forum I want some help to make this conversation flow better? (and maybe tips to make the character more believable)
Started by @Pepsi-spilled-on-the-pages

people_alt 61 followers


for context: The main character, Hector, was kidnapped by his friend Kenzo. They are relatively new friends but they had spent maybe a week living together. And I think the rest could be figured out from the talking.

“Stop being so… nice. You kidnapped me. You’re not supposed to be taking me on picnics and giving me medicine. You’re supposed to hit me and make me hate you. You were never supposed to take me back out here and- and make me remember that I liked you. I really did Kenzo! I liked you… I was just scared. I mean I’ve barely had a friend much less a b-boyfriend. So maybe I started to push you away. But then you kidnapped me! And everything I thought about you changed. I wanted to get away from you. I couldn’t look at you. Being in the same room as you would make my stomach turn. But then… after I accepted my fate, after I realized this is my life now, I realized that things could be worse. I could still be in the basement. You could be feeding me table scraps. You could have kept me in that chair. You could have killed me!”
“Hector, I’m only doing this because I care about you. Sure, I kidnapped you. But only because I want to keep you safe, I mean, what if you got attacked again. Or if your apartment got broken into again? I’m here to protect you Hector.”
“You say that. And I get what you mean. But normal people don’t do this! There is something wrong with you. But then moments later your being nice. And I just don’t know what to think anymore.”

@ZAVEN local_movies

I don't have much to say in terms of making things flow better, but in Hector's reply to what Kenzo said, you used your instead of you're. I'll definitely come back if I get ideas.


The only thing I can really think of is that usually people don't get to say as many sentences at once that these two characters do. Usually the other person will interject sooner, or more likely, each thought gets bounced off of what the other person said rather than naturally flowing in one long monologue. Sometimes monologues happen, but this convo doesn't strike me as really a time for monologues, especially since the guy who was kidnapped is probably flustered.

Also, is this the first time the reader or hector finds out that the person kidnapped them to protect them? Cuz I'm wondering if that reveal should feel like a bigger revelation rather than just a casual point of conversation. Not that this comes across as casual, but it does feel more laid back than what I would expect. I think letting the characters go back and forth more would help with that because then you can offer subtext in between lines, like "hector trembled as he spoke" or "he crossed his arms and looked agitated" or stuff like that.

Hope that helps!