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Started by @Riorlyne pets
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@mckapo

Can you look at the beginning of mine?

PAN

Pulling ever so slightly so as not to tear the entire wing from the small fairy’s back, Pan ground his teeth against the shriek of pain that rattled his eardrums. Pushing past the sudden appearance of his small amount of empathy, Pan pulled again, half of the thin effervescent wing now hanging limply off the fairy. The skin on her back started to swell and small red droplets oozed out of the wound, but Pan was more focused on the fairy’s small face, and the black tar-like tear that squeezed itself out of the corner of her bright blue eye.

Catching is before it slid to the ground, Pan gazed at it feverishly, so incredibly impatient. But first, Pan settled his gaze on the diminutive fairy, just about the length of his palm, whose shoulders were shaking with silent sobs of pain. He leaned forward and gently blew on the fairy, watching as her wing knitted itself back together with a small golden light. It fizzled out when the job was done. The fairy glanced up at Pan, gaze hardened with hatred, yet full of misguided love and worship, and kissed his fingertip, before flying back into the dense forest, fighting against the gusty winds that was Pan’s current mood.

He did hate inflicting pain on the small fairies, who he’d taken an almost instant liking to when he’d first been cursed to this island, but he’d found that fairy tears of pain were the most powerful, and the most intoxicating, and so it was a necessary evil.

Placing the tear on the tip of his tongue, Pan leaned back on the sand of the beach, watching the large dark gray storm clouds thin out until they were small wisps in an otherwise clear blue sky.
He took a deep breath, the wind dying down, the waves beating against the shore calming to a standstill. Calm, everything was now calm.

How long had Neverland been in a state of grief? A state of anger? Days? Weeks? Possibly months. Time moved so differently on this island, that Pan usually forgot how long it had been since he’d been placed on this miserable island. It could have been yesterday, or five hundred years ago; there was no way to tell. No constellations in the sky to give him any point of reference, just the stars of the souls, and that told him nothing.

A gurgle of water made Pan sit up, brushing sand off his clothes. Besides him, no one else dared lounge about the beach shores, for fear of the creatures that lurked beneath the clear water that surrounded Neverland. The souls roamed Skull Rock, the Lost Boys stayed inland, even Hook had his crew scale cliffs when they docked rather than chance a dock on the beach. It made for easy pickings.

Mermaids as imagined on Earth did not exist, at least not in the beautiful lovely way they were often portrayed. They were instead, horrifying and terrible, and Pan admired their ruthlessness and cunning.

Out of the water rose such a creature, masses of tangled seaweed sprouting from her head, large webbed ears that flattened against her head to hear the singing of her sisters, her hands were smooth and sharp, their webbings disappearing as she snaked onto the sand. Her mouth was small, petite, and when she grinned at Pan, two rows of sharp carnivorous teeth flashed at him.

The eyes of the mermaids were what intrigued Pan the most, besides the splitting of the fin to come onto dry land for mere moments of course, as they were incredibly large and doe-like, giving the mermaid a sense of childlike innocence. Before they pulled their victims into the depths of the sea, tearing their flesh from their body, the limbs from their sockets, watching their victim die from drowning or the torture, who could guess, but they liked to witness them die slow painful deaths. With Lost Boys or souls, or even the humans from Hook’s crew, the mermaids had cravings.

“Poppy,” Pan inclined his head to the mermaid, as her fin separated into two legs, complete with scales and barnacles. Not the prettiest site. Poppy hissed at the pain, crawling up next to Pan, her legs still wobbly.

“I found one of your souls,” Poppy smiled, her rows of teeth flashing again, and this time, Peter caught the remnants of a corporeal soul’s cloth gown stuck in the back of her teeth. “Naughty little thing, they seem to have found a way past your defenses. Or perhaps that Captain friend of yours has found a way to release them.” Pan groaned inwardly. Those stupid stupid souls…

Neverland had always been the place where souls that were neither ‘good’ nor ‘evil’ were sent until their fates could be decided upon by the powers that be, but it wasn’t such a friendly place. Pan wondered what it would have been like before he had been sent there; possibly much more nefarious and disturbing. He’d created a base for all souls to stay, at Skull’s Rock, where they were bound by his magic until their Judgment came in. That had been much easier than searching all over the wretched island for a soul that had gotten itself stuck in a sand pit or found its way to the edges of the shoreline. If they could just do what he had told them to do, he wouldn’t have to renew that barrier every goddamned decade.

“I told you I pick the souls for you and your sisters,” Pan snarled, pooling a teaspoon of freshwater into his now cupped hands from the Cannibal Cove Pool of Madness. He flung it at Poppy and she writhed in pain, every droplet that landed on her burning into her salty scale covered skin, bubbles forming and popping, oozing with golden liquid. “You do not have free reign here.”

“It is not my fault if you fail to do your duty,” Poppy spat, wiping at the blood that leaked from her mouth. “And the souls you pick for us are old and weak. We want fresh souls, maybe even one of those wraiths you keep locked up in the fairy tree.”

Pan balled up his fists and stood, gripping Poppy by the ends of her seaweed hair. It was slimy and covered in algae. He stalked towards the edge of the water and threw Poppy back to the shoreline. The moment she hit the saltwater her wounds closed and her feet fused together, once again a gnarled looking fin. “I’ll have your souls in a fortnight. Do not touch any others until that time, or you will be answering to me.”

Poppy stared at him, a sly smile on her dark green face. Of course, Pan had no actual power over the mermaids, but he knew they saw him as a threat, as someone with a mind like their own. Though, if he crossed into Mermaid’s Cove, he knew he could just as easily be ripped to shreds like the other unfortunate souls that had done so before. “Is it your time to visit the world once again? We are agreed, Pan. I will tell my sisters.” Poppy’s head slowly disappeared under the water, her fin splashing at the surface before she was gone from sight.

“Pan! Those fucking souls are out again!”

Frowning, Pan turned back to the forest outline, where his first in command, Tamaerean, hollered out to him. Tam was… energetic, to say the least. Out of all the Lost Boys Pan had created over the years, Tam had been with him the longest. He wasn’t the first, but he had been alongside Pan for many years, and had danced around the edges of insanity as their time went on. The transition from wraith to Lost Boy was difficult and strenuous, and more often than not Pan had to dissolve the mindless creatures in the Pool of Madness, as they were too far gone to make the mentally exhausting change; but Tamaerean had been a different case. He’d held onto his anger, his vengeance far longer than any other Lost Boy, but he hadn’t gotten lost in the process, and had come out better than the others.

Reaching into his leather bag he had on him at all times, Pan tossed a small handful of fairy dust over his head, the small specks of gold fusing into his skin upon contact. He pushed off the ground lightly, a sense of weightlessness washing over him, and glided over to Tam, the boy’s wolfish face staring up at him eagerly. Bramwë said it was a side-effect of their relationship to Pan, the animalistic qualities his Lost Boys gained over the years, as he was a nature god, and with nature came the animals, the beasts of the wild. Over time, the Lost Boys became less human-like, and more like the horrid beasts that roamed Neverland at night. Perhaps that was their fate, and perhaps he cared more about it than he would have liked to admit.

“Take this, gather up the souls, and fix the barrier. It should hold until I renew the Tree tomorrow night,” Pan said to him, tossing Tam the second leather pouch he always carried with him, the magical concoction he and Bramwë made every few weeks from the Pool of Sadness; a mixture of fairy dust, fairy tears, wraith souls, and Pan’s own inherent nature magic. Tam nodded, the large ever-present smile on his face rivaling that of a mermaid’s. His canines and molars were all pointed now, and added with the fact that Tam could smile wider than Pan previously thought impossible, it gave him an unsettling look. If he were anyone else, Pan would have possibly been frightened, but there was nothing that could frighten Pan now except his own mind, and that was where he lost.

“Yes sir,” Tam said, turning to leave, back into the forest, where the Lost Boys had set up camp near the Fairy Tree. “Are you… going to Hangman’s Cliff?”

“Yes,” Pan said quietly, and Tam nodded solemnly, his eyes downcast.

“I’ll have Cass ready to go, and Tiva and Markov will take watch tonight,” Tam said, reaching into his pocket and throwing a handful of golden dust over his head. He lifted off the ground, gave Pan a salute, and headed towards the Fairy Tree that grew in the middle of the Neverland island.

@Riorlyne pets

@mckapo - All right, I've read and commented, and here's the doc I've put it in: Beginning of Pan

General Feedback

  1. Worldbuilding - I really love the twist you've put on Neverland. You've put a lot of thought into your mermaids and Lost Boys and I assume the other inhabitants too, although we haven't gotten to meet them yet, so well done! I would suggest however that all the origin info, for the souls and Lost Boys particularly, does not need to happen in the first few pages. It dilutes the urgency of needing to round up the souls. I think it's fine to describe Tam as wolfish, with a large grin and pointed teeth, without needing to go into how a Lost Boy is made. That might better fit in a more relaxed moment.
  2. Pan's character - this might be what you're going for, but the first we see of Pan is very dark. He's torturing innocent creatures to feed his addiction, and the reader is given no reason for the addiction or how it affects him. I think this may make it harder for your readers to relate to Pan, and if he is the main character, you want them to be able to relate to him. I would suggest restructuring the scene, as I'll lay out below.
  3. Scene flow - there are three main sections to this scene - Pan getting fairy tears, Pan talking with Poppy, and Pan talking with Tam. All work okay on their own but because you've wrapped each one up individually they don't seem linked together. This is my suggestion for linking them:
    • Start with Pan having captured the fairy. HOWEVER, have him be interrupted by Tam telling him the souls have got out, and in the distraction, the fairy gets away, and Pan doesn't get his tear. This way, the fairy scene is not resolved (Pan still needs that Pain tear, dammit) and immediately you've got two conflicts engaging your readers - Pan's mood and the escaped souls. When Pan finally does get his hands on a tear, your readers will have experienced how Pan feels without one, and though they probably won't agree with his methods they will at least understand why he's driven to it. Also, if tears of pain are supposed to be analogous to mood-altering drugs, Pan will be unnaturally calm after one. As it is now Pan gets pretty miffed with Poppy right after ingesting the tear and thus the tear's effects don't seem very potent (or worth the guilt suffered to acquire them).
    • Have Pan encounter Poppy on his way to Hangman's Cliff. Her 'I found one of your souls' will feel more gloating and be more irritating to Pan, and because his mood has not just been reset to 'calm' via fairy tear, his frustration will feel more natural.
    • Have worldbuilding elements like how Lost Boys are created and how the souls-in-limbo system operates later on, in less active moments of the story. :)

@mckapo

@mckapo - All right, I've read and commented, and here's the doc I've put it in: Beginning of Pan

General Feedback

  1. Worldbuilding - I really love the twist you've put on Neverland. You've put a lot of thought into your mermaids and Lost Boys and I assume the other inhabitants too, although we haven't gotten to meet them yet, so well done! I would suggest however that all the origin info, for the souls and Lost Boys particularly, does not need to happen in the first few pages. It dilutes the urgency of needing to round up the souls. I think it's fine to describe Tam as wolfish, with a large grin and pointed teeth, without needing to go into how a Lost Boy is made. That might better fit in a more relaxed moment.
  2. Pan's character - this might be what you're going for, but the first we see of Pan is very dark. He's torturing innocent creatures to feed his addiction, and the reader is given no reason for the addiction or how it affects him. I think this may make it harder for your readers to relate to Pan, and if he is the main character, you want them to be able to relate to him. I would suggest restructuring the scene, as I'll lay out below.
  3. Scene flow - there are three main sections to this scene - Pan getting fairy tears, Pan talking with Poppy, and Pan talking with Tam. All work okay on their own but because you've wrapped each one up individually they don't seem linked together. This is my suggestion for linking them:
    • Start with Pan having captured the fairy. HOWEVER, have him be interrupted by Tam telling him the souls have got out, and in the distraction, the fairy gets away, and Pan doesn't get his tear. This way, the fairy scene is not resolved (Pan still needs that Pain tear, dammit) and immediately you've got two conflicts engaging your readers - Pan's mood and the escaped souls. When Pan finally does get his hands on a tear, your readers will have experienced how Pan feels without one, and though they probably won't agree with his methods they will at least understand why he's driven to it. Also, if tears of pain are supposed to be analogous to mood-altering drugs, Pan will be unnaturally calm after one. As it is now Pan gets pretty miffed with Poppy right after ingesting the tear and thus the tear's effects don't seem very potent (or worth the guilt suffered to acquire them).
    • Have Pan encounter Poppy on his way to Hangman's Cliff. Her 'I found one of your souls' will feel more gloating and be more irritating to Pan, and because his mood has not just been reset to 'calm' via fairy tear, his frustration will feel more natural.
    • Have worldbuilding elements like how Lost Boys are created and how the souls-in-limbo system operates later on, in less active moments of the story. :)

THANK YOU

@Riorlyne pets

@Annika - All right, here goes! :)

Otis

  • Overview: For nicknames, do you mean 'O-bo' as in the musical instrument? If so, it's spelled 'Oboe'.
  • Looks: For body type, there are many, many different types that can be considered healthy, and your readers will have different opinions on what 'perfect' is. Think about what shape he is - does he have long legs, short legs, does he still have a bit of baby fat or is he basically a twig, he probably hasn't hit puberty yet but which adult shape is he growing toward (some common male adult body shapes)? Also, identifying marks tend to be more permanent than a bruise. If you rounded up all the green-eyed, auburn-haired 12-year-old boys in his town, how would you point out Otis to me?
  • Nature: With Mannerisms, when does he lick his lips? When he's nervous, thinking, sad, …? You can probably add more to this section, especially since he's your main character. Each of the subheadings in this category could have a bit more in it. A well-rounded character will have more than one flaw or talent, and I think you should add some hobbies. What does Otis do in his free time?
    His personality is ISFJ-T which is a good start. You could read these pages to get some ideas for an ISFJ personality if you're a bit stuck: ISFJ Personality.
  • Social: If his religion is going to factor into the story at all, it might be helpful to say which denomination and how seriously Otis takes his religious beliefs. If it's just things like celebrating Christmas, what you've got is fine.
  • History: More backstory! Where does he live? Did he enjoy being homeschooled? How did he adjust to the transition to public/private school? How did he meet Annika and why is she his best friend? What about his depression, when did he have it and why does he not have it now? (FYI, depression is rarer in kids before puberty, affecting roughly 2%). What's his relationship like with his brother?

You've got a great start with Otis here but overall I feel that you can develop his character a lot further. These character sheets are a great tool for you as a writer - the more you know about him and his personality from the start, the more he'll come to life in your writing. :)

Abram

  • Overview: In nicknames, do you mean "Father Abraham"?
  • Looks: "he shaves every little hair that he sees so that he can feel like a man." LOL!
  • Nature: Again, this is the most important section to flesh out.
    • Mannerisms: when does he play with his hair? What does he do when he's feeling different emotions?
    • Motivations: Is his primary goal in life for Otis to be in pain? That seems a bit sadistic, but if that's the case, you NEED to know why he hates Otis. The reader doesn't necessarily have to know, but you do. What motivates him to work at his job and go to school? (I'm guessing he doesn't go to work 'to hurt Otis'.) Seeing as he's also the school bully, I'm guessing he's more likely motivated by gaining power over others and being in control.
    • Flaws: What are his character flaws? Is he impatient, driven by his emotions, insecure, etc.
    • Personality: Flesh this out. To be a 3-dimensional person, Abram should have some qualities that can be used in a positive way as well as all the negative. Maybe he's a good planner. Maybe he's clever with words, or resilient, or always finishes what he starts.
  • History: Why was he held back a year? Also, remember that Otis and Abram have the same set of parents. Obviously siblings are not all carbon copies of each other, but they've got one complete jerk of a son and one who's the complete opposite. Do they simply sit back and watch Otis get beat up by his brother?

Abram seems a bit one-dimensional - the 'bully' character. Everything about him points back to this, even his favourite animal and pet tarantula. Real people are a lot more nuanced than this. If you've read Harry Potter, think about Dudley - yes, he was a bully, but he was more than just a bully and we can see where his bad character traits came from (spoilers: they were constantly reinforced by his parents). I would say Dudley was motivated by wanting to be the one in charge and constantly have his way, and sometimes this led to hurting others directly.

All in all, I would recommend developing Abram more.

@Riorlyne pets

@Lightningclaw13 - Here goes!

Kaden

  • Overview: It could be helpful to put how Kaden got those particular nicknames, especially those that aren't derived from his given name (Tiger, Captain, etc.)
  • Looks: Is there a reason Kaden chooses non-human features like grey sclera and orange hair when he appears human? He will look non-human to those around him. How did he get his scars?
  • Nature: "Apologizes to Talia for what he did when they're alone" isn't exactly a mannerism. Is this something he constantly does when (happy/sad/nervous)? If not, it might better fit under backstory.
    Why does he enjoy learning about human culture if he hates all humans?
  • Social:
    • Religion: Agnosticism is the belief that nothing is known or can be known about the existence of God/Deities, etc. But Kaden formerly worshipped the Dark Being and was created by the puppet of the Dark Being. Does he actually believe that the Dark Being doesn't exist?
    • Occupation: Is Kaden still working on destroying the world? From his backstory it seems he's abandoned that way of life.
    • Languages: It's cool that you're using an existing language for the demon characters! If you're planning on publishing your work though, you should make sure Enochian isn't copyrighted anywhere.
  • History: (Adding paragraphs to the background information would make it a lot easier to follow) I have some questions and suggestions below for making the backstory clearer.
    • You have a lot of information about how Kaden tortured the first young man. If this guy is not important to the story, consider being more brief so the more significant events in Kaden's backstory stand out.
    • Why does Kaden leave his victims alive, especially since he was created to "kill those who oppose his creator"?
    • Can Kaden be killed? He is listed as immortal.
    • Would Talia not already know that Kaden is non-human, as he previously burned her hands with his electric powers? (Also because of his choice of hair and eye colours?)
    • The 'innocent girl cures evil boy of his evilness through the power of Love/Forgiveness' can be a cliché if not handled well. Think about why Kaden changes. How did he and Talia become friends? What do they have in common? How strong is his urge to kill those who oppose his creator, and does it cause conflict with his feelings for Talia? What happens to his love of torturing people? Does he still have any loyalty to Tristan?
      Also, how does Talia know how to heal a demon?
  • Health: Kaden seems more sadistic than masochistic as from what I read he derives pleasure from hurting people, but it doesn't look like he enjoys people hurting him.

Altogether I can tell you've put a lot of thought into Kaden and his backstory. I think a little more development around how he changes after meeting Talia would help us to understand his character better.

@Riorlyne pets

@Lightningclaw13 - Next one!

Mina

  • Looks: Again, is there a reason Mina chooses to look non-human when she could probably get closer to humans to destroy them if she looked human?
  • Nature: I understand that Mina was created by Tristan/Dark Being and therefore may not have a well-rounded personality, but it seems a little strange for everything in this section to revolve around her sexuality. Also, sex requires a partner, and none are mentioned here. She thinks humans are inferior so it seems unlikely that she would seduce them. From her profile I'm guessing she was created to be Tristan's partner?
    Mina's personality traits and flaws seem to contradict each other. It would be good to clarify how she is arrogant and allocentric, and venomous while being cheerful and uncomplaining.
  • Social: Mina's occupation is listed as "Destroyer of the World" yet in her backstory it is unknown why she was created. These don't seem to match.
    How is her body her favourite weapon? Do you mean like martial arts (if so, which style), or her looks (if so, how does she use them as a weapon)?
  • History: It may not be revealed in-story why Mina was created, but it is important for you, the author, to know this.
  • Sexuality: I'm unsure whether it would be within character for an aromantic person to constantly flirt and enjoy reading romance novels, but as I am not aromantic, I can't be the judge of that one.

At the moment it seems like a lot of Mina revolves around her liking sex. That's fine to include in her personality and could make sense if she was created for that purpose, but if you intend for her to be a well-rounded character she probably needs a bit more substance.

@Riorlyne pets

Xylas

  • Looks: How does Xylas have heterochromia if they can change all aspects of their appearance at will? Also, I would nearly expect them, as the demon that is most interested in humans, to be the one who would change their appearance to most resemble humans, but their hair is green and skin grey, and their eyes different colours. Why is this?
  • Nature: Welllll… seeing what the other demon has done to humans I'm not surprised Xylas thinks humans hate them. XD
  • Social:
    • Occupation: Destroyer of the world doesn't seem to fit with everything else Xylas likes doing. Are they still in that job? Or do they do something else with their life now?
    • Weapon: Shapeshifting is good, but which animal/weapon?
  • History: How is Xylas so sympathetic to humans when, like Kaden and Mina, they were created to destroy the world and be loyal to the Dark Being? Did something go wrong? Why was Xylas created hastily? How did they get their scars?
  • Health: Where did Xylas's IED come from? They seem otherwise rather docile.
  • Clothes: Why does Xylas wear a suit?

(Also, I am not well-practised with using they/them in the singular, so I apologise for any slip-ups I may have made.)

@Lightningclaw13 group

@Riorlyne

Kaden
Overview: It'll be explained how in the story I'm making for him.

Looks: Orange hair isn't really a strange hair color in my universe. He used to have his sclera white but when he got his scars, he gave up on trying to hide it. (His scar color is dependent on what color his sclera is) His visible face scar is from Talia when she found him in the woods. His other scar will be explained in the story.

Nature: It happens when he gets sad. (Sometimes he'll just start thinking about it and will get sad from that.) Everything he learns about human culture is from her understanding and how she views things. That's why he's ok with it.

Social

  • Religion: Ok, I changed it to Apatheism, because he knows they exist but just doesn't really care anymore. He wants to live for himself, gods or no gods.
  • Occupation: Oh, I forgot to change that! Formally he was but now he's just looking out for Talia and himself. (It's not really an occupation)
  • Languages: From what I can tell, it's not. It was made back in the late 16th century.

History: I'm gonna do that for all my characters! I have no idea why I didn't in the first place.

  • He will be important!
  • I changed it to "kill or weaken (emotionally/physically) those who oppose his creator"
  • He can only be killed by either of the gods of the world. He can still he but though.
  • I should have said this but, magic is not just for demons in my universe. Humans could have Electricity Magic. Also, he disguised himself when they met the first time and until he attacked her. (I added that in by the way) And at that time, he had no scars on his face and both of his eyes were visible (and normal looking).
  • Most of this will be explained in my story (or a short spin-off story). I will say his urge to kill and torture is very much still there. He can hold it off to a point but sometimes will go off and kill, which Talia hates. (They actually have a huge fight over it.) They do eventually find a better way he can get these urges out, by killing/torturing those deemed criminals. He has no loyalty to Tristan at all. Kaden's will to defend him is still there but it doesn't make him wanna go back to him.
  • She more so just cleans the cuts. She wasn't gonna take him to a healer because they'd refuse to help a demon. I changed it "help him" instead of "heal him".

Health: He does, he just doesn't really like to show it. (It was more prominent when he worked for Tristan.) But from reading just that, it does seem he's just sadistic.

Thank you! I've tried too.

Mina
Looks: As I said with Kaden, strange hair colors aren't really strange in my universe. People still dye their hair so it's normal. The only thing that really gives her away is her teeth and if people look closely at her hands.

Nature: Yes, but she's honestly a whore. But she doesn't do it just for her own pleasure (though a big a part of it is) she gets information from these people. She also has a "friends with benefits" thing going on with Kaden (before he left). Tristan is her main guy though. As for her traits, she's venomous toward humans and allocentric toward Tristan.

Social: It's unknown to the heroes. Same with her other job, getting info out of people.
It's her looks. She flaunts off her body and can get basically anything she wants from people. (Not really with demons though)

History: I changed it to where her job, "She spends a lot of her time getting information out of others by seducing them or by other means. She might kill them afterward, depending on who they are, how high up they are and how much information they gave her" is shown.

Sexuality: Honestly, I've had a hard time trying to pinpoint what she would be. I think now I can say she's just completely pansexul and panromantic. She doesn't want any relationship though, except with Tristan. They're not really in one but she wants to be.

For me, I think she's one of the harder characters to write/think of things. I do hope to make her a little rounded but not completely. Thank you though!

Xylas
Looks: Their heterochromia is due to them being created in a rush. They do when they're out and about. (But not when they get their scar) Though, at one point, they just stop doing that to show that not all demons are bad.

Nature: Yeah Xylas, the rest of your race are jerks. XD

Social

  • Occupation: I put that as formally. Now, they don't really have a "job" per-say. Just somewhat helping the heroes.
  • Weapon: A wolf, most of the time! (omg i just realized i made them a furry)

History: It was do to their hasty creation. When Tristan realized Kaden wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed, he thought he'd made another demon. But as he had many things going through his mind, he rushed it.
How they got their scars will be explained/shown in the story.

Health: Their rushed creation.

Clothes: They think it makes them look professional.

It's fine! I slip-up too sometimes.

Again, thank you for the critiques! They helped a lot!

@JordenMor

This is my main character and her sister getting breakfast on the way to school.

On the way to school is Galaxy of Glee, the best tea place around. I
like the poetry nights there. So much creativity! Anyways, Galaxy of Glee is
so good. They have every kind of tea someone could think of. If they don’t
have it, they’ll get it within a month or make it! There’s never been an issue
there, as far as I’m aware of. Every month, I see a jar to donate money and
every month, it gets filled up.
So when Mariana and I get there, I’m jumping with joy. On the
outside, it looks like a cute little rinky dink cafe. Traditional wood helped
create a friendly entrance. On the inside, 16 tables were scattered about the
floor. Being shorter than average at my age, everything felt bigger. To me,
the whole place felt like it was for elves or giants! Calm, earthy tones
helped compliment the ideas, it’s purpose and those it attracted! I loved
seeing it so much. There was a Poet’s Tree on the south wall, a Tree of Life
on the north wall and a children’s area on the East end. Galaxy of Glee
was a 24/7 place. The only time they were closed was when it was a pagan
holiday, though I could never remember which one was in each place.
I went up to the counter and smiled. The kind lady, who I called
Mama Tera, was there. She was already making Mariana’s vanilla chai tea
latte. Mariana always got the same thing.
“Alli dear, what would you like?” Mama Tera’s voice was as smooth
as ever.
“Something minty and chocolatey please.” I began to get out my wallet
when she spoke again.
“No need, dear. You come here so often. This one is on the house.”
Mama Tera went to make my tea. “So, Allania, See any boys you like
yet?”
“Not yet. I got to talk to my soulmate this morning though.”
“Oh really? He or she?”
“No sure. I can’t wait to be able to say ‘Hello. My name is Allania
Reynova Luebke.’ That would be amazing.”
“Dear, you still dream too big.”
“Oh. I forgot. Sorry.” My voice went quiet, remembering Mama Tera’s
lesson.
Mama Tera had talked with her soulmate for 20 years and then…it
stopped. Later, she found out her soul mate had been killed. She hasn’t
found a new match yet and that was 10 years ago.
Mama Tera gave me my tea and grinned.
“Sweetheart, it’s ok. People do forget me easily. Just relax and do good
in school. Build your home.”
I grabbed the drink before heading out with Mariana.

I know it's short but it's a snipit.

@Riorlyne pets

@JordenMor - Okay, here goes! Inline feedback on this Google doc here, and more general comments below.

  • Tense: Make sure you tell your story using a consistent tense. Flipping back and forth between past tense and present tense can be confusing to the reader.
  • Soulmates: Sounds like you've got some interesting elements relating to soulmates in your story! I take it that people can somehow communicate with their soulmate but not actually meet them? It would be interesting to see your twist on the topic. Make sure that you've got a solid idea of how it works in your world, because that will help you get it across in a realistic way to your reader. You don't want to have an infodump giving the reader all the information all at once, but I think that the conversation between Alli and Mama Tera could benefit from the reader knowing a little bit more about how soulmates work in your world.

@Riorlyne pets

Hi @Born_Confuzzled_Chameleon ! I notice that I've already critiqued your characters Otis and Abram before, so I will only have a couple of comments for them.

Otis

  • Identifying marks: Again, bruises are not permanent. What makes him look different from other boys his size and colouring?
  • Nature: Add to his flaws, mannerisms, prejudices, hobbies, and talents. Think about the people you know. They have more than one flaw or thing they're good at, right? So should Otis. Also, keep in mind that people often have hobbies that they're not particularly talented in, or are good at things they don't necessarily want to do, so although hobbies and talents often line up, that's not always the case.
  • Politics: Good start. How does his view of violence = bad, kindness = good play out when things get more complex? Does he think war is bad? What about someone punching someone in self-defence? Does he object to the death penalty? What about kindness - how would he view a teacher who shows kindness to someone he knows to be a bully behind the teacher's back?
  • Backstory: I would suggest doing a bit of research into depression to find out how it affects boys of his age and what the recovery process is. I'm not an expert on the subject so unfortunately I can't give you particular help here.

Abram

  • Mannerisms: When does he play with his hair? What are the little things he does when he's angry, nervous, happy, embarrassed, scared, etc.
  • Motivations: Again, you as the author need to know WHY he hates Otis. Does he resent the fact that Otis gets more attention from their parents? Does he think Otis is weak? Does he have unresolved anger and hate towards someone else and he's able to take it out on Otis without consequences?
  • Politics: How does Abram decide whether a person is good or bad? Does he base his judgments on looks? Weath? Strength? Intelligence? (probably not kindess) How much they respect him?
  • Backstory: Why does he resort to bullying? Kids tend to not bully just out of nowhere. Think about all the examples of bullying we have from the Harry Potter franchise: Dudley bullies because of his father's bad example and his parents giving in to his every whim. Malfoy bullies because he thinks he's better than halfbloods/muggleborns (due again to his father's bad example), and he's spoiled. James Potter bullies because it amuses his friends and gets him attention - he also probably justifies his bullying because it's directed at people he thinks are worse than him. Snape bullies partly because he grew up in a love-poor family and was bullied himself at school, and doesn't deal with his anger and grief appropriately. I've simplified the reasons quite a lot but I'm sure you can see that bullying and 'being evil' doesn't just pop up one day just because.

Annika

  • Identifying marks: Imagine Annika is standing in a line of girls with medium skintone, brown hair and brown eyes, and similar body shape to her. How would you point her out to a detective?
  • Motivations: What does living life well mean to Annika? Being good? Making money and living comfortably? Changing people's lives for the better? Having fun? Staying healthy? Not many people would want to 'live life badly', so you need more detail on this.
  • Prejudices: I'm not sure what you mean by this. If by style you mean fashion (like hair and clothes) is she prejudiced against people who don't dress conservatively (e.g., people who dye hair pink, have multiple piercings, tattoos, dress like the opposite sex, uneven haircut, rips in jeans, etc.)? Because not all members of the LGBT community dress like this, and not everyone who dresses like this is a member of the LGBT community. And what does she assume about them? A prejudice is a 'preconceived opinion that is not based on reason or actual experience'. So, for example, a realistic prejudice for a character might be 'John believes people who don't speak English are unintelligent' or 'Suzy believes people who own guns are violent' or 'Boris assumes that women can't be good at math'.
  • Talents, hobbies: She would probably have more than one. The more detail you can give her, especially as she's your main character, the better.
  • Personality type: Is she an introvert or an extrovert or somewhere in between? How easily does she express her feelings? Is she observant? How easily does she pick up on the feelings of others, and how does she react to them? Is she more of a planner, or more spontaneous? Does she keep her thoughts to herself, or does she share them? Does she make choices rationally or based on emotion?
  • Backstory: It's unclear whether Annika is still homeschooled and whether she has any other siblings. Does she have friends other than Otis? Also, why did her parents choose to homeschool her?

You've got a good start to Annika. :) I would recommend adding more detail to bring her to life, especially in the categories in the Nature tab (personality, etc.)

@CW-BornConfuzzledLeftILoveYa

"Imagine Annika is standing in a line of girls with medium skintone, brown hair and brown eyes, and similar body shape to her. How would you point her out to a detective?"

Be like "It's me,Lassie! It's me!" and jump up and down. Yep, Annika is legit me. But with braces.

Lara

This is a prologue about the meeting of the main characters two parents. I am not sure what state it is in.

Elizabeth’s hair was dyed hot pink at the ends, but the rest was deep auburn in color. Her long curls swayed gently across her back as she quickly walked along the unfamiliar path of Phoenix, Arizona.
There were families throughout the park, many children playing on the swingset or sprinting down the abundant pathways of the surrounding the rural desert. A large tree bloomed bright purple in the center of the park leaving petals everywhere and giving the air a smell similar to that of warm honey.
It was a particularly sultry day shown by the sweat soaked into Elizabeth’s navy blue shirt; children also seemed to be aware as many of them were arriving in swimsuits. Elizabeth thought this to be odd as there was no pool or splash pad but she disregarded it quickly, thinking they were sure to have their own reasonings.
She was cutting through the park, heading towards the path she needed to walk on, when it started to rain, or so she thought. A large sprinkler was going off filling the children with excitement as they cooled off in the crisp water. Elizabeth rolled her chocolate colored eyes in disgust. She had a purpose, and it wasn’t finding a cheap way to cool off. She was a special agent for the World Wide Spies in Disguise, or WWSD for short. The agency had recently detected an odd sector that wasn’t showing up on any of their devices, and to top it off there had been several human disappearances in the area. Someone had to be sent in, so they opted for their top agent. A young lady with no living family or loved ones who was willing to risk her life. Naturally, Elizabeth accepted.
Once she reached the pathway she walked for about 20 minutes, clearing over a mile of desert terrain. Finally, upon reaching “the hole in the earth,” as her boss had put it Elizabeth took a step toward the unknown abyss. There was a dramatic temperature drop; what had been 100-degree weather was now a mere 75. The area grew foggy and suspiciously quiet. The ground was full of pliant orange material and a sulfur smell hung in the air. About to step deeper into “the hole,” she saw a man's shadow flickering behind her as if illuminated by a dying candle.
“I wouldn’t go any closer if I were you,” he said, “it’s dangerous, you might fall, like the others.” His voice held an accent, but Elizabeth couldn't quite place it; Even though she had been all over the world.
She quickly spun around in time to see a formally dressed man with impossibly light skin and even lighter hair. He seemed to have stepped out of a black and white movie, as his clothes also held no color. His shirt, a black and grey, short sleeve button down, was peculiarly arranged in floral patterns. Along with this he had freshly ironed black shorts, and gladiator style black sandals. Strapped to his side using a green rope that looked awfully like a living plant, was a glinting sword, dark silver in color, the hilt an odd entanglement of purple flowers. Elizabeth was about to pull out her own gun, but thought better of it. He was not making any attempt to draw his weapon, and she suspected that it would not have much effect on him anyway. When she looked back up at his face she almost leaped into "the hole" from surprise. His eyes glinted in a unnatural purple color, as if lavender and wild indigo flowers were growing uncultivated through his irises, the colors constantly shifting from an imaginary wind.
His tall, skinny frame was strong like he often worked in a gym and regularly fought his own battles. He had smudges of dirt across his knees, elbows, and hands, that contrasted greatly with his pale skin. A thin scar cut across his otherwise unblemished face, highlighting his strong jaw and hollow cheeks. He was much more handsome than most men Elizabeth encountered, he seemed to know it to, the way he held himself in confidence. Perhaps that was his flaw, a horrible personality. Surely, she thought, he would be an arrogant jerk. Someone with this beautiful of an outward appearance couldn’t also be kind. He is here to distract me, he’s muddling my thoughts keeping me from my mission. Another enemy I am trying to vanquish.
His voice suddenly broke the silence, deep, strong, and pleasant in manner. “I actually am not the enemy, believe it or not,” he spoke slowly, “on the contrary I’m here to help, but first, as a show of your trust, I need to know who you are.”
“And I need to know what you're doing here,” she quickly replied,“But I suppose that neither of us are going to get what we want?”
“I am sorry, but you are sadly mistaken miss,” he commented, casually bringing a fresh apple out of his pocket and taking a bite. “I know the answer to both of our questions, I just wanted to see if you would easily give up information.”
“No, I do not give up answers easily, and you sir, do not know who I am,” Elizabeth confidently answered. She had been trained thoroughly and knew that many suspicious looking people would try vigorously to get her to give away her position but she wasn't going to fall for it.
“Are you sure about that, Ms. Elizabeth Maria Livi Cooper?” he asked.
This really took Elizabeth back, because not only did he know her first and last names, but he also knew both her middle name. A secret she didn’t share with anyone, not even the agency. She simply left out Maria when sharing her full name with people.
She may have been shaken on the inside but she didn't want him to know that. “Well, we are never going to have a formal conversation without me knowing what your name is, and as I am not a criminal, I will ask politely. So, what shall your name be sir?”
“Fair enough but you will never believe me.” he spoke, surprising Elizabeth by how easy it was to get his information. “My name is,” he said a word that sounded as if a hive of bees was burying a cow; a combination of buzzes and terrifying deep noises in the background of a sound much like that of a shovel hitting dirt. I could try to spell his name but it would look as if I slammed my face on the keyboard, and besides where he came from they did not have the same alphabet as you and I.
Elizabeth chuckled lightly, she didn’t understand in the slightest, but also knew that he was telling the truth.
The man obviously understood. Of course, she could barely fathom what he had said much less say it. “For now you may call me… Josh? Yes, that will do just fine.”
“Where do you come from?” She asked after some length of silence.
“I come from a land in a different dimension. The closest translation of what my people call that place in your language would be ‘deep rabbit nest’ but that is nowhere near what we describe it as.”
“Okay, Josh, if you live in another dimension then why are you here?” She asked.
“Because…” Josh spoke with urgency in his voice, but was quickly cut off, something was happening. The ground began to shake and rumble, but only in the “hole in the Earth” everywhere else seemed to be perfectly fine, the birds continued to playfully skip from cactus to cactus, and the ground squirrels happily burrowed into the ground, completely ignorant of what was happening nearby.
“Hold this,” He demanded, stumbling around, Elizabeth quizzically took the half eaten apple from him. Josh dug a small hole in the ground pouring a packet of unlabeled seeds into the earth. Instantly the seeds burst leaving what appeared to be grape vines curling around the floor. The rumbling stopped. “That should hold it, for now.”
The two of them continued to talk for hours in the little 75 degree bubble, being careful not to venture deeper into the center. Elizabeth started to fall for the young man, he was confident in every word he spoke as if he knew all the wonders of the world, and perhaps he did. His eyes twinkled in the Arizona sunlight, but also held despair as if he was carrying the weight of the world, a burden to heavy, even for him. He was strong, allowing Elizabeth to feel for the first time in a while, that she could rely on him. Maybe he was from another place, but what stopped her from going with him. She saw a few sign that he might be drawn to her too which she wasn’t used to. Why would someone like him love a spy who had caused the end of countless people's lives, someone who came and went with no strings to tie her down. Then again she also supposed that he was similar. He was from another universe after all, and the sadness in his eyes showed he’d seen hardships as well.
When Elizabeth returned to the agency she reported no problems claiming that it must have been a glitch. She remained in touch with Josh for several years. Until she suddenly passed away.

@Riorlyne pets

@Lightningclaw13 - Okeyday, here goes. :)

Ayana

  • Eyes: Just wanted to point out that heterochromia iridis is very rare, affecting about 0.6% of people, and this is your second character I've seen with this trait. Is this a more commonly occurring physical trait in this universe?
  • Flaws: How is Ayana a pest? What are her annoying behaviours?
  • Prejudices: Does this extend to all men, too? For example, what would she think about an unmarried man, or a married man without children?
  • Talents: There should be some things Ayana is good at. You mentioned she is tender-hearted - is she good at picking up on people's emotions and perhaps comforting them?
  • Personality type: you could go into a bit more detail on this, depending how much Ayana is going to figure into your story.
  • Religion: Not just for Ayana, but I noticed that a lot of your characters have either Light Being Worship or Dark Being Worship as their religion. How do these two differ? Do followers of the same religion have different beliefs at all? How do these religious beliefs pan out for a seven-year-old? (For example, a seven-year-old whose family is mainstream Christian might go to church on Sunday, pray before eating, pray to God at bedtime, etc.)
  • Politics: Again, what does this look like for Ayana? Does she follow her mother's beliefs and values?
  • Favourite possession: As a kid who moved around a lot, I definitely had favourite possessions because they were something constant in the midst of changing friends, homes and cultures. This may not be the case for Ayana, but I think normally at seven there would probably be some things she owns that she would hate to be parted from.
  • Background: Please put paragraph spacing in your characters' backstories. It makes them a lot easier to follow.
    Poor Ayana. That's a terrible childhood to have had, so far. It would be helpful to add how old she was when she was adopted by Karla and Tristan. Why did Eden give Ayana to the orphanage when her abusive husband was out of the picture? Also, this may depend on what your universe was like, but if it's like the western world at all, Eden would probably be under trial for killing her husband and Ayana's testimony would be helpful, so did anything come of that?
    Lastly, have you thought through how her childhood trauma has impacted Ayana emotionally and mentally? I notice you've got PTSD under 'health', so how does that affect Ayana's life?
  • Sexuality: Do you need this for Ayana? It seems a bit out of place as she is only seven, after all.
  • Clothing: Not a critique, but I notice for most of your characters you've given them one very detailed outfit. This detail is great, but I would imagine that your characters (especially the humans) have more than one outfit in their wardrobe and maybe will change clothes during the course of the story. It can be helpful to have information about a character's clothing style in general as well as specific articles of clothing.

Lily

  • I really like the name Lilypad. :)
  • Identifying marks: Is Lily permanently blind? Does she wear the blindfold to cover unsightly scars or are her eyes just healing?
  • Flaws: Lily is 12 and still illiterate? This is not addressed in your backstory, and since Ayana has a year-2 equivalence of education, it doesn't make sense that her sister would have no education.
  • Talents: Why is she good at calming Ayana? Is she gentle? Funny? Is it due to her magic? Does she sing good lullabies? What else is she good at?
  • Personality: So far she sounds very similar to Ayana. This is possible, but what makes her different from her younger sister? In her backstory, it says that with Ayana, together they could do everything, so how does each girl's strengths balance the other's weaknesses?
  • Magic: How does she feel about her abilities? How does she use them?
  • Education: Having a 7th-grade equivalence in education and not be able to read at all seems off. Remember that even blind people can learn to read and write Braille. Illiterate does mean 'unable to read or write', but it has the connotation of having very little formal education, which it appears doesn't apply to Lily.
  • Backstory: I was expecting to find out where the claw marks over her eyes came from, but the backstory didn't say. This is a major thing affecting this character. Either she was born with them and grew up blind or at least disfigured (and may have faced teasing from classmates/others at the orphanage) or something traumatic happened to her, which would affect her more than just physically. Losing one's sight is a big deal. If she is newly blind, how did this affect her, and how have her hobbies/interests changed?

Karla

  • Identifying marks: how did she get those scars?
  • Motivation: how far is Karla willing to go to keep her daughters safe? Would she kill or attack someone she saw as a threat?
  • Flaws: I'm not sure how 'enervated' is a flaw, since many people are tired… do you mean that she lacks motivation or loses motivation easily?
  • Prejudices: One of these is very broad - how far does her 'no one can be trusted' go? Does she trust her friends or her daughters? What about herself? What about the Light Being that she used to worship?
  • Nature: As a whole you could put a lot more detail into this section as it looks like Karla is your main character.
  • Religion: It sounds like she lost confidence in this Light Being. Does she believe that the Light Being and Dark being exist? I think atheism implies she doesn't believe they exist, but I can't find a word for knowing-they-exist-and-not-following-either so atheism is probably the closest choice.
  • Politics: How are her beliefs and values liberal? What does she support, and what is she against?
  • Backstory: What did Karla do in between finishing her schooling (it sounds like there's a normal western schooling system) and marrying Tristan? Was she living at home? If not, did she work to support herself? Was she working toward some kind of career?
    Why did she marry Tristan when their relationship kept breaking up due to his violent and angry outbursts? She seems very intelligent, and being pessimistic she might assume that Tristan was not going to improve. Was she too trusting, blinded by love, had bad advice from family/friends, manipulated by Tristan?
    Again, I was expecting to find out about her scars. Is it due to this event that she's partially blind? Many elements of her character sheet refer to this, so it seems important for it to be explained in the backstory.

Tristan

  • Race: What other features besides red eyes manifest in Tristan due to his part-demon-ness?
  • Motivations: What is he motivated by with the Dark Being? Motivated to worship the Dark Being? Obey it? Do you mean that he is basically controlled by the Dark Being? If so, what does the Dark Being want?
  • Prejudices: It may be helpful to flesh out his prejudices, especially if he is a key character in your story.
  • Talents: What type of fighting, and why? (For example, a master at fencing probably knows very little about Taekwondo, and someone may be good in a fight due to agility, speed, strength, quick-thinking, thinking outside the box, strategy, or any combination of the above.) What are his other talents? (Think of if Karla had to tell someone what he was good at - it wouldn't just be, "Oh, he's great at fighting! He's such a good fighter.")
  • Religion: I notice that he was formerly an atheist (whereas his wife was formerly a Light Being worshipper). Did they have any conflict in this area?
  • Occupation: I understand if he doesn't have a formal occupation after he's been taken over by the Dark Being, but what did he do before? Karla is a housewife, so where did the resources come from to provide for them and their two girls? What did he do between education and marrying Karla? Did he get work or begin pursuing a career?
  • Backstory: Having seen your demon characters, I'm a little confused. Kaden, for example, was created by Tristan, and has been around for at least 2 years. However, Tristan's backstory stops before creating any demons, so it's missing a significant chunk of what makes him who he is now. Remember that these character sheets are designed to have all relevant information about your characters in them, not just what you want your readers to know at the beginning of your story. To have a complete backstory, you'll have to include the spoilers.
    With the encroaching blackness on Tristan's arm, wouldn't his wife notice and be worried? I feel like having known Tristan for so long, an intelligent (and focused-on-the-negatives) woman like Karla might have picked up that after his angry episodes, the blackness has spread. She's the one who knows him best and has probably seen him naked, after all. He wouldn't be able to hide something as obvious as his arm being black up to the elbow. A birthmark is one thing, but a defect that spreads might make one think of cancer, and subsequently cause alarm.
    Also, seeing as Tristan's primary motivation prior to being taken over by the Dark Being was his family's safety, wouldn't he want to do something about a force inside him causing him to act more violently and erratically?

These questions are not mainly for you to answer here but for you to keep in mind as you continue to develop your characters. :) I hope that they can help!

@Lightningclaw13 group

@Riorlyne - Thank you so much! Before I get into each of them, I just wanted to say I spaced out the backstories into different paragraphs. (I have no idea as to why I hadn't before)

Ayana

  • Eyes: It's only those two. Xylas was created in a rush, that's why they have it. Ayana's just a normal human.
  • Flaws: I put in (Pokes people and whines to get attention, Interrupts conversations)
  • Prejudices: No, just those with kids.
  • Talents: I put comforting others.
  • Personality type: I think as I write the story, more will come. (I just need to write, heh)
  • Religion: The main difference is who wants who to rein. Light Being Worship wants the Light Being to and Dark Being Worship wants the Dark Being to.
    As for Ayana, she'll go to the temple with her family to worship or she'll talk about it to to others.
  • Politics: She follows her mother's beliefs and values.
  • Favorite possession: Her Dad never let her have anything. She only had her sister and Mother. (I would for any other kid but Ayana is a special case.)
  • Background: She was 5 (I added that in).
    She emotionally couldn't handle raising Ayana. She would have but she went completely off the grid. No one has seen her since she dropped off Ayana.
    Oh, yeah. She's still pretty happy but if someone raises their hand at her, she jumps and gets really scared. She's even still scared of her friend's father (even though he's really sweet). There's probably more I'll add later.
  • Sexuality: She's not openly going to find a guy, I just have it there for my own reference.
  • Clothing: I'm still trying to figure out that. I think I will but I just need to do it.

Lily

  • I do too!
  • Identifying marks: She's permanently blind and uses the blindfold to cover the scars.
  • Flaws: She used to be able to read but since she's blind, she can't anymore.
  • Talents: She's very gentle and her magic does help as well. She usually hums to her or just holds her (I put that in). She's also a very good listener.
  • Personality: She's the more calm and cautious of the two. Wanting to make sure they'll be safe. But Ayana help get her out as she wouldn't otherwise. (More will probably be added later)
  • Magic: She's kinda scared of it. She has no one to tell her how it works so she fears it. She only really uses it to help calm Ayana down. Even then, she worries if it's doing harm.
  • Education: She used to be able to but she became blind at 12. There's also no braille in this universe so she has no way of reading.
  • Backstory: It's shown/explained in the story (that I really need to write down). She always liked listening to things so in that aspect, it didn't affect her too much. She's scared and depressed about it.

Karla

  • Identifying marks: It's shown/explained in the story.
  • Motivation: She mostly just yells. She'd attack if they looked like they were going to.
  • Flaws: She lacks motivation.
  • Prejudices: I changed it to no one can be trusted 100%. She trusts others but never 100%. She trusts parts of herself. The Light Being she doesn't even believe in anymore.
  • Nature: I plan to as I write out the story.
  • Religion: Yeah, she doesn't believe they exist. She's lost all faith.
  • Politics: She mainly wants everyone to be equal.
  • Backstory: She was just living at home.
    She was blinded by love and trusted him 100%. (He didn't manipulate her at all)
    It'll happen during the story. (Though, reading through all this you might have figured it out)

Tristan

  • Race: His black arm.
  • Motivations: He's controlled by them. (They want utter chaos and turmoil.) But the heroes don't know this.
  • Prejudices: I probably will as I write the story.
  • Talents: He's good at striking. He's also really good with his magic.
  • Religion: They had some but it wasn't really bad.
  • Occupation: (I still need to figure that out tbh)
  • Backstory: I really should write everything down but I've just got to get motivation to do it.
    Yes, she did notice. She was extremely worried but didn't know if she should bring it up. She was scared in a way but still loved him.
    He didn't know what to do. If he had gone to a healer or someone like that, they'd call him a demon and probably try and kill him. He was still human and death terrified him.

This helps a lot! Thank you so very much!

@Zen

@Riorlyne - This is a flashback for one of my characters in my project, could you give me feedback on what I could potentially improve in the future?

I stand over him, trembling with the gun in my hand. This is what I've wanted for weeks, but now I regret it. He drugged my sister and then did things to her, I shouldn't not want to kill him, but there's no going back now.
"Mike, come on man, you know I didn't do anything to your sister." He pleads to me. I draw the gun up to him, aiming it directly at his head. "Oh… oh god. Don't… please don't-" and bang. The bullet tore straight through the base his head. I look at the gun and shudder, gallons of adrenaline pumping through my veins. My eyes draw back to his lifeless body, as his brains spew out onto the carpet. The sound of police sirens echo through the streets, getting closer and closer with every passing second. I hear them and rush out of the building. For what seemed like hours, I sprinted through the street, pushing many people out of the way as I still tightly grip the gun in my hands. The cops were right behind me, all of them ordering me to freeze and drop my weapon, but I didn't listen, I just ran. I make my way to an alley and sprint down it at top speeds. Another cop car blocks the end of the alley as the others were still behind me. I stop dead in my tracks and turn around, drawing my gun to them. The cops stop running before taking out their guns.
"Drop it. Now." One of the cops get out of the car behind me, his shotgun directed at me. I weigh my odds and drop the gun, raising both my hands in the air. A cop moves behind me and checks me for any other weapons while another picks up the gun. The cop behind me handcuffs me and begins moving me to the car.
"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and–"
"Will be used against you in the court of law." I finish the cop's statement.
He smiles and says, "Smart cookie, this one is." He moves me to the car and places me in the back seat. This is what happens when you look for vengeance, you sit down in a seat of cop car, awaiting to be escorted to the nearest prison. I wonder how my sister's doing, but I don't want to see me. Not like this.

Lara

Oh and on mine about her parents meeting, I think that it is not a rough draft as I have read it through and edited it several times along with having some other people read it through.