forum Can you come critique a story I wrote for english?
Started by @ElderGodSeeba petsbing bing 🐸

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@ElderGodSeeba petsbing bing 🐸

Sup fellas, it's me.

Im writing again (wahey) is my first piece is supposed to be about a moment in time, so I picked the end of the world cause im dramatic.
anyway, I kinda dig it, please tell me what you think, cheers xx

There was nothing but them.
Most of the birds had fled a long time ago, smelling the impending sense of doom from miles away. All that remained were the crows, circling the skies and chasing groups of scattered beings, their instincts telling them a feast was about to commence; however, unbeknownst to them, they would be part of the entree themselves.
“Hey,” he was pulled from his daze by his partner’s rough voice, red-rimmed eyes tracing his unresponsive face,
“Remember when we got caught in that abandoned mall?” they whispered, a sickening taste forming on their tongue,
“Yes,” he responded, a small crease of a smile haunting his expression.
“And then we got chased up the roads by security?” They laughed dryly, “It looked just like this, remember?” they repeated the word hesitantly as if to double-check it still carried the same validity it did yesterday.
“Yeah,” He looked up the dimly lit road, his mind replacing the cold empty asphalt with memories he wanted to hold forever.
“I remember.”
They sat in silence for the next few minutes, completely conscious of the precious time they were wasting. He grabbed their hand softly and let their fingers melt together, creating a concoction of skin scarred with memory and the bitter taste of regret. He didn’t think this was how it would end. In amongst all the scenarios he created and erased within his mind, not once did the thought of perishing on rain-slick concrete, nose numbed from the repetitive beating of the raindrops paired with the cold winter, seem realistic.
“Do you regret it?” they asked, voice barely audible above a whisper, afraid if they spoke too loud, it would all end too soon,
“Regret what?”
“This;” they held their conjoined hands softly in the air, “us.”
“No.” he stated plainly, not moving his eyes from the frozen glare on their hands.
“Do you regret what we missed?”
His mouth opened and closed again in similarity to a codfish, giving them a louder answer than his next words could,
“Yes.” he looked towards the bright star that sat above their heads,
“Not a day has gone by recently where I haven't thought about what we passed up, what we didn’t do out of fear or uncertainty; and now, sitting here with you, on this crying road, soaked with earth's tears, do I realise how much we took for granted.”
They opened their mouth to respond, only to be completely interrupted again;
“The moon is falling.”
His voice was oddly steady for the harrowing sentence that slipped past his lips. The connotations in a regular setting would frighten and confuse anyone, however, at that moment right then and there, they knew exactly what that meant. They still had so much more to say, so many other sweet rivers of lovesick words to whisper, yet time was a cruel dictator, and no matter how much they plead and beg of just another simple two minutes to love each other, they knew they had only a matter of seconds to cherish the life they had shared.
“It's pretty.” they smiled sadly, their voice cracking slightly as they watch the bright star in the sky slowly fall closer,
“It always has been.”
He let his head drop to their shoulder and closed his eyes,
“Almost as pretty as you.”
The radiating heat grew to an unbearable height as they managed to repeat his soft last words,
“Almost as pretty as you.”
And then, in seemingly seconds;
There was nothing but them.


lol Grammarly.

And I love this. The emotion, the eery tone of it all, the imagery. Amazing. So in this ex-couple im guessing one of them has the pronouns of they/them. Are they non-binary or something else? I would clarify it in the story, so people don't get confused. Other than that, no notes.


To: @Seeba

I am so glad I scrolled all the way down to see this. The writing is fantastic, darling. Typically, end-of-the-world novels involving a daring heroine who somehow survives the apocalypse and is edgy as all else. But this is something entirely different. It's wonderful.

My only personal advice is to possibly give more of a background and make it longer, if you are wanting to take it farther than an English project (because I know I'm several months late and you probably already have submitted it), but that's all up to you.

With love,
Viv E.W.