forum Critique my rewriting of my first chapter
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tune
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Deleted user

The first day of 10th grade was a nightmare. At least, until the bus ride back home. I was sitting down, by myself, when this girl with vibrant red curly hair and sky blue eyes sat next to me.

"Hi," she said, sitting down next to me, "I'm Faith."
"'Ello Faith, I'm Allison," I said. She seemed nervous. She was crimson red in her cheeks.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"I… I… I have a crush on you and was wondering if you would go out with me?" I thought about it for a minute, then answered

"Meet me in the cafeteria, that'll be our first date," I replied calmly. This wasn't a rare occasion for someone to ask me out. Guys asked me out every day.

This, however, was the first time a girl asked me out before. We got to my stop. I got off the bus and went to my house. I lived in a small town in California named Edraw. I got inside and went upstairs. I jogged into my bedroom and flopped onto my white, fitted sheet bed, excited for the next day.

The next day, I ran out of the house because i overslept, but not by much. I rushed to the bus and got on. I sat down. It wasn't long before Faith got on. She sat down next to me. We got to school.

Later that day, Faith and I were on our little date in the cafeteria. It was loud and noisy. Everything was going great until two perverted football players who thought they owned this school showed up, trying to bother us. Lucien and Mark. Lucien had golden brown hair and Mark had black hair.

"Hey baby girl," Lucien said, "show us your tits!" Mark and Lucien started laughing.
"Fuck off," I said.
"Are you on a date with your widdle girlfriend?" Mark mocked. Faith was only 5 foot. We talked about our height, albeit other things, yesterday on the bus.
"Are you gonna try to get back with me again like you did yesterday? Because if so, the answer's still no." I was kinda getting angry. I was about to punch Mark in the face.
"Whatever. Like I would ask you out." Mark said to save face.
"I literally recorded the whole thing."
"Whatever, Falman." That was the tipping point for me.
I got up and punched Mark in the face so hard he broke his nose. Then I went behind him, and kneed his back, thereby breaking it. He laid on the floor, bleeding. I then put Lucien in a chokehold. All without breaking a sweat.

As for why I can do this, I am what is known as an Halman. An Halman is a half human, half Angel hybrid. Angels are really strong, so thats where i get my superstrength, along other things.
As for what Mark called me. He called me a Falman. That is basically the Halmanian verison of the n-word.

A teacher came along to see the situation. I told him what they said, with substantial proof. They didnt even get me detention.

However, that was then. This is now.

@Pickles group

Right off the bat,

  • no one gets asked out every day.
  • if you get into a fight like that at school, you're getting expelled. That is some of the most "and everyone clapped" bull I've ever heard
  • vary your sentence structure.
  • comparing your made up words to a very real, very offensive slur seems highly insensitive, especially with context that you're a fifteen year old white boy.
  • weird sexual stuff again? I thought it made you uncomfortable.

Deleted user

(I mean, it is kind of rude to ignore people for giving you what you asked for-)

Dude, i just saw this. Chill out man

Deleted user

u w u acknowledge my praise owo

Thanks for the praise! I do still need improvement though.

@Pickles group

(I mean, it is kind of rude to ignore people for giving you what you asked for-)

Dude, i just saw this. Chill out man

Yeah I mean it's not like you've been online almost every day since or something silly like that

Deleted user

(I mean, it is kind of rude to ignore people for giving you what you asked for-)

Dude, i just saw this. Chill out man

Yeah I mean it's not like you've been online almost every day since or something silly like that

Listen, praise is good and all, but I didn't come here for just praise. I just came here for an fair critique of my chapter

@Pickles group

(I mean, it is kind of rude to ignore people for giving you what you asked for-)

Dude, i just saw this. Chill out man

Yeah I mean it's not like you've been online almost every day since or something silly like that

Listen, praise is good and all, but I didn't come here for just praise. I just came here for an fair critique of my chapter

Did you miss everything I posted? I don't give a shit about Sock and their uwus.

Deleted user

(I mean, it is kind of rude to ignore people for giving you what you asked for-)

Dude, i just saw this. Chill out man

Yeah I mean it's not like you've been online almost every day since or something silly like that

Listen, praise is good and all, but I didn't come here for just praise. I just came here for an fair critique of my chapter

Did you miss everything I posted? I don't give a shit about Sock and their uwus.

I didn't miss it, i just am trying to find motivation to write again
(I know you also dont give a fuck about that, but still)