forum Critique My First Chapter
Started by @tiredandconfused group
tune

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@tiredandconfused group

I've been working on this book for a year now and have finally gotten my first chapter to a place where I'm comfortable sharing. It's a fantasy novel about an immortal lesbian mage who goes on a quest to make up for her past mistakes. Your first impressions of the characters, specifically Yllmadaya and Reid since they're the major characters, and critique on the pacing, which I have the feeling is too fast but need a second opinion on, would be the most helpful. I don't care too much about grammar or prose, as I'm mostly focusing on editing the plot right now, but if there is a consistent problem it would be great if you could point it out. Thank you!

@tiredandconfused group

Chapter 1
The Mage’s Den

After two hundred years of practice, potion making came like an instinct to Yllmadaya. She knew the exact amount of each herb, the time the potion should bubble, the heat of the fire. All to make the perfect concoction, exactly as potent as she needed it to be. The potion she was working on, a simple poison that would bring a person down with a strong fever, gave off a faint green glow. The only other lights in the room were the few lanterns and the fire that roared beneath the cauldron, she often preferred to work in darkness. The walls were crammed with bookshelves, most Yllmadaya’s own notes from over the years. The room smelled thickly of herbs, many of which were found on counters around the rooms in jars or hung from the ceiling. Other strange ingredients were kept in jars as well, animal parts and crushed minerals amongst them. Nearby was a stairway up to the led to the second floor and a doorway that led out to the front room.
With a final turn of her ladle, Yllmadaya knew the potion was the exact shade of deep green it was supposed to be. She picked up one of the ornate glass bottles on the nearby table and started scooping the finished poison into it. She continued the action until she had depleted her cauldron and filled up all of the bottles.
Picking up all the bottles, Yllmadaya made her way up to the doorway, pushing open the sheer fabric curtain and pulling up her long dark dress to carefully step over the trip wire she’d placed between the back room and front room of her shop. She’d had enough experiences with nosy customers that she had learned how to make a simple trap to keep them out.
In the front room of Yllmadaya’s home was her potion shop, The Enchantress’ Den. Yllmadaya always liked to keep shop dark, she thought it added to the mystique. The windows were shuttered and covered with thick curtains, the only light coming from the lanterns around the room and the few potions that gave off a dim glow. It both gave Yllmadaya’s customers a sense of privacy and put them on edge so they’d get out of her shop quickly. The walls were lined with potions, reaching the top of the ceilings and so tall Yllmadaya had installed a ladder. Amongst the shelves Yllmadaya had added her own decor, a few books on magic and trinkets she had picked up. The walls hung with totems, paintings, and magic items, which she had all handpicked to add to the eeriness of the room. There was a long counter that Yllmadaya spent most of her time at, watching over her shop and dealing with customers. The place had formerly been a home of an antisocial hunter who had moved out to the Varlain Woods to make his travel between the forest and the neighboring town of Varloe easier. He eventually disappeared in the woods he called home. When Yllmadaya moved in about a century ago, she immediately took a liking to the place, not too far and not too close to Varloe. And she didn’t mind the morbid backstory of the building, she doubted the woods could do any harm to her.
Yllmadaya settled the poisons she’d just finished on one of the nearest shelves. She sold all kinds of potions, from ones that healed to those that had ill effects, she had a wide range of customers. The potions were all in a variety of glasses, mismatched bottles she’d collected over the years, and all seemed to have their own colors and consistencies. She’d labelled them all, more for the customer’s sake, as she could easily identify the type of potion on her own.
Yllmadaya was about to return to the back room before she heard the sound of clattering. She’d hung up some wind chimes made of animal bone above the outside of her front door, every time someone entered or exited the bones would gently click against each other.
“Good morning,” a familiar voice called out. The door started to open, revealing two figures.
Yllmadaya had to hold back a grimace as she realized she recognized them. Still, she took a moment to make her way behind the counter and smooth out her dress, always wanting to look her best around others. “Yes, come in.”
Yllmadaya was always quite proud of her appearance, having a tall and angular body, with pale skin and sleek light blonde hair. Although a bit into her second century, she looked like she couldn’t be any older than forty. She wore fine gold jewelry that stood out bright against her elegant black and blue dress, covered in a cloak made of the finest material and fitted to her form. But the thing that set her apart the most from others was she didn’t seem entirely human, the pupils of her eyes were a bit thinner than they should be and the tips of her fingers faded into a deep blue, her dark nails so long they resembled claws.
The two people entered the shop, barely giving a glance at Yllmadaya’s immaculate appearance. The first was a small reedy woman, Liwyl, a few fly aways always escaping her pulled back hair. She wore simple clothing and her skin was tanned from working in the fields of her family farm. As she moved up to the counter, she dropped the empty potion bottles onto the surface to return to Yllmadaya after having finished them. Behind her ambled her husband, Sailo, already a tall man but even taller in comparison to his wife, dirty blonde hair and beard thick and curly. While Liwyl moved up to the counter, Sailo stood off to the side, standing stiffly and scanning the potions along the shelved walls.
“What do you need?” Yllmadaya asked, hoping the exchange would go over quickly.
Liwyl drooped her head put on a somber voice. “Lady Yllmadaya, I know you are not one for kindness, but I was wondering if just once you could spare me a favor.”
“It really depends on how much you pay me.”
Liwyl made a miffed face but quickly replaced it with the solemn expression again. “My poor father’s sick. We don’t know if he’ll be able to get better in time.”
“I have a few potions. What are his symptoms?” Yllmadaya asked.
“He’s practically on the verge of death. We’ve tried every cure out there, magical or material. I don’t think just any normal potion can help him. I’d need something really special.”
Yllmadaya sneered, tired of Liwyl’s dramatics. “I’m not giving you the secret to my immortality and I advise you stop asking. And your father’s quite old, if he really is sick, then it’s time for him to go.”
“You can’t say that! He’s just a poor old man!” Liwyl exclaimed.
“Do you want your usual order or not?”
Liwyl grit her teeth and gave up the act. “Yes.”
Yllmadaya turned to the shelf behind the counter, searching for the potions that she knew Liwyl to always order. A potion for Sailo’s back pain, another that Liwyl put in the feed of her livestock to make them grow stronger, and a poison that Liwyl put in the water stream of a rival farm’s to kill their crops.
Yllmadaya easily found the first potion. The other ones were more difficult to get to, she pulled over the ladder settled by the left side of the shelf. As she got onto the first rung, she realized that Sailo was starting to stray over to one of the back walls of potions. Sailo was always a quiet man, he usually stood towards the back while Liwyl made the purchases. Yllmadaya never knew what to think about the man, she knew so little about him.
“Do you want to hear the going ons in Varloe?” Liwyl asked, drawing Yllmadaya’s attention away from Sailo. Liwyl’s somber facade from before had completely disappeared, replaced by her usual chipper attitude.
“No.” Yllmadaya didn’t care much for the petty drama in Varloe unless she could find a way to exploit it for her own entertainment.
“Oh but I have some real good information today! And there’s something about you.”
Yllmadaya considered it for a moment. She did like to hear what Varloe thought of her. It was easier to terrify the villagers by playing up the rumors about collecting human bones or putting curses on the newborn babies. “Alright. But be quick.”
“Did you hear what they’re saying about Headman Esare?”
“No.”
“They say he’s having an affair!” Liwyl’s excitement more than made up for Yllmadaya’s disinterest.
“I do not care about what Headman Esare does. If you’re going to force me to listen, say something interesting.”
Liwyl paused, seeming to think it over. “Heimaln Rosic’s still been off cohorting with coven mages! Disgusting, he seems to have more in common with coven mages than the family he came from. His mother was raging about it last week, but it seems that she’s forgotten now.”
Most Bythsans didn’t seem to be fond of coven mages and Yllmadaya, for once, couldn’t agree more. All a coven did was put a bunch of ruthless, power hungry mages in a tight packed group and see if their competition would fuel them to make some new breakthroughs in magical research. It didn’t help that the current king of Bythse, Albyr, was often sponsoring covens, giving the mages as much support as they needed to be fools and excuse any unjust actions they committed.
Yllmadaya frowned, still disinterested in Liwyl’s gossip as she plucked up the second potion. “Yes, I already know about that. What’s the news that involves me?”
“Oh, yes! There’s a visitor from the south looking for you,” Liwyl said.
Yllmadaya’s heart started speeding up and she spun back to face Liwyl, the ladder shaking a bit. She nearly slipped and took a moment to regain her balance and tighten her grip on the potion bottles before speaking again. “Is it a woman named Kydrei Nol? Dark skin, round figure, long black hair in a braid?”
Liwyl frowned, not seeming to recognize the name or description. “No. It’s a boy, nearing adulthood. I think he said his name was Wren or Redd or something. He’s rather lanky, kind of nervous looking with big hair and big eyes.”
Yllmadaya’s hope was quickly extinguished, not knowing the boy Liwyl spoke of. It wasn’t uncommon for visitors to look for her, she had gotten a bit of notoriety among the neighboring villages. However, none of those visitors were Kydrei, no matter how much Yllmadaya wished for them to be. “Did he say why he’s looking for me?”
“I haven’t heard a lot. He said something about his sibling, I believe.”
“Huh,” Yllmadaya was about to grab the last potion off the shelf, before she caught Sailo snooping closer to the shop’s backroom in the corner of her eye. Although he was trying to be subtle, he was a huge man and hard not to notice. Liwyl must have been trying to distract her so Sailo could poke around. Yllmadaya turned back to the shelf, unconcerned. She knew the moment he crossed the threshold to her backroom the trip wire would snag. She instead took the last potion, the poison, off her shelf, and climbed back down the ladder. Once she’d turned back to Liwyl and placed the bottles on the counter, she heard the telltale snag of wire and Sailo’s screaming that had meant her trap had gone off. Yllmadaya turned to see Sailo trip and stumble into the curtain, head and arms drenched in potion. His hands had been moved up to protect his face, but as he tried to bring them back down to his side, they only spasmed a bit and ultimately stayed frozen. He tried to scream in horror but unable to move his mouth, it came out muffled.
Liwyl’s attentioned snapped away from the potions to her husband, her face morphing into horror. “Oh my goodness, dear! What happened to you?”
“He’s fine. It’s a precautionary measure I put in for thieves. It won’t hurt him,” Yllmadaya explained. “His hands and face will just be paralyzed for the next few days. By the second or third day his motor functions should begin returning.” She smiled at Liwyl, who gave her a horrified look in return. “The potions cost ten eindars.”
“I’m not paying for this evil magic after you- after you did that to my husband!” Liwyl pointed at Sailo, who still had movement below his hips and was shuffling back over to his wife. “In fact, they’re overpriced evil potions! I could buy a batch of new hatchlings for my farm rather than spend my money on this!”
“I didn’t spill the potion on your husband. He did it to himself by sticking his nose where it shouldn’t be. And I don’t think you’ll just be leaving without my potions, you’re quite dependent on them at this point. Now hurry up and give me my money before I start raising the price, as I rightfully should.”
Liwyl seethed but shoved her hand into a pouch and pulled out the coins, slamming them down on the counter. “You are a horrible woman.” She took Sailo by the arm, having to reach up a bit to where it was frozen. “Oh you poor thing. We’ll give you some time to rest today,” she muttered as she guided Sailo to the door.
“If you two want to continue buying from my shop, you better get your act together!” Yllmadaya snapped as Liwyl opened the door. “I don’t take kindly to liars and thieves!”
Liwyl sent one last pointed glare at Yllmadaya before shutting the door, the chimes clanging together. Yllmadaya breathed a relieved sigh once the couple was out of sight.
She turned to the trip wire that had been set off. She wasn’t the most learned in mechanics, but having years to herself she’d been able to learn a simple trap that kept people from poking around places she didn’t want them. All it was was a bit of wire that when tugged would tip over a basin of potion. Yllmadaya summoned eliki, the magical energy from within her, which came out as a faint glowing white light. She used it to clean up the potion that stained her wood floor, able to siphon the liquid out from the wooden planks, and easily reset the trap.
Usually, customers didn’t come very frequently, so Yllmadaya was about to go back to her back room and continue potion making, when she heard the clattering of the chimes again. She moved back to her counter, casting an eye at the door as it swung open.
A face poked in first. It was a teenage boy’s, thin and spotted with acne. He had medium brown skin and curly hair that wasn’t that many shades darker, so thick it looked like a cloud around his head and long enough that it barely brushed against his shoulders. His big eyes looked over the shop before finally settling on Yllmadaya, his face going pale and eyes widening even bigger. “Um, are you Lady Yllmadaya Aalsyur?” His voice was soft, and wavered a bit as he spoke. Yllmadaya was quite certain he was the boy Liwyl was speaking about.
“Yes,” Yllmadaya replied. “Are you going to come in or are you going to hold up the doorway?”
“Oh! Yes. Sorry.” The boy opened the door and hesitantly stepped in, looking around the interior of the Enchantress’ Den with a wary eye. He was dressed in a raggedy shirt, vest, and pair of trousers, all which seemed just a bit too big for him, hanging off his skinny frame awkwardly. The clothes seemed to be designed for hotter weather but were clearly Bythsan from the way they were cut, Yllmadaya guessed they came from farther south in the country. Around his neck was a worn scarf that might have been red at a time but it’s color had dulled. His hands were clutching onto it and wringing it out. It seemed he had a habit of twisting the scarf up, it was permanently folded and wrinkled in a malformed shape around his neck. As a mage, Yllmadaya had the ability to sense eliki around her through a feeling, and she could pick up a faint energy coming from the boy. He either wasn’t holding much eliki at the time or he was a weak mage. The boy didn’t stray far from the door and after a while Yllmadaya realized he was staring right back at her.
“Are you going to buy anything?” Yllmadaya asked.
“Oh, right!” The boy stood looking around at the shelves, but didn’t move from his place by the door. He seemed to quickly forget what he was doing, because he ended up just staring at Yllmadaya with his wide eyes again.
“Yes?” Yllmadaya snapped, growing irritated.
“Um, they say that you’ve been alive for one hundred years,” the boy said, voice soft with awe. “Are you really?”
“No.” The moment the boy’s face dropped, Yllmadaya added a boastful, “I’m older. Two hundred and thirteen years old, to be exact.”
The boy’s wonder quickly returned. “How?”
“I’m not giving away my secrets.”
“Oh. Yes. That makes sense.” The boy nodded, twisting his scarf again.
Yllmadaya waited a moment, before giving an annoyed sigh. “What are you here for?”
“Oh right!” the boy exclaimed, seeming to remember something. He closed his eyes and recited, “My name is Reid Iobel. I’m from Izoran, a village in southern Bythse not far from the Oropal Mountains. A few months ago, the Coven of Life came into my village, and my sibling and two of their friends joined their ranks. All of a sudden they stopped contacting my family, which I know they wouldn’t do and I’ve heard rumors that the Coven of Life has been torturing people to find immortality. So I need your help!”
Yllmadaya winced at the mention of the Coven of Life, one of the many covens that was seeking eternal life, the name stirring up old memories. But although she had past connections to the Coven, she had no idea why Reid was telling her of all people his life story. “All right… If you want a potion you have to buy it. You’re going to want a lot of potions if you plan on taking on a coven by yourself, and that’s going to be a lot of money.” She looked over his ratty clothes, doubting that he could afford it. Even then, she doubted there were enough potions in her shop that would allow a gangly child to stand a chance against a coven of powerful mages, but perhaps she could make some coin from Reid before he marched to his doom.
Reid shook his head. “Sorry, I must be unclear. I don’t want you to help me by selling me potions. I want you to come with me to get my sibling and their friends back.”
Yllmadaya threw her head back and laughed. “Where’d you get that idea? I am not crossing the Coven of Life to help some random kid! I’ve built myself protection here in Varloe, I’m not just leaving it behind because you asked politely. I don’t care what happens to your sibling and their little friends, if they die then it’s not my fault.”
Reid’s brow furrowed. “That’s cruel. You’re powerful, you can help save lives but you sit here idly.”
“I don’t care. If you’re not going to buy anything, leave my shop.”
“But Lady Kydrei Nol said you’d help me.”
Yllmadaya froze up, wondering if she was mishearing him. “Did you say Kydrei Nol?”
Reid nodded. “She said you were powerful and that you knew a lot about the Coven of Life, that you’d help me.”
“How do I know you’re not just throwing that name around to trick me out of here?” Yllmadaya asked, giving the boy a suspicious glare.
“Um.” Reid froze up under Yllmadaya’s eye. He then startled, something seeming to click in his mind. He turned and rummaged around in his bag for a moment before pulling out a sealed piece of paper. “I just remembered, she said to give you this.”
Reid moved away from the door and up to the counter. The moment he was within reach, Yllmadaya snatched the paper out of his hands, desperately breaking the seal and holding it out to read it. She knew the paper, it was over a century old but well preserved. Written on it were notes on curing fever with magic, half in Yllmadaya’s handwriting and half in Kydrei’s. Yllmadaya ran her thumb over Kydrei’s messy handwriting, something that had taken her months to learn to read but which she now knew as well as her own. She frowned as she got to the bottom of the page, realizing that a new message had been written in fresh ink.

Yllmadaya,
I had a feeling you would be skeptical and I wrote this note to confirm my involvement. Follow Reid to Haldine if you wish to meet me again. You can help. Don’t be stubborn. I miss you, and I hope to see you again.
Much love,
Kydrei

“Of course, she knows me too well,” Yllmadaya grumbled to herself, carefully folding the paper back up. “I’ll go with you to Haldine.” She remembered the city, she’d been there several times before. It was a few days south of Varloe and known as one of the greatest hubs of magical research in Bythse, even in Yllmadaya’s youth when the country was just being settled.
Reid’s face brightened. “Really?”
“Yes, really.” Even if it meant leaving her home of nearly a century and breaking the magical barrier that had protected her for so long. Even if it meant facing the Coven of Life. Yllmadaya looked back to Reid. “Give me a moment to gather my belongings.”
Reid nodded, waiting at the counter while Yllmadaya poked her head into the back room. With a flick of the wrist, eliki poured out from her fingers, moving quickly to find the things she needed. A small cauldron, a knife, and a pair of walking boots she’d barely touched in years were all placed into a worn satchel by her magical energy, which in turn flew into her hand. She then returned to the main room, grabbing up another bag, and shoved all the potion ingredients she could into it. She then went to the store shelves, grabbing any potion she thought would be useful. Once her potion bag was filled with every kind of poison, medicinal salve, and other useful elixir she could fit, she felt satisfied and nodded to Reid. “Follow me outside. We’ll stop by an elikal source so I can fill my magic and then we can leave.”
Reid walked outside and Yllmadaya followed him, closing the door behind them. She then cast a quick spell on the door, filling the gap with eliki to make it harder to open. She hoped that it would dissuade people from trying to enter the Enchantress’ Den while she was gone. For good measure, she poured a potion over the handle, leaving a sticky substance that stuck easily to skin and fabric.
Outside in the Varlain Woods, the thin gaps between tree branches allowed only slivers of the late morning light in, casting the Enchantress’ Den mostly in shadow. Over the years it had grown a bit worn, but otherwise didn’t seem much different from the houses in the nearby towns with a thatched roof and wooden walls. After first moving in, Yllmadaya had had to change it to feel right, adorning the front of the shop with a bird’s skull and writing threatening messages on the front door. Around The Enchantress’ Den was the Varlain Woods, packed thick with tall trees that darkened the area. Off in the distance was the faint call of birds and a few ravens had settled on top of Yllmadaya’s shop, unphased by the skull she had hung up.
Yllmadaya walked over to the back of her shop where one of her greatest prides lay, her sprawling garden of herbs. She had grown it near an elikal source, a rift in the world that eliki came from. The source in her back garden was located in a split in one of the nearby trees, emitting a faint white glow. It had caused all of the plants that grew nearby to become healthier and bigger, given magic properties from its exposure to eliki. In fact, the herbs could almost sustain themselves without Yllmadaya, growing up the walls of her shop on their own. Most of the garden work was Yllmadaya holding back and maintaining the plants, making sure they grew correctly and didn’t entirely consume The Enchantress’ Den.
Yllmadaya moved her hand up into the rift, feeling the eliki absorbing into her fingers and settling in her body. After a moment, she knew her store of magic was full for the journey ahead.
“Do you need to replenish your eliki?” Yllmadaya asked.
Reid shook his head. “I have all of the eliki I can hold.”
Yllmadaya sent a critical eye to Reid. He was quite a weak mage, all the eliki he could hold was barely much bigger than then his head was. Yllmadaya could hold enough eliki to be the size of The Enchantress’ Den, but she was quite powerful compared to most other mages. Still, she decided not to comment on it and continue moving along. “Follow me back.”
They moved back to the front of the shop, Yllmadaya sending one last back to The Enchantress’ Den. After nearly a hundred years, she couldn’t help but have grown attached to the place. Still, she knew it was impermanent, unlike her, and eventually she’d have to leave it. She could always come back to it, and if she didn’t, then she could always rebuild it. Kydrei was far more important. Finally, she began walking into the woods, Reid following behind.
Reid looked around the forest. “Why isn’t there a road to the shop? I had some trouble getting here because I didn’t know where to go.”
“The Varlain Council refuses to build a road to The Enchantress’ Den. They say I’m a bad influence on the village and they want to dissuade their people from coming here.” Yllmadaya scoffed. “I will admit, I am a bad influence, but it’s still annoying that they make business harder for me. However, people still come to my shop, and they have found their own path. Look over there.” Yllmadaya pointed into some of the brush in the woods. After hundreds of people had passed over the same area for years, they had crushed the grass and underbrush beneath the feet, creating their own makeshift path.
Reid’s eyes widened. “Woah!”
Yllmadaya started making her way down the path, Reid close behind.
“How will we be getting to Haldine?” Yllmadaya asked.
“I hired a wagon for the journey. They can take us the full two days back,” Reid explained. He paused a moment before speaking again. “If you don’t mind me asking, are you human?”
“Yes. Human through and through. I just happen to be immortal.”
“How are you immortal? Some of the villagers said that there’s some kind of potion that stops you from aging.”
“If you want to buy it, it costs your firstborn child,” Yllmadaya teased.
Reid paled. “Um. I’m good.”
“I was joking. And the villagers are all a bunch of fools, there is no potion that keeps one youthful. If there were, I’d be making as much of it as I could and selling it to King Albyr for a fortune.”
“Then what does make you immortal?”
“None of your business.”
“Oh.” Reid’s face dropped. “Why are your hands blue?”
“If you’re a mage and you have lots of eliki in your body for a long time, say several decades, your body begins to warp a bit. Kind of like how the natural world starts to change a bit when around elikal sources.”
Reid all of the sudden whipped out a small leather bound journal. He then pulled out a piece of charcoal, opening the journal up and writing in it as he walked.
Yllmadaya gave him a confused look. “What are you doing?”
“It’s a journal that my sibling, Emyl, gave to me,” Reid explained. “I want to be a mage someday and there’s so much on magical theory I have trouble remembering it all. So whenever I hear something about magic, I write it down in here.” He paused for a moment, then looked up to Yllmadaya. “Do you want to see some of my magic?”
“Not really.” Yllmadaya wasn’t that excited about watching an amateur.
Reid looked down at his feet. “Oh. Alright.” There was another pause, then he spoke again. “How do you know Lady Kydrei?”
Yllmadaya glared at him. “You ask a lot of questions.”
Reid looked embarrassed. “Sorry. It’s a problem of mine.”
“Hmph. Try to hold back,” Yllmadaya grumbled, not looking forward to a several days long journey with Reid.
They continued for a few minutes, Reid opening his mouth to speak several times but then quickly reconsidering it. It wasn’t long until they arrived at Varloe, the thick woods dissipating into the small village that lay near the border of northern Bythse. The quaint wooden houses stood tightly together along the dirt roads. A few people and wagons were crossing the streets, some carrying crops from their farm or fish from the nearby Wenidlys Sea to trade in the market. Farther out, one could see the sea, several fishing boats on the waters, and on the other side was the vast farmland that stretched out to the horizon.
The closest person on the road was a little boy carrying a large basket of fruit, barely able to wrap his arms around its whole circumference. He turned to look as the Yllmadaya and Reid emerged from the forest and paled at the sight of Yllmadaya. In a few moments, he had dropped the basket, fruit scattering across the road, and was scampering away.
Yllmadaya chuckled a bit at the sight of the boy running. “You’ll have to start getting faster if you want to stay alive!” This only made the boy run faster, until eventually he was out of sight.
“Perhaps you should put your hood on?” Reid said, sending Yllmadaya a concerned look. “I don’t think we want to draw too much attention.”
“And hide my stunning visage? I don’t think so,” Yllmadaya replied. “Besides, I don’t mind the attention. I want the entire village to know I’ll be leaving.”
She was about to continue on, but was annoyed to find that Reid had kneeled down to right the basket and started putting the fruits back in. She crossed her arms and tapped her feet until Reid stood back up, the basket full.
“Do you see where the boy went? I want to bring this back to him,” Reid said.
“I did not and it doesn’t matter because we need to get going. Just, leave it there and he might come back,” Yllmadaya said. Reid set the basket on the side of the road and then finally moved on. As they started walking again, Yllmadaya looked around the village roads. There were several wagons and she couldn’t tell which one they would be taking. “Where’s our wagon?”
Reid pointed down the road. “Down there.”
Yllmadaya looked off in the distance, catching sight of a small cart, probably just big enough to fit a driver and four other people. A figure was tying it up to a mount and another person standing close by, but they were too far for her to see their faces.
They continued on, the few other people on the road making a deliberate attempt to avoid Yllmadaya. Yllmadaya played it up, occasionally giving passersby a malicious grin.
It didn’t take long until they were at the wagon. While Reid walked up to the driver of the cart, Yllmadaya took interest in the other person, a middle aged woman, who was beginning to back away from her. The woman was heavily freckled with dirty blonde hair and Yllmadaya couldn’t remember him having ever come to her shop.
“Morning,” Yllmadaya said, her grin growing bigger as the woman jumped and looked away, not replying. “That’s rather rude, no good morning for me?” There was still no response.
Reid leaned over to the man in the front of the cart. “Hey, I’m back. I found the friend who’s coming with me, I can pay for her place on the ride.” The driver was putting the bridle on a tueliir, a huge hooved quadrupedal. It was often used to carry heavy burdens and sometimes kept on farms for milk. It had thick hair that covered almost every part of it, including its eyes. The only thing visible beneath the fur was a pair of horns and clasped around that particular tueliir’s horn was a metal charm to mark who it belonged to. Yllmadaya recognized the insignia on the charm as the Rosic family’s and realized she knew the driver as he turned around.
“Good, then we can get going to Haldine,” the driver, Heimaln, said to Reid. “Who did you-?” He jumped back at the sight of Yllmadaya. “Ah! You-!”
“Hello, Heimaln Rosic. How’s your mother?” Yllmadaya said.
Heimaln stood frozen. He was a dark skinned man with short curly brown hair and a broad figure, dressed in simple farmer’s garb. He was quite young, just having become an adult. Yllmadaya knew him quite well, he’d visited her shop a few times.
There was a moment of silence, Heimaln staring in complete horror at Yllmadaya, before the blonde woman spoke up. “I just realized I need to be here in Varloe tomorrow. I can take the next ride to Haldine.” She then scrambled off, not sparing Yllmadaya another look.
“Wait, come back! Can you at least pay the money in advance?” Heimaln called out, but it seemed too late as the woman turned down one of the roads, disappearing. Heimaln finally turned back to Reid. “You brought Yllmadaya Aalsyur?” Reid nodded. Heimaln winced and laughed nervously to himself. “I can’t bring the Sunken Enchantress onto my cart! I can drive you back to Haldine, but I will not take her no matter what you pay me.”
“Oh… I guess we’ll find another cart,” Reid said, about to turn to leave before Yllmadaya spoke up.
“Rosic, I’m standing right here,” Yllmadaya snapped. “If you wish to speak about me, then say it to my face instead of the boy’s.”
Heimaln winced but finally turned to face Yllmadaya, still averting his eyes from hers. “Yes. Sorry.”
“It seems awfully cruel that you won’t let me use your services when we’ve done business before. I know you’ve used my potions to make your mother forget your involvement with coven mages. It would be quite terrible if she started to remember things.”
Heimaln stared at her in shock. “You wouldn’t-”
“I would.”
Heimaln took a deep breath, before admitting defeat. “Alright, fine. You can come on.”
“With a discount,” Yllmadaya added.
Heimaln winced. “Yeah, with a discount. You can get two eindars off.” He sent a fleeting glance towards the direction his other customer had left. “I guess we’ll just be going with two. You can start getting on, the cart’s almost ready.”
Yllmadaya and Reid both settled in the back of the wagon amongst some boxes of cargo and Heimaln tightened the bridle on the tueliir before getting onto the driver’s seat. As the wagon started, a few people had collected a few feet away, casting glances at Yllmadaya and muttering amongst themselves. Yllmadaya hadn’t left the Varlain area since the day she’d set foot in it, and she knew her exit would spread quickly around. Finally, the wagon started and left through the village.
After exiting Varloe, there were miles of crops. The northern area of Bythse had the perfect conditions for iyir, a common grain that made up most of the bread in Bythse. It was harvest season, and farmhands’ heads just barely poking out over the sea of grain, a few looking up at the sight of the wagon. Reid waved at them, and a few waved back, faltering as they caught sight of Yllmadaya beside him.
A while passed, Reid asking Heimaln about the farms in Varloe and Heimaln answering every single dry question. Yllmadaya tried to ignore their chatter by going over her old notes, trying to recall the moment she had written them with Kydrei. Eventually she looked up from the paper to see the road behind her, realizing how far away Varloe was. It looked small, like she could grab it up in the palm of her hand. She hadn’t been that far away from the town in nearly a century, when she had first arrived and settled down in the Varlain Woods. She could feel the energy of her own magical spell, a barrier that she had created to protect her from mages outside, coming up along the road. Her heart began to pound as it neared. “Wait a second.”
Heimaln halted the wagon, turning around to frown at Yllmadaya. “Is something wrong?”
“I just need a moment.”
“What’s going on?” Reid asked.
“I’ve built a magical barrier around the Varlain Woods. It took me years to get it this big,” Yllmadaya explained. “If a mage tried to search for me with magic, then they wouldn’t be able to find me as long as I was within this barrier. The moment I pass over it, then my eliki can be sensed and I can be hunted down by mages.”
“So you’d be in danger?” Reid asked, voice wavering.
Yllmadaya paused, thinking it over. “I’m probably just over worrying. Anyone who was looking for me in the past would be long dead by now. And even if I do draw attention from new mages because of my power, I doubt anyone would want to cross me because of my strength.” And of course, no matter the peril, she needed to see Kydrei. Yllmadaya took a deep breath, steeling herself. “Go on, Rosic.”
Heimaln nodded and tugged on the reins, and the tueliir continued moving, passing over the line where Yllmadaya’s barrier was formed. She closed her eyes, feeling the spell crackle as she passed through it. For a moment, she felt exposed, but she pushed back the feeling and reminded herself what she was headed for. After another breath, she opened her eyes again, greeted by the horizon ahead of her.

@clairecantsleephelp

Well, you've piqued my interest, so no more studying for me, I guess…

Okay, I know how stressful it is to read a critique of your first chapter, so I'll start by saying that my general impression was very positive. I personally believe that a good first chapter should give the reader a sense of who the main characters are, and I think you did a pretty good job establishing Yllmadaya's personality from the very beginning (I actually read through her character sheet and I honestly think she is one of the best characters I've seen on this website, so kudos to you!).
That being said, I had some issues with this chapter, mainly concerning prose and pacing, that I'd like to talk about.

You said you thought the pacing was too fast? Well, I thought it was too slow. Now, I have ADHD, so it might not be as much of a problem for other people, but there were times when I had to pause to do something else because I got bored. There were a lot of unnecessarily long descriptions, and even though you managed to give me some crucial information about your world/characters through them (and kudos to you again for that!), there was still a lot of stuff that didn't need to be there, so I recommend you cut some things out on your next draft. I also felt like you explained everything a little bit too much. It wasn't in any way an exposition dump, but I feel like sometimes the information wasn't delivered organically, and you tented to repeat the same piece of information over and over.

And now let's talk about the prose. I know this is just an initial draft, and even though it wasn't even bad, I still want to talk about the writing. The main problem I had was that sometimes it felt like I was reading a description of things that were happening in the story, and not the story itself (especially when you were describing a character doing something). The writing also felt a tad… synthetic? I didn't feel like there was a strong narrative voice, and sometimes the dialogue would soud unnatural. For example, that part when Reid was explaining why he needed Yllmadaya's help was super weird and didn't seem to fit his character at all.

Again, these problems are VERY common in initial drafts, and I don't really think there are any huge problems with this chapter. Your characters are REALLY good: their motivations are solid and fit the plot very well, and form what I gathered from
Yllmadaya's profile they all seem to have interesting dynamics. I also really like the world you created, and even though I don't usually give two shits about magic systems, the concept of the "eliki" is different from anything I've ever seen and I'm honestly quite intrigued.

I'm sorry this review was a mess but I am very tired so please bare with me. I hope this was helpful somehow and please continue writing this thing because I got attached and I want to read it

@clairecantsleephelp

also next time you need a critique for a chapter just please send a word document or something because reading through here is a nightmare

@tiredandconfused group

This is super helpful, thank you so much for taking the time to critique! I'm not the strongest with prose and pacing and it's really great to get a second opinion on what I need to work on. I'm really glad you're interested in the characters and world and as I clean up more of the chapters I'll continue sending them.

@caps_all_the_time

I did want to say there are a couple of lines that would use a semicolon rather than a comma in the syntax department, like when you have this sentence:

"And she didn’t mind the morbid backstory of the building, she doubted the woods could do any harm to her."

Instead, you could put:

"And she didn’t mind the morbid backstory of the building; she doubted the woods could do any harm to her."

It's kind of just a grammatical thingy. It connects two independent sentences as opposed to a comma, which is used to connect an independent and dependent.

Sorry if this is annoying!