forum Inside - An Ongoing Story (Looking for critiques!)
Started by Deleted user
tune
Edit topic

people_alt 47 followers

Deleted user

Alright, I got this idea from another person, and here's what I'm gonna do: I'll post (at the very least) a paragraph of writing from a story I want to start. I want your opinions and critiques so that I can 1, be better, and 2, because I really need to work on something that I can use to ease the monster called stress. If you want to critique me at all, please do. If you just want to read, that's fine too. However, due to terrible planning on my part, I cannot start writing until Tuesday. There goes me, being an idiot again. Sigh… Anyways, how's everyone's Valentine's Day?

Deleted user

The glistening waters chant my name, but their sounds are muffled. They are trying to say something, what? I don't know. The sand beneath me burns my feet as I screech, sinking into the scorching earth. I cry out, but my throat burns, sand encasing me, becoming a part of me.

If I had only known better. I should have believed Luna, should have ran away, should have known that my reality was a lie, that they would trick me into coming home. That everyone's reality was a lie, just puppets and props in a dollhouse. Only a few became conscious.

I wish I could say I was the first.

Deleted user

(Oof, this was only the intro–I came up with it on the fly…)

Deleted user

Everything was perfect.

No one was ever starving, or in poverty, or ever depressed or sad.

I wish it would have lasted forever, sometimes.

Other times, I'd despise the childhood I had.

My mother was perfect. She had brown, flowing hair and doe-like blue eyes, like the sea. She often wore solid-colored dresses, her favorite one being yellow with sleeves that went down to her forearms. She stayed at home, doing mundane things like cleaning, cooking, and shopping for food.

My father was perfect. He had hair the color of wildfire, but he never got angry. If anything, he cared for his family and community. He worked for the kingdom's guard. Even better, he was the top of the ranks–a white knight. He was tall and strong, and would lift me up as a child, so I could "fly".
I have a younger sister, and ever since she was born, my parents have paid more attention to her. They still do, and she's 13. I didn't mind for a while–I was 17 and could mind my own business. Maybe that's how He showed me the truth, how I was less susceptible to the "Perfection".

Ah, for me to start, you might have to know my name first. Of course, silly me.

My name is Rhealdoli Forestar, and I'm just a girl of the middle-class. I'm perfect, too, with blonde hair and caramel-brown eyes, a petite figure often seen in lacy white dresses and skirts. Meet me, with a bright smile on my face as I retained my innocence as a teenager.

I wish I were still like that.

chgkc3

I don't know much about the world or the characters in general, but for Rhealdoli to be a princess, wouldn't one of her parents need to be of royalty? The mother seems like a stay at home mom, while the father is the head of the kingdoms guard. How did Rhealdoli become a princess without a royal birth? If her father was king, he wouldn't be the head of the guard and if her mom were queen, she wouldn't be doing all of the cooking and cleaning. IDK, that was really the only thing that confused me, otherwise I see a lot of promise in the story and would want to read more.

Deleted user

(Crap, I meant to edit that part! I'll get that fixed, thanks!)