forum Flying in a dream, stars by the pocketful. You wanting me tonight feels impossible

Started July 09, 2023 by @emilyevewrites group

tune

Rosaline swallowed heavily as Horst held out his hand. She reached for it and slipped her slender fingers into his palm. Her hand was still trembling slightly, and she prayed he wouldn’t notice it even though he almost definitely would.

Which her full-blown panic attack had subsided, there were still little snippets of anxiety circling her mind. One of which almost made her physically shiver.

If the biopsy came back negative, why would you start to feel symptoms again?

Would she need to return to London and schedule another biopsy? And if she were in London again, would she see Nick? Her grip unintentionally tightened on Horst’s hand, but she swiftly shoved herself off the floor to cover the action. Let him think it was only a natural response to pull herself up. He didn’t need to know about Nick right now.

Horst quickly picked up on her anxiety as she swallowed and took his hand. Her trembling fingers immediately caught his attention, but he wasn’t too surprised, given what he’d already witnessed.

“It’s alright, Rosaline,”he cooed.

He felt her hand tighten just before she got to her feet, and questioned if the two actions were actually connected. If they were, it was no big deal. If they weren’t, then Rosaline was hiding even more anxiety. Eau Claire would call her a ‘cryptic’ for that, just like she did Horst. He didn’t mind, but other ‘cryptics’ were a pain in the ass to deal with, because he often had to open himself up to get them to do the same. He didn’t like doing that unless he was sure things would work out, and they rarely did.

“Where do you want to go from here? A chair? Another room? Just point the way,”Horst asked gently.

(OMG… the potential for a future argument between Rosaline and Eau Claire…)

Rosaline took a few breaths to calm herself before she attempted to stand again, this time with Horst's help. A sudden realization dawned on her. Horst had been saying her name the entire time with such gentleness, such patience, that she had never heard before.

Once she was standing, she clung to his hand rather tightly. It was pathetic how she needed to rely so heavily on someone to stand and pull herself free from her own nightmares. But her therapist had told her that her hyper-independence was the cause of her dysfunctional relationships. The least she could do now was accept Horst's help.

"To the sitting room," she answered, pointing down the hallway. "I don't know if you saw it when you came in or not, but it's just inside the front door on the left."

(Lmao! There is actually a lot of potential for an argument between the two. Eau Claire is a viciously jealous woman, and her eyes are set on Horst. She’s going to be biting a few heads off when she comes around, lol. There’s even potential for conflict between Eau Claire and Jacob. A ‘why didn’t you stop them from getting close’ sort of argument)

Horst didn’t mind the tight hold she had on his hand. It told him that she still needed, and was still willing, to have his help. And, Horst wasn’t going to neglect her, particularly since she had been courteous enough to take him in when he needed it.

“Alright. I think I saw it on my way in,”Horst replied softly.

He led her out of the room and toward the sitting room. He moved at an easy pace, so he wasn’t rushing Rosaline. He didn’t want her to feel like he was dragging her around. As he did so, he unconsciously rubbed the back of her hand with his thumb.

When they reached the sitting room, Horst led her toward the nearest and most comfortable-looking seat. He didn’t force her to sit down, in case she didn’t really want to, but he still wanted to be courteous.

(Ooooh, yes! Damn… this rp is going to be fucking intense XD)

Rosaline winced slightly as she tried to take her first few steps. She stumbled for a moment, tripping up over her own feet before easing into a slow pace beside Horst. Her body was finally starting to calm down, but her mind was still tumbling over itself. Since moving to the Isle, even since arriving, she hadn't had the time. Everything had been moving too fast.

The slow, subtle movement of his thumb over her hand was simple, but it worked wonders in calming Rosaline. She wasn't a touchy-feely person in the slightest. However, every now and again, she allowed someone in. Right now it was Horst. In response, Rosaline gave his hand a light squeeze.

When they finally reached the sitting room, Rosaline sank into the chair Horst guided her to. She closed her eyes and inclined her head back with a drawn-out exhale. Without opening her eyes, she spoke, "I'm sure you have questions."

(Yeah it is, lmao!)

Horst held her hand firmly but gently, acting as an anchor as she stumbled through her first steps. He then kept to his slow, easy pace as they walked, keeping an eye on her in case she stumbled again.

He finally realized that he was rubbing her hand when she squeezed his. It brought a light smile to his face and he, consciously, continued his little rubs. He loved simple touches like this, and it also showed that it was helping her, which made him even happier.

Horst gently let go of her hand as she sat down, and he found himself a seat in another chair close by. He then watched her, humming at her words.

“I do, but they can all wait. Right now, only one question matters to me. Are you okay? I know you’re going to be feeling rough for a bit after that panic attack, but I just want to be sure that’s all,”Horst replied.

Rosaline appreciated the firmness of his hand and the grip he provided. She couldn’t bear to look like a fool in front of a stranger— But was Horst still a stranger? She didn’t know much about him yet, sure, but… was he still a stranger?

The gentleness of his hand in hers was so different from anything else she’d ever felt. Yes, she’d held hands with other men before. But those situations, those relationships were so drastically different from this one right now.

She heard him lower himself into a chair and him at her question. His answer, however, surprised her. So much so that she opened her eyes and looked over at him. “Yes,” she answered quietly. “I’m fine. Or at least, I will be anyway.” Her expression relaxed as she added, “Thank you.”

Horst noticed the way she opened her eyes and figured that he’d surprised her. Though, he knew few people that would put their concern over their questions, so her surprise was warranted. He then nodded at her words.

“No problem, Rosaline.”

He watched her with a patient gaze, contemplating how quickly he’d opened up to Rosaline. Sure, he liked helping folks, but he was still guarded with them. With Rosaline… he felt a bit more comfortable around her. Why? Was it because of her kindness? Maybe. But, she did remind him of Eau Claire as well…

Horst decided to avoid going down that road. Once he started thinking of Eau Claire, Horst got distracted. And, he didn’t want to get distracted in case Rosaline needed his help still.

There it was again. The way he said her name. His accent and the softness of his voice presented it back to her in a way that was new and familiar at the same time. Rosaline just couldn’t place it.

She noticed the way he was looking at her, studying her in the present moment while also thinking of whatever was on his mind at the moment. What that was, Rosaline had no clue. But she recognized the look.

“If you have questions, I don’t mind you asking them now,” Rosaline prompted. If she was in Horst’s situation, the questions would have been flowing from her lips. Rosaline was a curious person, needing to know answers as often as she could.

Horst’s attention returned fully to reality when Rosaline spoke. He contemplated what to do, but decided to see what she wanted to do. He still didn’t want to push her.

“Some of them aren’t necessarily directed at you. I’ve had a lot on my mind for a while now. But, if you’re sure, I’ll ask. Otherwise, I’m in no hurry to question you. Or, maybe we could even do a back and forth thing, asking each other questions. I’m sure you have plenty of your own about me. However you want to do it,”Horst said.

It was a risk, he knew, offering to be interrogated. But, it was the least he could do. She had found him in bad shape, had offered him a place to stay, had given him new clothes, and had overall been courteous to him. He owed it to her to explain himself.

The longer Rosaline sat and relaxed, the more she felt her energy coming back into her body. Her muscles were releasing their tension, and her breathing was even and level. She was calming down, slowly but surely. Though she still didn’t want to move.

She nodded slowly at his suggestion. It was fair enough, especially since she had no knowledge of him before today and now he was living with her, albeit temporarily. “Alright. A question for a question,” she agreed. “Who will go first?”

Horst saw her slowly relaxing and was glad for it. She needed the rest, the relaxation. Clearly, she didn’t get a lot of that, and it was past time she did, even momentarily.

He hummed at her question, considering the answer. He typically preferred going first, so that he could gain more info quicker, and get in a few more tough questions before the other shut down. But, he decided to try something different. Another risk, but he still felt he owed it to Rosaline.

“You go ahead and ask first. You’ve shown me a considerable amount of courtesy, despite having no obligation to do so, so you’ve earned that,”Horst answered.

Rosaline was surprised when Horst allowed her the first question. Yes, she had many ready that she wanted to know, but she’d figured his would be more immediate. Obviously not.

Now the struggle drifted to which question to ask first. She didn’t want to ask meaningless questions, but she also didn’t want to go too deep too fast. She settled for a neutral question, similar to one Jacob had already asked in the taxi.

“Why have you come here?” she asked. “The Isle of Man. Laxey, even. What reason was there to come here?”

Horst waited patiently, aware that he’d surprised her again and that she had many questions. He didn’t mind waiting. The quiet always helped him think.

Horst chuckled when she finally spoke. She and Jacob had similar minds, it seemed. It was a neutral question and a good start to further questions. Though, if she would’ve dived right into the heart of things, he wouldn’t have really cared in that moment.

“I’m a wanderer. I’ve always loved exploring, traveling, and that sort of thing. I was actually on my way to Ireland, but I haven’t been here before, so I decided ‘why not’,”he answered.

Horst then took a moment to consider what question to ask her. Though he, of course, had many, one was nagging at him. It wasn’t exactly a neutral question, but it wouldn’t leave him alone.

“Why did you help me? A strange man, who, at the time, looked like he’d just walked out a swamp, that was sitting against a random building with nowhere to go. You could’ve just ignored me, maybe given directions to a hotel, or even just told me to ‘fuck off’. I wouldn’t have blamed you. So… why?”

Rosaline nodded at his answer. Well, he’d certainly fit the bill of a wanderer when she’d found him. And it seemed that her line of thought was unconsciously steered toward his question.

She couldn’t help a quiet laugh at his words, but then she took a deep breath and thought for a second. “I’ll try to keep my answer brief. It’s only been… what, a little over a week since I first set foot on the Isle. And it was five or six days ago when I decided I wanted to stay at Bayview.

“My sister and I talked about the potential of renting out the house before I made the choice to move into it. Our mother left the house to us in trust, so we can’t sell it. I quit my former job in London in hopes of applying for a promising one here. I have the interview scheduled for later this week, but I thought maybe renting the house out a room at a time to make extra money.

“With all that being said, the simplest answer is… you looked like you needed help,” she finished. “And I suppose part of me wanted to prove that I wasn’t a big city snob anymore. So there’s several reasons.”

It was only when she stopped talking that Rosaline paused and thought back on what she’d said. And she’s opened the doors to a lot more questions without even thinking about it.

(Imagine if her answer was “because if I ignored you or left you to sit there, this roleplay would’ve died within the first five responses” and the looks over at us lmao)

(Yeah, lmao!)

Horst nodded, then simply listened to her words. It explained quite a bit, but left just as many questions as it had answered. There was more going on here than he’d thought. Damn, he was out of it. Usually he would’ve picked up on that by now. He needed some decent food, and a very long nap.

“Well, I thank you for the kindness nonetheless. So… you’re from the city? London?”he asked.

He figured he go for something smaller, work his way up to the bigger questions. The more context he had before getting to the deep questions, the better he’d understand who and what he was dealing with.

Rosaline's expression softened at his thanks. "You're welcome," she replied simply. It felt like hardly anyone had thanked her for anything in a long time. Hearing the words was odd, but not unwelcome.

"Yes," she answered. "Well, yes and no. Originally from Manchester, then moved to London, and now I'm here." She readjusted herself to sit up a little straighter as her body began to become mobile again, and without hesitating, she transitioned into her next question their ping-ponging 'getting to know each other' conversation. "Where are you from?"

A small smile appeared on Horst’s face at her reply. It lingered a bit as he listened to her, intrigued by her words and comforted by her increasing mobility.

“Germany. The Black Forest, specifically. To be honest… though I have only told a rare few this… I’m not from any town. I was born in the forest itself, the wilderness. I didn’t know what a town looked like until I was… six? Eight? Probably closer to eight,”Horst answered.

He considered his next question for a bit before speaking. He still wanted to go slow with the questions, but he was already starting to get stumped. Fuck, he was tired. But, he had too much to think about to sleep. Fuck!

“Favorite childhood memory?”

Rosaline’s eyes widened with interest. He was from Germany? She’d always wanted to go the Germany, but she’d never gotten the chance to. Then his confession made her mouth drop open. “You were born in the middle of the woods?” she asked incredulously. “Wow…”

But his next question made Rosaline tense almost immediately. She would’ve tried not to show it, but her body reacted automatically and it was too late to stop it. Fuck. “I,” she began, but she stopped. Too many memories of her childhood and teenage years had a dark shadow cast over it. “I don’t have one,” she finally answered shortly.

Horst nodded, an uncharacteristically shy gleam coming into his eyes. He didn’t often talk about the wild nature of his birth. Only about five people in his entire life, of the dozens Horst had met through the years, actually knew of it. Two were dead, which meant only three people knew of his birthplace. Though… it was four now.

He saw her tense up and instantly grew worried. Her stammering only made him more concerned, until she finally said it. She’d had a rough childhood, one in which she likely wished to forget everything. He could only guess the particulars, but it still broke his heart.

Horst sighed, lowering and shaking his head. He fought the temptation to move over next to her and try to hold her hand or hug her. That wasn’t Rosaline’s way of dealing with stress. It was his.

“Shit. I’m sorry. I hadn’t meant to stir up bad memories. Usually I can tell what to ask and what not to ask, but I guess that’s gone to hell recently. I can ask something else if you want, or you can just skip it,”he said quietly, glancing up with an apologetic gaze.

Rosaline watched his reaction and steeled herself. Saying her childhood had been difficult was an oversimplification. It was the stuff of nightmares for kids and adults alike.

"It's alright," she replied simply. "You can't tell by looking at me. Hardly anyone knows, least of all people here." She laced her fingers tightly in her lap and gripped herself tightly as she prepared to speak again.

"I've had breast cancer twice. Once as a teenager, and again… about ten years ago. Growing up, my life was trips to and from the hospital, rounds upon rounds of chemotherapy treatment, and weekends spent alone in my room. I still hate white walls, white sheets, and white curtains. It… It makes me think I'm there again. And I don't ever want to go back. The recurrence was the worst. I thought I was over it, but it just came back out of nowhere. I've done everything possible to keep it from recurring again. Before coming to the Isle, I had a biopsy. I was petrified, but the results came back three days ago – negative. Sometimes I get chest pains, and it scares me into thinking that the cancer will have another recurrence."

Rosaline took a breath and paused at the end of her story. Her expression softened before she added, "But I suppose my favorite memory would be once I was finally cancer free at seventeen, and my parents took Becca and me to the beach for the entire day. It was the most fun I'd ever had in my life."

“I’ve been reading body language since I was little, so I pick up on things pretty fast. But… I haven’t slept that well lately, and it’s showing,”Horst replied, sighing.

He then winced as she started her tale. He hadn’t meant for her to explain, but if she felt like it, he wasn’t going to stop her. But, just listening to it all, Horst recognized that she’d had a very rough youth. It actually reminded him of his own childhood, when he’d had something similar, though not nearly as defined as cancer. He hated thinking about that time, mostly because he had felt so horrible that he could barely remember what had happened.

“Damn. I can only imagine what you went through. To be honest, I’ve never seen the inside of a hospital. Though, I probably should have a few times. Mainly when I was… nine? Either nine or fifteen, or both. I don’t remember. I don’t know what it is was, but it was severe, and I’m sure it would’ve killed me given the chance.”

Horst debated stopping there, but decided to be as open as Rosaline had just been. Besides, his words were a bit too vague anyway.

“It’s all a bit hazy, probably from a combination of age and misery. But, I had stopped in an old, burned down house, and I got bad enough that I couldn’t do much more than wheeze. Some time later, a french girl, a bit younger than me, came along. She told me her name was Eau Claire, talked to me, soothed me. Then, she left. She came back the next day with medicine. She talked to me again, reassured me that the medicine would help. Left again. She came again the next day, then the next, and the next, until I got better. It took… a month? Month and a half? Something like that. I finally started to recover. It took another month for me to start moving around again. Eau Claire led me to a better shelter and cared for me until I was completely recovered. As thanks, I asked if she wanted to come with me in my travels, and she accepted. That would probably be my favorite childhood memory, when she decided to come with me.”

Rosaline hummed softly. She didn't make a comment, but she understood. The same could be said of her.

Seeing his wince at the beginning of her story, Rosaline fumbled her way through the first bit of it. Was she oversharing? Had she told him too much? She stiffened as she finished, bracing herself mentally for the comments of immense pity or looking at her like she was a weak, fragile object. Instead, she got what she was least expecting – complete and total understanding.

Her naturally cold and stoic demeanor softened as she listened to him. As he mentioned Eau Claire, Rosaline's stomach tightened, and she had no viable explanation as to why.

"I'm glad that Eau Claire was there for you," Rosaline said genuinely. She knew the feeling of being sick and hopeless and alone, so she felt true relief that the other woman had been able to help Horst out of his illness. "Is she traveling with you now?"

Horst noted her hum. It seemed that she understood reading body language too.

He noticed her fumbling, quickly realizing that his wince had affected her. He suppressed a sigh at that. But, he still didn’t stop her from telling her story.

Her demeanor softened as Horst spoke, and he didn’t miss it. It was a comfort honestly, to find common ground with Rosaline. To find someone who understood how rough childhood illness could be.

“So am I,”Horst replied. He then shook his head.

“Up until a few months ago, thereabouts, yes. I left to go on my own for a bit. It’s not the first time I’ve done that,”Horst answered breifly.

He went quiet for a moment, descending into deep thought. But, a couple minutes later, he returned to the present.

“It’s your turn for a question,”he said.

As comforting as they seemed to be to each other, Rosaline knew she couldn’t let herself fall for Horst. He was a man she’d found on the side of the street looking horrid and… and nothing like the handsome man who was looking at her now.

She couldn’t be thinking like that. She was with Jacob. Well, sort of. They had never truly announced to the world that they were together, but she considered herself his girlfriend. It had been a while since she’d been one. But did he consider her that way?

“I see,” Rosaline murmured.

As Horst lost himself to his thoughts, Rosaline realized just how badly she wanted tea, but she didn’t want to get up and make it. Maybe in a few minutes she’d go and make some. Enough for Jacob to have some too when he got back. They hadn’t even slept together, and they were already acting like they’d been married for ages.

But Horst… there was something comforting and familiar and simplistic about him that Rosaline couldn’t deny.

His words distracted her. “Oh, I suppose it is,” she agreed. “Well… do you have feelings for Eau Claire?” Rosaline didn’t know quite where that question had come from, but she didn’t react to the surprise of her own words.

Rosaline’s question caught him completely off guard and Horst burst into a fit of embarrassed chuckling. He looked at the floor, a bit lost on how to answer.

“I…”Horst trailed off, giving another embarrassed chuckle.

“I… um… Well… It… It’s complicated, I guess. I… I don’t know. Eau Claire is… like a sister to me, I suppose. We’ve always been close, and I utterly adore her, but… we’ve always… I don’t know,”Horst stammered.

He continued to stare at the floor, pondering over the complex knot of feelings he had for Eau Claire. He wasn’t sure what any of it was. He had no biological siblings to compare the feelings to, and his love for Angelique had felt much different to what he felt for Eau Claire. So, was it love? Or something else entirely?

After a long minute, Horst remembered that it was now his turn to ask a question. He also remembered that he hadn’t eaten anything in a while. Food was a very appealing thought at the moment.

“So, if you don’t mind, maybe we could do one more round of questions, then pick it back up later? I’m starving,”Horst asked.

“And, my question would be… What is your opinion of cannabis?”Horst added.

Rosaline simply waited patiently for his answer. She lifted her feet up and curled them under her legs to adjust to a more comfortable position. Her mobility had almost returned from her panic attack, and she reached up to smooth her hair down slightly as he chuckled.

She listened to him stammer, unflinching and attentive. Her eyes picked up on his tells, especially how he wouldn't avert his gaze from the floor, not even to look up at her. Whatever he felt for this woman… it was deep. Complicated. Rosaline could understand that. She had a similar relationship with her parents. Especially her mother. Mary was a basket case.

Though she knew the feelings she had toward Becca, her own sister, and the feelings she had toward Jacob. Without a brother of her own, it was hard to compare, but she loved Jacob beyond what she assumed it would be like to love a brother. Combining that with being saved while chronically ill as a child, Rosaline could only imagine what Horst felt for Eau Claire. He was obviously lucky to have the woman.

There was a long pause, and Rosaline wondered if she should prompt him. She'd just asked a question, which meant it was his turn. But he spoke right as she was about to, so instead, she nodded simply at his ask.

"Yes, that sounds fine. I can make you something if you like. I did just buy groceries that should last us a few days or so at least." And she'd carried them all up to the house by herself. She was just glad Jacob hadn't really questioned her as to why she'd simply ignored their plan to drive her back up to Bayview. She hadn't felt like talking about it. That anger had likely contributed to her panic attack, but there was no way in hell she'd seek out the only woman in Laxey who might be able to help her. Absolutely not. For too many reasons.

Rosaline, however, immediately tensed at his next question. She inhaled shakily and held the arms of the chair tighter, if only slightly. "I despise any sort of drug," she answered bluntly.

Horst didn’t notice how Rosaline was sitting until he was asking his question for her. It was nice to see that she was getting mostly mobile again.

“If you don’t mind. I would be honored, and extremely grateful,”Horst said quietly.

He hummed when he saw her reaction, and he nodded at her words. He wasn’t surprised, particularly considering the way she’d reacted to him when they first met. Sure, he’d smelled foul, but he’d also stank of cannabis.

“Makes sense. I share the same sentiment, except in regards to cannabis. It helps me sleep. It’s about the only thing that does. I… am an insomniac. If you’ll allow my indulgence of it, I won’t smoke it in or near the house. But… if you insist, I’ll abstain. Just, be prepared, I get surly after a while with no sleep. And… a lot more paranoid,”Horst said.

Rosaline simply nodded. She would ask him what sort of food he normally ate, but only after they were finished with their little question game. Interrupting it now seemed to be poor taste.

She sat rigid and listened to his reasoning. Rosaline could understand not being able to sleep. She wasn't a true insomniac, but more nights than not, she seemed to be unable of finding stillness, at least enough to rest. Ever since she'd moved from London, the nights had been too quiet, and the thoughts running through her mind had been too overwhelming.

After a moment of thought, a tired sigh escaped Rosaline. "Very well," she relented. "You may use it as you please. Just… not inside. But fair warning: cannabis is legal on the Isle of Man, but not in the UK. So should you travel to the mainland, I advise discretion."

Horst noted her posture and expression as he explained. She wasn’t fond of his use of cannabis, that much was already obvious. But, there was something in her look. An understanding there. How many sleepless nights has she had?

He then nodded at her decision. It concerned him a little that she had given in so easily, but he was grateful that she was allowing him to smoke cannabis despite her dislike of it.

“I’ll make sure to keep a distance as well, so the smell isn’t as likely to drift into here. I knew it was illegal in the UK, though I honestly wasn’t sure about here. But, I always try to be careful, wherever I am,”Horst replied.