forum Could someone critique this bit from my OC's past?
Started by @soupnana group
tune

people_alt 1 follower

@soupnana group

Just a little bit from my OC's past. I need tips.

“Alright… just one jump, a flap of wings, and you will be soaring through the air.” Griffin was standing atop the academy roof, muttering encouragement to himself. He glanced up and saw all the other kids his age playing skyball. A boy with blood red hair and magnificent wings of the same shade dived down the catch the ball and before anyone could react, he had tossed the ball into the smallest ring, scoring his team 200 points. The opposing team let out a groan and Griffin looked up at the scoreboard. 560 to 130.
He imagined himself flying high over the playing field, his own wings glittering a light rose gold color in the sunlight. He swooped downwards, his feathery wings creating so much wind force that others were blown away to become specs in the distance. Griffin caught the rubbery ball and he hurled it across the field. The ball whizzed forward, smacking into the goalie’s chest and pushing him through the hoop behind him. The crowd roared, and Griffin grinned with pleasure, lifting his fists in the air with triumph.
The daydream ended as a cold voice broke into Griffin’s thoughts. He grimaced and turned, his cumbersome, crooked wings, sweeping behind him awkwardly. The red-haired boy was standing on the roof, the ball in his hand and a crony of his on each side of him. All of them were grinning wickedly.
“Did you hear me, Sniffin? I asked you why you haven’t jumped yet. Those useless things on your back won’t do you much good, but if you fell we’d all be done a favor.” Pan smirked, and he threw the ball into the air, catching it easily. Griffin didn’t answer.
The short and burly boy to Pan’s right cracked his knuckles, but his pack leader stopped him with a hand on his arm. “No Caro, this one’s mine.” Pan took a few steps forward until he was face to face with Griffin, who looked away, not wanting to see the other boy’s evil grin.
“I asked you a question. So, answer you little twit!” Pan pushed Griffin hard on the shoulder, and the smaller boy stumbled backwards, his heel hanging on the roof’s edge precariously. “Oh right! Weren’t you so excited to learn how to fly? Well then, fly little birdie.” Pan readied himself for another push, one to send Griffin careening off the academy roof.
“Leave him alone Pan! What’d he ever do to you?” Pan turned around, his eyes wide with panic, believing he had been caught. His expression relaxed as he spotted the young girl with short, Ombre purple hair standing a few yards away, her arms crossed over her chest.
“Oh, hey Ann.” Pan said, stuffing his hands in his pockets as if this were any normal meeting.
“Don’t call me that! I asked you, what’d Griffin do to you?” The girl stared at Pan, her eyes burning holes into him.
Pan lifted his hands as if in surrender. “Sorry Andromeda,” He emphasized each syllable as he said the girls name. “And this is none of your business, so why don’t you just go back inside and play with dolls or whatever it is you girls do. This is a man’s business, so go away.” Pan began to turn back towards Griffin, but before he could face him, Andromeda stomped forward and grabbed hold of his collar.
“Just because I am a girl, doesn’t mean I just play with dolls.” Without hesitation, she whacked Pan in the face with her fist. The boy fell backwards, blood the color of his hair pouring out of his nose. Andromeda scowled down at him as he scrambled away from her, but she didn’t go after him for another blow.
“What the heck are you two doing!? Clobber her you idiots!” Pan yelled at his cronies. The two boys looked at each other stupidly.
“But she’s a girl. We don’t hit girls.” Said Ravi, a tall and lanky boy with dark brown skin.
Pan looked ready to scream, “Do you think I care!? She hit me!”
As the three boys argued, Andromeda looked over at Griffin, who was still poised on the edge of the roof, too afraid to move. “Your welcome.” She said, her scowl fading slightly.
Griffin shifted foot to foot, not noticing how close he was to plummeting down towards the pavement. “Why’d you help me? I mean… if he had pushed me off the edge, I would have flown away. I’m not helpless you know.” He looked down at his feet and he finally saw that both heels were nearly hanging off the roof. He took a few frightened steps away from the edge and as he looked up at Andromeda he quickly attempted to play it cool.
“Trust me, you would have fallen and those ‘wings’ of yours wouldn’t have done a single thing besides cushion your fall, and then they would break and that would hurt like heck.” Andromeda said glancing down at the feathery, rose-gold wings as they dragged on the ground uselessly. Her expression softened, “Have you gotten those looked at? A good cornuintoligest (wing specialist) should be able to diagnose the problem with them easily.”
Griffin kicked a rock nervously, not meeting Andromeda’s eyes. “My mom went to every doctor she knew of when they stopped working. No one has been able to figure out the cause.”
Andromeda pondered this, “When did they stop working?” There was a scuffle from behind them, and they turned to see Caro and Ravi helping Pan to his feet and they began to walk away, Pan glaring back at them. Andromeda turned back to Griffin, who was determinedly not looking at her. “Are you going to tell me or not?” She insisted.
“They went limp the year I came to this school. They actually worked for the first day but…” He stopped talking and he kept scuffing his shoe against the ground.
“Odd.” Andromeda said simply. “Well, come on. We should probably get to class.”