forum A Thing You Won't Remember

Started September 18, 2022 by @ElderGod-yellowqueen

tune

Elia jumped, startled as she heard a body sitting across from her. She raised her head, suddenly very thankful she hadn't been crying. She looked down at the food that had been pushed in front of her. She only shook her head and slid it back to Romulus. It didn't matter that her stomach was rumbling, she physically couldn't eat. If she tried, she would likely vomit it all back up. "No thank you."
She placed a hand at her temple, rubbing it. She had started to form a headache, the day's events starting to wear on her. She was worried about the children, hoping they would make it to the palace safely. She was questioning her childhood, her father. And she was questioning her feelings about the man in front of her.

Romulus nodded and didn't push the issue. He noted her hand, and reached across the table to rub her temples and massage her scalp lightly. His hands were big enough to do all of that easily. "Anything I can help you with?" He didn't bother to ask if something was bothering her, that much was clear.
He did his best to shove the stuff clouding his own mind way down, out of the way.

Elia's eyes drifted shut as he massaged her head. She made a small noise in relief. Perhaps she would need to find a way to bribe him into giving her daily massages. He sure did know how to use his hands. She thanked whichever woman taught him how to do this. Whichever girl he would end up marrying, she would be a lucky one.
"No, there isn't anything to talk about." There was, just not with him. Unfortunately, dead men couldn't speak. If there was a way for her to summon his spirit… No, she shouldn't go there. It's dangerous magic and only a select few have the power to speak to the dead. It would be a dangerous journey to even find one, much less the actual summoning. It wouldn't be worth it.
"Anything you want to get off of your mind?"

Romulus considered it for a moment, but… the less ammunition he gave her, the better.
"No, I'm alright. Just noticed you're in obvious duress." He continued gently massaging her scalp, slowly moving his hands down till he was working on her neck and shoulders.

Lear watched them, chuckling to himself. Romulus had such gorilla arms. He was managing to massage Elia from across the table. Impressive.

After a bit, the Prince stopped. He let go of her and pulled his hands back. He finished off the plate quickly.
"If, uh… if you decide you want to talk, what's left of my tent is open." He gave her a small smile, before standing and taking his plate back.

Lear stood when he did. "Need your bandages changed?" Romulus nodded at him, and Lear headed out to the med tent to get the stuff.

Elia leaned into his hands. Her eyes fluttered open to look at him. "Well, if you ever decide you're in the mood to save a damsel in distress, just give me a warning so I can put myself in a situation of distress for you to come and rescue me."
She was trying to divert the conversation. Her walls had been continually chipped at and they were starting to crumble. She was afraid that if he kept pressing, she might break down and just tell him. She tried to imagine the relief it would be. After twelve years, keeping a secret like that weighs you down. It would be a burden lifting off of her shoulders. But she had no idea what would happen to her next.
She nodded to him with a huff of a laugh. "I think you need a new tent."

Romulus had smiled at her. Her eyes fluttering open had just reminded him how pretty they were, and if the thoughts in his head hasn't been so morose, he'd have been lost.

He turned and looked at her, smiling a bit after the tent comment. "I'll get one, but I'll have to make do for now."

Lear whistled, signaling he had the bandages ready, and Romulus have Elia one more smile, before leaving the tent to give her some privacy.

Elia dropped her head back to her arms on the table once the prince left. She wanted the quietness of the tent without being confined to her small tent and being completely left alone. Here, there was space to stretch and walk around, and she could hear the quiet buzz of people around her going about their day.
It wasn't before long that she was pulled into a light sleep. Her headache, her revelations, and everything else had just gotten to her and beat her down. She had been so tired from her lack of sleep and chilling nightmares that she drifted off to sleep without even meaning too.

Lear and Romulus went back to what was now more of a lean-to, and Lear worked on rebandaging the Prince's wounds.

"You alright?"

"There's no way she could have known."

"I know, but you thought about it. You're thinking about it now."

Romulus nodded slowly. "Yeah." He chuckled bitterly. "Stupid thing to be stuck on."

"It's a terrible, stupid thing to threaten a teenager with, Romulus. Not your fault it still bothers you." Lear was as gentle with his words as he was with his hands on the wounds.

Romulus have him a small smile.

Once Lear had finished up, they set to work making the tent livable, working in comfortable silence.

"I don't understand why you keep disobeying me, Elia. I hate punishing you but I have too." Madame Rosette tsked at her. Elia was chained to a bed on the highest floor. There was a gag around her mouth to keep her quiet. Saliva was running down her mouth and tears fell freely down her cheeks. she had a habit of denying to sleep with customers and the Madame did not appreciate that one bit. She was fed up even. "You have cost me a lot of money, dear. Now, you're going to stay in this bed until you have made up every last cent that you have cost me. Don't try to fight it, it will only make it worse."
Her lithe body trembled in fear as she stared at the Madame. Pitiful noises left her lips and were muffled by the gag. Her hands and feet were chained to the bed posts and she was free of any clothes. She cried harder as the realization hit her, what was coming for her.
"Be a good girl now, Elia. Perhaps you will be rewarded if you make me extra." The Madame opened the door to let in a man. He pressed some coins into her hand before the door was shut and the two were left alone.

Elia was startled awake with a scream. She put her hands to her face, digging her palms into her eyes to try to prevent any tears from welling. She took several deep breaths before dropping her hands. Several people suddenly looked away as she looked up at them. Blood flooded her cheeks in embarrassment. She stood up quickly and strode out of the large tent. She passed several people who were making it a point not to look at her.
She needed to get away from there. She needed space. She needed to breathe.

Romulus and Lear both heard the scream from the meeting tent. They stepped out of their tent together, in time to see Elia exiting in a hurry.

Lear looked at Romulus. "Do you want to help?"

Romulus did, but his headspace was not good right now.

Lear read the look on his face and followed her. "Clear your head."
He followed Elia, not hiding, making sure she saw him so he wouldn't startle her. "Elia?" He called.
He was mostly worried she'd leave camp again, and they were not in the safest spot at the moment.
But he of all people also knew what her dreams were like.

Elia didn't stop walking despite being followed by Lear. She just needed to get out.
She kept walking until she was past all of the tents. She went just a short way, putting some space in between herself and the camp. Not far enough to be in danger but enough to escape the noise and the people. She sat down on the ground and brought her knees to her chest, hugging herself. She missed having dreamless nights. Usually, she was beyond exhausted and passed out until the sun had risen in the late morning. Her body would be too tired to be able to dream. But now they were digging up things she didn't want to think about. Her past was being ripped up from the roots.
She didn't know how to handle it.
She didn't know what to do.
So she sat in the grass, slumped over, feeling defeated as ever.

Lear followed her, and when she sat, he sat, about 5 feet away. He sat off to her side, where he could see her and the camp and their surrounding area.

He just sat there, and waited.

After a few minutes he spoke up softly. "If I promised not to tell a soul, would you tell me what's on your mind?"
He just wanted to help her.

Elia was quiet for a few moments before she responded. "I'm just tired, Lear, I'm so tired. I feel like everything in the past twelve years is finally catching up to me. Back there I used to just block it out of my mind. I pushed everything away and just gave in to it all because it was easier and it hurt less. I just forgot. It made my life easier. I rose in the ranks. I was the best girl there was there. I got what I wanted, I did what I wanted, because I complied. And now that I'm here and I don't need to worry about such things, everything is coming to the surface. Memories I forgot I had just keep coming. Every time I close my eyes, I'm there again, going through something else. I'm being sold or beaten or starved. I just want to forget again. I've fought for a very long time and I'm tired of fighting. And the worst part is, it's never going to stop."
She looked over at him. She wasn't crying. She felt she had no more tears to give. She just rested her cheek on her knees. "I have no friends, I have no family, I have no allies. I have nothing Lear. There is nothing for me here. I have no reason to keep living. I don't know how much longer I can do this."

Lear nodded slowly. He was quiet for another little while, gathering his thoughts.
He kept his voice gentle when he spoke again.
"When Romulus rescued me 8 years ago, I was in the same boat. The first 3 days I did nothing but sleep. I would sleep for 14 hours, wake up, eat, try to socialize, and go back to sleep for another 14 hours. I repeated that till my body was waking me up. Then I started learning to fight. I asked the guards to teach me to use their weapons. That made me tired, and I kept sleeping 14 hours at a time, just with more time awake between." He looked at her. "I had no friends, no family, and no allies that I trusted. There was no reason for me live." He swallowed and looked down. "So I stopped trying. I spent a while learning the weapons, and then just… stopped doing anything. Didn't eat, didn't exercise, didn't do anything but sleep, nightmare and wish I was dead. At some point, I decided to do something about it."
He paused, the memory vivid in his mind. "Romulus saved me three separate times in the middle of me trying to kill myself." He chuckled softly. "He has a 6th sense about these things. The last time, the elaborate plan I'd put together nearly killed him instead." He rubbed his face.
"After that, he offered me what he'd offered me at the beginning, a spot in his personal guard squad, except it wasn't really an offer. I didn't have a choice. He made sure I was educated, and then trained, given a purpose, given a reason. At the start, I hated being forced out of my head, hated feeling vulnerable and open, but at some point, I took the small steps to make this life mine, and…"
He looked at her again. "Now I have friends. I have a family, of sorts. I have allies. I have a life worth living, and it started with taking the small steps. Saying yes when he asked me to come on an assignment with him. Talking to him when I struggled. Telling someone about the things that triggered me. Working through the 11 years of trauma and pain and the 3 suicide attempts and the nightmares and the depression and everything else, slowly but surely." He smiled, just a little. "I'm 8 years in, and I only nightmare every once in a while. I haven't put a knife to my wrist in years, I haven't figured out how much poison it would take to kill me in a while, and I have a life I enjoy, Elia." He leaned towards her.
"The Prince is offering you a chance at that. His deal for land as a noble is a chance to help him build something better than what his father has made. It's a chance to be a part of the network that will work with him and around him to improve the lives of Venians, Haradrim, and everyone else living within these borders. He's willing to put in the work to help you get better, to help you rebuild yourself as he rebuilds the nation. To give you a purpose beyond yourself and your pain, to give you dreams instead of nightmares, aspirations instead of anger and bitterness over your awful past- and it just starts with you taking the small steps. Saying yes. Accepting help. Those things will put you on the path to recovery, I can promise you. There's life after death, after the hell we've been through."

Elia shook her head and buried her face between her knees. "I haven't done anything to deserve any of this. I've done nothing to deserve this kindness and I don't understand why it's being offered to me. I don't know him. I don't know you. I have nothing to offer, nothing to give. I can't be a part of the guard; frankly, I have no desire to. I have no house left, no name, no family. I will never fully trust anyone. I can't. Not after everything I have gone through. I have spent the last twelve years in hell. I don't have a reason to fight anymore. What's the point? You don't want me here. It's been made obvious. Romulus just wants to fuck me. And even if by some miracle he decided to declare me as some long-lost noble, who would respect me? Who would follow me? Because if some random person came up to me and declared they were nobles and I had to follow their rule, I would laugh in their face. There is nothing to make mine. There isn't anything for me."

Lear wanted to slap her when she accused Romulus of just wanting a good roll, but he kept his face and voice gentle.
"I hadn't done anything to deserve it either. I had nothing to offer, even less than you. If you really believe what you just said, you at least believe you have a body to offer him. I was so broken, I couldn't even do that. I didn't know him any more than you do now. I just knew that he'd pulled me from a waking nightmare that I had been living in for what felt like several lifetimes." He swallowed, steeling himself, getting rid of the lump in his throat that threatened to choke his words.
"I had no family either, and couldn't even get back to my country safely. And I trusted no one. Not for a long time. But I did know, that if I had nothing to live for, then it didn't matter if the Prince carried through with his claims. If he didn't, I'd be dead, and either result was fine. I don't know if you're there, but… " He watched her. "You can heal, and that hope has to be what you cling to. Either that, or start thinking how to end it, because this middle ground, this suffering, will kill you anyway. It would have with me, if I hadn't been yanked out of it."
He sat back, not trying to crowd her. "I want you here, Elia. What you're seeing is me not wanting your hostility, and that's not the entirety of you." He leveled out his voice. "You really think Romulus just wants to bed you, after he's turned down several offers? After he literally had you across his hips and let you call the shots anyway? You think a man like that needs to rescue a girl in order to convince her to sleep with him?" He shook his head gently. "He's not disinterested, believe me, but that's not why you're here, Elia. You're not a whore anymore, you don't owe anybody your body. No more 'favors', no more 'special deals', no more 'add-ons', no more gritting your teeth and bearing it to make ends meet, no more swallowing your pride and swallowing in order to make a buck-"
Lear stopped, sucking in a breath as memories jumped unbidden into his head. He closed his eyes and banished them. If it takes that to help, I'm still helping.
"As for being a legitimate noble… The Prince has been doing this ten years. Half the nobles at court come from this, they would recognize your legitimacy. The people already working your land would follow you, because they also come from this. They know struggle and hardship, and your knowledge would be valuable to them. No one would laugh, as no one has laughed at his appointments over the last decade. He's been slowly replacing the nobles his father put in place, the old men, with younger blood, people with Venia's good in mind, people like you."
He leaned forward again, desperate to help her see. "And you'd have a place to make yours, a role to make yours, people to help, a life to fit to your tastes. There is all of that for you, all of that waiting on you to just take it, Elia."

Elia didn't know what to say to that. She didn't know the answer herself. Perhaps it would be easier to die but death frightened her. She's always excepted an early death but that didn't mean she would lay down and let it happen. But there were so many uncertainties in her life. There was no telling how the future would go, or what would happen to her. She couldn't quite tell how much risk it would be to put herself in such a position.
She wanted her family back. She wanted her home back. She wanted the life she had remembered. She wished she had grown up in the palace as a princess. She would likely have been married off to a neighboring kingdom for an alliance that would be lucky to last her lifetime. She had faith her father would have chosen a good husband to her, faithful and kind. Perhaps in another life, Romulus would have been chosen to be her husband. Or perhaps she would have been chosen as a bride for another kingdom's king or heir. She would have been expected to have children to secure their line. She could see herself being happy, had she grown up in that lifestyle.
Now, the thought of being married off and having to pop out babies had no appeal to her now. She wasn't sure what she wanted anymore.
"What if I can't heal? What if I'm too damaged? Would it not be a mercy to put me out of my misery like a lame horse?"

Progress.
"If you can never heal, then maybe. If you're too broken, perhaps it would be. But you can't know that now. I would have said I should just be put down, same as a wounded animal, like you're saying, but look at where I am now. You can get here, and if you can't, cross that bridge when you come to it."
He watched her. "But I know this about you, because I've been where you've been. I've lived the life you lived. You're a creature made of iron and steel. You're stronger than many people give you credit for. Many like us, Elia, they die young, or die in a bed, or buried in a shallow grave behind a brothel somewhere. But you, you're a survivor, and you will heal. You'll adapt. You'll come out of this better, and stronger, and able to smile again for real. It may take years, but you can get there."
He repeated what Romulus had said to him when he'd voiced similar things. "You're broken now, but not too broken to fix. Other people can't fix you, but you've got the fire in your soul to do it yourself, with a little help."

Elia turned to look at him. Her eyes were watery now, but she refused to let any of it fall. She had shown enough weakness there to last her a lifetime, she didn't want to add any more fuel to the fire. She wasn't sure if she believed his words. She didn't feel strong. She didn't feel like a survivor. She felt like a victim and a burden. She couldn't understand why anyone would go to such lengths for a stranger. She knew she wouldn't. It wouldn't be worth the extra energy. She spent it all in that brothel, bending to the will of others' fantasies. It was exhausting and draining. She had no energy for anything else.
She turned away from him. She couldn't bear to look at him and his optimism. It sounded farfetched. She placed her chin on her knees and just stared in front of her. She was tired. She was tired of this conversation. She wished she could sleep but her dreams were riddled with terrible memories. Part of her wanted to drink into oblivion and hope to pass out into a stupor. The other part of her wanted to have sex until she quite literally passed out from exhaustion and hopefully wouldn't dream at all. Perhaps she would go with the latter. She wasn't sure there was very much wine left at camp.
Speaking of wine.
"You know, your wine tastes like horse shit. Do you think we could get some better wine in the city? You could make it part of your negotiations. Better yet, I can. You should take me with you."

Lear sat back, again. He'd leaned forward, trying to connect the dots for her, trying to help her see reality past her pain, but…
More interested in alcohol.
He nodded slowly, trying not to show his sadness for her. If she rejected help, she wouldn't last long, and if he was right about her… there went the last Venian Royal.
"If I wind up negotiating again, I'll take you with me." He gave her a small smile. "I'm not sure we will here, but you can come along."
He picked at some grass, looking down. He wanted to engage her in conversation again, but he rather doubted she wanted to talk to him.
"I'm sorry our wine is so awful." It was a legitimate apology. He knew it was bad. "It's meant to last over long trips a little better than the good stuff."

"People will drink whatever they get their hands on no matter how good it is. It just affects how much they enjoy it." Elia had experience with such a thing. She had good wine and bad wine during her life. She'd never had great wine, it was too expensive, even for Madame Rosette to buy, and that woman loved racking up her debt. It didn't matter how good it was, she would drink it if she needed something to calm her down and provide relaxation.
"I would like to be there if possible. There's nothing else for me to do. I think I would rather risk being in the city than siting here, twiddling my thumbs, and being stuck in my head." She finally looked at him. "it would be nice to get out of here as well. Being surrounded by men that don't have direct access to water is starting to hurt my nose. They stink." She scrunched her nose up. She had been used to being around natural odor and sweat. It was in the line of work. But being surrounded by so many, it got overwhelming after a time.

Lear was slowly crumpling as the conversation got more inane. He nodded at her, giving her a small smile. "We manage to enjoy the wine a little. And you have to remember, we were bathing last week. These last 2 days haven't gone according to plan." He looked down. "Normally, you'd have more roaming freedom, but… well, you were kinda hostile at the beginning, and then we locked down everything because we poked a hornet's nest." He pulled at more grass. "We're gonna kill a lot of hornets tomorrow, though, so hopefully this town can get back on its feet."
Dark had fallen, the night descending on them slowly as they'd sat there. Lear stood. "Coming back with me?"

"Can you really blame me?" Elia asked. "You said it yourself, you weren't too keen on accepting the prince's proposal. It took time for you to warm up to the idea. I need time as well."
She stood up beside him and brushed the debris off of her dress. She closed her eyes as she took several deep breaths before she felt herself sliding into her usual persona. She didn't want anyone to see her as weak or look at her differently. She needed to hold up this image of being strong and indifferent. It was what she sold herself on. "Don't worry too much about me, love, I'll be alright."
She needed him to believe that. She needed them all to believe that. Because if no one believed it, how could she? It was hard to believe in something when everyone around you was against you. How else did she convince the others at the brothels that she was cocky and pretentious? It was the only way to keep the Madame's eye from turning to one of them. She took on their punishments as her own. She brought in the most money so the Madame wouldn't expect anything as such from the others. She made it clear no one could ever amount to her. So Madame Rosette kept her eyes on Elia and no one else.

"Yes, I can. Put aside the proffered deal, let's not even consider that. You were hostile in general, about everything." He wasn't yelling, he wasn't angry, just explaining. "You can have all the time you want about the offer, but that's not what I was taking about."
She brushed him off with a thinly cloaked 'don't worry', and Lear knew when he'd been dismissed.
At least she's coming with me.
He nodded and headed back into camp, walking slowly so she wouldn't have to run to keep up. "I'm going to check on the Prince. We were trying to figure out how to salvage the tent."

Elia walked alongside him. She shrugged her shoulders. She wouldn't apologize for her behavior when they first met. "All I knew when we first met was that the son of the pretender king was in town. I'd heard whispers of his nature, that he was a brute and enjoyed his whores. I knew nothing else. You cannot blame me for behaving as I did. I was half expecting to be placed in a harem when your prince demanded I come with you."
She had no bite to her words. She didn't want to start an argument on how great Romulus was and how she was being unreasonable blah blah blah. What was done was done and she wouldn't change her behavior then even if she could. She didn't know better and acted as such.
"I'm not sure your tent is worth salvaging at this point. You'd might be better off taking a couple of the smaller tents and sewing them into a larger one. it won't be pretty but it could work."

Lear had so many things to say, he decided to say none of them. If she could act out, he could blame her, but.
Romulus was better than both of them, so.
It couldn't matter to him anymore. But her 'pretender king' comment sparked his interest.
"So, question for you… you keep calling his father the 'pretender' king. Who do you think is the real one?"
They came up on the remains of the tent. The smaller ones would be ok, but they had been needed up till recently, and might be again.
Romulus had managed quite well, the tent was smaller but functional, lower but still over his head, and was at least closed to the elements. He was sitting inside on his cot, reading something. Lear stopped before they went in, waiting on her answer.

Elia's senses were tingling. This felt like a trap she had walked into. She needed to tread very carefully, lest she accidentally say something she shouldn't have. "The Callistar family has been ruling for centuries. Every person that has ever sat on the throne, good or bad, has been of Callistar blood. Despite how the old king was," she was tip toeing around the rumors that had been told about her father, "his heir would have likely ruled better in his stead. If Romulus' father wanted to sit on a throne, he should have married a woman next in line for the throne. Instead, we have new blood on the throne. It is unheard of here. All because he was upset he was a second-born son. Seems a little unfair that innocent people have had to suffer because he was greedy and power-hungry"
She stopped beside him and looked up at him. "No matter what you do, no matter how many people you save, no matter how many titles you restore, there will always be loyalists who will despise him and his family for what they have done. They will never accept anything less than Callistar blood on the throne. And they are resentful that the king has killed every last one of them. It may not happen today, it may not happen tomorrow, but people will revolt. It is only a matter of time. They're just waiting for a sign."

Lear zeroed in like a hawk.
"So you'll revolt with them, I'm assuming? You seem so passionate about this." He watched her, his face the same inquisitive expression as a moment ago.
She was smart enough to talk circles around the subject, but if he was careful, she'd answer the questions he needed answers to.

"I want the king off the throne as much as the next but the problem lies in what happens after. If they somehow succeed in killing the king and his family, who will rule? There is no Callistar to put on the throne. There are no cousins or aunts or uncles to ascend the throne. The bloodline has been so diluted in other kingdoms that were allied by marriage that Venia wouldn't accept them either." Elia looked over at Romulus, hoping he wasn't listening. She lowered her voice just to be sure. "Just like you should have given a chance on the Callistar heir, I think he will be a good king." He being Romulus. "Not everyone will agree, he might face an uprising or two during his time, but if he plays his cards right, I think he could last. He cares, more than I thought he would. There is no one left alive that I think would be a better fit. But he needs to marry a Venian woman before he takes the crown. It will help with all of the unrest if someone of their own kind sits on the throne. It can't erase the past but it will help heal the wounds that have been made."

Careful, well done. The adder has a light touch.

Lear nodded slowly. "So if the people succeed in their revolt, since it's a when and not an if, who would you personally put on the throne? Who would replace the Vespasians?"

He didn't bother saying what was on his mind: That the Callistars had been a scourge on this country for generations; that the people accepted their role under the boot well, regardless of whose boot it was; that the Vespasians were more generous and caring for their subjects; that Elia was a massive hypocrite to want to trap Romulus in a marriage to 'secure' his crown, after all she'd been through being trapped; that she kept referring to him as one of them, even though he was as Venian as she was when the Haradrim came; no, none of that left his mind. Lear was a diplomat.
And she was slowly giving him what he wanted.