forum Edit my crap please?
Started by @justapettySlytherin group
tune

people_alt 38 followers

@justapettySlytherin group

His eyes were cold and lifeless as he stared at her. “You have no idea who I am, do you?”
The lamp fell over and shattered against the floor, but neither noticed. “Not anymore.” was her cold reply, and backed against the wall, she slowly reached into her pocket where the comforting handle of the knife slipped into her hand. 
“It’s been three years!” He screamed, dragging his hand down his dry face. “Three years, Ella! Do you know what I’ve done in those three years? Locked away? Prepared for this moment!” He began to laugh but was interrupted by a coughing fit. 
Ella tried to slip past him, but he caught her arm with his cold, clammy hand. She struggled to break away from his grasp, but the undead man wouldn’t let go. The knife was still in her pocket if only she could reach it. She had to stall. Pressed against his side, she could feel the lump in his pocket that could only be a gun. A gun against a knife. She wasn’t going to make it. She was going to die. 
“Please,” Ella begged, tears forming in her eyes. “Whatever I’ve done to you, I’m sorry. There has to be another way! Please!” 
His eyes turned to her, trembling, and Ella thought she saw a hint of sympathy. He had to still be human. Whatever he had done three years ago hadn’t completely changed him. She took his moment of weakness to overpower him, and in seconds the knife had moved from her pocket to her hands. 
“I wish there was another way.” her voice shook as his eyes widened, and she plunged the knife into his heart. She had expected blood, a gasp, then death. Just how they all had gone before. 
Instead, the only thing she got was a smile. “I guess you didn’t get the full story, did you?” Reaching up he yanked the knife out of himself, not a spot of blood on the blade. He fixed his lifeless face on Ella and shrugged. “I wish there was another way, Ella. Let’s make a deal.” 
Ella stared in horror at the monster he had become. She hadn’t known the full story. This was worse than they had told her. Worse than she could ever have imagined. 
“No…” she barely whispered as he slowly advanced towards her. There was nowhere to run. She only wished she could warn the others what they were up against. “Why? Why would you do this to yourself?!” she screamed, and when the tears began to fall she made no effort to stop them. 
His cruel smile curled around his face, reminding Ella of the Cheshire Cat. “A deal can bring me back. I can be the same again.” He seemed to stare into space for a moment. “Wouldn’t that be nice..” he mused, stroking his fingers along the knife blade. “A deal, then?”
Ella looked at his lifeless eyes, his bony hands. There was no way to kill him. The world would burn and he would rule over the ashes. This had been his plan all along. 
“So? A small, simple deal?” His hand reached up to stroke her face, but she swatted it away. 
“What do you want, then?” she half screamed at him, hands curling into fists. “What do you want from me? What do I possibly have that you want? I HAVE NOTHING!” the reality of her words stung her. She had nothing. 
“A heart.” Ella froze at his words, her mouth dry like sandpaper. “I need a heart.” He was power hungry, immortal. A heart would make it possible to kill him, his plan of mass destruction would fall apart. He must have seen the downsides, but he showed no sign of concern. “Your heart. With it, I would not look like this. I would not be decaying slowly. I’m rotting Ella! Piece by piece! I’m not truly immortal. Not like this.”
Her heart lurched. Her mind raced miles per minute. He wasn’t immortal. There was a way to kill him. But it would take too long. Too long. They couldn’t wait for him to fall slowly apart. He could wipe out entire civilizations in that time.  “Ella. Sweet, innocent Ella. Look what all of this has done to you.” he chuckled, a cruel sound that made Ella’s blood turn icy. “The world has to start over. It’s not worth saving. Help me, Ella. You were always the most helpful of my daughters.” Her heart hardened at the word. Daughters. “If I remember correctly,” she spat through gritted teeth, “I’m the only daughter you have left. You killed the other three a long time ago.” His face remained a blank page.   “I regret nothing,” he said coolly, folding his hands. “Unlike you. You regret many things.” Ella’s gut snapped.“Do you want to know what I regret?” “Do tell.” the wrinkled man said with a bored expression sitting on his face.  His lack of interest fueled the explosion in Ella’s head. “I regret ever trusting you. I regret ever calling you father. I regret all those times we spent together, all those memories you created. I regret all the hugs I gave you. But most importantly-” she looked into his soulless eyes. “I regret ever telling you I loved you! I regret ever listening to your lies! I regret ever being called your daughter! I regret not killing you when I had the chance! I disown you! I will never again be called your daughter, your child. You will never again be called my father. I have disowned you, Parker.” she spat his name like a poison, then hatred took over. She lunged at him, her emotions like a fire. Her fingernails had barely scraped his papery face when his hands curled like handcuffs around her wrists.  When he spoke, his mouth close to her face, his words ringing in her ears.“Disown me then. It makes you much easier to kill, Eleanor.” He pulled out the gun from his pocket, and set it gently against her head. Ella felt no tears run down her face, no anger came, she was emotionless. Empty. She barely felt the cool metal barrel on her forehead. “Any last words, little Eleanor? Because I am going to need that heart.”  She felt one last surge of strength. “I hope you enjoy every last ounce of hatred it contains for you. I hope it tears you apart inside. Because you. Will. Lose.” He grinned, then hissed in her ear a few words of parting. “Too bad you won’t be there to see it.” One gunshot was the last Ella ever heard before the blinding light took over.

(I know it's not fantastic, but thanks for reading it anyways lol)

@Musical_Queen

I love it! It was probably my eyesight and my crap computer, but don't forget to indent or leave a space in between character lines like-

"Hi Cara, Matthew said, awkwardly waving, "How are you feeling?"

"Hey Matthew, a lot better actually, thanks," She said, returning the wave.

@Jazzywriter

It might be my computer, but the sentences are too clustered together. You need to have spaces between every a different character's dialogue. But the story was really good, it gave me chills. Hope you finish this up because I genuinely want to read it.

@justapettySlytherin group

Thank you for reading! On the real document I do have spaces and indents, but I couldn't figure out a way to do it on here that didn't involve retyping the whole thing and really I wasn't feeling that XD