forum Marvel AU OxO?

Started November 29, 2019 by @ElderGod-Icefire

tune

He closed his eyes. "Steve, I…" he shook his head again, swallowing for a moment. He didn't want to tell Steve. He didn't want to see the way the other man's face would change as he spoke.

Steve bit his lip, casting a worried glance over at Bucky. "What is it?" He asked, turning to face him and quietly noting that it was hard to tell what he was thinking; nothing like how it used to be, "You can tell me, remember? We tell— told each other everything."

Bucky shook his head again, taking a sip of his coffee. He didn't want to have to say it. Didn't want to tell Steve all the things that had happened, because if he started talking, what if he couldn't stop? What if all the horrors he had seen and done and experienced just came pouring out?

"Bucky?" Steve softly asked, wearing the faintest of frowns as he gazed at him. The man before him was almost foreign now; cold and so hard to read. Even when Bucky was trembling with fear he seemed more like himself, rather than the near emotionless facade that he wore now. "Talk to me, Buck. Please."

"I can't, Steve." he said. "I…I don't want to." he closed his eyes for a moment, letting a few strands of hair fall into his eyes.

"Why not?" Steve said, even quieter than the last time he spoke. He was so silently worried, carrying a pleading look of sincerity as he gazed at him, "It hurts to see you hurting, Buck. Why won't you try? For me?"

He shook his head a little. "Steve…" he trailed off, rubbing his face with his flesh hand, not looking at the blond arcoss from him.

"Bucky…" Steve replied, looking at him with a knowing look. It was in times like these where he really wished things were different, that they might be in another world, or another time; happier and together at the breakfast bar, smiling at each other instead of arguing about getting help.

He shook his head a little bit. "No. I can't. I don't…please don't make me." He said softly, pushing his plate away, appetite gone.

"Bucky, I want you to get better," Steve said in quiet desperation. There were so many vacant stares, so many simple replies and idle conversations that had pained him to see from Bucky, and all he felt he could do now was to beg, beg for him to find a way out of the numbness that surrounded him. "Please, I care about you," He said, his hand inching towards Bucky's, "Talk to me."

Bucky shook his head a little bit. "Steve. I…I can't." he said softly. "I just…" he closed his eyes.

"You won't try?" Steve quietly prompted, silently and slowly reaching out to hold Bucky's metal hand, "For me? For yourself?" He nodded, momentarily biting his lip as looked over his tense frame, "Because it's not impossible, and I'll be right by your side."

He bit his lip. "I don't want to." he replied, shaking his head again.

"Are you scared of something?" Steve asked, waiting for a moment. He let out a quiet sigh, wishing he knew the words to make him understand how much he cared, "There are ways out of that fear. Why don't you want to at least try?"

Bucky shook his head very faintly. "I-it's not that, I'm just…" he didn't know. He just…he didn't want Steve to…to know. Suspecting was very different from knowing.

"You're just…?" Steve said, trying to prompt a real answer out of him. There was so much he thought he should be doing for him; so much he felt he wasn't doing right, and all he wanted was to know what he was feeling. "Tell me what's going on. I think it'll really help."

"Steve…" he trailed off, shaking his head a litttle bit. "Please."

"'Please' what?" Steve softly asked, a frown beginning to form on his expression, "Please stop trying to help you? Stop trying to look out for you?"

He shrugged faintly. "Yeah, maybe." He replied. "Just…stop asking questions I don't or can't have an answer for."

Steve blinked, a little taken aback. Did he really want him to stop trying? "'Do you…want to get better?" He asked, searching Bucky's face for an answer, "Cause I'm tryin' here. You know that."

Bucky covered his face with his hands. "I just…" He looked helpless. "I'm sorry."

Steve hesitated, his frown deepening as Bucky hid his face. Carefully, he reached for his hands. "Bucky, hey," He said, so softly that it was almost hard to hear, "No, come here, It's okay."

He leaned into Steve, taking a deep breath. "I'm sorry." He said softly. "It's just…the things that…that happened…" The things he had done, the things that had been done to him…he couldn't bring himself to talk about it because it would just make it that much more real. Something that Steve would know, instead of a nightmare that only existed in his mind.

"I know, I know," Steve told him, slowly wrapping his arms around him as he nodded. There was so much pain in his voice; the mere heaviness of his words said so much about what happened, and Steve could hardly bear to hear it. "It's okay," He swallowed, holding him close, "You're okay now; away from all that. It'll never happen again, and you're safe, here, with me."

"I'm sorry." He said quietly, closing his eyes and staying leaned against Steve. "I'm sorry." He moved to hold onto Steve, biting his lip.

"No, Bucky, don't be sorry," Steve said, running a slow hand through his dark hair as he held him, letting out a breath that he didn't realize he was holding. "None of this was your fault. It was awful, but it's over now."

He kept his eyes closed, staying pressed against Steve. "Okay." He said softly, letting out a faint breath. "I-I didn't mean…to hurt you. I…" he trailed off.