forum The Strangers in the Palace (Closed)(Fantasy)

Started October 31, 2021 by Deleted user

tune

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(yeah that's perfectly fine! I just sometimes feel like it's weird if honey/ari's part goes on a lot longer cause it can be hard to remember to go back to having both the next day, and I wasn't sure if you'd want rin to wake up for some reason or read the letters at any point?)

Arquis took a while in the kitchen. There was nobody else around. During the walk there, he'd glanced through a window to see one of the chefs standing outside, having a smoke break. Their cigarette had been a tiny, glowing dot in the distance, seemingly no bigger than a spark. He wondered how long they'd be gone. It hadn't looked like they'd been in any sort of a rush, but then, he supposed they didn't need to be inside anytime soon. Everyone was in their rooms already, meaning there was no one to cook for. They'd pretty much be acting as a guard for the kitchen, and it appeared as if all of the food was locked away.

——

Honey went all soft and pliant when Ari kissed him, and he groaned when he moved away. It wasn't that he was unsatisfied. Not exactly. He just worried that the other man thought he was fragile.

"Yeah. It was great. But y'know, stranger," he murmured, then hesitated. He swept his fingers under Ari's chin. His hand was warm, and his tone was fond when he spoke again. "This isn't gonna break me. If you wanted to do more, then you could. Not, uh, that. Not all the way. I know you don't wanna do that. But I can handle a little heat, handsome."

(yeah I get it! Do you want me to have him wake up and read the letter scraps? and then he could talk to Arquis about it when he comes back?)

Rin stirred faintly on the bed, but didn't wake up just yet. He just shifted into a slightly different position and continued to slumber.

Ari hummed a little, leaning into Honey's hand a little bit. "Mm, well, alright." he leaned forward to press his lips to Honey's again, the cool air off-setting the warmth that radiated from both of them. He didn't even feel that cold, really. Not when he was kissing Honey like this, their warm bodies pressed close and comfortable.

(yeah sure! maybe they could kinda take them the wrong way? I went back to look at some of what the letters started with and most of them are kinda phrased as if he's breaking up with them or like planning on doing something bad, so maybe Rin could react to that?)

When Arquis finally finished his first glass of water, he took a deep breath and straightened himself up to full height. He could linger for a while, if he wanted. There was no real reason he had to rush back to the room. Rin should still be asleep. He hadn't made a lot of noise when leaving, after all, and they'd seemed pretty tired earlier. Then again, he'd also thought that he was tired, and there he was, standing alone in a dark room.

He set his cup on the counter. Staying was seeming increasingly like a bad decision. The chef could come in at any moment, and he'd probably startle them half to death. Also, he knew that Rin was sometimes afflicted by nightmares; he'd hate for them to suffer through one by himself. No, Arquis should be at his side. He stretched, then decided to wait a couple more minutes. He'd have just one more glass of water before he went, but that would be all. It was time for him to stop procrastinating on that letter.

——

Honey smiled into the kiss. For some reason, he hadn't expected Ari to actually go for it. He'd thought that the other man would shy away, or tell the blond that he wasn't ready for that yet. It was nice to know that he really listened; he didn’t try to set Honey’s boundaries for him. As a sort of reward, Honey stroked his hands down his back, then brought them up to rest on his shoulders. The kiss grew a bit more intense, but oddly enough, that didn't change how sweet it was. It was lovely and soft with just the right amount of passion.

"You're good at this," he murmured when he finally drew away for air. He licked his lips and smirked. "I'd say I got the better end of our bargain. Hot damn, stranger."

(yeah perfect!)

Rin woke up after only a few more moments, blinking sleepily as he patted the bed in search of Arquis. When he discovered that the nobleman was no longer in bed with them, he sat up, rubbing his eyes and looking around the shadowy room. "'quis?" he said softly, trying to figure out where their lover could be. The bathroom door was open, so he was not in there. He didn't seem to be anywhere in the room, really. Whihc was…strange. They moved off the bed, looking around the room. Their gaze eventually fell on the notes that Arquis had started and stopped, and he lifted them to the light to read them. His hair was messy and his eyes were still half-open with sleep, but he quickly blinked away his sleepiness as he read the notes.

"Oh." the little sound that escaped them was soft and heartbroken as they read each note that had been begun but not finished. Was Arquis done with them? Did he truly no longer want to be with them? No other way…what did the nobleman mean?

Ari leand into the hands on his back, smiling at Honey when the blond pulled away. "Mm, no, I beg to differ. I clearly got the better end of all of this." he replied. "I got everything I wanted." and he had, really. Kisses, snuggles, and hearing Honey make that ridiculous voice. He had gained everything and lost nothing. So clearly, he had won this bargain of theirs.

Arquis did not immediately head back to the room as he'd planned. Instead, he walked slowly down the length of one corridor, reassuring himself that he was just trying to get some energy out. If he went to bed all jittery, then he'd surely wake Rin. That was the only reason. It wasn't that he was avoiding that heap of crumpled and shredded paper on the floor of their suite, the testament to his weakness. It wasn't at all that it'd remind him of his failure, and the lies he'd told his caring, trusting lover, and the darkness in his past. Surely not. He was just walking out his shakiness.

A good few minutes later, he realized that he'd unintentionally ended up at his room anyway. So much for his efforts. He cursed the maze of hallways that was The Cecilia Rouge and went to open the door. What he found inside made him falter. He'd been expecting to see Rin curled up in their sheets, not crouched on the floor. He especially hadn't been expecting to see them holding some of his letters up to the moonlight.

"Ah," he said, ignoring the kick of guilt in his stomach. The letters had gone nowhere; they were just nonsensical strings of sentences, saying nothing in specific. He couldn't see Rin's expression, but he imagined they were probably confused. He closed the door behind him and tried for a soft smile. "It is late, my love. What are you doing up?"

——

Honey just laughed in response. Maybe it was the starlight in his eyes, or the cast of moonlight turning his hair to white gold, but he looked like he was glowing. Ari made him happy. Unabashedly, undisguisably happy. When he realized that, he blushed. He'd rarely felt such pure joy. Most of his better memories had been tainted; he'd been hungry or hurting, tired or tense. But this was different.

"You know, Ari, I'm real glad you're here. Not glad that our poor bard got sick—that part was rough. But I'm glad you came all the way out here, and, uh," his blush deepened, "I'm glad you've stayed. You're something special. I mean that, you really are."

Rin looked up as the door opened, blinking at Arquis with wide, hurt eyes. "I…" he swallowed faintly, setting the papers aside and taking a deep breath. "Are you…" they took a deep breath, trying to compose himself. "Do you want me to leave?" he finally asked quickly, swallowing and looking away rather than at the nobleman. "I…you…" he gestured helplessly to the letters, running a hand through their hair as they searched for what to say. "The letters. I…I can pack up my stuff and leave if you want me to."

"Yeah. I'm glad that I stayed too." he replied, reaching up to gently run his fingers through Honey's hair, massaging the young man's scalp gently. "You…I am glad that I have been able to get to know you better, Honey. It has been wonderful." it really had been. Their date, their time spent together, their time now…it was all just lovely.

Arquis paled, suddenly finding it hard to stand. He reached out and grabbed the doorframe for support. Leave? Why would he want Rin to leave? He racked his brain for anything in the letters that would've implied such a thing, but he came up short. Not once had he written anything about Rin going away. So why did they assume that he had? Unless they didn't. Maybe the problem wasn't in what the letters said, but what they symbolized. Had Rin managed to guess his history? Were they disgusted by it? Repelled? Were they trying to be polite by giving him the option to force him out? Soften the blow, take away the sting of rejection? Pretend to give him a choice, when he was really planning to leave all along? That didn't feel right, but the nobleman was really struggling to think clearly through the panic that'd overtaken him.

"Do you want to leave?" he asked. The question came out as a trembling whisper. He couldn't even feign composure.

——

Honey gasped softly. He'd had people tug and claw at his hair before, looking for a handhold or trying to keep him in place, but gentle touches were a rare thing. He lifted his own hand, uncertain. It ended up on Ari's forearm. He skated his fingers in a circle there, let them drift to his shoulder, and then down to his side. That was where he stopped. Ari probably wouldn't be comfortable with more.

"It has. And, um, Ari? I think I like you." Well. Hadn't that sounded childish? Then again, there wasn't really a good way to say what he meant. He liked Ari in more than a casual way, and it was a relatively new feeling.

His gaze searched Arquis's face uncertainly, and he exhaled. "No, but…" he gestured faintly to where the letters lay on the floor, swallowing. "Aren't…aren't you breaking up with me?" he asked, voice quiet. "Isn't that what these are?" he scrubbed a hand over his eyes, trying not to cry. He didn't want to leave, but…but if Arquis was breaking up with him, then what else was he supposed to assume was happening?

Ari smiled softly at Honey's words, kissing his cheek and still gently running his fingers through Honey's blond curls. "I think I like you too." he replied softly, watching Honey's face as they sat together in the pale moonlight. His breath sent soft curls of steam into the air, the result of warmth mixing with cold. It was chilly, and he was feeling it a bit, but not bad enough to have to leave.

"Breaking up with you," Arquis repeated, his brow furrowing. The words didn't feel right when he'd thought them, and they sounded even worse when he spoke them aloud. They came out stilted, like he was a bad actor reading his lines for the first time. He supposed that was the result of shock. Never in a million years would he have predicted that this would happen. He wasn't sure how to respond. Not because he didn't want to, but because this conversation had blindsided him to the point of speechlessness.

He crossed the room to Rin and knelt beside them. His gaze drifted over the letters in front of him. For a moment, he tried desperately to read them as they might have. He tried to understand what they had seen that would have lead him to such a conclusion. Finally, it clicked. It was all in the wording. He wanted to kick himself.

"I did not expect for you to read them." He winced. That wasn't what he'd wanted to say, but he wasn't sure how to correct himself. He trailed off into silence as he tried to think of a way to clarify his intentions.

——

"Oh," Honey replied. His heart did a strange thing in his chest. He realized distantly that his flush had spread to his neck, and he rubbed at it subconsciously, as if it would come off. He hadn't expected for Ari to return the sentiment.

"Really? You do?" There was a hesitant quality to his tone. It was like he was a child being told that a fairytale was real. He wanted to believe it, as even the notion of it filled him with a sense of awe and wonder, but he was unsure. He didn't want this to be a cruel lie or prank. It would break his heart if that were the case.

"Then…then why write them?" he asked, brows furrowed as they stared at Arquis, trembling very faintly. "I…I don't understand, Arquis." his voice took on a slightly desperate tone as he tried to understand what Arquis meant. What their lover could possibly be talking about at that moment, or in these notes. "If you don't…if you don't want to break up with me, then…" they trailed off, not understanding any of this. Arquis sounded…detached, almost, and all they knew was that they felt utterly lost and confused.

Aru gently brushed the back of his hand against Honey's cheek, feeling the heat of his blush warm on his skin. "I do." he said softly, leaning forward to kiss Honey's temple lightly. "As long as you're alright with that, at least. I…do not want to make you uncomfortable." he was reasonably sure that Honey would be alright with it, but he still watned to check in about it.

Hearing that desperation, even faint, in Rin's voice was enough to shake Arquis from his thoughts. He'd done nothing to alleviate the worry that he must be feeling. He hadn't even fully reassured them that they weren't breaking up, or that he wasn't going to leave him behind. That wouldn't do at all. The nobleman moved closer and took hold of Rin's hands. He gave each one a kiss, then folded them and placed them over his own heart.

"My love," he murmured fondly, "this is all a misunderstanding. The letters were not an attempt to end our relationship. Do you remember what we discussed earlier, in the bathroom? You suggested that I write down what I could not say aloud. I was trying to take your advice, but, well, I did not succeed. It was a much more difficult task than I had anticipated, and I could not seem to get the wording right. That is why there are so many letters and why they were in such a state. It is also why I said that I had not expected you to read them. I was going to clean them up before you woke, and I had not prepared for the possibility that you might see them before I returned."

The explanation was gentle, but it also betrayed the guilt he was feeling inside. He couldn't help it. He'd really upset his partner, without even trying.

"Did you think I would break up with you in such a cruel way?" he asked quietly, heart aching as he studied Rin's face. "Am I that poor of a lover? Perhaps so. I am so very sorry, my heart."

——

Honey tipped his face against Ari's hand, basking in the feel of skin on skin contact. It was like stepping into sunlight after a storm, or huddling by the fireplace during a snow day. He closed his eyes and hummed happily.

"Oh, yes. I mean, no. I mean, yeah, I'm alright with it, and no, it doesn't make me uncomfortable. Though, I guess it does raise some questions." He opened his eyes, peered up at the other man shyly, and bit his lower lip. "What are we now? Or, uh, what do you wanna be? Is this just, like, a good time? A fling? 'Cause I can do that."

Honestly, if Ari saw this as just a short fling, then it'd sting. Honey wasn't as foolish as to think that he was in love with the Kevran, but he hadn't been messing around when he'd said he liked him. He felt really vulnerable. And scared. He didn't want to face rejection so soon, but he had to know where this was going.

Rin looked up at him, worry still obvious in their gaze. He listened quietly, squeezing Arquis's hands faintly and taking a deep breath. "I…I understand." he said quietly, their eyes still on Arquis. "I…I just…I didn't know what else to think." he moved closer so that he could wrap his arms around Arquis, leaning his cheek on Arquis's shoulder in order to seek that comfort of their lover's arms, inhaling shakily and trying to calm down again. Their emotions had just gone through a roller coaster, and it was a lot to deal with.

Ari smiled a little, running his thumb lightly along Honey's cheekbone, cocking his head faintly. "Mm…I don't think I want this to just be a fling. Unless that's what you would prefer?" he said slowly, trying to puzzle out what they both wanted out of this. To tell the truth, Ari wasn't quite sure what this was yet, but he didn't really want it to just be a fling, over and done. He wanted it to mean something, even if it wasn't forever.

Arquis felt like someone had taken a sledgehammer to his chest, shattering his ribs and breaking his heart in one fell swoop. Actually feeling how shaken his partner truly was made it hard to breathe. He hadn't meant to do any harm, but clearly he had. The whole ordeal left him racked with guilt. He kissed the top of their head as he attempted to collect himself. There was a lot he needed to say, and he'd need strength to say it.

"My heart," he began, then sighed. His vision was blurry with tears that he refused to let fall. This wasn't about him. He cleared his throat and tried again.

"Rin, my heart, I did not know that- I had not considered- I was being horribly selfish. Never once did I stop to think how those letters might affect you. I simply left you here alone, without a note or an explanation, and- well, it is no wonder you came to such a conclusion. How careless I have been. And foolish. Why I thought this would be a good endeavor when we- when you are- when the day has already been so challenging, I- I just- I am an awful fool, my dear. I should have waited. This could have been so easily avoided, had I- if I had only used my head. I am sorry."

He wouldn't blame Rin if they wanted to break off the relationship after all. Arquis could be terribly thoughtless, and it worried him that Rin had accepted that specific conclusion so easily. Did he seem the type to break up with them through cold, distant notes? Did they think their relationship had been going so badly that it needed to be ended?

——

Honey was so flushed that it was as if he and Ari hadn't just been kissing moments prior. He was embarrassed that a single hand against his cheek had practically managed to make him swoon. And yet, he registered with a shock, he was also making a noise that wasn't far off from a purr. That was even more humiliating. He cut it off in his throat and smiled sheepishly.

"Yeah. Yeah, totally. Wait, no, hold on, I want it to be not that. Not a fling. I don't want us to be, like, a casual one night stand. Not that that's what this seems like!" he yelped quickly. "Just, uh, y'know, that's not what I want, either. I'd like something different. If that's what you want, too! I don't wanna choose for you, and, uh, I don't even know what else this could be, or what specifically you want.”

He shook his head a little bit. "It's…it's okay." he said softly. "I know you didn't mean to hurt me, Arquis. I was just…I…" he swallowed, pressing his cheek to Arquis's shoulder and taking a deep breath. "It wasn't a pleasant thing to wake up to." his voice was faint, and he clung to Arquis as they tried to seek comfort in the warmth of the other man's body. "I love you, Arquis, and I…I don't want to lose you, darling." they kissed Arquis's cheek softly. "Please stop beating yourself up about this, you…you didn't think that I would read them. You didn't do it on purpose."

Ari laughed softly, running his thumb along Honey's cheekbone again. "I don't really know either. We can just take this one day at a time, Honey. See where this goes. We're both on board with it not being just a fling, which is a good thing." he smiled lightly, kissing Honey between the eyebrows, a smile pulling at his mouth. "So we'll just…wait and see." he hummed for just a moment, smiling happily at the blond in front of him.

Arquis sniffed and brought his hand to the nape of their neck, guiding them closer against him. He ran that same hand down to his back, where he began to trace down the column of their spine. He stopped once he reached his waist. His breath hitched. Holding back tears, he pulled them into his lap, then embraced him tightly.

"I love you so much, Rin. So, so much. Losing you would- would-" He couldn't even describe what it'd do to him. He shuddered and wiped his eyes with his sleeve. His earlier thoughts of slipping out into the night alone now seemed impossible; he hated himself for even thinking them. "I just wanted to tell you the truth. I wanted you to know. You deserve to know, love, but I cannot seem to- if I could just- I do not understand why it is so hard, I- I just want-"

——

Honey shivered when Ari kissed that spot. This was unfamiliar territory to him, but he was absolutely loving every bit of it. That hand on his cheek was still driving him wild, and he felt an impulse to lean forward, to show the other man some of the tricks he'd learned throughout his career.

But Ari wouldn't want that. Ari wasn't in love with him. Besides, Honey didn't really want that either, not at this stage. It was just his mind playing games with him. He didn't know how to respond to kindness and soft touches and sweet kisses, so his thoughts responded with something he was well-versed in instead.

He offered Ari a gentle smile and a nod. "Okay. Yeah. I, uh, I do wanna say something, though. If it's okay with you, then I maybe think we shouldn't stay in the same room tonight. Not," he hurried to add, "because you've made me uncomfortable! It's just that I'm worried I might, uh, react? To you being there? I'm scared it'd make things awkward, and then you'd feel like you have to reciprocate, which I don't want. It's just that my body's trained a certain way. Maybe not trained, really, but it's used to- nighttime, uh, in bed- sometimes it just- even if I don't want it to, it does. And I don't want that to mess up whatever this is."

(dude this thing is almost a year old)

Rin snuggled close to Arquis, taking a deep breath and just holding onto him. "Darling, I…it's alright. I understand. Please don't upset yourself, love." he rubbed Arquis's back gently. "I love you, Arquis. And I know that…whatever it is you're trying to tell me is hard. And that's okay. You'll tell me someday." the gods knew he had so many of his own secrets that he had yet to reveal to Arquis. He would not begrudge Arquis this secret of his own.

Ari cocked his head faintly, not quite understanding. "You stayed in my room last night and everything was fine." he replied slowly, blinking at Honey, his eyebrows gathering into a frown. "So I don't quite…I don't understand why it would be different tonight?" he ran adjusted his coat, starting to feel the cold nipping at his skin. It wasn't bad or cold enough to warrant going inside, but it was not a perfectly comfortable temperature, either.

(omg it's ancient and there's still so much that Rin and Arquis don't know about each other)

Arquis took in a deep, aching breath, and then another. This wasn't worth panicking over. They were fine. A misunderstanding had happened, but they'd cleared it up together. Rin wasn't leaving. They weren't going their separate ways. Everything was alright.

"I will, my love. Someday I will," he promised, head smarting from how tightly his jaw was clenched. There was so much tension in his frame. His muscles felt like they were drawn taut, and his joints were sore. Worse, he felt awfully cold. Doctor Lavin's words about the symptoms of his condition sprang to the front of his thoughts. Maybe he was always this cold, and he just didn't notice until he finally realized he was trembling.

"The reason I left was to get water," he said. It wasn't what he'd meant to say; he'd wanted to ask if they should return to bed. But he didn't think he'd explained it, and it felt like he should. "Was that what woke you? The slamming of the door?"

——

Honey fidgeted, suddenly unable to meet Ari's gaze. Explaining this was hard. It was a little embarrassing, but he knew he had to try his best. He couldn't risk damaging this budding thing between them.

"Uh. Well, handsome, it's 'cause you said that you like me. Which is a good thing, really, I swear. I'm glad. But I don't- it's not- that doesn't happen to me." He blew out an exasperated breath and glanced back over at Ari. There was a wry yet tired smile playing at his lips. "I've never had something like this, and it's awesome. But I don't know how to react, and sometimes when I don't have a game plan, by mind kinda defaults to what I do know. My body just, uh, responds. It's like I'm there, but I'm not really there? I don't know how to describe it, but I don't want it to make you uncomfortable if it happens."

(lmao that's not necessarily a bad thing tho)

Rin shrugged faintly. "To be honest, I'm…I'm not really sure." he replied slowly, shaking his head and looking at Arquis with tired eyes. "Maybe it was just because you weren't in the bed with me. I don't know. I just…I woke up, and you weren't here." he kissed Arquis's cheek softly, gaze flickering to those letters again. "And…and I saw these notes, and I got worried." he didn't know what else to say. He really wasn't sure what had awoken him, he just knew that he had woken up without Arquis.

Ari was quiet for a moment, processing Honey's words and doing his best to make sense of them. "I…I don't know that I understand completely, but…if you are sure that you need to sleep elsewhere, then that's fine." he replied, giving Honey another quick, faint smile. "Where will you sleep, though? Your room is…not in any condition to be slept in." he winced faintly as he thought of the burns and damage that Myr had done to Honey's room. No, it was not in any condition for Honey to sleep in. Certainly not comfortably, in any case.

(that's true! though it is kind of funny that we're only through like two weeks in the story)

Arquis tilted Rin's chin away from the letters, so that they wouldn't look at them any longer. With his arms still around them, he got to his feet. His lover was pulled up with him. He just stood there for a bit, holding him, not saying a word. Then, finally, he moved for the bed. He helped them sit first, pulled the blankets over their legs, and bent to kiss him on the forehead.

"I am here now," he offered in a very soft tone. Slowly, he lowered himself onto the mattress beside them. It barely dipped under his weight. He looked at him through his lashes and smiled. Oh, how he adored his partner. "And I will not leave your side again, my love. You may rest, if you so desire. I will be here when you wake in the morning.”

——

Honey blanched at Ari's words. Tiny pinpricks of shock ran up and down his limbs, like he'd shaken them after they'd gone numb. The other man was right. They'd spent some time cleaning his room, but it still wasn't fully ready to be slept in. Even if it had been completely repaired, the blond wasn't sure he'd feel comfortable there. Not after what had happened. His private space had been breached. It'd take a long time for him to feel safe there again, if he ever did.

"Oh. I don't know." With how little money he had left, it wasn't like he'd be able to just rent a room. Pretty and Lovey had their own thing going on. He'd hate to intrude. Arquis and Rin had seemed plenty busy as well. He supposed he could go visit Ophia, but it was very dark and late out, and he was honestly worried about walking the streets at night alone. Myr could be out there somewhere.

"I guess I could find someone else to spend the night with," he whispered. The thought made him nauseous, but he really didn't want to make Ari uncomfortable. "Nothing I haven't done before. As long as you don’t mind.”

(yeah it is lol but in my experience that's how RPs tend to go. It'll be like three months irl and like a day in the RP. makes for some slightly wonky timelines but oh well)

He moved with Arquis, letting out a soft, tired exhale. "I love you." he said in a quiet tone. "And…and I am tired." he kissed Arquis's cheek again. "You should go back to sleep too, though. You need to rest. We have the meeting with the specialist tomorrow. About your, uhm, food problems." he hadn't forgotten aobut that. He didn't want to forget about that. It was too important to forget about, since Arquis had been doing so poorly. They needed to ensure that they met with the specialist and that everything went alright.

Ari frowned faintly. "Spend the night as in…Honey, no. No…no clients, or working, or anything like that." he protested. "You can stay in my room and we'll just…someone can sleep on the armchair or something." he said, running a hand through Honey's hair gently, trying to think of what to do. "Or…Lovey and Pretty might let you sleep with them. Arquis and Rinlos probably need some time by themselves, but Lovey or Pretty might let you, or something."

(yeah that's fair—this is technically my only roleplay and definitely the longest, though I'm glad for that)

"Oh, I forgot about that," Arquis sighed. He frowned, his brow furrowing, and stared at a crease in his pillowcase. It felt like he'd been drenched in ice water, both in that he was startled and literally freezing cold. He rubbed his hands together. No amount of sheets could keep him warm, it seemed.

"I do not suppose we could postpone the appointment? On account of what just occurred, of course. As you said, we are both rather tired. Perhaps we should take a bit of a break from the whole health ordeal, just for a day or two." A bit of hope crept into his voice. "We could always reschedule it for later. Next week, even. That is still very soon, my love."

——

Honey shook his head. "Lovey and Pretty need some space. Now that they've got the baby coming, they're going to want to get closer. I wanna give them some alone time."

Ari's hand in his hair was as lovely as before, but it suddenly seemed an undeserved luxury. He felt, as he'd told Rin and Arquis before, dirty. Corrupted. Stained. Like he'd never be clean or good enough for the Kevran gardener, who spoke to him as if he was someone worth knowing. Who liked him. He must be a saint to like someone as messed up as Honey.

"I just don't wanna upset you," he mumbled. His knees folded inwards to his chest. He dropped his cheek against one, letting out a groan. "I don't wanna make you uncomfortable, Ari. I really, really don't. I'm worried I'm gonna screw everything up, if I go back to your room.”

(oof lol. If you'd be interested in other RPs, I can introduce you to some good RPers on here. I'm…a bit prolific lmao I know almost everyone's RP styles and such)

"No." his voice was gentle, but firm. "We are not going to reschedule, darling. Your health is getting worse. Your hair was falling out, my love, you cannot postpone this any longer." he gently rubbed Arquis's shoulder. "I know that it is going to be difficult for you, my love, but…but it is something that must happen. I will not watch you waste away and deny that anything is wrong. You have done it over and over, my love, every time I asked you to eat. You would only tell me that…that you were not hungry and that you would eat later and then you never did. We have to talk to a professional about this, so that someone else can give you solutions and help you." he looked up to meet Arquis's eyes, giving him a soft, faint smile as they tried to reassure their partner.

"Honey, how would…I'm not sure what you mean by make me uncomfortable." he admitted. "Are…I don't really understand." he looked faintly embarrassed, glancing away and then back at Honey, fingers still lightly moving through Honey's hair, feeling the young man's soft golden curls slide against his fingers. "But I don't think you would screw anything up, Honey. I really don't think you could."

(oh, no, that's alright! thank you for offering, but one is plenty for now haha)

With every point they made, Arquis grew more and more withdrawn until he was basically curled in on himself. Their words were like arrows shot straight into his heart. He felt their sting, even after his partner had finished speaking. His lips trembled; all of him did. He was so, so cold.

"Just a few more days?" he pleaded. Though he knew his efforts were futile, he had to try. Rin didn't understand. This was his strongest coping mechanism. It was the only control he had left in a life that had gone completely off the rails. He could not live without it. He needed it.

"I will be so good, I promise. I will have two meals a day. Two whole meals!" he rambled, desperate. His eyes were wide and afraid. "Is that not enough? I can do more. I can do whatever you like, as long as I do not have to meet with her yet. It is too soon. Tomorrow is too soon, my love. It will break me."

——

"Oh, you know," Honey said, even though Ari obviously had no clue. He didn't want to have to explain it, but it looked like he'd have to. His mouth slanted to the side as he thought.

"It's like when you, uh, I don't know. Say you're going for a run, and you get really into the zone, right? You lose focus of what's around you, but your body knows what to do. Your legs keep on going, and your arms keep on swinging, and to some degree your eyes keep on seeing. Even if you're not really comprehending, you manage to avoid most accidents. You know what to do on a subconscious level. That's what it's like, sometimes. I don't mean to, uh, get in the mood. But sometimes it happens, and I just, y'know. It's not like I'd do anything bad to you, I'm not- that's not what I'm saying. But it might make things kinda awkward, I guess?"

(alright!)

"No, love. We are meeting with her tomorrow." he said, rubbing Arquis's back. "I told you that I would not watch you waste away, and that is still true. I refuse to watch you waste away. Darling, you tell me you'll eat, and then when I ask you to eat, you avoid it or eat as little as you can. I…someone else needs to be able to help, because clearly when it is just me, I'm unable to help you the way that you need." his words were still gentle but firm. He was not going to let Arquis push this off again. Not again. Not more, like the young man had been doing for so long.

"You're saying you would dissociate?" Ari asked slowly, still playing gently with Honey's hair as he spoke, trying to understand what Honey was trying to tell him. He still wasn't sure he completely understood, but maybe that was what Honey meant. Maybe Honey was talking about dissociation? He still felt lost, despite Honey's best attempts to explain to him what he meant by this.

Arquis was terrified. Before, he'd usually been able to convince Rin that his way was best. He'd really thought for a while that it had been, too. He'd thought he'd been getting better. As Doctor Lavin had proven, that wasn't true. But still, it stung for him to hear how firm his lover was being. It felt a bit like a betrayal. They were supposed to be on the same side, weren't they? And yet Rin was fighting him on this, making decisions that he clearly didn't want. He was too tired to keep waging this battle. It was so much easier to give in, even though it hurt.

"Alright," he whispered shakily. "Alright, love. I understand. Tomorrow. We will see her tomorrow."

He rolled onto his side, facing away from his partner. Truly, he didn't want to do so, but he didn't want them to see how upset he was. Then, he hesitated. Rin had already been so distraught at the prospect that they were breaking up; it would be cruel to turn fully away. He stayed on his side, but reached out behind himself to find their hand and give it a gentle squeeze.

——

"I guess? Maybe? It's not like a flashback, or a panic attack, or that sort of thing. It just feels like I'm not really there. I don't think or feel. I react. It's involuntary. My body does the things it thinks it needs to so I can survive. Like, well, I don't know. I'll, uh, go kinda limp. I won't fight. I won't talk much. Sometimes, blood will," and at this part, Honey swallowed, clearly embarrassed, "rush places. Without me wanting it to. It's just an instinct. And I don't want that to make you uncomfortable. I don't want you to worry that it means I want that."

He wasn't sure how else to explain it. Dissociation was pretty damn close. It was just one of the many things he'd picked up over the years during his job. In a way, it'd been helpful. If a guy wanted to try something new—or if they just did it, without asking permission—he wouldn't panic in front of him. He'd quietly go through with most of it. He wouldn't make them angry. It was a self-preservation tactic.

"I can't guarantee if or when it'll happen, but sometimes it'll take me a while to come to." He bit his lip. "I know it's a lot to handle, and it's awkward, yeah? So I just thought, y'know, maybe if I waited, then it wouldn't happen so soon, and you wouldn't think I'm weird."

Rin swallowed faintly when Arquis turned away from him, taking a deep breath and then taking Arquis's hand when it was offered. They could feel the sting of rejection, but also knew that that was…a touch unfair. This was quite a difficult topic for Arquis, and they knew that. They knew that it was a topic that made Arquis upset, and it was unfair of them to expect Arquis to then immediately hold them without complaint. He squeezed Arquis's hand gently, snuggling up to his back and wrapping his arms around Arquis's waist in order to spoon him. Hopefully their partner would be alright with this. If Arquis said anything or seemed uncomfortable, Rin would pull away, but if he did not, then they would stay just like this. He wanted that physical touch, that physical comfort, but if Arquis did not want to grant it, then that was fine.

He nodded slowly. "I see." he replied softly. "I…you could still sleep in the room with me, if you want to. Now that I know what to expect, it…it might be a bit awkward, yes, but it isn't going to scare me away, if that is what you are worried about." he gave Honey another soft, gentle smile. "But, whatever you decide is fine. This is…different territory for both of us, I think, so we can take this one step at a time. See what happens."

Arquis tensed when he felt Rin's arms envelop him. If it were almost any other day, he wouldn't mind the contact one bit. Right then, however, he was feeling insecure. His waist was one of the places he was most sensitive about. The only spots that were worse were his hips, and his lover's arms were pretty close to those, too. He carefully lifted them off of himself and moved to the edge of the bed.

"Not tonight, love," he whispered. The back of his neck was bright red. He was ashamed of himself. All of this could have been avoided he hadn't lied to his partner, if he'd just done what they'd asked when they'd asked it. He'd broken their trust so many times. The least he could do now was try and offer him the truth. Maybe it would reassure them.

"It is not your fault. I am not upset, truly. I know you are right. I am not well." He squeezed his eyes shut. "If I were, I would not be so terribly insecure. I am sorry, my dear."

——

Honey returned Ari's smile. It was as if his was infused with light; he seemed radiant with joy, almost ethereal. "One step at a time. Yeah, that sounds good. And like you said earlier, I could always take the floor or a chair or something. We don't technically have to actually be together to really be together, y'know?"

Just as he finished talking, a cold breeze swept across the valley. The tall grass rustled and folded, their bent stalks catching the moon's pale glow. From up high, it looked like they were staring out at a small, rippling ocean.

"It's getting kinda chilly out, isn't it? My nose is kinda numb." He crouched, brushed the dust and leaves off of his pants, and offered Ari his hand. "Wanna head in?"

(hey so I was thinking that either tomorrow or the next day, Ari has like,, a bad dysphoria day? like. just kinda feeling down and less of a man or whatever 'n so we get some sweet scenes with Honey reassuring him? if that's alright with you?)

Rin let go when Arquis removed his arms, shifting back to give Arquis space. He couldn't deny that the rejection stung, but yet, he was not going to deny Arquis the space that the nobleman so clearly needed in order to process all of this. "It's alright, darling." he replied softly. "I understand. It's alright." he leaned forward to press a kiss to Arquis's shoulder, but didn't otherwise touch him. "Just get some sleep. It will be better in the morning." he rolled onto his back, looking up at the ceiling in the darkness. They hoped that the specialist coming in the morning would be able to help their partner. They knew that Arquis was insecure and ashamed of their body, knew how afraid the nobleman was of weight gain, of being perceived as fat. But it would take a lot of weight gain, at this point, for Arquis to be anywhere near chubby, and Rin knew he would love them even if Arquis gained that much.

Ari hummed faintly, shiering slightly when Honey pulled away. It was chilly, and while he had not noticed while they were talking, he could still feel the chill creeping into his limbs. He took the blonde's hand, letting the young man pull him upright. "Mm, yeah, it's a bit cold." he agreed with a soft laugh, gaze flickering up to the stars for a moment, and then back to Honey. "Do you think we could make some hot chocolate, once we're inside?" he asked. "I know how, if you know where the kitchen keeps all the ingredients. Unless you'd rather not, which would be fine too."

(yeah that'd totally work for tomorrow! especially since we don't really have stuff planned for Ari/Honey, but we do have some events for Arquis/Rin)

Though it had been what he'd asked for, feeling the mattress shift as Rin pulled away was upsetting. Arquis wrapped his arms around himself in a mimicry of their embrace. It wasn't even close to the same. He felt like crying. None of this seemed fair, and yet he deserved it and worse. That didn't mean his lover did, though. His dear, sweet partner deserved the best, and he hated that he'd brought him so much misery.

"Alright. I love you," he whispered. He really did, even if sometimes he had a hard time showing it. Perhaps his difficulty with expressing love came from his childhood. Muria and his father had very rarely said those words, the latter only a handful more times than the former. He wasn't using to hearing or saying them.

——

Honey gave Ari a lopsided grin that made his dimples show. "Mm, yeah, I know where the stuff is. Cocoa sounds great. I'm not sure if there's anyone in the kitchen right now, so we should be able to get in and outta there pretty fast. No interruptions or anything.”

He began to traverse the rooftop back the way they'd come. His footsteps echoed faintly, though they were quickly swallowed by loud susurration of the grass. Once he reached the hatch, he popped it open, then gave the other man a nod. He'd need to make sure it was shut tightly after they both got through, which meant Ari would have to climb inside first.

"Don't bump your head," he cautioned. Pretty had once banged her skull on the edge of the hatch. She hadn't gotten anything as seveee as a concussion, but she'd still ended up with a pretty big bruise.

(Perfect!)

"I love you too, darling. Get some sleep." he replied softly, curling up on his side and taking a deep breath, exhaling slowly. He closed his eyes, blankets pulled up around him, and tried to go back to sleep. This had been…a strange night, that was for sure. He had awoken alone, then had thought Arquis was going to break up with him. Then had learned that Arquis was not breaking up with him. Then they had argued about the specialist. It was…a lot, late at night, and he didn't quite know how he really felt about this yet. It was a lot to process.

Ari followed him along the roof, smiling a little bit. "Great." he said in a soft tone, following Honey through the hatch. He was careful not to hit his head, having listened to Honey's words of caution. "We can make some cocoa, and go to my room, and sit on the bed and talk. Warm up." he smiled lightly at Honey, running his fingers through his hair.