forum Critiques?
Started by @Echo_6 group

people_alt 60 followers

@Echo_6 group

Smoke filled the air as the fires around him raged on. Ash and embers that landed on his skin were sweltering. Trees groaned and cried, falling to the gray covered ground. Crackling and popping. Yells, and screams. Metal on metal. Sword on shield. The tearing of cloth and flesh. It surrounded Tolkalee until it was drowning.
Rain and wind, slashed him to pieces.
White light.
All noise drowned out by the clap of thunder.
His heart pounded in his ears.
The shapes around him all blurred into one piece making it impossible to differentiate between what was what.
Panic lit like fire in his chest as what looked like a small moon hurled towards him.
Tolkalee ducked down only to be thrown violently to his side as the ground shook underneath him. Clumps of dirt and small remains of grass sprayed the air, pelting him in the face. His hair stuck to his forehead and cheeks under his helmet.
No time to react.
A blurred image came in clear as a sword swung down at him. He twisted, bringing his shield up to block the attack, then he clamored to his feet, turning to face his opponent again. Sword ready this time.
His chest heaved with the effort of breathing. They’d been going for too long. Sound becoming muffled and distant.
He didn’t remember a call to fall back. Before he knew it though, he was alone, facing an army.
Fear gripped him like a claw and he stumbled over himself trying to back up.
Stinging eyes raked the area searching for his own. He was alone.
No call to retreat had been given.
They were all dead.
Mangled, bloody corpses of his own and the enemies littered the ground. He stood up to his knees in mud.
A cold numbing feeling plumed outward through his body.
He was going to die here!
He had to get away. He made a promise!
Turning on his heel, Tolkalee raced through the ever thickening trees. His helmet now gone. He tore his chest plate and leg armor off as he ran, losing the extra weight. The only armor remaining were his arm guards.
Thunder clapped across the sky. Lightning outlined the ever darkening clouds. Water ran down his face, dripping in his eyes, and running down his neck.
The ground blew out next to him, the sky met him, and then everything was still. Tolkalee choked and gagged on blood and water that ran down his throat. He flopped to his side, and dragged his exhausted legs underneath him again.
Figures appeared around him, all seeming to attack at once. He dodged the first two swings. Blocked a third. Searing pain blew up and unfurled from his side and he twisted awkwardly to accommodate the swing of the sword as it nearly knocked him off his feet.
Clutching the now bleeding wound, he kicked the legs out from under one of his attackers and took off running again.
He pushed onward through the trees. He shook his head to clear the rain and blood from his eyes. Then he became weightless. Opening his eyes as he collided with the ground, and stared at the spinning dirt, trees, rocks and sky. Before he could stop, he lost all sight of the planet to the air leaving his lungs at the sudden and harsh cold that overtook him. He thrashed and struggled as he was spun around like a leaf. He’d fallen into the rapids of a river.
Air couldn’t reach his lungs, and he couldn’t tell up from down. He couldn’t see through the dark water. His lungs ached for air. All at once, his head broke the surface of the water and he took in a gasp of air.
Spinning through the murky waters, he only halted when he struck a ragged rock outcrop and clung to it with everything he had left. The rough rocks sliced his hands open as he dragged himself out of the frigid waters and up the mud-sand bank. Collapsing pitifully, face down, partly in a puddle. Devoid of any and all energy.

(This is only a small scene in a much longer doc that I have on here if you would like to read more of this it's called "The White Mare" but if you could just rip this scene to shreds for the time being I would greatly appreciate that. Please and Thank you!)

@RiverLily ac_unit

Wow. The emotions had me scanning this short paragraph as fast as I could to find out what was happening!
(pls don't take any offense! I really like your style!)
Several q's/crits:
~One thing–you add a tad too many descriptive-s. I would suggest not over doing it, as it doesn't really give too much information about WHAT is happening, WHO is doing what, and WHY. (I guess in the doc 'The White Mare' will have the info, but I have only this to go off). Is the reason there being so many descriptive-s in this part of the story because of the adrenaline coursing through his veins? Is he suddenly noticing things more than before? In the rest of the story are the descriptive-s as numerous? I would suggest not doing that. Don't get rid of the descriptive-s in this chapter if it's one of the only few with this many.
~Is this an intro to the story? Maybe introduce the character's name first. You can keep all the pronouns, but all we have to go off is 'oh, it's a guy. Cool.' What's his name?
~And the part where he's running, then fell into the river was a little vague, maybe go through it again to see if you could change something to make it make more sense or easier to understand (How did he become weightless? Why did he lose sight of the planet? Did he roll off a cliff/hill/embarkment?).
~What was making the explosions? Catapolts? Lightning bolts? Are Mages/Magic Wielders part of this story? (I noticed swords and armor–fantasy genre).

Other than that, you did a fantastic job! I see you never once used the same descriptive word a second time, (from what I noticed, I might have missed it) but I applaud you on that.
I especially like the details though, and it seems super interesting (I really want to know what the promise he made is now!)
Again, feel free to discard this if you don't agree/like some of the pointers

@Echo_6 group

Thank you so much!!!! This is actually so nice! I'm not the best at writing action scenes so all the feedback I can get my hands on I will take. So thank you very much.