aren’t on time.”
“We won’t be late.” Naomi’s voice was distracted. She was somewhere else—or should we say some time else. The ruins had consumed her so completely that she was lost in them, in a time they stood great and proud. She tried to imagine what they would have been like, filled with priestesses bustling to and fro, doing whatever secret mysterious things that they do. She noticed that the rooms here were all roughly the same size and shape. “These must have been their quarters. We have to go deeper.”
“What exactly are you looking for?”
“Evidence.”
“For what?”
“To prove that the priestesses aren’t just reading and praying to nothing in these stupid temples. They have to draw their power from something. I want to know what it is.”
Kira rolled her eyes. “Spirits above, you are stubborn. Can’t you accept—”
“Don’t launch into a speech about the Good Spirit and our ancestor’s spirits granting the Temple power. I’ve heard it a million times.”
Kira huffed in annoyance. “I don’t understand you. You have a Talent. You actually have the Good Spirit’s power flowing in your veins and you don’t believe.”
“Talents are products of bloodlines, just like hair and eye color,” Naomi shot back automatically. “They’re unexplainable in the same way weather is unexplainable. It’s natural. Not supernatural.”
“Whatever you say.” Kira had known of her friend’s disbelief for some time, and it was a tired argument.
They continued on, following random corridors, navigating fallen walls and crumbling stairs. Deeper and deeper they went.
Then, Naomi stopped. Two passages branched off. Both had stairs leading downwards. Until this moment, she’d simply picked the choice that would lead deeper. Now, she was unsure.
“It’s been more than a couple of minutes.” Kira hugged her arms around herself. It had gotten colder as they’d descended, but that wasn’t the only reason goosebumps covered her arms and legs. Something was all around—a presence—and both girls could sense it, in one way or another. It watched them.
“We’re close to something,” Naomi said, her voice soft. “I can feel it.”
“No, no, no.” Kira tugged at her arm. “Let’s go, please. You may not believe in Malignants, but I do. There is something here and I don’t like it.”
Inexplicably, Naomi made a choice. Something about the right passage drew her in. She marched forward, saying over her shoulder, “We’ll leave soon.”
Unmoving, Kira watched her friend for a second, concern on every line of her face. But she didn’t want to leave the torchlight. She followed hesitantly.
Naomi and Kira walked slowly, glancing left and right at the ruins of rooms. Something caught Naomi’s eye—a glint of light shining back at her from one of the rooms. In an instant, her heart-rate shot up. She grabbed the hilt of her machete.
“What is it?” Kira’s voice was small under the weight of her fear and unease.
Naomi shook her head. Her pulse settled as she realized what it was.
“It’s okay. I thought I saw a light. But it’s just a reflection of this in the fire.” Naomi picked a chain of metal links off the floor and shook the dust off it.
She smiled triumphantly at her friend. “Even if I don’t find anything at all about priestesses, this will have been worth it. I think it’s made of silver.”
“Leave it!”
“Why?”
“You can’t take things from the cursed ruins of a holy temple! So much is wrong with that. So much.”
“You’d give up good money because of superstition? You’re more stupid than I thought.”
“Don’t say that!” Kira was close to tears. “Put it back, please, Naomi. I’ve come with you this far, but we have to go. The nobles are supposed to arrive by noon. It must be close to time.”
“Fine.” Naomi slipped the necklace into her pocket.
“Naomi!”
“What?”
“Don’t take it, please. It’s cursed. I just know.”
“Curses aren’t real. I’ll prove it to you.” She shot her friend a smug expression, took the chain out of her pocket and put it on.
“Good Spirit above save you.” Kira moved two fingers into the air above her head then touched them to her lips in a sign to ward off evil spirits.
Naomi laughed and led the way out of the winding corridors of the ruins. The chain didn’t feel like a curse on her neck. In fact, it felt like a blessing. She could sell it for fifteen gold credits easily and her mom and her would eat well for the rest of the year.
The presence was pleased. Finally, finally, after fifty long years of waiting and watching, someone had found it. When the girl left the temple, so would it.

@LittleBear group

Okay first Impression, this was so deliciously good! I'll get into specifics, but I loved the little details that pointed to little interesting pieces to come. It was full of subtle hooks! Also, I'm actually terrible at anything creepy, so I'm hugely jealous.
So, I just copied and pasted your stuff onto word and started making comments where I thought they were warranted - here they are! Also as always, my edits are just suggestions!

The ruins of a great temple stood around the two girls

So the wording of this is odd, it gives more personification to the walls than the girls. Try “The two girls stood among the ruins of a great temple.” The part that comes after seems to be trailing off a bit, it leaves the sentence/thought unfinished.

The forest around had creeped closer over the years until vines claimed the crumbling rocks as their own and vegetation grew between the cracked mortar.

"Between" is a little redundant, try “In” instead.

It was hot in the South, after all. She grinned

Try “she was grinning”, right now it reads as if she was amused by something and it was a moment

I loved the "like a frightened turtle", lol.

of the temple that were long ago only accessible to the holy priestesses that resided there.

Wordy, try “that long ago, only the holy priestesses who resided there could access”

Now she said camly, “Kira.”

Calmly.

Naomi tugged at the rope to make sure it held firm.

Switch to “and” to make it seem less clinical

So you use dunno twice, with two different spellings. Stick with one form of “dunno” or “donno”

“I’ll give you half my bread portion for the rest of the week.”

Interesting! So we know the girls are servants, but now they have rations, I want to know more about the structure of their lives! Also by the context clues this sound like early 20th century explorers in Egypt – like the Mummy or maybe Lara Croft. Are they wearing pants? Dresses? You said south earlier, is this the antebellum south? Is this during a war? Is this in the US? But there is a prince? Is this a different planet?

rappelling down with swift sure movements. Kira mimicked her friend with slow, unsure movements.

Don’t use the same word too close together

“You worry too much,” Naomi said. She lit a torch, holding it up to examine the walls around. These were covered in lichen and moss.

Odd wording. Try “they” instead of “these”

Kira said with a scoff, “You don’t worry enough. We have to be back at the castle before the royals get here

Just a style thing, but putting how Kira said it interrupts the flow a bit. Try “‘You don’t worry enough”’. Kira said with a scoff, ‘We have to be back at the castle before the royals…”

in a time they stood great and proud

Try "grand" here

our ancestor’s spirits granting the Temple power. I’ve heard it a million times.”

Okay, now I’m starting to think of the ruins as like druid ruins?

“Talents are products of bloodlines, just like hair and eye color,” Naomi shot back automatically. “They’re unexplainable in the same way weather is unexplainable. It’s natural. Not supernatural.”

Nice, natural information implant!

. Something caught Naomi’s eye—a glint of light shining back at her from one of the rooms. In an instant, her heart-rate shot up

I like the foreshadowing here, even thought the event is more heavily alluded to later, this is nice!

then touched them to her lips in a sign to ward off evil spirits.

I think this comes across if you just stop after "lips", you don't need to spell everything out!

She could sell it for fifteen gold credits easily and her mom and her would eat well for the rest of the year.

I’m pretty sure “her” is not grammatically correct because if you were to take away the “her mom” part it would be “she would eat well for the rest of the year”. However, replacing it would also sound kinda weird.

And that last line is so good! Consider me hooked, I cant wait to read what you've got next!

@TryToDoItWrite

honestly, i'm just too anxious to get your feedback on a certain really intense scene to show you what comes directly after this, so bit of plot summary leading up to the part you'll get next:
-Kira falls while trying to climb out of the ruins and breaks her leg(s)
-Naomi takes her pain with her talent
-later that night, Naomi realizes she can't get the necklace off
-she rationalizes it as best she can
-two days pass
-Naomi has been having some weird dreams that are foreshadowing
-Kira gets suddenly sick (i haven't fully researched this bit, but we're gonna say it was an infection from wounds in the fall that has have reached her bone marrow)
-she gets worse and worse and Kira's mother (Gaho) says she'll die if she doesn't get immediate help
-Naomi goes to get a local healer during the early early morning, but by the time she's coming back, it's light

and hey I just realized that this is very very long, so feel free to ignore little mistakes!! I really just want to know how the pacing felt and if the tensions were high enough…cause i feel like they're not and they need to be much higher.

BTW this is lowkey written in the omnipotent 3rd, which i've never really done before, so tell me if anything is…..weird sounding

Act 1 Scene 7 or 8ish

If Eshmun was as knowledgeable and skilled as they say, he could get rid of Kira’s infection.
“My friend. She’s sick. She broke both her legs two days ago but we thought she was healing alright. She has a fever now. We think it’s some sort of infection. The scrapes she got during the fall are red and yellow pus is oozing out of them.”
“Hm.”
He puttered around the room, grabbing random assortments of bottles, clay pots, and herbs from the ceiling, and stuffing them in a satchel, all the while muttering and nodding.
When he gathered what he deemed necessary, he gestured for Naomi to lead the way out of the tiny hovel.

They walked through the woods, then into the city. Eshmun couldn’t go much faster than a cow plodding on its way to market and Naomi itched with impatience.
They were only about twenty minutes from the castle gates when the horns blared in the city square, followed by the answering horn from Draset.
Naomi frowned, trying to recall Neste telling her of any other important figures arriving today. She couldn’t remember.
“We should hurry,” she said.
“Hm.” Eshmun picked up the pace from a walk to a brisker walk. That would have to do.
She led him away from the main streets, down backstreets and alleys. Meeting an official procession would mean that she and Eshmun would have to stand still as they passed and Naomi knew they had lost enough time as it was.
Unfortunately, the universe has a keen sense of bad timing.
Just as the pair entered the outer gate, the guards filed out of the guard tower to meet the procession. They, evidently, had hastily arranged their themselves into something that resembled a dignified and alert infantry. It was a poor attempt. One had his conical helmet backwards, and another had thrown his breastplate over his nightshirt.
“What are you doing?” A guard asked Naomi. “No one’s allowed entry ‘less they’re—”
“I’m a servant. I live here. Let us through!”
But it was too late. The first of the men-at-arms of the procession crested the hill. All the guards saluted.
Then a murmur went through the poorly dressed men.
It was not an ordinary party arriving. The bold blue banner with its seven silver stars signified that it was the High Priestess.
Quickly, they dropped to their knees, eyes down. Eshmun followed more slowly, bending on creaking old joints.
Naomi froze. Her heartbeat quickened. She’d never seen a holy procession before, let alone her. An internal voice in her head told her to run—to get out of sight of the High Priestess before it was too late.
Naomi didn’t understand her own instincts.
First marched twenty men. They wore black uniforms of thick leather and studded with bright steel. It was a uniform more suited to the colder regions north of Xeam. Ten mounted soldiers followed, with dark metal armor that reflected the sun in a strangely sinister way. A group of women, priestesses, on horses in flowing grey robes surrounded her—the High Priestess.
She looked more like a queen than anyone else Naomi had met in her short life. Her chin tilted upwards. Her eyes gazed sharply about. Her lips curled downwards. Only she, out of her group, wore colored clothing—a rich blue.
Naomi, still standing, caught her attention. She held up a hand. At once, the party halted.
“Kneel for your Holy High Priestess, girl,” one of the soldiers shouted.
The internal voice was still screaming at her to run, to get out of eyesight. But Naomi couldn’t. She had a fundamental disrespect for the high and mighty running through her veins and she wasn’t going to let this puffed-up, so called “holy” lady intimidate her.
“I kneel only for Lord Ike.”
Eshmun’s eyes widened. He grabbed her arm and yanked her down with the force of a younger man. With a yelp, Naomi was on both her knees.
“Beg pardon, Your Holiness,” he said. “She is young.”
“Is that an excuse for impudence?” The High Priestess’s voice was cold. She studied her for a second, then something seemed about Naomi seemed to prick her attention. She stiffened in her saddle ever so slightly.
“Bring her here.”
Naomi’s heart leapt into her throat.
Run. She wished she could.
Two soldiers moved forward in unison and hauled her to her feet. She tried to keep from wincing at the pressure of their grip. Standing close to the High Pristess’s horse, Naomi was forced to look upwards at her as she asked,
“Who are you?”
“Naomi Avenir of Draset.” Naomi kept her head held high, meeting the High Priestess’s gaze.
“A servant?”
Naomi nodded.
“But a rich servant, no? You wear a fine silver necklace.”
Instinctively, her hands touched the chain she had forgotten about.
“No, not rich. It was my mother’s mother’s.” The lie came easily.
But as Naomi looked at the High Pristess’s smooth, beautiful face, she got the distinct impression she knew she was lying.
“Why are you here at the gate? I don’t see any other villagers here.”
“Your Holiness—” She forced the the respectful words out of her mouth with some difficulty. “—I was fetching this man to heal my friend.”
Eshmun let out a deep sigh.
The laws of the kingdom decree that no man or woman shall practice the art of healing except for those of the Holy Temple. A fief like Zuiden had grown lax over the years. They were so far south of the royal city, and Priestess Esra was so old that the rules had been bent over the years.
“Heal?” The High Priestess’s voice remained level.
“Yes. She’s dying. Let us go to her…please.”
The High Priestess smiled to herself. This was the opportunity she had been looking for at Draset.
“No, girl. I will do better.”
She nodded her head at one of the men-at-arms, who called an order. Immediately, three other men joined him and surrounded Naomi and Eshmun. One pulled the old man to his feet. Another grabbed Naomi’s shoulder, but she pushed his hand aside.
Most of the other guards would have given her a sharp blow to the head for that, but the guard was a younger man, and not so jaded. He did nothing but glare at her and take a firm grip on her shoulder once again.
They marched behind the procession as it continued into the main yard. By that time, everyone in the castle had spilled out to see the High Priestess and kneel before her.
Even Lord and Lady Ike knelt. Lady Ike looked painfully pale and extremely pregnant. Old Esra stood next to her.
Lord Ike called, “Welcome, your holiness, to Castle Draset. It is an honor.”
Naomi felt strangely low at the sight. Her lord knelt to the holy lady where he had not even knelt to the royal prince.
“Thank you, Lord Ike. I came to give the newly betrothed couple my best wishes.”
The statement didn’t see odd to most of the crowd of peasants and children, but a few did stop to wonder why the High Priestess would travel all the way to Draset when the wedding would take place in the royal city in a fortnight.
The High Priestess continued, “Yes, Lord Ike, that was my intention when traveling here, but another, more serious issue has come to my attention.”
She nodded at the men surrounding Naomi and Eshmun. They marched forward.
Some of the servants of the castle muttered when they saw Naomi, saying things like, “That girl has no regard for anything holy. She’ll be executed, mark my words.”
Most of the castle’s attention, however, was focused on Eshmun. The old man had saved countless lives over the years, and was a friend to all, though they knew he acted illegally.
The High Priestess’s eyes flashed. “This healer is not a member of the Holy Temple. His works are unclean yet you have allowed to practice inside your very district.”
Lord Ike tried for an apologetic but soothing tone. “Your Holiness, Eshmun of Talver is a very pious man. Many believe the Good Spirit has blessed him with the abilities of the Temple.”
“Impossible.” The word was like a whip cracking. Naomi flinched. The murmuring of the crowd was instantly silenced. “This man does not use the gifts of the Spirit. Pour the contents of his bag out.”
The soldier next to Eshmun seized the satchel from around his neck and turned it over. The clay pots and glass bottles inside came tumbling out, smashing onto the dirt. Strange smelling liquids and powers and dried plants mingled together. Some hissed and fizzed as they mixed, causing gasps from the youngest in the crowd.
The High Priestess was pleased with the effect. “The Good Spirit requires no such filth to heal. Girl—” She directed this at Naomi. “—bring me your sick friend.”
Naomi hesitated, conflicting emotions battling within her. She hated the High Priestess—hated her arrogance, her commanding voice, her treatment of Eshmun. Everything in her gut was telling her to get as far away as possible from her. But Kira was dying.
Naomi’s feet decided for her, automatically taking the route to the servant’s quarters. The young soldier who had escorted her close behind. As she crossed the yard, the people still kneeling shuffled aside for her, keeping their eyes downcast.
Through the door, down a passage, to the left, left, then right. Through another door—Naomi’s heartbeat rose rapidly as she walked. The uncertainty of the holy lady’s plans for Kira and her own punishment scared her. She half wanted to pull her machete on the soldier and take the consequences from there—a real physical fight instead of whatever the High Priestess would deal out.

Kira was alone in the dim, long dormitory. She looked pitifully small and pale. Gaho had been forced to leave her when the High Priestess had arrived in the keep.
Naomi smoothed her mussed hair down and said, “You’re going to be alright. They’re going to heal you.”
The sick girl answered with a soft moan of pain. She didn’t open her eyes.
“I’ll take her,” the soldier said. He picked her up with little effort not to jostle her and the bones in her legs shifted.
Naomi could help the little cry that escaped her lips. She sucked in a huge breath to stifle it.
The soldier gave her a look. “I’m not going to hurt her.” His voice was neither concerned nor unconcerned, empathetic nor brusk. It was carefully trained in the art of neutral speech.
She shook her head, blinking the involuntary tears out of her eyes. Slowly, she released the breath. “Both her legs are broken. Be careful with her.”
“You’re in pain.”
Naomi almost laughed. “Yes. I’m in pain.” She’d been in pain for so long that it felt like a part of her now.
The young soldier looked at Naomi for a second, as if seeing her for the first time. Then he nodded at her to lead the way back. The High Priestess would be waiting.
As they had fetched Kira, the High Priestess and her party had dismounted. The assembled crowds had risen to their feet. Some servants had taken the horses to the stables and others had plied the honored guests with cups of water. The priestesses, of course, would refuse the customary offer of wine.
The High Priestess waved a hand at them as they returned to the main yard. “Lay her on the ground.”
Naomi braced for the harsh impact, but it never came. The solider lowered her slowly. She felt a rush of gratitude for the small kindness.
“What ails this one, girl?”
“Her legs are broken and an infection has spread in her bones.”
The lady stooped low next to Kira, touching her cheek. Then she rose and pronounced, “She will die today if not given aid.”
The crowd muttered uneasily. They all liked Kira. She was patient and always smiled when she passed them in the passage ways. Naomi wanted to scream. The High Priestess’s theatrics were too much for her. She was playing to the crowd, making a show of her own good deed, and—ironically—unintentionally showcasing Naomi’s mistakes all over again.
“Through me and not this false man—” She pointed at Eshmun. “the Good Spirit will heal her.”
She knelt beside Kira, hands hovering over her feverish body. She muttered strings of words that Naomi could not recognize. Then she touched her left leg.
Pain shot through Naomi’s whole body. It was explosive, searing pain that could not have been caused simply by the touch. Kira, of course, felt nothing.
The High Priestess looked up, surprised. Loudly, she asked the crowd, “This girl feels no pain. How?”
People whispered amongst themselves for a moment, then one of the cooks stepped forward to point at Naomi, “It’s her, Your Holiness.”
Naomi balled her hands into fists at her side, and said nothing. She couldn’t take a breath for the burning in her chest.
After a long look at Naomi, the High Priestess touched Kira’s other leg. Naomi didn’t think it was possible, but the burning throughout her body increased.
Though she tried to stop it, she let out a ragged gasp and squeezed her eyes shut.
The High Priestess stood and stepped close to her, examining her in a new light.
She said, “You are Talented, girl?”
Naomi managed a nod. She couldn’t see the lady’s face through tears.
Even if she had, she might not have been able to see the sickening satisfaction Naomi’s pain brought the High Priestess. It was well-hidden under a veneer of cold piety.
She called, “Alexander, make sure this girl doesn’t try to stop me from healing her friend. She will be in true agony.”
Naomi, with an effort, straightened and glared at the High Priestess. “I don’t fear pain.”
The young soldier, Alexander, said softly, “Don’t fool yourself. Everyone does.”
The High Priestess knelt by Kira again, continuing her ritual with more strange words, prayers to the Good Spirit. Then she reached for Kira’s left arm. In the seconds before she touched the sick girl, Naomi exhaled all the air from her lungs. When the now familiar burning pain redoubled, she contained her cry to a sharp inhale.
She blinked tears away, taking several shuddering breaths, preparing for the next wave. She couldn’t give the High Priestess the satisfaction of seeing her break down.
Kira’s left arm was next, then her sides, then her shoulders—Naomi endured that mounting pain without much incident. Then the High Priestess touched her neck.
Naomi let out a cry like a dying animal, dropping to her knees. People in the yard gasped.
It was like the flesh was being ripped off of her bones, like liquid fire was bubbling under her skin.
Then, in one split second of weakness, she let the pain go and instantly—she felt fine.
Kira began to scream.
“No,” Naomi choked out. She tried to lunge forward, but Alexander grabbed her shoulders. “No! Let me go!” She threw an elbow back and struck him in the chest. Against the thick leather armor, it didn’t do anything. “I need to touch her! Let me go!” He continued to hold her back, but he was frowning.
The sick girl writhed and thrashed around on the ground, the screaming dissolving into sobs.
The High Priestess, with a solemn expression, called loudly, “Give this one life, oh most High and Good. Give her life.” Then she touched the tip of her finger to Kira’s forehead.
Kira let out a shriek to wake the dead. It sent a shudder through the men and women in the castle yard. It lasted for six or seven seconds, but to Naomi, it felt like an eternity.
“Let me go, let me go!” She writhed and kicked and twisted in Alexander’s grip.
Then it stopped—the torture and the awful screaming.
Kira’s eyes opened and the High Priestess offered her a graceful hand, smiling down at her.
Kira stood, gazing star-struck at her savior.
“Healing is painful,” the High Priestess called to the crowd. “But pain helps cleanse the soul. This girl is in perfect health, praise be to the Good Spirit.”
A cheer went up.
She waved a hand to quiet them. “As for the false healer, the Good Spirit asks me to show mercy. He will be allowed to live, so long as he never continues his wicked practice.”
Another resounding cheer for the grace of the High Priestess echoed around the yard. She smiled.
“People of Draset, remember who you give your life to. Don’t forget during your days that every action must be for the Good Spirit. The Malignant is always searching for ways to steal a man’s soul. Don’t let the rules of the temple fall away or you will live with the eternal consequences.”
Her words had an air of finality about them.
The men and women all nodded. Lord Ike and his family gave bows from the waist. The nobles moved to return inside, followed more hesitantly by the servants. A rumble of voices discussed the events in the yard as they resumed their daily tasks.
The High Priestess’s mission was completed. They feared her; they loved her; they respected her. A ruler needs all three.
Alexander released Naomi. She ran to her friend’s side, touching her forehead, searching for lingering pain. There was none. Her legs were healed. Her infection was gone. The only thing to remind an onlooker of the pain she’d been in was the tear tracks on her unwashed face.
“Thank you, Your Holiness.” She curtsied clumsily to her. “Thank you.”
“No need to thank me, dear child. Thank the Good Spirit.”
Kira smiled shakily, then turned to Naomi.
Naomi couldn’t meet her friend’s eyes. She had a lump in the back of her throat that threatened to turn into a sob if she opened her mouth.
But before she could do anything, Kira had wrapped her in a crushing hug. She whispered, “I know what you’re thinking, Naomi, and please don’t.”
The High Priestess interrupted. “Girl. Speak with me.”
Kira gave Naomi a tight squeeze then let her go, and, with a final curtsey to the High Priestess, walked away towards the kitchen.
Naomi watched her go. Then—
“Come closer,” she commanded.
Two more steps was all Naomi gave her. The High Priestess had proved her supernatural power and she didn’t want to be anywhere near her.
“You dare to be insolent, even after seeing what I can do?”
Naomi set her jaw and said nothing.
The High Priestess studied her for a moment, then asked in a strange, soft voice, “Where did you get that chain? Don’t lie again.”
A feeling of unease in Naomi’s gut knotted and twisted at the holy lady’s change of tone. “I told you. It’s a family heirloom.”
“You are lucky the Good Spirit teaches mercy.”
Naomi’s heart lurched. She could sense the anger simmering below this woman’s calm, cold demeanor and she wanted to be as far away from her as possible.
Naomi’s voice took on a respectful tone. “Thank you, Your Holiness, for healing my friend.”
“Let me offer you some wisdom, girl. Watch that mouth of yours. It tends to run away from you. As the Good Book says, a calm tongue is the beginning to a calm life.”
Naomi didn’t say anything.
“You are free to go.”
Free for now, the look on her face said.
Naomi backpedaled one or two steps, then spun around straight into one of the temple guards. He pushed her off of him roughly. She spat a curse under her breath and ran to the relative safety of the kitchens.

@LittleBear group

Hey so sorry for not responding, some stuff has been happening on campus. But anyways, lets get to it!

Holy. Shit. That was great! So initial thoughts, the second you started describing the young guard I started shipping them - couldn't stop myself, instant ship. There were some grammatical things and odd word choices that kind of jarred me out of the writing. But, once I got into it, it really flew.

You know I'm a sucker for unorthodox governing systems, so I'm really interested in how this society revolves around the High Priestess (and her priestesses) and the Lords - I can tell the relationship between the two is going to be interesting.

I'm also intrigued why Naomi is so scared of the Priestess, is there personal history with her specifically or with all of the Priestesses? Was it Kira's mother?

So with the magic system, its a apparent that Naomi took all of Kira's pain, especially since it said she always had pain.

“Yes. I’m in pain.” She’d been in pain for so long that it felt like a part of her now.

Does this mean that she has a lot of people's pain? Or that she has been holding all of Kira's pain this entire time. Because if it is the latter, would she have been able to walk the entire way? Maybe she could at least be limping. Then I wonder if there is significance that both her legs are broken? If there is not, I would suggest just one, it seems more plausible.

Oh me gee, this thing is dripping in foreshadowing and I love it. This section was full of hooks keeps me wanting more. Great job girly, keep it up!

@TryToDoItWrite

Dude you replied so fast!!! I sometimes forgot to check this site for like 8 years!! thank you so much!!

So initial thoughts, the second you started describing the young guard I started shipping them - couldn't stop myself, instant ship.

oh good then you're gonna like where this goes!! it's pretty angsty not gonna lie lol also i didn't even mean to do it..i was like no romance in this story and then I started writing these two and I couldn't help it…….i'm a piece of trash…

There were some grammatical things and odd word choices that kind of jarred me out of the writing.

yeaaaaaah. my prose is looking pretty rough rn

I can tell the relationship between the two is going to be interesting.

oh yeah dude that's like half the plot right there…if you can't tell the High Priestess is a power hungry monster!!

I'm also intrigued why Naomi is so scared of the Priestess, is there personal history with her specifically or with all of the Priestesses? Was it Kira's mother?

yeah, this is a deeper kind of foreshadowing that I didn't think would work well in the intial draft…the necklace Naomi accidently connected herself to has the spirit of a dead priestess inside of it and now the spirit of that priestess has the ability to kind of speak to her/give her vibes
the history of the priestess and why she doesn't like the High Priestess (besides for the obvious reasons) is also a big plot point

Does this mean that she has a lot of people's pain? Or that she has been holding all of Kira's pain this entire time. Because if it is the latter, would she have been able to walk the entire way? Maybe she could at least be limping. Then I wonder if there is significance that both her legs are broken? If there is not, I would suggest just one, it seems more plausible.

i'm struggling with this one. Naomi has been holding Kira's pain for a couple of days now but she's used to holding on to lots of peoples. Obviously no one can ever really take someone's pain, so I can't do proper research. i'm just making it up as I go and hope it sounds natural enough. Yeah, lol I was in the process of drafting it to say she only broke one leg, then i realized that some of the earlier stuff said two so I put the s in ( ) to show that it's kinda….not set in stone yet lol
that made no sense whatsoever
essentially, I see your point and I'm working to make her Talent seem more real

Thank you so much again!! You're a gem!!!