forum Critique my first chapter?
Started by @kiley_arrants Premium Supporter
tune

people_alt 48 followers

@kiley_arrants Premium Supporter

Kenna sat perched on the side of a crumbling rooftop, the sun cooking her backside as she scanned the overly crowded street for the girl with the white hair. Eira, Will said her name was. She was to trail her until she saw an opening to talk to her, then get the girl to attend the ball tomorrow at the palace.
Easy enough, or at least it should have been. Kenna lost the girl a ways back. Ecra had just won the war with Vethea, and it seemed all the troops had been shipped home, making the streets extra crowded, and had started stocking up on supplies for the following festivities that would last for three days, at least. They were to start tomorrow with a speech from The Royal Pain In My Ass herself, Adeline. These next few days would be a drunken mess for most, taverns full and streets alive with music. A few people had seemed to get an early start on these traditions, it seemed. Some were making offerings to Diona, the Goddess of festivals and time, and others were swigging large amounts of Ale and puking in the gutters. It went both ways.
It shouldn’t be so hard to find the girl, as her hair is an almost holy color of white, but she had somehow been swept and hidden by the ocean of people making their way into different shops and taverns that lined the street and- there. Kenna spotted Eira making her way into Devil’s Tavern. Kenna grimaced at the girl’s choice but followed through with her task and scaled-down the other side of the near crumbling building. She dropped into the dank alley, the stench of human waste and garbage seemed to cling to the air. She made her way out of there as quickly as she could and elbowed her way through the crowds into the shittiest tavern in Velaris.
The minute she walked through the door the stench of vomit and unclean bodies hit her like a wave. She felt the urge to vomit, but that would only add to the stench, so she kept her composure and subtly made her way over to where Eira was sitting and took up the empty barstool next to her. The floor was covered with shavings, wet either from Ale, which is what she hoped it was, or urine. It was most likely the latter, as the people that often attended this tavern couldn’t afford to spill their alcohol. But one could only hope.
Courtesans stood near the back of the tavern where a few rooms were carved out and closed off with a curtain. They were dressed in little clothes, and a few wandered over to a table of men waiting for someone to take them up on their services.
Even farther to the back of the tavern, Kenna could hear the excited shouts of people bidding on the pit fighters. Her whole body ached to join in. It was always a rush, the people who wouldn’t bet on her because of her size, getting proved wrong when she kicked some six-three man on his ass. She loved it, in a twisted kind of way. But she wasn’t here for that today, she reminded herself, and regained her composure.
A bored-looking barmaid came to take her order but went stiff at the sight of Kenna. Recognition flared in her body language, but thankfully she kept her mouth shut. Kenna ordered a glass of Ale then dropped two gold coins on the counter, one for the drink and one for the woman to keep quiet.
Kenna turned to Eira. “You from here or visiting.” Eira turned, seeming to have just realized Kenna’s presence.
“Visiting, you?” Eira kept her eyes on Kenna, taking in every detail of her. Deciding if she was a threat or not. It looked as if she decided Kenna was safe and gave her a small half-smile.
“I’m from here. It’s usually not this busy, but with all the celebrations coming up, people are in a rush to buy.” Eira nodded and the barmaid slid Kenna’s drink across the bartop. “Where are you from?” She was just a nice girl in a bar, making a friend was what she had to remind herself to keep a sincere tone.
“Briars. I came in for the celebrations.”
“Alone?” She nodded again. Kenna already knew all this, but she needed to somehow get to the topic of the ball tomorrow. “You know,” she started, “the ball tomorrow is a good place to meet lots of eligible young men.” Eira nearly choked on her drink. Maybe that was a bit forward. “That is, if you’re looking, of course.”
Eira ignored Kenna’s remark and instead responded with, “I thought it was invitation only.” Eira looked her up and down and Kenna bit back the urge to come back with a retort. She had to stay nice. Stay nice.
“Everyone is invited as long as you meet the dress code and can pay the entrance fee,” Kenna explained, then felt the need to add, “I live in the palace, so I will be there.”
“You live in the palace?” Kenna nodded. “My apologies. I just thought Adeline kept her court a little more…” She scanned her over one last time, “well kept.” Kenna had to physically grip the edge of her seat to keep from unsheathing her dagger and dragging it right down Eira’s cheek.
Instead, she gave a stiff laugh and took a long drink of Ale. “I did not have the time to properly dress myself this morning, Adeline would have a fit if she saw me like this.” Eira laughed. “I have to leave, but you will be at the ball tomorrow?”
“Sure, I don’t have other plans.”
“Great,” Kenna grinned, though she felt it looked like more of a baring of teeth than a smile. “If you have any trouble getting in just call for Ms. Easton, I’ll get you through the guards.” Eira nodded and Kenna downed the last of her drink then made a swift exit, not giving herself time to blow her cover.
Kenna had never been so offended. To imply that she was anything less than perfection was devastating, but thank whatever gods looked over her that she didn’t pounce on the girl.
She turned the corner, still raging, when the sound of a folk song stopped her. She recognized it from when she was a child, a song her cousins used to sing around the fire as they danced to the tune. About a soldier, a poet and a king. Kenna felt the wave of longing drag her under as she stood slack, watching the children in flowing dresses holding hands and dancing in circles as the band played in the middle of the road. Flower crowns adorned some of the children’s heads, others had ribbons braided into their hair, but they were all laughing and smiling and singing barefoot as their parents watched from a short distance, smiling as well.
Memories of late nights in the forest came crushing her, fracturing her, the very things she had pushed so far down started to ressurge, yet she couldn’t tear her eyes away from the children.
An older child started showing the younger kids different actions to go with the song as they giggled and tried their best to mirror him. Kenna turned away, she hadn’t realized she started crying.
She wiped her tears and went the other, longer way to the palace.
When she arrived, Will was still pacing and waiting for answers. Kenna flung herself down on an empty chair in Karan’s bedroom.
“Well?” Tanith asked. She was the first one to speak up. Kenna sighed.
“She is utterly insufferable and has a terrible attitude.” Verena looked up from the book she was reading.
“I see it went well.”
“She insulted me!” Kenna exclaimed in absolute rage. “Three times!” Karan gave a soft chuckle and Kenna shot him a glare. “She said,” she made her voice higher pitched and mocking, “I thought Adeline kept her court better kept.” Tanith laughed and Kenna threw her dagger at her head, missing purposefully and letting it embedded itself in Karan’s bookshelf.
“Let us not get aggressive.” Acyn pulled the dagger out of the bookshelf. Kenna held out her hand, asking for it back, but Acyn held on to it. Tanith hadn’t so much as flinched.
“Maybe all those years in Briars impaired her vision. I am absolutely stunning.”
“You could use a bath,” Caspian said, and Kenna turned her death glare to him. “I’m kidding.”
“Is she coming tomorrow?” Will asked, urging them to get on with the important stuff. As if Kenna’s feelings weren’t important.
“Right. Information. She said she is visiting from Briars but I’m not certain how true that is. She said she will come to the ball tomorrow after she verbally assaulted me, and that was all the important information I gained.”
“What did she look like?” Will asked again. He was chewing his thumbnail and Kenna couldn’t help but have sympathy for him.
“Bright blue eyes. Her nose was crooked as if it had been broken and never set right. Bright white hair, there was a scar across her neck and on her wrists from a dagger. She showed no hints of her magic and did nothing to hide her identity. It is like she wants to be found.” Will started pacing again. Kenna knew his nerves wouldn’t calm until he saw his sister at the ball tomorrow. “Will.” He stopped his pacing to look at her. “It will be okay.” He didn’t respond.
“Go bathe and then join us for dinner. Adeline has asked us to eat at the table tonight. Wear your best,” Verena instructed, glancing once at Kenna’s worn tunic and loose trousers paired with knee-high leather boots.
“Oh, so now you’re going to insult me too.” Kenna threw her hands up with mock rage.
“Go.” Verena pointed to the door. Kenna sighed and got up and flipped them all a rather obscene gesture. Verena threw her book at Kenna, who slammed the door shut before it could hit her. She made her way down the hall to her own room, which was bigger than Karan’s due to her specific request. Yet, it was a lot dirtier. She had also requested the palace servants stay out of her room.
Kenna took one look at herself in the mirror and recoiled. Her hair was matted, even in its braid. Dirt smudged her cheek and her clothes. To top it all off, the stench of the tavern seemed to have grabbed hold of her and followed her back to the palace.
Maybe Eira did have a point. Kenna drew herself a bath and grabbed her favorite scent, vanilla-citrus, and about flooded the bathwater with it. She grabbed the soap to wash her hair and the other soap, for her body, and sunk into the tub.
Her muscles instantly relaxed in the hot water. She had not realized how tired she was until now. If she didn’t need to be at dinner in two hours she would have just taken a nap. She had not slept in two days now, the first night she had spent wandering the streets and sewers, looking for another underground market. She hadn’t seen one in about a year, and had spent until dawn searching all the possible places for the market to be, but came out empty-handed. She had no time to sleep during the day, as Adeline had put her into meetings. The price she had to pay to live in the palace. The next night, Verena had sent her out to the forest to meet with a possible ally, who turned out to just be some bastard born, crazy old man. Kenna had a slight suspicion he was taking some kind of mind-altering substance. But he definitely wasn’t a Fae warrior from Endora, as he had claimed. Kenna had suspected as much before even meeting the man, but Verena wanted to be sure. And she didn’t get to sleep today because she had spent the whole goddamn thing wandering through alleys and crowded streets with the stench of what seemed to be hundreds of bodies surrounding her at all times, all so she could have a ten-minute conversation with a white-haired bitch and learn just about nothing about her.
It may be the sleep deprivation or it may be the fact she was still reeling over Eira’s words, but Kenna was beyond pissed that she could not just go to bed. If there was no reason to rally against Adeline, if she didn’t damn hundreds of innocent people to the life of slavery every week, Kenna would start a rebellion just because Adeline was making her go eat dinner with the other members of her royal court and socialize and sit there for two hours talking about how lovely the food is and how excited she is for the ball tomorrow and ‘oh how absolutely gorgeous the decorations are, Adeline. Did you set them up yourself?’
Kenna almost reached for one of her weapons, now discarded among the bathroom floor along with her clothes, and plunged it through her chest just at the thought of pretending to be transfixed with the way they polished the chandelier that evening. She hated royal dinners.
When Kenna was convinced she finally smelled good and all the dirt was gone, she stepped out of her bath and dried herself with a towel before going through her wardrobe. She debated calling for Marleen, her personal maid she had taken to calling her, as servant seemed so demeaning. Which, it was. Marleen had been brought into slavery when she was young, she had told Kenna the story, and Kenna couldn’t help but shudder at the pain and fear she had gone through.
She decided on a light green gown that hugged her waist. It was sleeveless but had a collar that held this cloak-like, thin thing of fabric that covered her biceps forearms and back, leaving her shoulders exposed. The gown reached the floor, covering her feet. It was tied with the same color of green silk fabric but held with a golden buckle that added a flare to the silk dress.
Kenna had only worn it once. Her exposed shoulders showed the scars she had earned over the years, the ones that had come from extreme pain. Kenna turned in the mirror and traced the ragged line down her shoulder to where it disappeared into her dress.
Though others might try to hide their marks, Kenna was not ashamed of her scars. They were proof of what she had overcome and who she was. She wore her scars as if they were the finest jewelry in all of Ecra.
The green of her dress contrasted well with her olive skin tone. She brushed out her hair, which cascaded past her shoulders in golden waves. She parted it, then took two side pieces of her hair and began to braid them back until the two braids met in the back of her head. At sixteen, she was still maturing and had not yet developed fully yet, but her facial features seemed to be set off by the way her hair framed her face, making her look older, deadlier. She was all sharp angles and hard features, whereas Angel, her younger brother’s face, was made up of softer features. Downset brown eyes and curly black hair.
As if just thinking about him made him appear, Angel Easton rushed into Kenna’s bedroom, followed by Ilaria Cantrell hot on his heels.
“Yes?” Kenna asked, turning from the mirror to face the two young children standing in front of her.
“I can’t find my jacket,” Angel explained. He had a panicked look on his face. “We have twenty minutes until dinner.”
That set Kenna into action. She started rummaging through her wardrobe, looking for one of Angel’s old jackets as they didn’t have time to search through his. She finally found an old, emerald green jacket with gold cufflinks and quickly helped Angel put it on, then dusted off the cufflinks and shoved him out of the room.
“Go straight to the dining room, if I’m late, tell Adeline I had problems finding a dress but I’ll be down shortly,” Angel nodded and Ilaria grabbed his hand and the skirt of her gown in the other and dragged him behind her as she made a deadbolt down the hallway.
Kenna finished pinning her hair back, found a pair of gold shoes, and slipped them on her feet. They were incredibly uncomfortable, but she didn’t have time to find a better pair. She took in her appearance one last time, then walked as fast as she could in her heeled slippers.
She was the last one to arrive, and she would have been more embarrassed if she hadn’t made the strict rule of never cowering in front of Adeline. For anything. With perfect posture and a jutted chin, Kenna took her seat next to Karan, who shot her a quick smile. She didn’t respond.
“Now that everyone has joined us,” Adeline said, making it a point to look to Kenna, “let us begin.” As if that was the cue, a hoard of servants came bustling out of the kitchen, each holding different trays and pitchers.
Roasted Duck was delicately placed onto her glass plate. It smelled amazing, and her stomach sounded in agreement. She hadn’t realized she was so hungry until now. When was the last time she had eaten?
She tried to remember, counting back the hours as everyone else got served. No one was to eat before Adeline, and Adeline never ate until everyone was served. So they all waited as the servent poured Adeline’s wine, and then Adeline stood, holding her glass, ready to give a toast.
Everyone stood with her, and it was all Kenna could do to hold back her groan. She just wanted to eat.
“In honor of the coming festivities…” Kenna stopped listening, she instead turned her attention to the dining room’s ceiling. Verena had said this palace had been built centuries ago, and only a few updates had been made. From the looks of it, the ceiling had been painted around the same time the palace had been built.
It was beautiful and had to have taken incredible talent. A scene of a forest was sprawled across the entire ceiling, the trees shadowed in a deep green color, the sky painted black with silver stars adorning it. It seemed as if teardrops from the gods themselves had been sprinkled onto the backdrop. A variety of different animals were spread across the forest grounds, stags and other scampering creatures peaked out of tree branches and trunks. In front of it all stood Damon Johnson, the first King of Ecra who was worshipped as if he was a god himself here, painted in great detail. Beside him stood his wife Jessamine Cardell, the first Queen of Ecra and Princess of Sansora. What was once considered a great alliance, now shattered beneath Adeline’s armada and armies. The first king and queen stood with their hands interlocked. A small crack in the ceiling splintered right down the middle of the painting, right in between the king and queen, leaving Queen Jessamine on the left side and King Damon on the right. Kenna snorted at the sheer drama of it.
Suddenly everyone was sitting back down and Kenna realized she had missed the entire speech and hadn’t said anything while everyone else toasted. Stupid. She was sure to get some kind of whipping for that, whether it happened with a real whip or with a lashing of harsh words would depend upon Adeline’s mood.
Everyone began to feast, and Karan took the opportunity to elbow Kenna. “Are you feeling well?” He asked her, scanning her face. She nodded. “Your mind seems to be elsewhere.”
“Forgive me if I find Adeline’s speeches a bit…” She lowered her voice, “boring.” Karan gave a soft laugh at her tone.
“How about we all go into the forest tonight,” Karan offered, his eyes flared with mischief. Kenna’s entire like outlook changed at the prospect of a night under the stars with a fire, worry-free. “For bonding.” Team building was the only way Verena would let any of them miss a night of sleep, that or sending them on back to back errands for two days. Team building came to be because Tanith, Will, Caspian, Acyn, Karan, and Kenna, or Ecra’s Promised as Verena liked to call them, had all been at each other’s throats for weeks when they had all come together for the first time. They had each come from some version of a horrible, death ridden situation and were each fighting for Verena’s approval for leadership. They had all wanted the top spot, though it turned out there was no top spot, for themselves, which made them hate each other. Verena would send them into the woods, alone, which now thinking about it was probably really stupid considering three out of the six were trained assassins. But they would be sent to the woods for a night each week until they managed to like and trust each other. It worked, surprisingly, and now they just used it as a bullshit excuse to get out of the palace for a full night.
“Yes, we could all use some bonding, or else I might just rip everyone’s faces off.” Karan chuckled and went back to his meal, digging in and leaving Kenna with her thoughts.
Or with Verena, who glared at her from across the table. Kenna tilted her head and gave her a terrifyingly innocent smile. She just rolled her eyes and turned her burning glare to some Lord on the opposing end of the table.
Kenna cut into the duck on her plate and somehow managed to remember her manners as she took dainty, little bites of the most delicious food she had ever placed inside her mouth. Maybe it was the hunger talking, but it tasted spectacular. Adeline may be insufferable, but at least she knew how to dine well. Kenna let her mind start to wander, thinking of how wonderful the food would be for the next few days as Adeline brought out her finest cooks to make meals for almost the entire kingdom. Her mouth watered at the thought of stuffing ordures into her mouth at the ball tomorrow. She would send in a personal request to the cooks to bring out more chocolate for the festivities. Everything could use a bit more chocolate.
Angel, seated on Kenna’s right, poked her arm. She turned her head to glance at her brother who said, “Can I come to bonding?” Kenna smiled.
“Of course you can.” She kissed the top of his head.
The sun had faded and the sky had started to bleed red and orange as Kenna wrapped her cloak around herself and strapped her sword to her back. Angel slid a small dagger into the waistband of his pants and Kenna helped him put on his dark blue cloak, which had been a birthday gift from Tanith.
“Will there be a fire?” Kenna laughed.
“Of course, we wouldn’t want to freeze, would we?” Angel shook his head.
“Will there be stories?”
“I’m sure I can come up with one.” She outstretched her hand for Angel to take, which he did, and together they made their way to the foyer, where everyone else was already waiting.
“You got the okay?” She asked Karan, who nodded. Kenna beamed as the group stepped out the palace doors and marched out of the gates, then strolled down the hill and veered left, into an open space of grass. The trees of the forest loomed in the near distance. The way they towered over Kenna made her feel both small and excited as if the lumber were a challenger just waiting to be battled.
Ilaria and Angel had made their way ahead of their elders, walking with their arms hooked together, into the forest. Looking for all the world like children right out of one of her stories. One of her mother’s stories. Ilaria’s flaming red hair was a stark contrast against Angel’s dark curls.
“He wants a story,” Kenna said to Will, who was walking beside her. “Should I tell it or should you?” Will turned to her, the trace of a smile on his lips, as it always was.
“You’ve always had a flair for storytelling.” He was right. Kenna would get invested into the stories she would tell, it would make her feel in control. Whatever she decided would be what would happen, there were no plans that could go wrong unless she made them. It was freeing.
“I guess it’s me then,” Kenna grinned. Oh, how she loved the forest. She always had ever since she was a child. Those few moments of childhood, however sparse, always took place in the forest.
The grass was a vibrant green color, and the sky was just starting to darken, the sunset fading and the first stars coming out from hiding. The chirping of night insects began like a symphony, birds called as they settled in their nests for the night. She could hear the brook, babbling its words of wisdom to the water bugs and animals, and any that would lend a skilled ear. The smell of pine-trees, sap, and crisp night air washed over her. Kenna took a deep breath, savoring the scent. So different from the Devil’s Tavern, from the palace. So much better. The trees nearly covered up the sky, but every couple feet there would be a break from the towering branches and leaves and the stars would come out, a thousand tiny diamonds stuck to a black canvas. The god’s tears, her mother would call them. If the gods cried, Kenna felt stars would be the only appropriate way for those tears to look.
The trees spread out for miles and miles, Kenna wished she could run through every inch of the forest with nothing but her hair flowing behind her, but she would get lost too quickly.
Karan found a place flat enough and empty enough for them to sit comfortably on the ground. Tanith and Kenna started to gather sticks for the fire as Ilaria and Angel looked for rocks to build a pit.
“What was your excuse for bonding time?” Kenna asked Tanith as she bent to pick up three large sticks.
“Karan said I had developed anger towards Caspian and it needed to be resolved in a place surrounded by trees.” Kenna snorted. Karan was a terrible liar, but by some miracle, it had worked.
“I wonder if she believed it or was just too pissed at me to care.” Tanith smiled, adding another stick to the armful she already carried.
“I will bet you two gold coins she knows it’s bullshit and will bring it up tomorrow during training.” Tanith smiled as Kenna contemplated her response.
“Deal.” She looked at Tanith’s full hands. “We can shake on it later.” They both agreed and made their way back to the others, where Angel and Ilaria had already assembled the pit.
Kenna and Tanith dumped their pile of sticks into it and waited for Caspian to start the fire. Which would probably take a while, as it always did. It was one of the first arguments they had had when they were out here for actual bonding. Caspian was the only one who knew how to do it, but it took him an eternity to get it going, and a fourteen-year-old shivering Kenna was not in a good mood that night as the cold winds chilled her down to her bones.
The memory made her smile as she took a seat on the ground and laid on her back, watching the stars twinkling above, and stuck her tongue out at the sky. Just in case her mother’s gods were watching.

Caspian had managed to get the fire built quicker than usual, and now they all sat around the dancing flames as Kenna sucked them all into her new world, a new story. Karan watched in awe, as he always did, as Kenna danced around the flame telling them the story of a princess made of fire who had burned her own city to the ground and a young girl, who had to help the remorseful princess build it up again.
And watched, in a daze as the fire seemed to follow Kenna. It’s golden tendrils leaping for her skin as if it was pulled, drawn to her. Kenna did not flinch as the flame followed her as she circled the pit, nor did not question the fire that seemed enslaved, entranced by her every movement. And just for a moment, Kenna and the flame became one.
Long after the fire had been put out and Kenna was sound asleep on her back, the stars gazing upon her, the image still haunted him: The girl who danced among the flames and the flames who danced with the girl.