Hello! ZAVEN here, I would like some feedback on the very beginning of my story. I've never been proficient in writing, and as much as I hate to say it, my English writing is probably better than my Japanese, though the bar is kind of low for that. Nevertheless, my English writing still isn't very good and feels lackluster, any advice?
The silence is more than painful. It claws into my flesh just to grab hold of my bones and shake. It caresses me slowly, but it's frigid to the touch. I suppress shivers, such a sign of weakness is no good right now. My eyes have been locked onto my roommate's for what feels like an hour; more realistically, it's probably been five minutes tops. I can see myself in him, his dark eyes reflect to me the sort of man I've become. I see my countenance carved in stone, partially intercepted by loose strands of my hair that have fallen away from the rest. If we were playing a game of poker, I certainly would be winning right now. But alas, we are not playing poker, we're playing a waiting game that neither of us have enough patience for. I distract myself from his eyes and stare into mine.
This is always what happens when Ruo and I disagree on something. 'Something' being my future; our future.
Thanks in advance! This is my first time asking publicly for advice on my writing, so please be gentle and kind.